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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner wants me to quit work...

168 replies

KevinTheKoala · 27/09/2021 09:21

I work 2 days a week, the rest of the time I look after our two young children. He works 6 days a week and then has a part time job two evenings a week that he keeps purely for the social aspect. Admittedly I do work Sundays which is his only day off but it is the only other day that I can work thanks to childcare (he has to watch our children on Sundays - he is their dad). I don't really have any friends so as well as the financial aspect work is my only chance to interact with other adults, my mental health is also extremley bad right now.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years but lately it feels like I am giving all I can but nothing is good enough and now he wants to discuss me working Sundays because of how its making him feel. I am possibly being selfish, I'm ashamed to admit that I think I might actually be a narcissicist because it seems like all I do is make him miserable and he says I do everything for myself and nothing for him, I do try to do things for him but I can never seem to get it right, or I don't do it enough. Someone on my mental health team has suggested couples therapy which he is quite happy to do as it will be someone else telling me that he's right and maybe I will listen to them.

I really don't want to quit my job, I love my job and I like having my own money to be able to treat our children, I like socialising with other adults and to be honest if I quit now it's going to be really hard to find another job once our youngest does start school in a few years. I think quitting work will make my mental health even worse than it already is, but at the same time I am aware that it means my partner doesn't get a break and that Sundays should be a day we could all spend together, but equally if he were to stop working one of his evening jobs on a Saturday we would have most of Saturday to spend together (he works every other Saturday morning as well but comes home very early). AIBU to put my foot down here? Although if he refuses to watch our children I might have no choice anyway.

OP posts:

Fallagain · 27/09/2021 13:47

@KevinTheKoala

He's never hit me or the children, he has thrown and punched walls and objects, the worst was a bowl of cereal that put a hole in the door he threw it at. I don't think he would be violent towards us, and it doesn't happen often, usually when I do keep on at him in an argument.

Your partner is both emotionally and physically abusive. Your children are being physical and emotionally abused. It’s not your fault that you disagree with him in an argument, that does not make him be abusive to you and your children. It’s his choice to be abusive. You have a choice now, do you continue to keep your children in a situation where they are being abused or do you keep them safe by removing them from this situation. If you continue as you are then you allowing not only yourself but also your children to be abused.

StMarysKettle · 27/09/2021 13:48

I do make stupid decisions and bad choices and have bad judge of character so he's not wrong in alot of what he says, and I do think I can be selfish sometimes as well

What examples do you have of your bad decisions and bad judge of character?

Who told you the decision you made was a bad one? What happened as a result of your decision making? Was this man part of the process? Did you feel confident about making the decision in the first place?

He's really done a number on you hasnt he? Just because he hasnt hit you or the kids yet it doesn't mean he's not violent. I bet you shut up after he punches a wall or throws the cereal don't you? That's why he does it - he's saying it could be you next.

Time40 · 27/09/2021 13:48

This gets worse and worse. So he's violent too. You should definitely leave him, OP.

romany4 · 27/09/2021 13:49

He will buy whatever you "need" if you stop work - I am guessing you would be persuaded you don't "need" very much at all

This^^
So not give up your job.
He sounds awful

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/09/2021 13:52

Oh I stuff things up regularly, doesn’t mean my dh gets to feel superior over me.

I’d be looking at increased hours and getting a nest egg together here, you shouldn’t be paying for everything for the kids either that’s financial abuse.

Rangoon · 27/09/2021 13:53

Your partner sounds horrible, really horrible. I think there is a narcissist in the house but it's not you. Don't go to couples counselling with him. I imagine you must have got together when you were quite young? He sounds like his main aim in life is criticise and undermine you while you are sufficiently brainwashed to worry about not making him happy! What about you being happy? What does he do to make you happy? Nothing at all I imagine.

Normal men do not punch walls or other objects and they don't hurl cereal bowls hard enough to put a hole in a door. These little displays are meant to frighten you and make you know your place.

You say you have no friends - did he have something to do with that?. You must do almost all the childcare with his six day a week job and his evening job. He says he keeps that evening job for social reasons but really it means he'd rather spend time with a random bunch of people than spend the evening with you and your children.

Please, please don't give up your job. That job is your last glimmer of independence and he wants you to give it up. If you give that job up, you'll end up like some other women on this board who are posting about having a couple of children, an abusive husband, no job, no money and nowhere to go. I would be very quietly making plans to leave - be careful with your phone - and don't give him any indication that you are planning to leave before you are out. I imagine your mental health might improve quite a lot if you weren't with this man with his constant undermining, complaining and violence. I am certain your children will be better off away from him too. The five year old must be hearing and seeing the things he is doing. Children aren't stupid - the five year old at least has probably worked out about the hole in the door.

HappyDays101010 · 27/09/2021 13:56

I do make stupid decisions and bad choices

I used to feel like this when I was married.

RosesAndHellebores · 27/09/2021 13:59

OP, I came on to sat that when the dc were tiny I wanted to work a Saturday in a local estate agent and DH point blank refused due to the oressure if his own job. So to me it doesn't sound unreasonable.

However glancing at a few replies. Firstly money was not an issue, secondly dh always respected what I did at home, thirdly he never shouted, punched doors, slammed and had he made a hole in a door throwing a bowl at it, I'd have left him. That is a violent and frightening act and if your children witnessed it, it is a safeguarding issue.

I am sorry

RealBecca · 27/09/2021 14:02

Yanbu at all.

It is not normal to throw things in a row. Ever.

He is being controllong and emptionally manipulative.

Unless you are married you have zero rights to "his" finances and could be pushed into a vulnerable position of him saying you would be the one who has to leave the family home if you split up and he would keep kids as you have no job amd cant pay rent.

You might not have seen the signs but presumably when you met you werent a sahm? So its been gradual. He tells you your decisions are silly until you do what he wants then uses it to bully you. "Quit work, i need you home...oh, you have no job, I'M bringing in the money, I do everything, you need to do all cleaning, cooking, you can't leave, you'd never keep the kids or house"

If you want a job when he is working, you can get one. You are his current childcare, he will owe half the new childcare, its not your sole cost.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/09/2021 14:07

Under no circumstances should you quit your job.

This man is throwing up all sorts of red flags.

The fact that you have self-described as a "narcissist" because you want to maintain some financial independence is very worrying. You are nothing of the kind and if he's making you feel like this then that's not a good sign.

Keep the job, ditch the husband.

Branleuse · 27/09/2021 14:07

no way. He wants you to give up work so he can have you like a little house-elf and he can come and go as he pleases even more.
It would make far more sense for him to give up his two evenings a week at his second job if he wants more free time or time as a family. You love your job and its keeping you going. Working is important for the self esteem as well as the money.
If he really thinks youre selfish and a narcissist and have bad judgement then what is he with you for and why does he want you around more and to raise his kids 6 days? Doesnt add up.
Hes aggressive, critical and controlling. Please dont give up your job or your independence. You might need it sooner than you think

FWBNC · 27/09/2021 14:09

((HUG))) you're like a frog in a pot 🥲

It's not your job you need to leave!

I'd put GOOD money on your mental health, self worth & self belief, being a million times better on your with the children than with him.

Over the time you've been together he's done a real job on you.

You'd be much better off to find a place for you & the kids & move out. Else you're going to end up a shell of yourself and it's not goid for your kids either.

CaveMum · 27/09/2021 14:29

OP I’d just add that there was another poster a few weeks ago who, like you, was unmarried living in a rental property with her partner. She had given up work at her partner’s insistence after having a baby. Now she is totally isolated, they live rurally and he refuses to buy her a car so that she can go out/take their child out. She has no money for herself yet he happily blew £200 attending a stag do. She was totally ground down by him and his abusive behaviour, please don’t let yourself fall into the same circumstances.

LannieDuck · 27/09/2021 16:33

He will buy whatever you "need" if you stop work

You're not married are you? Don't give up your job - you'll become trapped.

If you were married, he wouldn't need to buy whatever you needed, because his income would be just as much yours as it is his (esp since you'd be doing all the childcare). You should have equal and easy access to the family finances.

The clear answer is for him to give up his evening job. Seems pretty simple.

But then he's abusive... so I'd be leaving him.

RandomMess · 27/09/2021 17:08

He gives up his take away work and you can get an evening job instead.

Seriously do not give up work and become financially dependent on him. I'm sure he has far more money than you yet expects you to spend all your wages on family costs.

HalzTangz · 27/09/2021 17:11

Are you really not able to get childcare so you could work 2 days in the week? Might be worth revisiting that.
Alternatively he gives up Saturdays. Or he shuts up and watches his kid on a Sunday.
If you were to split up, he'd have them all weekend EOW so wouldn't be able to do his Saturday shifts

HalzTangz · 27/09/2021 17:20

@KevinTheKoala

After reading this update you need to leave him, it's only a matter of time before he hits you or the kids. Throwing things (even at walls) is violence

Denyingbleedingobvious · 27/09/2021 18:29

You’re getting done excellent advice OP.

Classic abuse tactics. Don’t hand him even note power over yours and your children’s lives.

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