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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants me to quit work...

168 replies

KevinTheKoala · 27/09/2021 09:21

I work 2 days a week, the rest of the time I look after our two young children. He works 6 days a week and then has a part time job two evenings a week that he keeps purely for the social aspect. Admittedly I do work Sundays which is his only day off but it is the only other day that I can work thanks to childcare (he has to watch our children on Sundays - he is their dad). I don't really have any friends so as well as the financial aspect work is my only chance to interact with other adults, my mental health is also extremley bad right now.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years but lately it feels like I am giving all I can but nothing is good enough and now he wants to discuss me working Sundays because of how its making him feel. I am possibly being selfish, I'm ashamed to admit that I think I might actually be a narcissicist because it seems like all I do is make him miserable and he says I do everything for myself and nothing for him, I do try to do things for him but I can never seem to get it right, or I don't do it enough. Someone on my mental health team has suggested couples therapy which he is quite happy to do as it will be someone else telling me that he's right and maybe I will listen to them.

I really don't want to quit my job, I love my job and I like having my own money to be able to treat our children, I like socialising with other adults and to be honest if I quit now it's going to be really hard to find another job once our youngest does start school in a few years. I think quitting work will make my mental health even worse than it already is, but at the same time I am aware that it means my partner doesn't get a break and that Sundays should be a day we could all spend together, but equally if he were to stop working one of his evening jobs on a Saturday we would have most of Saturday to spend together (he works every other Saturday morning as well but comes home very early). AIBU to put my foot down here? Although if he refuses to watch our children I might have no choice anyway.

OP posts:
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 27/09/2021 10:35

If you give up your job he will have complete control of what you do and when and what you spend. Don't do it.

I went fir couples counselling with my abusive exH. The counsellor was abysmal and didn't seem to notice that he was using the sessions to continue to be abusive. I don't think I've ever got over it. If you're having counselling go for individual counselling instead to talk through what's happening Flowers

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2021 10:39

I did the same with my exh @MyMushroomsInATimeSlip

He managed to convince her that all his abusive behaviour was just “being stressed about the tidying up/ housework”. We both worked full time and had children - with me doing most of the out of work house childcare / mental load etc

He then kept making excuses to avoid any further sessions as he’d got what he wanted from the first one!

The only good thing about it was we did what the counsellor said and set a rota for housework. He did his bit once and then didn’t bother again whilst I did mine. The tried splitting the jobs rather than the time and he still didn’t do it. Made me realise at least that everything he said was absolute bollocks. He didn’t want to do any housework you see, he just wanted to have a go at me about it!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2021 10:39

*out of work hours, not work house!

pinacolada5 · 27/09/2021 10:44

Don’t give up your job. Why doesn’t he give up or cut down his part time job?

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 27/09/2021 10:45

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing
Thanks. Helps to know it wasn't just me!

DO NOT go to couples counselling op. He will convince you that the counsellor agreed with everything he says. It sounds like he's ground you down to believe what he says. Listen to and trust your instincts not him

Rosebel · 27/09/2021 10:48

Don't quit your job. If he's so desperate to spend time as a family he can stop working Saturday evening. If he refuses to care for his children (would he really do nothing if you were out at work) one bloody day a week then tell him you won't care for them 6 days a week.
Also what do you mean he doesn't get a break? When do you get a break? Does he really need to work two jobs and do six days a week?
Anyway you like your job and he does not own you. Tell him not to be so selfish.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/09/2021 10:58

Tell him give up his part time job if he wants to spend more time with you.

Heronwatcher · 27/09/2021 11:01

Don’t do it. He just can’t be arsed to watch his own kids. And something tells me you might need your own financial independence sooner than you think.

Getyourownback · 27/09/2021 11:04

@Notcontent

I really don’t think any amount of counselling is going to help here. OP - your partner is an emotionally and financially abusive bastard.
☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻
Lorw · 27/09/2021 11:06

Why doesn’t he drop down a day from 6 days to 5, quit his part time job and you can go to work full time and just pop children in childcare? Then you both get independence, you can pay 50/50 for childcare, bills are covered, and you both get family time 😁

OP, don’t give up your job. It’s important 😁

JSL52 · 27/09/2021 11:07

@Bollindger

Ask him why it is ok that you do almost all of the childcare, but he is upset when it's his turn to step up and be the dad? Since he is working on his free time from main job, say he can stop that and regain his free time. Tell him if he gives you in the bank each month your wages on top of any other money , your willing to drop the job, as this money you earn is all used on children and extras.
No it's not just about the money
Fallagain · 27/09/2021 11:08

The more you post the more I think you should be looking to get yourself in a position where you can start to look for full time work. Soon you will get 15 hours a week free childcare, 30 hours of you weren’t a single mum on a low income.

I’m a sahm and I have equally access to the family money and like my DH awe both have the same amount of ‘pocket money’ to spend on yourselves. You are in a very difficult situation.

Ashitaka · 27/09/2021 11:10

@KevinTheKoala

He is the higher earner by a long way, admittedly he pays the vast majority of the bills and I pay for gas, electric and anything the children need, the only access to money I have is my own that I earn although he has said that he would buy me whatever I needed if I wasn't working.
I pay for gas, electric why?

that he would buy me whatever I needed if I wasn't working.

ooofff!!

Lweji · 27/09/2021 11:12

Do NOT quit your job. In fact, and considering his request, I'd encourage you to work longer hours.

Don't trust what he says. Trust what he does. And he isn't sharing his salary with you.

He needs to drop his part-time job, though to make time for the family.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/09/2021 11:13

I'm no expert but I doubt a narcissist would be worrying that might be a narcissist

gamerchick · 27/09/2021 11:14

Make sure your contraception is water tight. Do not quit work. Tell him he can give up the Saturdays for family time.

whynotwhatknot · 27/09/2021 11:16

he doesnt have to work saturdays so no dont give up your own job he can give up his second one

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/09/2021 11:22

Do not do this. If he wants more down time he can stop doing his second job. This would give him far too much control over you.

I think the reason you can't do anything 'right' is to do with him not you.

Original poster
KevinTheKoala · 27/09/2021 11:24

I don't know if he abusive, I sometimes feel like he might be but he's not really violent, he doesn't really call me names, he says he's just trying to help me and I do make stupid decisions and bad choices and have bad judge of character so he's not wrong in alot of what he says, and I do think I can be selfish sometimes as well. We have been together 10 years and he's always been a little bit moody but it's the last year or so that's really gone downhill. If he was abusive surely it would have started earlier than this, and shouldn't I know? I feel like I'm making things up, or being horrible by suggesting that he might be because it might just be me.

OP posts:
Fallagain · 27/09/2021 11:26

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Have a look at this

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2021 11:31

I suspect you don’t actually make stupid decisions and bad choices. You just live with someone abusive who has told you this so many times it has sunk in. Think about it op, he’s happy for you to care for his children pretty much 24/7. There is one single day each week he has to parent and he’d really like you to parent that day too. He knows you’re a good mum who puts your children first every day and is always making safe sensible decisions for their welfare. He just wants you to think you’re useless snd screw everything up.

MitheringMytryl · 27/09/2021 11:32

I would start looking for full time work and let him know that you'll be splitting the nursery/childcare costs 50/50.

I don't like where this is going and your financial independence might be what you need to save you and your children from a sticky situation in the future.

Goldbar · 27/09/2021 11:32

Please, please don't quit Flowers. You really don't want to be in a position where you're totally dependent on him for money.

MitheringMytryl · 27/09/2021 11:33

he says he's just trying to help me and I do make stupid decisions and bad choices and have bad judge of character so he's not wrong in alot of what he says, and I do think I can be selfish sometimes as well

Oh no. Run. Run a fucking mile, OP.

Time40 · 27/09/2021 11:40

Please, please, please don't give up your job OP. Don't. I'm with everyone else - I think your partner is abusive. You ought to be increasing your working hours, and seriously considering leaving him.

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