Do you split all expenses 50/50 or proportional to salary?

[marykitty]

My DH and I earned ca. the same salary when we got married, and we were splitting all expenses 50/50.

Few years ago, I dropped to 3 days per week after we had DS1, therefore I now earn a lower salary and have less bonuses etc. During my 2 days off I take care of DC and do all house chores.

My DH suggested, back then, that we kept splitting all expenses 50/50. With Expenses I mean everything:

• Mortgage

• Renovation and maintenance costs

• Phone, TV, water, light, fuel etc.

• Taxes and insurances

• Childcare and DC relates expenses

• Food and commodities (often i pay more than 50 for this since I do shopping on my days off and often pay cash or with my card)

• Payments to our pension funds

• All extras such as vacations

• Etc (i forgot something for sure)

Our childcare costs are now increasing and we need to buy a new car…I will close this year with a negative balance in my bank account. (Not minus, but having less than last year. It is now the second year in a row)

My DH thinks this does not matter because at the end of the day he is saving on his account and his money is my money etc etc.

He thinks me being upset by this is crazy, that it shows I am unnecessarily focused on money and this should not even be a concern in our family.

I know at the end of the day “it is OUR money” but I just feel sad to see I am not able to save after working hard.

how are you organized with your DH?

I know I have to learn to save better, but I wonder how other families are organized and if I am really BU to think we should change the way we split stuff.

OB dh pays more into bill account and savings

Proportional and as salaries change we reevaluate.

We will never fully merge money we have a joint account for bills anf then the restvia ours to do what we want

Proportional obviously. Since the day I reduced my hours. In fact more of the savings are in my name, because as the lower earner I need more of a safety net.

OP you're his partner not the the dirt on his shoes.

Mean with money, mean with love.

Tell him you are going back to full-time work, so he will have to pay half the extra childcare costs, and do half the housework. He might offer to pay you something to continue the status quo, but if not, you have no grounds to complain if he accepts your intention.

Proportionate to salary, definitely. I work part time - we work it out in a way that we should both have a decent amount of disposable income for ourselves. I end up with a bit less but my job also earns less - and then we end up buying presents for each other that are in line with our income. DH pays for more days out and meals out than I do. We’re not meticulous about it, it just works out.

Joint bank account. Both our pay goes in there, and both spend on it as we need to.

Joint account. We each spend what we want / need. The rest gets saved. I earn a multiple of DHs salary but also have expensive hobbies.

“My DH thinks this does not matter because at the end of the day he is saving on his account and his money is my money etc etc.”

Oh that’s great. He won’t mind opening a joint account then will he?

NEVER HAVE CHILDREN WITH A MAN WHO WANTS SEPARATE FINANCES.

If it doesn't matter to the Big I Am then it doesn't matter that the money is in a joint account / your account does it? He's a prick.

He is screwing you financially and I am not surprised you are upset.

He then gaslights you by saying you are focused on money while you are penniless earning less, doing all the house work, he doesn't share childcare costs.

He is financially abusing you and I couldn't look at a man who would do that, much less stay married to him.

He is not a good man.

Good men do not do what he has done.
He wants you doing it all, paying it all, whilst you pay half of everything.

He is disgusting and a disgrace.

I hope my harsh words wake you up.

Do not have another child with this man.
Reach out for support from friends and family.

Stand up to this selfish mean pig and protect yourself.

Keep posting.

My DH thinks this does not matter because at the end of the day he is saving on his account and his money is my money etc etc

Funny how many men think like this.

Suggest that you charge him for childcare on the days you are at home and the additional home stuff you do "because it makes sense on your non paid days". If that doesn't make sense to him then nor does him profiting from your free labour.

Better still both of you need to recognise that however you split things before DC once you have DC and one parent makes career/economic compromises to take more child and domestic duties you need to consider all income joint. That doesn't mean no individual bank accounts but the financial organisation needs to protect the parent missing out on pay and career progression.

So try a bills account where each of you pay according to income. Then agree an amount each month for personal spending (a flat rate, not a salary percentage each) and sweep the excess into a join savings account where you both agree expenditure. You should also aim for equal leisure time.

Also look at take home pay for each of you and if you are part time max out contributions to any work pension scheme whilst you are part time. It won't compensate for the lost employer contributions on two days but it can reduce your pension shortfall longer term.

Unless you have unfettered access to his bank accounts, he's being a world-class arse and should be ashamed of himself.

I earn more than OH. We pool all money.

OP his retort to you sounds worrying. Is he gaslighting you? Does he do this in other parts of your relationship?

Everything is in one pot , we share everything except each have a separate credit card which we use for presents etc. I would never dream of questioning him on what he spends and although we started off the same he now earns exponentially more than me . Never once in our married life has he objected to me spending money on anything .

If "his" money is "our money" then why won't he put some of it in your bank account?

If his money is your money why is it in a separate account? Our salaries go into the same pot of money of which the bills come out of. We each get an equal but small amount of 'spending money' which goes to Our individual accounts to spend freely how we wish, it works for us. Any other split doesn't feel in the spirit of being a family to me!

Proportional to salary here.

@araiwa

Is it really any different if you have £500 and he has £1000 in your accounts or both having £750 each

If it really doesn't matter, then he would surely be happy for OP to not contribute at all. Isn't it funny that he claims it doesn't matter but then it always seem to go in his favour.

OP is covering her loss of income caused by her childcare responsibilities. In what universe can that possibly be right?

So called partners like this just give me the rage. They literally have things all their own way and gaslight to keep it that way.

@marykitty please don't let him get away with this. It's sooo unfair.

Your DH is being unfair. He’s gatekeeping the savings - giving himself access to it and ultimately control over it. Even if he repeats that it’s also your money, you still don’t have the same level of access or control.

Either he starts paying you for the 2 days a week of childcare you do, or you split expenses proportionately to your salaries.

We pay for the mortgage and shared expenses 50:50 but then I pay for food, anything extra like furniture or home improvements abs everything the children need

Im the higher earner but proportional would probably be better given we have just refurbished the whole house and I have paid for it.

Fifty fifty for expenses, I earn more but I put more in the savings account, which is a joint account not just in my name. We have exactly the same amount of disposable fun money each month. We both work full time though.

Well if his money is your money etc why on earth don’t you just put everything into one account, pay your bills , put some in savings then split what’s left 50/50?

We split 50/50. I earn only slightly less but work part time, but don't mind him having just that little bit extra as he's much better at saving than me! When I was on maternity leave we split it proportionally though so I paid much less. Your situation sounds unfair.

@KingsleyShacklebolt

Have you heard about a thing called a joint account? Designed to stop you getting your calculator out every 5 minutes.

This isn't the issue.

We split expenses 50:50, have separate savings, pensions, and pay for our hobbies individually.