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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants me to quit work...

168 replies

KevinTheKoala · 27/09/2021 09:21

I work 2 days a week, the rest of the time I look after our two young children. He works 6 days a week and then has a part time job two evenings a week that he keeps purely for the social aspect. Admittedly I do work Sundays which is his only day off but it is the only other day that I can work thanks to childcare (he has to watch our children on Sundays - he is their dad). I don't really have any friends so as well as the financial aspect work is my only chance to interact with other adults, my mental health is also extremley bad right now.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years but lately it feels like I am giving all I can but nothing is good enough and now he wants to discuss me working Sundays because of how its making him feel. I am possibly being selfish, I'm ashamed to admit that I think I might actually be a narcissicist because it seems like all I do is make him miserable and he says I do everything for myself and nothing for him, I do try to do things for him but I can never seem to get it right, or I don't do it enough. Someone on my mental health team has suggested couples therapy which he is quite happy to do as it will be someone else telling me that he's right and maybe I will listen to them.

I really don't want to quit my job, I love my job and I like having my own money to be able to treat our children, I like socialising with other adults and to be honest if I quit now it's going to be really hard to find another job once our youngest does start school in a few years. I think quitting work will make my mental health even worse than it already is, but at the same time I am aware that it means my partner doesn't get a break and that Sundays should be a day we could all spend together, but equally if he were to stop working one of his evening jobs on a Saturday we would have most of Saturday to spend together (he works every other Saturday morning as well but comes home very early). AIBU to put my foot down here? Although if he refuses to watch our children I might have no choice anyway.

OP posts:
strivingtosucceed · 27/09/2021 09:24

Don't do it sis!

MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2021 09:25

I was just going to suggest him dropping Saturdays. Seems the fairest solution.

I hope you are getting support with your mental health?

lastqueenofscotland · 27/09/2021 09:26

No… and I’d be considering LTB too.

SeasonFinale · 27/09/2021 09:26

No way.
He just doesn't want to look after his own kids.

fluoropostit · 27/09/2021 09:26

You can equallly refuse to watch the kids on Saturday if he does.

What does he say about giving up his extra job?

FrenchBoule · 27/09/2021 09:27

Don’t quit. You need it, this is the last bit of independence you have and you need it. You also need it for the reasons you stated- adult interaction.

Your partner has managed to isolate you from everybody (except your work) while he’s free to come and go as he likes. He’s welcome to resign from his 2 evenings of social interaction.

Don’t budge and don’t believe the stuff he says.

takealettermsjones · 27/09/2021 09:28

I don't think you're the selfish one. You're talking a lot about his feelings, what you do for him etc - does he take your feelings into account, do things for you etc?

I understand how your working patterns mean that you never see each other, and that would upset me too in that situation - but the obvious solution is him cutting his hours, not you.

Buttetflybookkeeper · 27/09/2021 09:28

Don't give up work

Aprilx · 27/09/2021 09:28

If I were you I would be increasing my paid work not decreasing it.

GoodGrief100 · 27/09/2021 09:28

Don't quit your job and tell him everything you've written here. As for you being a narcissist, who knows. Couples therapy doesn't mean the therapist is taking sides, they'll work with both of you to highlight areas you both need to work on.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/09/2021 09:29

Not a bloody chance.
I'd be wanting full time in order to be financially free of him.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/09/2021 09:29

Don't quit your job. You will be isolated and financially vulnerable with a partner who doesn't sound very supportive. He can quit his additional job if he wants a break.

You should not have therapy with him if he is abusive in any way - it is a very bad practice. Have individual therapy to sort out how you feel first.

It is hard to assess based on your post but your relationship sounds unequal. Do you have an equal voice, equal access to money, do you feel safe and loved?
If the answer to any of those questions is no, then there is potentially a problem with the way he treats you.

Your job is probably good for your MH and I really think you should make sure you have had the therapy you need before considering any form of couples therapy.

Justcallmebebes · 27/09/2021 09:31

Wanting to work a couple of days a week for some financial independence, socialisation and mental stimulation does not make you a narcissist.

It doesn't sound like you are the problem and I think couples counselling is a good idea as long as you're not both going into it expecting to be shown how you are unreasonable and narcissistic and he is being utterly reasonable. He is most definitely not

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/09/2021 09:31

Maybe don't take his word for it that you're getting everything wrong - it sounds unlikely.
Possibly, he is being a bit of a dick - there isn't a lot to go on here.

But in any case, you barely work. Don't drop Sundays. He can get over himself. It's far easier not to have a gap on your CV and also, if you're having a difficult time with respect to mental health, the routine may well do you good.

Pinkdelight3 · 27/09/2021 09:32

Please don't do this. What he wants doesn't trump what you want - or indeed need. Also it sounds like you're not married so where's your security if you split up and you've given up earning anything and got career gap thanks to him? I fear for you discussing it with him as it sounds like you're in a bad place with your MH - honestly I don't think narcissists worry that they're narcissists! - and he could easily manipulate you.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/09/2021 09:32

I wouldn't for him.
As a couple it is hard not having a day off ever, we done it for 5 years.
He done days, I worked evenings and weekends.
Does he realise that you never have a day off?

PalacesOfMontezuma · 27/09/2021 09:33

He works 6 days a week, plus 2 evenings "for fun" and you're the selfish one? Hes got you wondering if you're a narcissist, and that a counsellor would make you see that you're in the wrong? Based on what you've written here I'm concerned that he may well be emotionally abusive.

Pinkdelight3 · 27/09/2021 09:35

Plus the very idea that he'd refuse to watch his own kids on a Sunday to stop you working is outrageous! As PP says, what if you refuse to do it the rest of the week? There's no difference. Please put your foot down and then some.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/09/2021 09:35

Although if he refuses to watch our children I might have no choice anyway.
If he tries this refuse to watch his DC.
Check out for 2 days the DC will be okay, he will have a taste of his own medicine.

Shurl · 27/09/2021 09:37

Please don't give up your job. You will be putting yourself in a vulnerable position if you do.

Perhaps your partner should consider giving up his second job that he keeps for the "social aspect" if he wants more of a break?

Except he won't, because what he really wants is for you to just always be there looking after the kids when he swans around. When is your break?

Marmight · 27/09/2021 09:39

If you are not married, DO NOT give up your job as you are in a very vulnerable position.

Yummymummy2020 · 27/09/2021 09:39

Def don’t give up your job for this reason!!!

violetbunny · 27/09/2021 09:40

Do you have equal access to money at he moment OP? Because if not, that's even more of a reason not to give up work.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 27/09/2021 09:43

Tricky, because if you’re at work on his only day off when do you spend time as a family?

Who is the higher earner or are you about the same?

If he earns a lot more I can see him thinking it doesn’t make sense financially to pay for childcare and lose out on family time. But likewise your mental health is important too. Can you swap your days or hours, or find a job that doesn’t take up Sundays?

Does he have capacity to reduce his hours without affecting family income too much?

toothpicklover · 27/09/2021 09:44

Why are you with him???
Do not give up your job, I very much doubt your relationship will last and then you’d be very vulnerable.
He sounds incredibly selfish.