Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said I’m useless. Have I done this wrong?

236 replies

Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 12:22

DS was finishing lunch, we were heading out afterwards and I asked DH if he would go upstairs and get him some fresh clothes.

He was up there for ages and when he came down he’d brought clothes from his nursery drawer (you know, the clothes that are the ones you don’t mind if nursery ruin)

I’d said these are his nursery clothes, and I did make a comment that I wouldn’t have put that top with those bottoms.

DH told me it’s my fault, I’m useless and don’t know how to arrange his drawers properly.

He has two sets of drawers in his bedroom.
Each has 4 big drawers in.

One set of drawers is nursery clothes, bottoms, vests, tshirts, jumpers etc.

One set of drawers are his normal clothes.

Then he has his wardrobe space.

I have a decal sticker on his nursery drawers, labelled “nursery clothes”

DH said it’s stupid putting his clothes away like I have and that I should put them away as outfits, then it would be easier to dress DS.

The thing is a lot of his clothes mix and match so I don’t want to put them away as an outfit.

It seems trivial but I’m so upset he’s called me useless.

I struggle with my self esteem, especially since being a mum and comments like this really get to me. 😣

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 22:31

@Theworldishard

I’ll start him off young with a label maker.

OP posts:
Theworldishard · 26/09/2021 22:32

[quote Dandy008]@Theworldishard

I’ll start him off young with a label maker.[/quote]
You aren't coming across as the low self esteem victim you claimed to be in your first post...interesting Grin

ejhhhhh · 26/09/2021 22:32

I think your life would be simpler if you had ekss stuff OP. Try following some minimalists on insta as well as Stacey Soloman and Mrs Hinch. Maybe Joshua Becker and Courtney Carver. They might give you some useful ideas, and you probably wouldn't need to label everything. Then you don't need to get into arguments about your DH putting your toddler in "nursery clothes" on non-nursery days, because they'd all just be "clothes".

ejhhhhh · 26/09/2021 22:33

*less stuff

pelosi · 26/09/2021 22:34

You aren't coming across as the low self esteem victim you claimed to be in your first post...interesting grin

Because she won’t laugh along with being bullied? I’m glad she is sticking up for herself.

Poppinjay · 26/09/2021 22:37

Do you think he deliberately ignored the labels on the drawers so you wouldn't ask him to get clothes again?

Why didn't he already know that there were nursery clothes in that drawer and why? Does he never put your baby's clean laundry away?

Would he criticise you if you dressed him in stained clothes on a non-nursery day?

Does he often insult you and try to erode your self-esteem? Is him telling you that you are useless and insulting you in other ways the reason for your low self-esteem?

There are lots of nuances around situations like this that don't come across in posts. People tend to fill the gaps to fit their own mood/experience. Only you know really whether his reaction was unpleasant, OTT and designed to make sure you are kept in your place and don't dare criticise anything he does, no matter how intentionally badly he does it.

Listen to your gut instinct. What is it telling you?

Theworldishard · 26/09/2021 22:39

@pelosi

You aren't coming across as the low self esteem victim you claimed to be in your first post...interesting grin

Because she won’t laugh along with being bullied? I’m glad she is sticking up for herself.

Bullied? Oh please..you're feeding into it now and this post is boring and going nowhere..good night all 💗😘
Original poster
Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 22:40

@Theworldishard

Just because I have low self esteem, if does not mean that I will not stand up for myself.

It’s interesting that you have made this comment, do people purposely bully those with low self esteem as they know they are less likely to “fight back”…? Are we easy targets?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 22:43

Listen to your gut instinct. What is it telling you?

This is part of my issue. I don’t feel like I have a “gut instinct” because I no longer trust my own judgement.

Perhaps that’s why I’ve posted on here. Reassurance / validation seeking. Confused

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 26/09/2021 22:45

I no longer trust my own judgement.

What do you think has led to you feeling unable to trust your own judgement?

ejhhhhh · 26/09/2021 22:46

Have you been on AIBU before? Expecting validation from everyone is unwise. They they think you're BU, they'll tell you. You did ask!

Nancydrawn · 26/09/2021 22:49
  1. He shouldn't be calling you useless, which is a cruel thing to say.
  1. If the clothes weren't okay because of the weather, you were fine to mention it (though I wouldn't have used the words you described). If they were not to your taste, then you were unreasonable to mention it.
  1. Labeling things is, on the whole, not my cup of tea. Mrs. Hinch is probably the opposite of my design aesthetic, and I actually think some of what she does is pernicious. That said, if it's what makes you happy, it makes you happy, and you don't need to be ashamed or defensive.
Original poster
Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 22:50

@Poppinjay

I wish I knew.

I must often feel a bit… lost…

I question myself a lot. I worry I’ve made the wrong choice.

I do think DH has been critical of me in the past.

I once left a job to go to a great company on more money with a company car.

I missed out on an annual bonus from my then current employer as I handed my notice in just before bonuses were paid.

I remember at the time thinking I’d done the right thing, but DH was really pissed about it.

I’m definitely not blaming DH. He is also really supportive and understanding.

But I do think he often seems to make better decisions than I do which leaves me questioning if I’m living up to his standards.

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 26/09/2021 23:03

I didn't even dress myself properly this morningGrin
But nobody should be calling their partner useless. Even the small insight we have of you from this thread indicates you are far from useless.

Poppinjay · 26/09/2021 23:04

I do think he often seems to make better decisions than I do which leaves me questioning if I’m living up to his standards.

You need to find out about domestic abuse and coercive control, if you don't already have a good understanding of it. Some of the things you are saying are reminiscent of conversations I've had with people in abusive relationships when they are completely unable to see the abuse. Coercive control is like magic and victims are often unaware that they are victims. They feel like everything their abusers do to them is their own fault and that they simply aren't good enough so don't deserve better treatment.

The Freedom Programme online could be a good thing for you to do right now. It will help you understand the type of relationship you are in, if it is abusive. There's also a book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft that is often recommended by MNers.

I don't think anyone should need to appeal to the MN collective to ask whether it was reasonable for their DH to call them useless.

Before anyone else piles on to let me know that they don't think you are in an abusive relationship, I'm not saying that you are. I'm saying that there are indicators that you may be and it's worth giving you some information that might help you.

Porridgealert · 26/09/2021 23:13

@TheGrumpyGoat
I’m very organised, and nothing is labelled! I can see whether it’s spaghetti in the jar, or tea bags!

Maybe I need to invest in a spaghetti jar? I've got so many storage jars but nothing works. I need a label maker for poppy seeds that I use once every two years. 😒 I'm happy to take organisational tips from anyone who'll give them. 🙂

Bizawit · 26/09/2021 23:29

@Dandy008

For example…..
Good lord 😳😳😳. Is this a windup?
Porridgealert · 26/09/2021 23:30

@Dandy008
But I do think he often seems to make better decisions than I do which leaves me questioning if I’m living up to his standards.

I think the whole argument about your child's clothes was petty, but it seems that that's not what you're really posting about? I'm not commenting on whether you should.dtay or go because it all sounds pretty anodyne really but there might other issues we're not aware of. So I'll stick to one issue.

Your moving jobs was unfortunate timing but translating that as not living up to your husbands standards is a bit strange. In my experience men get on further in their careers because they have a happy knack of forgetting bad decisions they've made while bigging up ok decisions into brilliant ones. I guess that probably spills over into their personal life too.

Instead of trying to live up to his standards (which I'm sure you're actually exceeding!), why don't you set your own standards that you're happy with and you live up to them and let him crack on doing him. Prince Philip called the Queen silly. She glared at him and said I'm not silly, I'm the Queen. Find her attitude and you'll be fine.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 27/09/2021 03:20

I’d said these are his nursery clothes, and I did make a comment that I wouldn’t have put that top with those bottoms

That was a bit rude. He went on the defensive and snapped something equally rude back.

One thing to say they’re his nursery clothes, another to say the outfit clashes! Wouldn’t you feel hurt if he said that about an outfit you put together?

I also don’t understand having a separate nursery drawer, and mine went to nursery from 8 months to school age. I always dressed them in ‘normal’ clothes; good quality, sometimes secondhand, if something had stains that wouldn’t come out with soaking, I’d pass it on as ‘playwear’ (why send a child to daycare in stained or holey clothes when they’re just as likely to get stains and holes at home or out with you?)

Mine rarely got stains or holes in clothes (mud, paint and pen wash off) and nursery used aprons. If something had ripped knees or multiple holes I’d consider it past its functional life and turn it into dusters.

CaptSkippy · 27/09/2021 20:38

@Porridgealert
Calling your partner useless in an argument is beyond the pale. In fact any ad hominem is unacceptable in a relationship.

I believe in fighting fire with fire. It doesn't extinction the fire, but that's not the point. If someone calls someone useless, I will call them vile. It's only fair.

Porridgealert · 27/09/2021 21:23

Fighting fire with fire means you both burn to death. What's the point?

JollyJlly · 27/09/2021 21:39

This sounds like you organise epically. All my daughters clothes are mixed up and I will tell hubby that he’s got it wrong.

Your partner sounds like he’s being a dick. Sending hugs.

CaptSkippy · 28/09/2021 08:01

@Porridgealert

Fighting fire with fire means you both burn to death. What's the point?
Not necessarily, but it does mean you no longer have an incentive to stay in a scorched building where you try to extinguish one fire after another.
Newkitchen123 · 28/09/2021 08:15

You asked him to do something
You told him you didn't like what he did
He reacted
End of story
I'm sure this goes on up and down the country every day.
Sounds like your toddler has a hell of a lot of clothes!

maddening · 28/09/2021 08:22

Your husband is a dick who can't take criticism. I wonder how he responds to feedback at work 🤣😂
"Alan, I appreciate the effort you put in but you have made a few errors this week, how are you going to address this"
"That tie is shit Paul and you smell"