Partner wants me to quit work...

[KevinTheKoala]

I work 2 days a week, the rest of the time I look after our two young children. He works 6 days a week and then has a part time job two evenings a week that he keeps purely for the social aspect. Admittedly I do work Sundays which is his only day off but it is the only other day that I can work thanks to childcare (he has to watch our children on Sundays - he is their dad). I don't really have any friends so as well as the financial aspect work is my only chance to interact with other adults, my mental health is also extremley bad right now.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years but lately it feels like I am giving all I can but nothing is good enough and now he wants to discuss me working Sundays because of how its making him feel. I am possibly being selfish, I'm ashamed to admit that I think I might actually be a narcissicist because it seems like all I do is make him miserable and he says I do everything for myself and nothing for him, I do try to do things for him but I can never seem to get it right, or I don't do it enough. Someone on my mental health team has suggested couples therapy which he is quite happy to do as it will be someone else telling me that he's right and maybe I will listen to them.

I really don't want to quit my job, I love my job and I like having my own money to be able to treat our children, I like socialising with other adults and to be honest if I quit now it's going to be really hard to find another job once our youngest does start school in a few years. I think quitting work will make my mental health even worse than it already is, but at the same time I am aware that it means my partner doesn't get a break and that Sundays should be a day we could all spend together, but equally if he were to stop working one of his evening jobs on a Saturday we would have most of Saturday to spend together (he works every other Saturday morning as well but comes home very early). AIBU to put my foot down here? Although if he refuses to watch our children I might have no choice anyway.

Christ. I missed a page. So he’s also violent. Couples therapy, where violence is involved is not recommended.

You only work 2 days per week and have to pay gas, elerctric bills, anything 2 young DCs need and anything you need from that.

He is angry enough to hit walls and throw things at doors/walls.

He is threatening not to look after his OWN DCs.

HE has very little time off by choice, as he works 2 jobs.

He will buy whatever you "need" if you stop work - I am guessing you would be persuaded you don't "need" very much at all.

It sounds like he wants all the control. And none of the responsibility for family.

I don't know if he abusive, I sometimes feel like he might be but he's not really violent, he doesn't really call me names,

That's a very low bar, and given what you've just said about him throwing things, I'd say he is violent. Violence doesn't have to be him punching you. If you can see him punching and throwing, then there is the threat of violence over you. He's letting you know he is capable of losing his temper and he is using the threat of that to keep you in line. It's why people have moved away from referring to 'domestic violence' and instead saying 'domestic abuse' because it then becomes a little clearer that there are many problematic behaviours before someone actually hits someone.

he says he's just trying to help me and I do make stupid decisions and bad choices and have bad judge of character so he's not wrong in alot of what he says

Why do you think you make bad choices though? Who has been telling you this? Again I suspect it's him and I suspect it's done to make you question your own judgement. He's got your self esteem on the floor so at this point he can do what he likes, and you'll think it's your fault.

and I do think I can be selfish sometimes as well.

You are as important as anybody else, no more and no less. All I get from your posts is how hard you try to change for him and how little he bends for you. He sounds like a selfish arse. You sound worn down to the point where you cannot see that you deserve to have someone consider what you want and need.

We have been together 10 years and he's always been a little bit moody but it's the last year or so that's really gone downhill. If he was abusive surely it would have started earlier than this, and shouldn't I know? I feel like I'm making things up, or being horrible by suggesting that he might be because it might just be me.

He has started. I think if you went for therapy ON YOUR OWN with someone who is knowledgeable about abusers and the way they operate, they would help you see a pattern of behaviour in him. The reason you don't know is, as above, he has consistently worked to lower your self esteem and wrong foot you so you don't know which way is up and consistently question your own judgment. He will have started this gradually, years ago, so it seemed very minor and hardly worth mentioning. Once you'd accepted that, he will have gradually increased it.

Please get help OP. And in the meantime, keep that job.

You'd be an absolute fool to give up that job, it's your only means of existing what is clearly a very toxic relationship.

I would start putting some money away on honestly is this isn't going to end well.

I do make stupid decisions and bad choices and have bad judge of character so he's not wrong in alot of what he says, and I do think I can be selfish sometimes as well

Every time I have heard a woman describe herself that way, she is in an abusive relationship.

Throwing things also means he IS violent.

He abuses you. I'm sorry.

@KevinTheKoala

He's never hit me or the children, he has thrown and punched walls and objects, the worst was a bowl of cereal that put a hole in the door he threw it at. I don't think he would be violent towards us, and it doesn't happen often, usually when I do keep on at him in an argument.

That is violence. He IS violent. It is threatening behaviour and only a matter of time before he goes for you and the children with it.

You are in an abusive relationship and it needs to end. His attempts to get you to give up your job are designed to allow him full control of you. To have you exactly where he wants you - in your box and without access to finances. Don't let that happen. Increase your hours if anything. ASAP.

So so many red flags. Why aren’t you sharing finances? Why are you paying for everything? He is committing acts of violence around you and your children. Under no circumstances should you quit your job. As others have said get some support

I suspect your mental health would improve if you weren’t with him. He sounds horrible.

I do make stupid decisions and bad choices and have bad judge of character so he's not wrong in alot of what he says, and I do think I can be selfish sometimes as well
It sounds like he's lead you to believe this about yourself, so he's emotionally abusive as well. please don't drop the Sunday shift

I don't think it's you that's the narcissist here.
Really, don't give up your job!

It remains a mystery to me how these men even get laid, let alone persuade a woman to move in with them and have their kids.

Obviously do not give up work, and ditch the emotional dead weight.

Wow. He wants you to give up working when it's the only access to money you have?! Don't do it.

Please call Women's Aid, OP.

@KevinTheKoala

He's never hit me or the children, he has thrown and punched walls and objects, the worst was a bowl of cereal that put a hole in the door he threw it at. I don't think he would be violent towards us, and it doesn't happen often, usually when I do keep on at him in an argument.

Get your children out of a situation where they're subjected to seeing an out of control man throw and punch things to get his own way. That's toxic. This is not your fault but it doesn't mean he's not violent. He clearly is.

He's abusive. He does this to 'keep you in line', so you don't push him too far, so you watch what you say to ensure you don't upset him, so you toe the line.

alhough he has said that he would buy me whatever I needed if I wasn't working

Ah, manipulating and controlling. Lovely.

Do not give up your job. Why does he work 6 days? He should be working 5, then you work too. It's good for you and will give you some independence.

Why doesn't he want to look after his own dc??

Don't do joint counselling.That's not recommended in an abusive relationship. And this is abusive.

Throwing things and shouting are also abusive. H does that to keep you in your place, to stop you arguing with him, to scare you. He sounds awful, OP. Your poor dc. You deserve better.

@KevinTheKoala

I don't know if he abusive, I sometimes feel like he might be but he's not really violent, he doesn't really call me names, he says he's just trying to help me and I do make stupid decisions and bad choices and have bad judge of character so he's not wrong in alot of what he says, and I do think I can be selfish sometimes as well. We have been together 10 years and he's always been a little bit moody but it's the last year or so that's really gone downhill. If he was abusive surely it would have started earlier than this, and shouldn't I know? I feel like I'm making things up, or being horrible by suggesting that he might be because it might just be me.

You have described one of the most dangerous kinds of abusers. You wouldn't know that you were being abused, because he presents his control as caring, and because it happens in tiny stages, not all at once.

Also, when you say he is not "really" violent, what does that look like? No level of violence is acceptable. Is he sometimes rough with you or the kids? Does he push you, or grab you really hard? Likewise if he doesn't "really" call you names, does that mean that he does, but you feel that you pushed him into it(you didn't)? Or that he only calls you names when you "deserve" it? (again, you didn't).

I think you need proper, professional help. Your situation sounds really worrying and I think you are on the brink of falling into real danger. Please, speak to someone who can help you to leave safely.

If he drives at the takeaway he's over his driving hours, so he should be cutting back his hours anyway.

Beware of him forcing you to drop your job, if you don't agree to it.
He will start making it very difficult for you to work at all.
He may even find a way to get you pregnant again.

He’s a big fat walking red flag

Don’t quit your job. The kids won’t always be little and require the same amount of attention they do now.

OP your “relationship” sounds awful. Please have a read about coercive control, yours sounds like a classic case: www.laurarichards.co.uk/what-are-the-signs-of-coercive-control/

Then call Women’s Aid and ask for advice about getting out. The fact you are not married makes you very vulnerable if you decide to stay, but it’s a blessing in terms of getting out of the relationship.

Oh love, he's really done a number on your head hasn't he.

Let's look at what he's doing. He's basically telling that you are a dreadful person, selfish, don't care about the kids, won't listen to reason and do everything wrong.

If that were true....why would he want to spend time with you? Why would anyone?

If it is not true, what reason could he have for saying these things? Simple: control. He wants to control:

• your income
• how you spend your time
• where you go and who you spend time with
• the relationship
• your role (sole care-giver, stay-at-home wifelet, no power, no say, and no respect)
• your behaviour and your kids' behaviour

This. Is. Not. Normal.

Notice how everything is your fault? That simply isn't possible. Again, if it were, and you were indeed the architect of all this misery and anger and fear, why the hell would a decent partner and parent want you around? If he's so great and you're so terrible, why is he putting up with it? Answer: he's not "putting up" with anything, he's got everything almost exactly the way that serves him best (goes where he likes, does what he likes, spends what he likes, free childcare, cleaning and cooking on tap). You're the one putting up with treading on eggshells out of fear of how he's going to react to things.

Can you contact Refuge for some advice? They are all women, and they have heard this all before, believe me you are not alone in being in this position, but you CAN do something about it. At the very least, think about what messages your kids are picking up about what a relationship looks like - would you want them to turn out like your partner or live the way you do?

@KevinTheKoala

He's never hit me or the children, he has thrown and punched walls and objects, the worst was a bowl of cereal that put a hole in the door he threw it at. I don't think he would be violent towards us, and it doesn't happen often, usually when I do keep on at him in an argument.

This is violence, he's using violence to control you. He might say it's your fault but it's not. It's absolutely his fault and his choice. Most men can restrain themselves from throwing things at the wall if they are annoyed. He can restrain himself in other situations, presumably he doesn't throw things at work.

You need to get out of the situation before it escalates further.
He's already emotionally and financially abusing you. It sounds like it won't be long before he starts to hurt you.
He's got you doubting your decisions, your choice of friends, your rights.
You need to get your head right and get out of there. Counselling won't work with people like this. You need help on your own to work out how to leave.

He’s done a right number on you OP. Read back your posts and think about what you would think had they been written by someone else, your friend or your sister.

He is abusive and violent. Definitely do not give up your job. He’ll have you just where he wants you then.

@EmeraldShamrock

Although if he refuses to watch our children I might have no choice anyway. If he tries this refuse to watch his DC. Check out for 2 days the DC will be okay, he will have a taste of his own medicine.

Men like this would have no trouble neglecting their children to prove a point. It’s easy for us to sit on the internet and say she should withdraw care if he does, but having two crap parents wouldn’t improve the situation. It’s totally unfair but OP isn’t going to and can’t just leave the kids with her husband. No doubt he would drop them round to someone completely random and they would return, at best, hungry and upset. At worse injured or harmed.