DH said I’m useless. Have I done this wrong?

[Dandy008]

DS was finishing lunch, we were heading out afterwards and I asked DH if he would go upstairs and get him some fresh clothes.

He was up there for ages and when he came down he’d brought clothes from his nursery drawer (you know, the clothes that are the ones you don’t mind if nursery ruin)

I’d said these are his nursery clothes, and I did make a comment that I wouldn’t have put that top with those bottoms.

DH told me it’s my fault, I’m useless and don’t know how to arrange his drawers properly.

He has two sets of drawers in his bedroom.
Each has 4 big drawers in.

One set of drawers is nursery clothes, bottoms, vests, tshirts, jumpers etc.

One set of drawers are his normal clothes.

Then he has his wardrobe space.

I have a decal sticker on his nursery drawers, labelled “nursery clothes”

DH said it’s stupid putting his clothes away like I have and that I should put them away as outfits, then it would be easier to dress DS.

The thing is a lot of his clothes mix and match so I don’t want to put them away as an outfit.

It seems trivial but I’m so upset he’s called me useless.

I struggle with my self esteem, especially since being a mum and comments like this really get to me. 😣

It's all just so much pettiness over nothing. Get your kid dressed yourself if you're going to be that picky about outfit choices.

@Porcupineintherough

He's being unreasonable to call you useless. You are being equally unreasonable to ask him to do something then piss all over the way he's done it. I expect he was feeling pretty useless at that point and hit back.

This. It works both ways.

This probably not popular answer but I think if you wanted specific clothes in mind or felt he got the wrong clothes then you should have gone yourself.

These comments may just stop him wanting to go next time - righty or wrongly

He has commented about your system as it led to him having fault founded in him.

It is tough having a little one - one wisdom someone passed to me (possibly midwife in hospital with no.1) if partner is changing nappy or feeding or dressing they may do it differently to you but just let them do it - similarly we would not want someone commenting on how we feed, dress the baby & to be a partnership the partner should not feel like our way is presumed as the best way.

If there is a specific outfit that matters holidays/high days etc then I would do it myself or leave it clearly marked.

My partner when left to dress them seems to find all odds & sods but I know from experience if I comment, it knocks confidence or annoys -

Lots of unkind things are said in the course of a marriage. Let him know he hurt your feelings and then let it go.

He shouldn’t have retaliated but honestly what difference does it really make if the top and trousers aren’t your taste or are nursery clothes. He’s an equal parent, he can dress your kid by his choice too

The bottom line is if you’d just let it go on the clothes he’d not have retaliated. As you also basically told him he was doing it wrong

It’s just clothes, it was irrelevant.

Dh took DD out for the day once pumpkin picking in a paint stained tshirt and thin pink ballet tights with navy pants visible underneath. She was 5 at the time.

Some of the outfits he dressed her in as a baby were given their own nicknames. The 'evil kinevil' was particularly eyecatching.

Hes a prat for turning it bavk on you for the drawer organisation though.

I’m sensitive to this, but calling someone useless can be a sign of emotional abuse. It’s ok (not ideal but we all make mistakes) if it was a one off, in the heat of the moment. But not at all if he’s also says ‘you always/never’ and is generally derogatory to your thoughts and effort. My dad has abused my mum this way for years.

@Porcupineintherough

He's being unreasonable to call you useless. You are being equally unreasonable to ask him to do something then piss all over the way he's done it. I expect he was feeling pretty useless at that point and hit back.

This^

What a rude way to speak to you.

Is that the norm from him?

Could his rudeness to you be part of your esteem issues?

He certainly doesn't sound very nice.

BoredZelda has taken an omniscience pill, handy.

BoredZelda has been around MN long enough to spot a “things aren’t going my way, let me change the story” drip feed, when she sees one.

If you are the one to nip upstairs , then you would end up doing all the work yourself. Why would you?

Fine, I’d ask him to go back upstairs if you want to be so over dramatic about it that one trip back upstairs equates to doing all the work. Point is, there are better ways than to criticise and belittle someone.

@billy1966

What a rude way to speak to you.

Is that the norm from him?

Could his rudeness to you be part of your esteem issues?

He certainly doesn't sound very nice.

OP started it by criticising his choice of outfit saying it "doesn't match".

So why is okay for her to be critical but it's not okay when he retaliates?

I really think you nitpicking at him made him feel pretty useless and undermined. We’re you trying to sound superior and put him down? It can sometimes be a sign of poor self-esteem - you find something you are “good” at and if anyone doesn’t do it the way you would, you let them know about it. No, he shouldn’t have said what he did, but you started it.

Finding appropriate clothing for the weather is quite a low bar. The op's h should be able to do this. If he can't, it's fair enough for op to criticise his choice. Hard to see if this is a one-off or a pattern of behaviour, though.

You're both as bad as each other.
You probably made him feel useless, when you asked him to get clothes and then told him it was all wrong. Wrong drawer, wouldn't put that with that.
If you're picky about what he wears, get the clothes yourself in future.
He probably hit back at you for making him feel stupid. You're both in the wrong and need to grow up a tad.

The OP only added a bit about the clothing not being right for the weather when she didn’t get the responses she wanted. It was originally about the fact that she didn’t think the tops and bottoms matched.

Is it really too much to expect a father to know 1.) where his child’s clothes are kept and 2.) how to dress his child for the weather.

Should the OP have been so grateful that he came down with a woolly jumper and trousers on a hot day that she simply mustn’t point out how daft a choice that was in case the poor man is offended? Fuck that.

This dipshit of a father had no idea where his kid’s clothes were even kept. And his ego was so fragile that his idiocy when pointed out, caused him to attack the OP.

Some of you who commented on my last post must have a very low bar for what you expect from men.

I think you should keep the comments about jacket not matching trousers to yourself. Your husband must have felt a bit useless that he couldn’t dress the child “correctly”.
Unless the child is about to freeze or overheat I let my her walk around in all sorts of combinations that my husband has chosen.

This dipshit of a father had no idea where his kid’s clothes were even kept. And his ego was so fragile that his idiocy when pointed out, caused him to attack the OP.

@Getyourownback have you read the OP? He did dress his child so he obviously knows where the clothes are kept.

@ChequerBoard

It’s picky to say a thick jumper is not appropriate for a warm day?"

The alleged thick jumper was a major drip feed from OP after she was not winning the thread by a long way.

Why would you have a thick jumper at the top of the nursery clothes drawer? It's not been thick jumper weather for a long time.

Not buying it.

@ChequerBoard

Oh give over, please….

I said in my OP I’d made a comment about me not putting them together.
I’m not talking a big thick woolly jumper of anything, just a thick (like jogging bottom material) type jumper.

Jeez

"Oh give over, please….

I said in my OP I’d made a comment about me not putting them together.
I’m not talking a big thick woolly jumper of anything, just a thick (like jogging bottom material) type jumper.

Jeez"

So not a 'big thick jumper' at all then, just a sweatshirt than you didn't think matched the bottoms he brought down and was from the 'nursery drawer' so not posh enough for your liking?

OP started it by criticising his choice of outfit saying it "doesn't match".

So why is okay for her to be critical but it's not okay when he retaliates?

@icedcoffees

I didn’t like his choice of outfit, but I didn’t insult him.

Him calling me useless isn’t the same as me telling him I didn’t like an outfit?!

I didn’t name call or insult him.

@girlmom21

Realistically you've both called each other useless and you're just upset by his choice of words.

This in spades

Your entitled to have an opinion on the outfit he chose if it makes your son look like 'no ones child'. We all know nursery clothes are cheaper and less nice because they'll likely get wrecked or paint on them. Maybe he's a bit useless, and not you, if he can't even chose an outfit and needs you to organise the drawer for him.

You didn’t say you thought he was useless and that was a very unkind thing for him to say

You did criticise the clothes he selected on two points when you could have just said ‘thanks for getting them’ and quietly thought not what I’d have chosen

Surely you can see the direct correlation between how you made him feel ‘useless’ and how he then made you feel?

Still these relatively innocuous threads are turning into real bitchfests from certain posters. What is going on at the moment? Is it a society-wide state of misery turning people into arseholes?

Nothing will top the absolute onslaught to the woman who was at the end of her tether with her ASD child, but even this thread has got posters acting like dogs with bones.