Do you split all expenses 50/50 or proportional to salary?

[marykitty]

My DH and I earned ca. the same salary when we got married, and we were splitting all expenses 50/50.

Few years ago, I dropped to 3 days per week after we had DS1, therefore I now earn a lower salary and have less bonuses etc. During my 2 days off I take care of DC and do all house chores.

My DH suggested, back then, that we kept splitting all expenses 50/50. With Expenses I mean everything:

• Mortgage

• Renovation and maintenance costs

• Phone, TV, water, light, fuel etc.

• Taxes and insurances

• Childcare and DC relates expenses

• Food and commodities (often i pay more than 50 for this since I do shopping on my days off and often pay cash or with my card)

• Payments to our pension funds

• All extras such as vacations

• Etc (i forgot something for sure)

Our childcare costs are now increasing and we need to buy a new car…I will close this year with a negative balance in my bank account. (Not minus, but having less than last year. It is now the second year in a row)

My DH thinks this does not matter because at the end of the day he is saving on his account and his money is my money etc etc.

He thinks me being upset by this is crazy, that it shows I am unnecessarily focused on money and this should not even be a concern in our family.

I know at the end of the day “it is OUR money” but I just feel sad to see I am not able to save after working hard.

how are you organized with your DH?

I know I have to learn to save better, but I wonder how other families are organized and if I am really BU to think we should change the way we split stuff.

We do neither. All the money goes into the same account. It gets moved to the bill account/savings and that's it. There is no 50/50 or proportional split. We have had all combinations over the years. Both working FT, one FT one PT, one not working... we have always worked the same for money though.

My DH suggested, back then, that we kept splitting all expenses 50/50.

I bet he bloody did. Selfish prick.

With Expenses I mean everything

Everything except childcare as you are effectively "paying" for 3.5 days, albeit 2 of them with your time, while he pays 1.5 days.

2joint accounts. One for expenses and one for savings. You both get the same amount of play money and you can have your own accounts for that

The flaw in his ‘my money is our money’ argument is that you can’t access ‘our money’. Which is controlling on his part and massively unfair to you. It’s also dangerous. What happens if he is hit by a car and ends up in hospital and you can’t access the savings.

Not allowing you to access savings is a massive red flag. So was suggesting you continue to pay 50-50 when your income dropped TBH. How could he possibly justify that?

Proportional, he pays double what I do into the joint account. It was me who never wanted a full joint account, I want my own cash and a safety net as well. So half my salary goes into the joint and half in my own account. If we need big purchases we work it out together, he's paying for them currently as he was out of work for 7 months a free years ago so I had to cover everything and am still reeling from that financially.

You’re not currently splitting things 50/50 though.

The cost of childcare for the 2 days you’re at home is the amount you’ve lost in wages. So for 50/50 he should be paying half of that. If he’s not, then you’re not currently splitting it 50/50, no matter what he says.

So work out how much you’ve lost, half it, and that’s how much more he should pay (& how much less you should pay).

Or just do like most people I know do - have a joint account for household expenses and each put a percentage of your wages in there proportional to how much you earn.

He’s completely wrong. You are caring for his child and clearing up his shit. Things in your marriage are not equal. Stick up for yourself and fix it.

Proportionate to salary. DH and I are both high earners, but he still earns 3x what I earn, so it wouldn’t be fair for our expenses to be equal.

So your situation is completely unfair, especially as you’ve reduced your hours for the sake of family. In fact, considering you look after the home and family, your husband’s portion should be greater.

For tax/legal reasons we don't have a joint account and I am the higher earner. We pay proportional to income. However I agree with PP that this seems to be a very unfair set up for you, OP, and it would be worth considering whether this is a pattern in other areas as well as finances, childcare and chores. You deserve to be treated as an equal partner and not have less money year on year while he keeps ahold of it all.

Everything in joint accounts since we got pregnant. Only drawback is that we have to remember to buy presents in cash.
If it’s not important where the money goes, it would presumably be fine for him to have it in an account in your name only, so do that.

Well if his money is your money, ask him why it matters to him to keep paying 50/50 then?

The point is that you need equal access to and control over that money. You are joint equals in this relationship. If you weren't working part time, he would either have to pay someone for childcare or reduce his own working days.

We do the same as you, split 50:50 but Im the highest earner (earn approx £30k more than DH). But I balance this out by putting a regular amount into a joint savings account that is in both our names, and by paying for more of the fun things, meals out, etc. So neither of us is better off at the end of the month.

We don't split anything. It all goes into one pot.

"For richer, for poorer", and "for all that I have I share with you".

If he thinks that way then having his savings in a joint account won’t bother him? If he declines that plan then YANBU and should charge him for your two days of childcare and housework.

He says it's your money? So can you access it it to bring yourself put of overdraft?

If not, then its not your money. Suggest totally shared finances in joint names.

If he doesn't want this go back to work full time or charge him for the childcare.

The system you have is totally unfair. He has the best of both worlds. And he's gaslighting you.

If 'his' money is 'our' money then he'll be happy if all savings are in your name only as 'your' money is 'our' money. The 'unnecessary' focus on money is purely a deliberate, cynical, emotional debating trick to divert from his unreasonable position because there is no justification for his position. Let him pay you two days salary for the child care so you have 100% of salary equivalent and he has 60% then see what tune he sings about 50:50 splits. Straighten him out, OP.

Unless you have a joint account and access to the money and can then spend it it’s not ‘our’ money

You split the bills proportionally , all of them in your list

We split the bills down the middle and pay that into a bills account at the start of the month. Everything we each have left goes into joint account. DH puts in a bit more as he has more left after bills (he works 5 days, I work 4). We then use that to budget for the month and put a certain amount of that into a joint savings account.

That sounds so unfair. Either 1) split all costs proportionately 2) have a joint account with equal ‘fun’ money for each of you or , if he’s really going to be so tight, 3) he should he paying for 2.5/3 ( 85 pct) of the 3 days of childcare, given you do the other 2 days!

We pool all our money but if we were keeping it separate then it would definitely be proportional to salary.

Your DH is being pretty awful.

Also,if he is going down that route, he should pay you for loss of earnings on the days you don't work, for a lifestyle choice you both made for the benefit of your joint child. Not merely paying for childcare and domestic duties, that doesn't cover the value of your contribution.

I pay some bills, he pays others. We don't really get caught up on it to be honest. But we don't have many bills to be honest.

We split it based on salary. I earn more than my DP so I pay a higher percentage of the costs. The aim is to leave us with fair amounts of 'own' money after essentials are paid, and it all works quite well.

We pay for everything in an ad hoc way and just check our accounts to see who’s running low and transfer money between us. We have separate accounts but freely share money between them. My DH earns more so puts money into joint savings. There’s no 50/50 split, it’s a free for all but works well for us.

Proportionally here. We have no kids, so DP is the higher earner and still gets more disposable income than me, but proportionally so! Doesn't bother me at all, he pays more into the bills and gets a bit more to spend a month on what he wants. Works well.

Neither. We each keep the same amount of personal spending then everything goes in joint pot