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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner wants me to quit work...

168 replies

KevinTheKoala · 27/09/2021 09:21

I work 2 days a week, the rest of the time I look after our two young children. He works 6 days a week and then has a part time job two evenings a week that he keeps purely for the social aspect. Admittedly I do work Sundays which is his only day off but it is the only other day that I can work thanks to childcare (he has to watch our children on Sundays - he is their dad). I don't really have any friends so as well as the financial aspect work is my only chance to interact with other adults, my mental health is also extremley bad right now.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years but lately it feels like I am giving all I can but nothing is good enough and now he wants to discuss me working Sundays because of how its making him feel. I am possibly being selfish, I'm ashamed to admit that I think I might actually be a narcissicist because it seems like all I do is make him miserable and he says I do everything for myself and nothing for him, I do try to do things for him but I can never seem to get it right, or I don't do it enough. Someone on my mental health team has suggested couples therapy which he is quite happy to do as it will be someone else telling me that he's right and maybe I will listen to them.

I really don't want to quit my job, I love my job and I like having my own money to be able to treat our children, I like socialising with other adults and to be honest if I quit now it's going to be really hard to find another job once our youngest does start school in a few years. I think quitting work will make my mental health even worse than it already is, but at the same time I am aware that it means my partner doesn't get a break and that Sundays should be a day we could all spend together, but equally if he were to stop working one of his evening jobs on a Saturday we would have most of Saturday to spend together (he works every other Saturday morning as well but comes home very early). AIBU to put my foot down here? Although if he refuses to watch our children I might have no choice anyway.

OP posts:

Wnikat · 27/09/2021 09:44

No no no. The making everything your fault is a classic abuse tactic. Keep your independence, he sounds like he could turn nasty.

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2021 09:46

I would rather be boiled in oil than quit my tiny little job because my ‘partner’ thought I deserved nothing to myself in life. You’re not a narcissist op, he might well be, and he’s definitely a horrible man with no respect for you at all. Do you have to stay with him? What are your options to leave?

Daisy4569 · 27/09/2021 09:50

My OH works long hours and is often tired on his day off. We have one little one and I’m on maternity leave at the moment. I’ve made it clear that when I return to work (part time) he will need to make sacrifices too and maybe cut down on work because I will not be/can not be juggling everything. It’s great that they want to provide and they do need some down time but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your job too. He needs to cut back if he can’t cope with it all (and it does sound like a lot!)

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 27/09/2021 09:50

He is the higher earner by a long way, admittedly he pays the vast majority of the bills and I pay for gas, electric and anything the children need, the only access to money I have is my own that I earn although he has said that he would buy me whatever I needed if I wasn't working.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 09:52

Tell him to give up his part time job.
How old are your DC's? Could you change your Sunday to an alternative day so you can have family time?

Tell him to drop a day of his main job too.

MissCreeAnt · 27/09/2021 09:52

YANBU.

You giving up your job is not the only solution. Don't let him monopolise the agenda and present it like it's the only option.

I do think it's reasonable for him to want some time off other than on the day you work, but there are other ways.

Cloverforever · 27/09/2021 09:54

He does not sound like a nice man at all. Please be very careful!

Lollypop701 · 27/09/2021 09:56

So he has a well paid job and a social one, but wants you to give up work so he doesn’t have to have kids/ have family time? Why isn’t he giving up his social job?

Ellie56 · 27/09/2021 09:56

Don't give up your job.

pinkyredrose · 27/09/2021 09:57

he says I do everything for myself and nothing for him

What does he do for you?

Topseyt · 27/09/2021 09:57

@KevinTheKoala

Absolutely DO NOT give up your job. You'd be utterly beholden to him.

No more independence with any money of your own. You'd have to go and ask him for everything. Probably even beg. I bet too that he would want you to justify every penny.

Keep your job and your self-respect.

I'd be telling him that me keeping my job was non-negotiable. If he didn't like that then he could bugger off, I'm afraid

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/09/2021 09:58

Please don't quit your job. My ex did this to me and then employed me in his business. When he decided to leave completely out of the blue, he sacked me from my job and left me penniless. I wish I hadn't quit my previous well paying job. I'm not suggesting your DH will do this but it's an example of how vulnerable you can find yourself if things go awry.

thenewduchessofhastings · 27/09/2021 09:58

He sounds like a workaholic who uses work to hide from the general responsibility of being an adult and being a parent.

Carboncheque · 27/09/2021 09:58

It’s a big red flag.

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 27/09/2021 09:58

I could potentially find a childminder for another day but it would still mean that he would need to pick up and look after the children in the evening (at the moment they are looked after by a family member on the other day and they can't do more than they do now). It would also cost more than I could really afford but I wouldn't mind that if he would agree to that, but he hasn't been very open to the idea of cutting down on his part time jobs when I've mentioned it before.

OP posts:

CallmeHendricks · 27/09/2021 09:59

If he views Sundays "watching" the kids as work, then doesn't that mean you're also "working" a 7 day week?
Or is it only hard work when he has to do it?

Stormyequine · 27/09/2021 10:00

Definitely don't give up your job. Why does he not consider himself selfish working a second job when it doesn't sound like he really needs to? If he gave up his second job surely you would have a lot more family time, and he would have a break? Or does he just want to do his own thing and pretend he is still single?

bakingdemon · 27/09/2021 10:01

How old are your kids and how much time do they spend at nursery/childminder?

thenewduchessofhastings · 27/09/2021 10:01

Does he work in security by any chance?;does static guard/retail security by day and is a doorman on a Friday/Saturday night?

Bluetrews25 · 27/09/2021 10:02

Oh gosh, OP, he's done a right manipulation job on you.
Keep your job, and don't go for couples counselling as it's not recommended where there is abuse. Sounds like there is coercive control going on here and definitely financial abuse.
You MH might improve if he were not around.
You will come to see that this is Not Right At All.
What would you advise your daughter if it was her?

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 10:03

It would also cost more than I could really afford but I wouldn't mind that if he would agree to that,

If he's willing to fund everything if you quit he should also be willing to pay for the childminder, as it'd only be for his benefit anyway

Pinkdelight3 · 27/09/2021 10:03

but it would still mean that he would need to pick up and look after the children in the evening

So? Did he not want the kids? Why would he object to picking them up and looking after them? This is so beyond unacceptable and it's awful that he's made you think it's your problem. They're his children. You're a human being just like he is and allowed to work as well as raise kids. He needs to get some bloody balance back in this set-up pronto - not make it even more unbalanced. Of course he's the higher earner. How could he not be when he's not doing anything else!

Kotatsu · 27/09/2021 10:04

Don't do it.

Sure, it might make sense for the family, and for him, but what about for you to lose your lifeline to adult contact, your independent income, and your insurance against the worst happening and you needing to support yourself/kids without him.

Could he drop a day instead? Why not? Why would it be so crazy for him to drop a day, rather than you (money aside, but unless you're really struggling, there is more than money at stake here)

Timetoretiretospain · 27/09/2021 10:06

Go to couples counselling . Neither of you will be blamed but both of you asked to look at your relationship. Make sure you go to someone who is experienced as a ‘couples’ counsellor .

MrsWooster · 27/09/2021 10:08

Your posts have made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. There are a lot of red flags in what you say about control, about isolating you… I wonder what makes you think you may be ‘narcissistic’- suggestions from him about how you are selfish which is NOT what narcissism is etc or tentative diagnosis from you in conjunction with your MH support? Is there any RL space for you to explore some of this stuff?

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