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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants me to quit work...

168 replies

KevinTheKoala · 27/09/2021 09:21

I work 2 days a week, the rest of the time I look after our two young children. He works 6 days a week and then has a part time job two evenings a week that he keeps purely for the social aspect. Admittedly I do work Sundays which is his only day off but it is the only other day that I can work thanks to childcare (he has to watch our children on Sundays - he is their dad). I don't really have any friends so as well as the financial aspect work is my only chance to interact with other adults, my mental health is also extremley bad right now.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years but lately it feels like I am giving all I can but nothing is good enough and now he wants to discuss me working Sundays because of how its making him feel. I am possibly being selfish, I'm ashamed to admit that I think I might actually be a narcissicist because it seems like all I do is make him miserable and he says I do everything for myself and nothing for him, I do try to do things for him but I can never seem to get it right, or I don't do it enough. Someone on my mental health team has suggested couples therapy which he is quite happy to do as it will be someone else telling me that he's right and maybe I will listen to them.

I really don't want to quit my job, I love my job and I like having my own money to be able to treat our children, I like socialising with other adults and to be honest if I quit now it's going to be really hard to find another job once our youngest does start school in a few years. I think quitting work will make my mental health even worse than it already is, but at the same time I am aware that it means my partner doesn't get a break and that Sundays should be a day we could all spend together, but equally if he were to stop working one of his evening jobs on a Saturday we would have most of Saturday to spend together (he works every other Saturday morning as well but comes home very early). AIBU to put my foot down here? Although if he refuses to watch our children I might have no choice anyway.

OP posts:
EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues · 27/09/2021 11:41

he says he's just trying to help me and I do make stupid decisions and bad choices and have bad judge of character so he's not wrong in alot of what he says,

No wonder you have no friends - when this is what he has made of you.

So your 5 year old and 2 year old must hardly ever see their mother socialising - relaxed and happy - with people outside the family? And now he wants you to effectively cease any activity at all outside the house? Do you know how that will resonate in your children’s developing minds? What will be their memory or understanding of what a mother is? Or what a woman is?

Honestly, if not for yourself, you must strain every muscle to retain some independence for them.

LittleOwl153 · 27/09/2021 11:44

There was a poster on here a couple of weeks ago whose husband was paying £200 for a stag do - and she didn't have the money for deodorant - because she was a sahm and he earnt the money and spent it on what he liked - he denied her access to any money.

If you give up your job that will be you...

GoldenBlue · 27/09/2021 11:46

You'll be at risk of even more financial abuse if you reduce your hours or give up work. You earn very little and are paying bills and things for the children from that money. Your proportional bills to income will be significantly higher than his.

Your 2 year old is not far off getting free nursery hours, you are on the edge of being able to gain further freedoms. Resist this request.

I agree your suggestion that he stops working on a Saturday night would be much more sensible in order to get more family time together.

Lots of concerning red flags with your fella I'm afraid

JSL52 · 27/09/2021 11:47

He is abusive OP.

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 11:47

Someone on my mental health team has suggested couples therapy which he is quite happy to do as it will be someone else telling me that he's right and maybe I will listen to them.

I'm a bit concerned that you, a laywoman, have more insight into this than someone on your team who is meant to be a mental health professional. Couples counselling is definitely NOT recommeneded where there may be abuse within the relationship -
psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1

However, how about some counselling just for yourself?
It is not narcissistic to want to go to work, share family time, & expect you co-parent to engage fully with their own children.
The fact that he's flinging that label at you makes me wonder about what's going on with him, & whether he is deflecting his own rather selfish "me first" thinking onto you with the classic DARVO tactic -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

How is it that he gets these 2 social evenings a week, but dresses them up as work?
How is it that you should be the one to sacrifice your job, but he won't even consider dropping by one day a week?

Do NOT give up your work. You already sound isolated - how has that come about, has he moved you away from friends & family? Keep up those networks & if anything, look for more work. It's not up to you to cover all the childcare, it's 50% his responsibility. & explore some counselling options - JUST for you - your GP is a good place to start.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/09/2021 11:52

I suspect you don't make bad choices you just make choices he doesn't like - that is a very different thing.

Please don't tell me that the "bad judge of character" is his excuse for why you should stop seeing any friends you may have had?

The more you post the worse your situation sounds. Why do you not have equal access to money? If you are "selfish" does that mean you don't do housework, childcare, prepare food? Make a list for yourself of just how much you do around the house e.g. cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, school runs, shopping, helping with homework, admin. How much of that is just for you and how much is for other people? I think you will find that you are doing very little that directly benefits you and an awful lot that supports others - that is the opposite of selfish.

The red flags are waving.

Rosebel · 27/09/2021 11:52

@KevinTheKoala

I don't know if he abusive, I sometimes feel like he might be but he's not really violent, he doesn't really call me names, he says he's just trying to help me and I do make stupid decisions and bad choices and have bad judge of character so he's not wrong in alot of what he says, and I do think I can be selfish sometimes as well. We have been together 10 years and he's always been a little bit moody but it's the last year or so that's really gone downhill. If he was abusive surely it would have started earlier than this, and shouldn't I know? I feel like I'm making things up, or being horrible by suggesting that he might be because it might just be me.
This is what abusers do. They make you believe it's your fault. He's done an excellent job issolating you from your friends and now wants to rob you of your finical independence. He's done an excellent job of making you believe it's selfish for you to work 2 days a week. Why isn't he selfish for working 6? Abusive people don't just hit you, they can abuse you emotionally and financially which is what he's doing. Don't go to couple counselling but consider going by yourself. Abusers are very good at manipulating others and making it their victims fault. You should leave him but I know it's scary and difficult. It's very easy to say but hard to do. Please think about it though. You deserve more than this.
ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 11:53

I could potentially find a childminder for another day ... It would also cost more than I could really afford

Hold on - what is this "more than YOU could afford"?
Why is he not paying 50% of any childcare costs?

Lweji · 27/09/2021 11:56

I think your worst choice so far has been to agree with him.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 27/09/2021 11:56

@PalacesOfMontezuma

He works 6 days a week, plus 2 evenings "for fun" and you're the selfish one? Hes got you wondering if you're a narcissist, and that a counsellor would make you see that you're in the wrong? Based on what you've written here I'm concerned that he may well be emotionally abusive.
I was thinking this.

Please don't do it only to leave yourself emotionally, financially and socially isolated.

Get him to drop a Saturday. It's about balance and right now it's all heading in the direction of being what he wants/needs over what you want/need.

IFinallyJoinedNowWhat · 27/09/2021 12:01

@QueenoftheKarens

Your not a narc if you think your a narc. Thanks
Spot on - exactly what I thought. That's a red flag if ever I saw one. Take care OP Flowers
Bogofftosomewherehot · 27/09/2021 12:01

@KevinTheKoala

I don't know if he abusive, I sometimes feel like he might be but he's not really violent, he doesn't really call me names, he says he's just trying to help me and I do make stupid decisions and bad choices and have bad judge of character so he's not wrong in alot of what he says, and I do think I can be selfish sometimes as well. We have been together 10 years and he's always been a little bit moody but it's the last year or so that's really gone downhill. If he was abusive surely it would have started earlier than this, and shouldn't I know? I feel like I'm making things up, or being horrible by suggesting that he might be because it might just be me.
This has bells ringing and big red flags all over it! Abuse comes in many forms (not just physical) and in slowly creeps in and ebbs away at your confidence. Gas lighting you to a point where you're convinced that the problem is your stupid decisions, bad choices and bad judge of character and that you're the selfish one.
Monr0e · 27/09/2021 12:06

What do you mean, not really violent?
There should be no level of violence
Saying not really violent makes it sound like there are some times when he has been?

Original poster
KevinTheKoala · 27/09/2021 12:12

He's never hit me or the children, he has thrown and punched walls and objects, the worst was a bowl of cereal that put a hole in the door he threw it at. I don't think he would be violent towards us, and it doesn't happen often, usually when I do keep on at him in an argument.

OP posts:
Brainwave89 · 27/09/2021 12:17

Nope. Keep your hand in work otherwise you become dependent. This works for some people... but is this someone you want to be dependent on? For lots of my friends who went down this route 10/15 years on the bloke left leaving them looking for low skilled and paid work, which is a really difficult experience. It is also from my experience, not unusual to see that under these circumstances, a man starts to see all income as his- and starts to question what you are spending it on in depth. This, very quickly turns to financial abuse. I had a friend who over time found herself asking for "permission" to buy sanitary towels. Please take care.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/09/2021 12:20

Throwing stuff is violence. It is intended to control and intimidate. It lets you know what will happen if you disagree with him whilst allowing him to claim that he never hit you.

You are not responsible for his behaviour. It doesn't happen because you "kept on at him" it happens because he wants to frighten you into shutting up and doing what he wants. It is abuse!

TintinIsBack · 27/09/2021 12:20

No no no

Don’t give up that job.
And get some counselling FOR YOURSELF!

TintinIsBack · 27/09/2021 12:22

@KevinTheKoala

He's never hit me or the children, he has thrown and punched walls and objects, the worst was a bowl of cereal that put a hole in the door he threw it at. I don't think he would be violent towards us, and it doesn't happen often, usually when I do keep on at him in an argument.
So he IS violent then.

What is making you 100% sure that next time it won’t the wall but you or one of the dcs?
What is making you think it’s ok for him to frighten you and the dcs like that? Because clearly if you don’t do as you are told, then it’s opening the door to violence….

BillMasheen · 27/09/2021 12:22

@KevinTheKoala

He's never hit me or the children, he has thrown and punched walls and objects, the worst was a bowl of cereal that put a hole in the door he threw it at. I don't think he would be violent towards us, and it doesn't happen often, usually when I do keep on at him in an argument.
That is fucking serious.

As PP Said, it is a cold and calculated act to keep you in line. He’s even messed with your head to the extent that you thought it was your fault for pushing him.

FourTeaFallOut · 27/09/2021 12:23

Tell him to get fucked. This man will hollow you out until there's nothing left

Monr0e · 27/09/2021 12:23

OP, that is violence. He is physically, emotionally and financially abusive. And your poor dc's are also living in this environment.
I am sorry he has worn you down so completely

billy1966 · 27/09/2021 12:24

You most certainly are in a highly abusive, controlling relationship where he now wants you at home, alone, penniless and completely dependent on him.

He is NOT a good man.

Please ring Women's Aid.

He is a violent man OP.

Smashing walls and doors and throwing things is very violent and is intended to scare you and show you what he is capable of.

He does not love you.
He just wants to control you.

Please reach out for supoort from Women's Aid and your GP.

Your mental health is damaged because of HIM.

He is a bad man.

Flowers
TintinIsBack · 27/09/2021 12:25

You need to realise that you not working will make you in an even more vulnerable position. He will hold all the power.
He already has you thinking that you are the one in the wrong all the time. That you are a narcissist etc…

What do you think will happen when you will also have to ask him for some money? For the shopping, to buy some clothes for yourself etc…

What do you think he will do during that sunday? Help you with the dcs? Doubt it, he wants to get out of it. Spend time as a family? Nope this will be HIS time to relax and have fun. Because you know he deserves it. He is the only one working after all, whilst you are just lazy, staying at home, sat in your arse.
Right?

NameChangeAgain2 · 27/09/2021 12:28

FFS do not give up your job. He has gaslit you into thinking you're in the wrong. That is a form of abuse. I think councilling is a good idea because they won't agree with him. A better idea would be to LTB

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2021 12:30

This is not normal at all. There are so many red flags. The only narcissist in your relationship is him.

If he truly respected you, he would share his income with you, not expect you to pay for the kids and utilities. Besides they are going to get far more expensive as they grow. What does he do with all his income?!

Getting you to give up work is all about power over you. He would have ultimate control and the bullshit offers to buy whatever you needed will have all manner of strings. And why are you buying for your children or worrying about paying a childminder from your wage? That should be for him to figure out as the higher earner.

As an hgv driver, atm, he can tell his employer he has chosen to drop one day a week. So it is damn sure he could create a better work/leisure life for himself and the family if he so chose.

As for couples therapy, the danger is that the therapist may be easily manipulated by him. Narcissists are often charming and full of bs.