Partner wants me to quit work...

[KevinTheKoala]

I work 2 days a week, the rest of the time I look after our two young children. He works 6 days a week and then has a part time job two evenings a week that he keeps purely for the social aspect. Admittedly I do work Sundays which is his only day off but it is the only other day that I can work thanks to childcare (he has to watch our children on Sundays - he is their dad). I don't really have any friends so as well as the financial aspect work is my only chance to interact with other adults, my mental health is also extremley bad right now.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years but lately it feels like I am giving all I can but nothing is good enough and now he wants to discuss me working Sundays because of how its making him feel. I am possibly being selfish, I'm ashamed to admit that I think I might actually be a narcissicist because it seems like all I do is make him miserable and he says I do everything for myself and nothing for him, I do try to do things for him but I can never seem to get it right, or I don't do it enough. Someone on my mental health team has suggested couples therapy which he is quite happy to do as it will be someone else telling me that he's right and maybe I will listen to them.

I really don't want to quit my job, I love my job and I like having my own money to be able to treat our children, I like socialising with other adults and to be honest if I quit now it's going to be really hard to find another job once our youngest does start school in a few years. I think quitting work will make my mental health even worse than it already is, but at the same time I am aware that it means my partner doesn't get a break and that Sundays should be a day we could all spend together, but equally if he were to stop working one of his evening jobs on a Saturday we would have most of Saturday to spend together (he works every other Saturday morning as well but comes home very early). AIBU to put my foot down here? Although if he refuses to watch our children I might have no choice anyway.

Don't do it.

And I would not trust couples therapy with someone like this. He will seek to use the therapy to bash you further down than he already has. I think most counsellors are not competent enough to deal with skilled manipulators.

He sounds emotionally abusive tbh.

Why would you have to have to pay for the childminder purely out of your wages? You're both working that day.

I wouldn't give up my job, you need the financial security. If the relationship breaks down you need your security.

The children are 5 and 2, the 5 year old is in school but the 2 year old only goes to a family member once a week while I work otherwise she's with me apart from Sundays. He is a HGV driver, the part time job is in a takeaway.

@KevinTheKoala

He is the higher earner by a long way, admittedly he pays the vast majority of the bills and I pay for gas, electric and anything the children need, the only access to money I have is my own that I earn although he has said that he would buy me whatever I needed if I wasn't working.

Talk is cheap, if he really intended to pay for everything he would already be doing that.

Why isn't he paying the children's expenses?

@KevinTheKoala

He is the higher earner by a long way, admittedly he pays the vast majority of the bills and I pay for gas, electric and anything the children need, the only access to money I have is my own that I earn although he has said that he would buy me whatever I needed if I wasn't working.

What a manipulative bastard. He’ll support you if you stop trying to have a little job of your own, will he? Until he’s mad, and says what do you need that money for? A new coat? I don’t think you need a new coat. Or, once you’ve safely quit your job. ‘ you haven’t earned any of this money, you just think you’re owed it for sitting on your bum at home’

Nope. Keep your job. What the situation with the housing? Do you own your home? Who's name is it in? Or rent?

I'd tell him that as soon as he sets up a joint account where you have full access to all his wages, then you might consider quitting your job. He wants you to give up your source of income and in exchange he'll 'buy you what you need'?!

We privately rent, both of our names are on the tenancy agreement.

As others have said, massive red flags. The fact you are considering giving up your job to make him feel better but he won't give up his part time job to make you feel better says it all. Do not lose your independence and give up your job. You need it for the money and your mental wellbeing. If he can't understand that given he does his part time job for his social life then he's the problem not you. Also on Sundays instead of being paid to work you'll do all the wife work/childcare so HE can have a day off. Then you'll have a 24/7 unpaid caring responsibilities role and he'll have a paid job, a part time paid social life AND a day off. Please don't think you're the problem here.

Your not a narc if you think your a narc.

I really don’t think any amount of counselling is going to help here. OP - your partner is an emotionally and financially abusive bastard.

He needs to drop his extra job to spend more time together as a family. Under no circumstances should you stop work. If you do, you lose all financial autonomy and your livelihood depends on him. This is not a good move for any woman, however strong the relationship, let alone one in which you are criticised and manipulated and coerced.

Worrying about being a narcissist is a pretty good indicator that you aren't! I wonder where the idea that you might be came from? Not him, by any chance?

I wish I could say something positive that would help you find a way forward for you as a couple and a family. Unfortunately, it looks to me like you are being edged into a really abusive situation. He wants you completely dependent on him, and without any income of your own. There just isn't a kind and loving reason for him to want that. Be really careful, and seriously consider getting out.

Keep the job, lose the partner.

If you give up your job you will have no money of your own. Do you really want to have to beg this dickhead for pocket money?

I want to add that you aren't a narcissist at all, going on what you've said. I also bet that idea has come from him.
I spent too long in a relationship believing I was an abuser because it was screamed in my face often enough, usually when I refused to lend him money yet again. It was only when I left, through looking back and other people's opinions of him, I could see how horrifically I was treated.

For Christ's sake don't give up your job and your independent finances.
The obvious answer is he cuts out or back his evening job. But I don't think that's the issue. I think he's trying to isolate you and gaslighting you about you doing 'everything for yourself and nothing for him' (which does NOT sound true).

You could try couples therapy. They will probably not tell you that he's right.

Worrying about being a narcissist is a pretty good indicator that you aren't!
It is a pretty good indicator he has done a job on you with his treatment has made

Agree with all the pps. He ought to be putting your desire to work above his part time job that's mainly a social. You should have access to money 50/50, it's family money. If childcare needs paying then that should be out of the family money. You are not the selfish one here.

Sorry posted to soon.
Basically he is a prick.

It sounds like he is emotionally abusing you and heading for financial abuse too. I also wonder if your MH would improve in the long run if you left him.

As you are not married you absolutely mustn’t give up work, or cut down. In fact, you should be increasing it so that the two of you are more equal.

Do you both own your house?

He’s being an utterly selfish arse here. The better solution is for him to give up Saturday and some evenings, then you can spend time together and both work. You aren’t just the default childcare to be permanently available so that he has not ties or restrictions at all!

Ask him why it is ok that you do almost all of the childcare, but he is upset when it's his turn to step up and be the dad?
Since he is working on his free time from main job, say he can stop that and regain his free time.
Tell him if he gives you in the bank each month your wages on top of any other money , your willing to drop the job, as this money you earn is all used on children and extras.

He sounds awful. He's isolating you from support, and trying to be the controller of all your access to money too? I would bet that if it came to it, buying you what you 'need' would mean you having to beg for a new pair of winter boots when yours have a hole in, rather than you having free access to a set amount in your account every month to spend as you choose.

Dont do it!

And I would not trust couples therapy with someone like this. He will seek to use the therapy to bash you further down than he already has. I think most counsellors are not competent enough to deal with skilled manipulators.

^^
This! He does sound abusive and there are good reasons why you shouldn’t go to counselling with an abuser.