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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said I’m useless. Have I done this wrong?

236 replies

Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 12:22

DS was finishing lunch, we were heading out afterwards and I asked DH if he would go upstairs and get him some fresh clothes.

He was up there for ages and when he came down he’d brought clothes from his nursery drawer (you know, the clothes that are the ones you don’t mind if nursery ruin)

I’d said these are his nursery clothes, and I did make a comment that I wouldn’t have put that top with those bottoms.

DH told me it’s my fault, I’m useless and don’t know how to arrange his drawers properly.

He has two sets of drawers in his bedroom.
Each has 4 big drawers in.

One set of drawers is nursery clothes, bottoms, vests, tshirts, jumpers etc.

One set of drawers are his normal clothes.

Then he has his wardrobe space.

I have a decal sticker on his nursery drawers, labelled “nursery clothes”

DH said it’s stupid putting his clothes away like I have and that I should put them away as outfits, then it would be easier to dress DS.

The thing is a lot of his clothes mix and match so I don’t want to put them away as an outfit.

It seems trivial but I’m so upset he’s called me useless.

I struggle with my self esteem, especially since being a mum and comments like this really get to me. 😣

OP posts:
RealBecca · 26/09/2021 17:37

Why is there a label on the drawers!?

SmallPrawnEnergy · 26/09/2021 17:40

@ChequerBoard

"Oh give over, please….

I said in my OP I’d made a comment about me not putting them together.
I’m not talking a big thick woolly jumper of anything, just a thick (like jogging bottom material) type jumper.

Jeez"

So not a 'big thick jumper' at all then, just a sweatshirt than you didn't think matched the bottoms he brought down and was from the 'nursery drawer' so not posh enough for your liking?

Christ, did someone shit in your cereal this morning? Give it a rest miss marple.

Nursery clothes are messy / stained clothes you wouldn’t wear out, it’s not about being wrong or “not posh enough”.

The standards of MN men gets lower and lower too “he brought clothes what more do you want?”Hmm clothes that are suitable to wear on a warm day that aren’t stained and more suited to messy play? He might as well have gone fishing in the dirty washing and brought some clothes out, and half of MN would have gushed about him trying bless him.

Original poster
Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 17:42

@RealBecca

Why is there a label on the drawers!?
@RealBecca

Why not? It’s not uncommon. It’s just a fancy decal.

OP posts:
ButterflyAway · 26/09/2021 17:44

You criticised him first - if you can’t take it don’t dish it out.

Bizawit · 26/09/2021 17:47

YABU. This sounds like a bizarre interaction all around. What the hell are “nursery clothes” anyway? Who cares what your toddler wears on a day to day basis along as he is comfortable. And honestly who cares how your organise his drawers. I’d have been extremely annoyed at your pickiness if I were your partner in criticising his choice of clothes, and you are also massively overreacting to his defensive comment .

icedcoffees · 26/09/2021 17:55

@Dandy008

*OP started it by criticising his choice of outfit saying it "doesn't match".*

So why is okay for her to be critical but it's not okay when he retaliates?

@icedcoffees

I didn’t like his choice of outfit, but I didn’t insult him.

Him calling me useless isn’t the same as me telling him I didn’t like an outfit?!

I didn’t name call or insult him.

I think he probably took it as an insult, though.

I know you didn't directly tell him he was useless, but by criticising his choice of outfit - firstly by saying it wasn't matching and secondly by saying it wasn't suitable, he probably felt a bit picked at.

If you want your DS dressed in a specific outfit, then the best way to ensure that happens is to either do it yourself or tell your DH to pick up eg. the blue sweater with the tractor and the jeans with the silver button, or whatever.

You asked him to pick out clothes and he did. It's not his fault you decided they weren't suitable.

Original poster
Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 18:01

You asked him to pick out clothes and he did. It's not his fault you decided they weren't suitable.

I know, you’re right. I should’ve picked them myself or told him what pick.
It still doesn’t excuse his name calling though 😔

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 26/09/2021 18:02

Or you could - just let him pick what your ds wears today? It's ok if it is not what you'd pick just for once.

Josette77 · 26/09/2021 18:06

You both are wrong and overbearing.

TheGrumpyGoat · 26/09/2021 18:08

I’m more shocked by how many clothes he has Grin. My 2 year old just has 4 drawers. In fact my 8 and 5 year olds do too!

He was obviously reacting to being criticised. Calling you useless was horrible. I’d tell him he’s welcome to take over clothes organisation from now on.

Topseyt · 26/09/2021 18:12

He was unreasonable for calling you useless.

It is a bit bizarre though to segregate nursery clothes and home clothes in that way.

icedcoffees · 26/09/2021 18:12

@Dandy008

*You asked him to pick out clothes and he did. It's not his fault you decided they weren't suitable.*

I know, you’re right. I should’ve picked them myself or told him what pick.
It still doesn’t excuse his name calling though 😔

You're right, but I don't think you should have picked at him either. He responded to what he perceived as criticism.

Neither of you come out of this looking brilliant.

Bizawit · 26/09/2021 18:22

@Dandy008

*You asked him to pick out clothes and he did. It's not his fault you decided they weren't suitable.*

I know, you’re right. I should’ve picked them myself or told him what pick.
It still doesn’t excuse his name calling though 😔

And / or you should be wayyyyy less fussy about what your toddler wears. Still can’t get over having a labelled “nursery drawer”. Doesn’t he get messy even when not at nursery?
RealBecca · 26/09/2021 18:29

But you know which clothes are nursery clothes and husband ignores the label!

Are there labels for the other drawers?

lljkk · 26/09/2021 18:29

Very :( that he called you useless.

It is a leetle controlling to be bothered about 'Nursery' vs. 'Other' clothes.

I don't think this is about Nursery vs. Other clothes.

toocold54 · 26/09/2021 18:36

I know, you’re right. I should’ve picked them myself or told him what pick.
It still doesn’t excuse his name calling though

You were both as bad as each other.

You shouldn’t have been so rude about what he wanted to dress his child in and he shouldn’t have resorted to names.

In future you need to be less controlling and he needs to tell you what the problem is instead of calling you names which will result in a bigger argument than it needs to be.

Hesma · 26/09/2021 18:38

YABU and controlling. You asked him to dress your DS and he did. Don’t nit pick or he will nit pick back

ButterflyAway · 26/09/2021 18:52

I know, you’re right. I should’ve picked them myself or told him what pick.

Or you should have let him parent his child and pick for himself….

HereForThis · 26/09/2021 18:57

I think you criticised him (May not have sounded like that to you who's giving the criticism) and he lashed out.

Is this your usual way with each other - you critiquing what he does and him defending by attack?

I think he was wrong to "attack" by saying you/how you do it is useless, and he may be terrible at accepting criticism.
I think you may need to stop criticising someone for doing things the way you'd like to do them. Either tell them exactly what, where and how or let them get on with it.

Original poster
Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 19:00

@Topseyt

He was unreasonable for calling you useless.

It is a bit bizarre though to segregate nursery clothes and home clothes in that way.

It’s really not.

Most of my friends do it this way too.

My son gets really messy at nursery, he’s always baking, painting etc.

I have a drawer of clothes that I don’t mind if they get “ruined”.

OP posts:
TheGrumpyGoat · 26/09/2021 19:11

I’ve had three children at nursery (one still there) and have never separated their clothes. They do baking, painting and other messy stuff at home too so it doesn’t make any difference.

Bizawit · 26/09/2021 19:27

My tot goes to nursery and it has literally never occurred to me to separate clothes in this way. Very controlling and bizarre.

daisypond · 26/09/2021 19:31

I also think it’s a bit odd to separate out clothes the way you do. I would expect all clothes that a small child wears to be used while baking, painting etc. Perhaps one outfit kept aside “for best”. It indicates to me that perhaps he simply has too many clothes. But it’s up to you.

HotSauceCommittee · 26/09/2021 19:36

Is this how he normally speaks to you when you disagree or things do go his way, OP?
Are you general nice to each other...happy together?

FireworkParrot · 26/09/2021 19:39

You sound overbearing on the clothes front. I'd say having two separate chests of drawers plus a wardrobe and some sort of decal on the nursery drawers saying that's what it is demonstrates that. It comes across as overbearing/controlling and you spoke to your DH like he was a child. You were passive aggressive and he was rude. Neither is great to be honest.