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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

school runs/babysitting taken for granted

229 replies

takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 15:26

so for the last few years i have been helping my daughter out with doing the school runs, days and length of time i have the kids varies depending on her shifts at work. and this is where the problem lies!

on several occassions now we have put our foot down and told her repeatedly that we need to know what her shifts are and if she requires the kids to be collected or not, and things start ok for a short time, but then after a few weeks it slowly slips back into the previous pattern of last min " mum could you just"

now dont get me wrong i love my grandkids to bits, but i cant plan anything in either my life or for them, i dont know from one day to the other if im having them over or not, if i am, am i feeding them? its got to the point that the youngest who is 5 has even remarked that nana always goes shopping before collecting them from school! well yes i do because i need to buy stuff in for their meal! or to keep them entertained while they are here.

surely im not asking much? no way does she get asked to come into work on the monday, only to be able to ask me at 8 pm sunday?

OP posts:
TILFA · 27/09/2021 03:52

it wears you out the constant nagging over and over along with the screaming and hanging off the door handles of the cupboards , i have lost count of the number of so called childproof locks they have destroyed! well, at least with your new arrangements you can give them tea when they get in from school, then their mother can enjoy the food tantrums when she gets them home. It will also stop the disgraceful manipulation they are exerting on you to get food.

Why not buy baking essentials nrxt time you're shopping? Then go somewhere like The Works and Hobbycraft to buy art and hobby essentials along with cook books or craft books? (I have some brilliant kids art and crafts books you can have if you pay postage, let me know)

Good luck.

stayathomer · 27/09/2021 03:58

Is there not a chance it is all last minute? I find out my shifts extremely last minute. I'm the only one working there with kids and nobody else minds, they all say ooh I wonder when I'm working. And can I just say you sound amazing and I'm sure she appreciates you, it's just all difficult when you're try to juggle (hence the reason I'm awake at 4 o clock praying that things work out today- we only have creche type childcare and they close minutes after I get out of work)

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 27/09/2021 06:25

@stayathomer

Is there not a chance it is all last minute? I find out my shifts extremely last minute. I'm the only one working there with kids and nobody else minds, they all say ooh I wonder when I'm working. And can I just say you sound amazing and I'm sure she appreciates you, it's just all difficult when you're try to juggle (hence the reason I'm awake at 4 o clock praying that things work out today- we only have creche type childcare and they close minutes after I get out of work)
no she has simply forgotten to tell me, she has known of her rota for at least a week, but im so low down on her priorities she doesnt bother to tell me, but what worries me is that if im so low down on her priorities over this then that also places her children as being low down too, or she would have remembered to ask me about the childcare ahead of time.

going by the last message she sent to her dad, accusing me of rather not seeing the kids just to be spiteful towards her, i would say she shows little to non of being appreciatative towards me at all.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 27/09/2021 07:17

@takenforgrantednana

going by the last message she sent to her dad, accusing me of rather not seeing the kids just to be spiteful towards her, i would say she shows little to non of being appreciatative towards me at all.

This is such sad reading, OP. You are low priority to your uncaring, manipulative daughter and low priority to your husband who seems to pay lip service when it comes to supporting you, especially when it comes to your own health issues

Maybe it really is time for you to resign from the role of doormat your family seem to see you in and for you to prioritise your own preferences and, more importantly, focus on your own health.

Give her clear notice, in writing, of your intention so there's no "misremembering" from her and please be as honest with your husband as you've been here. In fact put it in writing to him too so can reread what's happening and not conveniently "forget" how this situation is affecting you. Get him to read about COPD and talk about the developing situation. He should be supporting YOU instead of his lacklustre actions, which only encourages her totally taking advantage of you. Good luck OP. 🌹

AhNowTed · 27/09/2021 07:24

She hasn't "forgotten". She simply has no consideration, takes you for granted and knows you'll come running when she clicks her fingers.

As for the last comment, funny how her definition of "wanting to see the kids" only extends to providing childcare at her convenience.

AhNowTed · 27/09/2021 07:44

So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥 http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4321209-So-worried-and-just-want-to-keep-the-peace

There was a similar thread not long ago. Another total user, and a poor woman being worked into an early grave.

Stand your ground OP. You've made the first step, now stick to it.

EnidFrighten · 27/09/2021 07:50

She sounds like she's not doing a great job of parenting, tbh, from the way you describe the kids raiding your cupboards and being stressful etc. She needs to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility, I think you taking a step back might help.

Why don't you offer a set afternoon you will pick them up, the rest she sorts herself.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 27/09/2021 08:11

@EnidFrighten

She sounds like she's not doing a great job of parenting, tbh, from the way you describe the kids raiding your cupboards and being stressful etc. She needs to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility, I think you taking a step back might help.

Why don't you offer a set afternoon you will pick them up, the rest she sorts herself.

its impossible to do the set afternoon collection, due to when my daughter is going to be at work constantly changing.

just to add that for years now we have always taken our main holiday at the beginning of september, so this year my husband had booked his time off work for the first 2 weeks, due to repairs on the caravan we didnt know if they where going to be completed in time or not, but we managed it, and managed to get booked into somewhere but it was only for 5 days, the intention was that the rest of the 2 weeks we would just go out for day trips, well that never happened. it became 9 days of being at her beck and call! ok we did 4 collections in those 9 days, but we didnt feel that we could just throw a coat on and go off out incase she phoned from work asking us to collect the kids! on the other hand she and her hubby and kids have had 5 days at the beginning of summer holidays, plus about 4 weekends along with about 4 one nighters just in the last 6 months whereas in 2 yrs we have had 5 days! its got to the point where i darent sy a word about any plans we hoped to do as she will just take advantage and add the kids into what we had hoped for.

due to my being ill i spend most of my time sat at home on my own, having the kids here is my only source of fun in the house and our only visitors. im not spiteful as she claims me to be. and all this because i asked for a little thought and respect to give me some notice so the kids wouldnt be left high and dry!

OP posts:
Newchallenge · 27/09/2021 08:24

Actually I think some of the problem lies with you.
"we didnt feel that we could just throw a coat on and go off out incase she phoned from work asking us to collect the kids" - that's what you have to change! Put yourself first for once.

Tistheseason17 · 27/09/2021 08:46

OO - you are low fien on DD priorities as you always make yourself available and say Yes.

If you said, No, you would shift up the priorities list pretty quickly.

You can change the situation - however it will be no pain, no gain for you. Friends in your apoetitite to manage conflict to get a better outcome for you. I.e. how important is this to you versus not seeing the children as much - for as bit as she will 'punish the perceived disobedience from you!

RandomMess · 27/09/2021 09:11

I think you need a proper break and the DC need to see as coming to your house as a "treat" at the moment you seem more like a 2nd Mum.

You seriously need to say you can only manage 2 after schools per week and not (say) a Wednesday.

Would it be easier to take them to their house and have them trash their house and raid their cupboards? Sounds awful tbh. Or when your DH comes home he then takes them home?

You need some boundaries around your daughter and DGC and fast.

Thanks
QueenoftheKarens · 27/09/2021 09:17

@takenforgrantednana I would call her bluff. Don't bother for a couple of weeks. She needs you to have the kids, so by ingoring her abusive messages (because that's what they are) you might actually make her think "hang on a minute I've really upset mum maybe I do need her more than she needs me."
I know you love your GP, but at what expense? She'll put you in the grave a hell of a lot earlier by her behaviour.

QueenoftheKarens · 27/09/2021 09:19

Also OP, find something for you! Join a little club like your local W.I or something fun just for you to make your own friends. Do not rely on your daughter. This post makes me sad. Thanks

Newestname002 · 27/09/2021 10:23

@takenforgrantednana

due to my being ill i spend most of my time sat at home on my own, having the kids here is my only source of fun in the house and our only visitors. im not spiteful as she claims me to be. and all this because i asked for a little thought and respect to give me some notice so the kids wouldnt be left high and dry!

This ^ example, plus the one where you tie yourself in knots around your own holiday requirements in order to placate your daughter, is part of the reason why you are in this dilemma, I'm afraid.

You do not come across as spiteful at all - quite the contrary: you are going too far in the other direction.

You need to recognise the need for you to have your own clear boundaries, that you don't broach nor allow other people to trample all over. To do this you need to value yourself more than you currently do - and set the example others need to follow. Otherwise why would you expect this situation to improve? 🌹

MzHz · 27/09/2021 11:42

OK now I'm really cross.

Shes manipulating you through your husband? WTAF.?!

You are ILL, you need support, not to be rushing around to suit the needs of your DD. Jesus I would be heartbroken if my own DD was as callous as yours is to you. You H needs to give her a massive wake up call and a half.

I suggest you message her via the FB messages that she has been sending your h and explain that you are ILL, that seeing what shes trying to say to h is really hurtful and nonsense and that you simply can't drop everything all the time for something as daft as her failing to plan her own childcare when there is another parent at home perfectly able to manage all that.

Explain that you're more than happy to have the kids dropped to you after their tea - by express arrangement - so that will give her/her H some breathing room to finish work etc, but that you won't be able to any more pick ups from the school due to the logistics involved and the affect they have on your health. You cant feed them, you can only entertain them at your house for the foreseeable future. it's too much otherwise.

MzHz · 27/09/2021 11:50

@Newchallenge

Actually I think some of the problem lies with you. "we didnt feel that we could just throw a coat on and go off out incase she phoned from work asking us to collect the kids" - that's what you have to change! Put yourself first for once.
I agree!

And as for the posters suggesting crafts and easy kids teas - FFS!

I knew 2 parents who were cabin crew and they actually paid her parents a set amount per month to cover all costs and would make sure that they had all the information they needed well in advance so they could plan other things for themselves

Etonmessisyum · 27/09/2021 12:06

Say no
Get a calendar out stuff on it even a trip to garden centre and a coffee - ask w friend or go on your own do other activities so that when she asks you can say well you didn’t tell me so I’ve arranged something else. You’re letting her treat you like this by sitting back and allowing it.

It’s really nice you help your daughter and she does need to be more organised but she won’t be if she can just phone mum and you roll over. My mum has never done that for me, mainly because she lived abroad then when they came back 390 miles away so visits are just fun. I’d also question her ‘family’ time. Are you not family? Or you’re just the grunt who makes sure she can enjoy family time, not very nice. I’d love to have a mum who does what you do - however I couldn’t treat someone like she does.
Say no op, take back control and live your life, meet people and don’t sit on your house all day waiting for a call from her. And buy some kids dinner food for the freezer.

FirstTimeMommy2021 · 27/09/2021 12:12

Always love your mother because you'll never get another.

She should feel lucky to have you, instead she's taking advantage. She would be lost without you.. I would call her round and have a word. She needs to be more organised and meet you in the middle a bit if she wants to continue having your help. And her H should step up a bit. WFH means he gets to manage his breaks so if that means he uses a late lunch break to grab the kids even if it's just 1 day a week to free time up for you a bit Nana then he should. You make sure you make a bit of time for yourself one day a week go and treat yourself to a coffee with a friend, get your nails done once a fortnight or something

They sound a little selfish, had it too easy with you, they probably haven't realised as it's become the norm now. Just have a word sooner rather than later to sort it out a bit.
Life's too short and you need to have a life x

saraclara · 27/09/2021 12:21

It goes without saying that she's behaving appallingly, and your DH needs to step up and defend you.
Personally though, when you do have them, I'd just sit them in front of the TV after school. It sounds as though you're trying too hard to entertain them. And yes, keep boring food in the cupboard or freezer so you don't have to go to the shops every time.

If they're picked up at 5:30/6 then beans on toast or a sandwich is enough to keep them going. Mum can do the rest when she gets home.

saraclara · 27/09/2021 12:22

You and your DH he'd to use your hospital appointment as a catalyst for change. When you've been, it can be "the doctor says...". Because this can't be good for your health.

MzHz · 27/09/2021 12:28

Always love your mother because you'll never get another

Please don’t trot this out! It’s bullshit.

I WISH I had a mother as caring and kind as @takenforgrantednana, I don’t. I have one who hurt me, hurt my kids and lies to everyone so it looks like I’m the bitch.

Tistheseason17 · 27/09/2021 12:33

@MzHz

Always love your mother because you'll never get another

Please don’t trot this out! It’s bullshit.

I WISH I had a mother as caring and kind as @takenforgrantednana, I don’t. I have one who hurt me, hurt my kids and lies to everyone so it looks like I’m the bitch.

I thought exactly the same 💯
FirstTimeMommy2021 · 27/09/2021 12:50

Trolling it out ??? 😂 don't know where you got that from

Some people don't have mothers full stop , esp like the OP is to her so it's food for thought for her own. Wasn't trollling it out at all you fool

Mary46 · 27/09/2021 14:47

You sound so good op. We had feck all help. I would start boundaries you available x days. Otherwise you cant plan anything yourself in your week. I find family can be forward

pinkyredrose · 27/09/2021 15:19

having the kids here is my only source of fun in the house and our only visitors

Struggling to see how it's fun tbh. They don't listen to you and trash your house, sounds like they have the same level of respect as their mother.