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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

school runs/babysitting taken for granted

229 replies

takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 15:26

so for the last few years i have been helping my daughter out with doing the school runs, days and length of time i have the kids varies depending on her shifts at work. and this is where the problem lies!

on several occassions now we have put our foot down and told her repeatedly that we need to know what her shifts are and if she requires the kids to be collected or not, and things start ok for a short time, but then after a few weeks it slowly slips back into the previous pattern of last min " mum could you just"

now dont get me wrong i love my grandkids to bits, but i cant plan anything in either my life or for them, i dont know from one day to the other if im having them over or not, if i am, am i feeding them? its got to the point that the youngest who is 5 has even remarked that nana always goes shopping before collecting them from school! well yes i do because i need to buy stuff in for their meal! or to keep them entertained while they are here.

surely im not asking much? no way does she get asked to come into work on the monday, only to be able to ask me at 8 pm sunday?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 27/09/2021 17:40

OP how did today go?

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 27/09/2021 17:49

@AhNowTed

OP how did today go?
well iv not left the house all day, not heard a word from daughter either, and she hasnt spoken to her dad but as she doesnt finish work til 7.30 tonight i didnt expect to have done either
OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 27/09/2021 17:54

Who picked the kids up today then?

AhNowTed · 27/09/2021 17:58

Good.

Crack on with your evening.

You are 100% in the right.

Do not contact her.

I repeat, do not contact her.

Plan your week, see friends, do things you enjoy.

And stay strong.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 27/09/2021 18:13

@AhNowTed

Good.

Crack on with your evening.

You are 100% in the right.

Do not contact her.

I repeat, do not contact her.

Plan your week, see friends, do things you enjoy.

And stay strong.

well i didnt pick the kids up and im not 100% sure who did, i suspect it was his parents.

as for the rest of my week, well it will be more of the same as today, of beng around home doing what i can, and maybe the odd trip to the supermarket

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 27/09/2021 18:55

I'm so sorry @takenforgrantednana, I'd like to think you didn't bring your DD up to behave like this. The trouble is you've made yourself available all the time and your daughter has gone from being grateful to expecting you to drop everything for her, once the entitlement sets in it's no good for anyone.
Time for a frank talk with her, she has a DH, don't let her make excuses, let him get off his arse and parent. Time for Nana to have her own life

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 27/09/2021 19:11

Where does your daughter work. Could you email them and ask for her rota perhaps?

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 27/09/2021 19:30

@Whenigrowupiwanttobea

Where does your daughter work. Could you email them and ask for her rota perhaps?
whilst it is tempting to do that, i think that is really crossing over the line totally, it would inflame matters so much, this whole thing is between me and her, and no way would i bring her work place into anything
OP posts:
FirstTimeMommy2021 · 27/09/2021 19:38

Sounds like she's spiting you now by ignoring you knowing full well you won't see the kids either

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 27/09/2021 19:45

@FirstTimeMommy2021

Sounds like she's spiting you now by ignoring you knowing full well you won't see the kids either
well that is her choice, but seeing as she will be driving home from work right now after doing a 9 hr shift, i really wouldnt have expected a phone call from her anyway, mind you thinking a bit about this it does make you wonder what her husband is thinking, because if it had been me i would have been on the phone finding out just what was going on
OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 27/09/2021 19:56

She's filled her Dh's head with shite about you being awful, no doubt. Stay firm, don't contact her and if she texts looking for you to collect the kids again this week just say it doesn't suit you. You don't need to give reasons or excuses.

You really should look into getting yourself out a bit more, find a group hobby, or invite a neighbour or friend over for coffee. You have become too available, hanging around waiting in case she calls to collect the kids. Stop putting her and the gc first and put yourself first now.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 27/09/2021 20:13

@Notaroadrunner

She's filled her Dh's head with shite about you being awful, no doubt. Stay firm, don't contact her and if she texts looking for you to collect the kids again this week just say it doesn't suit you. You don't need to give reasons or excuses.

You really should look into getting yourself out a bit more, find a group hobby, or invite a neighbour or friend over for coffee. You have become too available, hanging around waiting in case she calls to collect the kids. Stop putting her and the gc first and put yourself first now.

i would love to get out more, but walking around the shops on my own really doesnt fill me with joy, and i have no one to go with, my neighbours all work, and i have no friends
OP posts:
FirstTimeMommy2021 · 27/09/2021 21:21

😢

AhNowTed · 28/09/2021 05:13

OP I mean this kindly. I suspect that you having no friends, and being at your daughters beck and call are related. I suspect it's difficult to maintain friendships when you drop literally everything for her.

If you allow yourself to be consumed by your daughter, isn't that also preventing you from developing your own interests and friendships.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 28/09/2021 06:36

@AhNowTed

OP I mean this kindly. I suspect that you having no friends, and being at your daughters beck and call are related. I suspect it's difficult to maintain friendships when you drop literally everything for her.

If you allow yourself to be consumed by your daughter, isn't that also preventing you from developing your own interests and friendships.

no not the case, unfortunately i have never had friends, well before my daughter or sons came along, so this is nothing new to me. some might see that as being sad, which it is, but its a fact of life for me that i just have resigned myself too, nothing i have ever done has had any effect to change the situation, ive just got to the point now where i simply dont bother looking for friendshps anymore as it would be easier to find hens teeth
OP posts:
AhNowTed · 28/09/2021 06:52

That is indeed unfortunate.

For what it's worth you come across as decent, caring and certainly selfless.

I'm glad you posted. You deserve a lot better than being used and run into an early grave.

I'd be giving the caravan a spring clean and planning the next holiday OP SmileThanks

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 28/09/2021 07:02

@AhNowTed

That is indeed unfortunate.

For what it's worth you come across as decent, caring and certainly selfless.

I'm glad you posted. You deserve a lot better than being used and run into an early grave.

I'd be giving the caravan a spring clean and planning the next holiday OP SmileThanks

the caravan is already spotless and ready to go. as for planning somewhere, yeah we can do that the only thing is that it ends up being us on our own (like at home) with a different view out the windows, it doesnt lead to any friendships or anything like that, we have just come back from 5 days away in it, and the only other person i spoke to in that time was my husband! pretty much the same as when im at home
OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/09/2021 09:12

Op if you sit there at her beck and call and dont go out in case she calls, but then resent it, then youre your own worst enemy here.
If you are willing and able to do the pick ups you get in advance, but then the ones you didnt get notice for, so arent prepared for you then say " sorry its too short notice" then she would learn she needs to give notice.

If you act like a doormat you cant be too surprised when people wipe their feet on you

Peace43 · 28/09/2021 09:18

Sit her and grandad down and have the “I am not a doormat discussion.” Tell your DD the rules (at least 72hrs notice, collect them at the time she says she will, monthly family lunch, etc..) that she needs to follow to get your help. No respect for you and your rules = no kid pick up. You are NOT her servant and she should be doing this shit automatically (no way in hell would I treat my mother like this, she’d blow her stack and I’d get the doormat talk!)

Your DH needs to hear this too. You are not his servant either. Grow a gigantic big pair of balls and tell them to treat you with some proper respect!

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 28/09/2021 12:17

OP do you have any hobbies? Would you like to learn any ? My friendships have come from meeting people with the same interests. Knitting , sewing etc. Or have you thought about going to the WI , also great way to meet people and make friends. .

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 28/09/2021 13:17

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

OP do you have any hobbies? Would you like to learn any ? My friendships have come from meeting people with the same interests. Knitting , sewing etc. Or have you thought about going to the WI , also great way to meet people and make friends. .
yes i knit and sew, but they arent really things you do with others they are something you do n your own at home.

ive looked into the wi in the past but they are all in the evenings, when all i want to do is sleep to be honest with you, its the day times that drag around here same old same old of housework shopping etc

OP posts:
QueenoftheKarens · 28/09/2021 13:29

Are you on Facebook? Why not join your local group and introduce yourself on there? I know it's hard but you have to really put yourself out there to meet new people.
There are local knitting groups by me that meet up for a chat and some knitting, maybe there's one by you?

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 28/09/2021 13:33

@QueenoftheKarens

Are you on Facebook? Why not join your local group and introduce yourself on there? I know it's hard but you have to really put yourself out there to meet new people. There are local knitting groups by me that meet up for a chat and some knitting, maybe there's one by you?
yeah im on facebook, but there isnt anything like that showing up for my area, ive been down this route before hand, tried to find something to fill my day/meet new people and unfortunately the only outlet seems to be if you work that is how and when you meet, or if your face fits then when you collect the kids from school. my face has never fit even when my own kids where at primary school, i was the one mum that was left stood waiting on her own for them to come out of their classes, and sure enough the pattern is repeating even now with colleting the grand kids
OP posts:
3scape · 28/09/2021 13:35

I'm a knitter and often just stay in to do it. But I've recently discovered a knitting club locally that meet up, so I'm going to give it a go. If you'd like to that there might be a club to socialise (and a group of people to enable your assumed yarn buying habit).

I'm sorry your daughter has such an entitled attitude to childcare, I'm always shocked by people cheeky enough to do this. Hopefully she's going to be forced to get her childcare resolved between her and her husband and they will both grow up enough to take some responsibility.

QueenoftheKarens · 28/09/2021 13:59

@takenforgrantednana I get you, I'm the same. I wish I could adopt you as my mum you sound like such a lovely person. Your daughter needs to wake up and smell the coffee and start making a damn bit of effort with you and your husband. It's appalling. If my mum was lonely, I'd be straight down to see her and spend time with her.