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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said I’m useless. Have I done this wrong?

236 replies

Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 12:22

DS was finishing lunch, we were heading out afterwards and I asked DH if he would go upstairs and get him some fresh clothes.

He was up there for ages and when he came down he’d brought clothes from his nursery drawer (you know, the clothes that are the ones you don’t mind if nursery ruin)

I’d said these are his nursery clothes, and I did make a comment that I wouldn’t have put that top with those bottoms.

DH told me it’s my fault, I’m useless and don’t know how to arrange his drawers properly.

He has two sets of drawers in his bedroom.
Each has 4 big drawers in.

One set of drawers is nursery clothes, bottoms, vests, tshirts, jumpers etc.

One set of drawers are his normal clothes.

Then he has his wardrobe space.

I have a decal sticker on his nursery drawers, labelled “nursery clothes”

DH said it’s stupid putting his clothes away like I have and that I should put them away as outfits, then it would be easier to dress DS.

The thing is a lot of his clothes mix and match so I don’t want to put them away as an outfit.

It seems trivial but I’m so upset he’s called me useless.

I struggle with my self esteem, especially since being a mum and comments like this really get to me. 😣

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 26/09/2021 14:08

Why are u treating your husband like your child ?

1forAll74 · 26/09/2021 14:09

This seems to be a silly non issue, and not worth having a conversation with ones partner about.

MadeOfStarStuff · 26/09/2021 14:09

YABU to be so picky over clothes and criticise (notice it only became inappropriate for the weather in a drip feed, originally it just didn’t match)

HIBU to insult you and to apparently be incapable of choosing clothes without you matching them up for him.

HoppingPavlova · 26/09/2021 14:10

and I did make a comment that I wouldn’t have put that top with those bottoms.

Come now OP. This was your original story and after being told by many you were unreasonable it has changed to both the top and bottom were weather inappropriate and that was your issue with what he brought downHmm. I’m guessing the actual scenario was as you originally put it forward, you didn’t believe they went well together.

You were extremely unreasonable in telling him he was useless in getting clothes for his child. He was extremely unreasonable in telling you that your system of child clothes organisation is useless.

More importantly, all this is over clothes that your child could not give two shits over. I remember I used to keep mine ‘occupied’ while waiting to go out by picking out clothes for the youngest/baby who was always dressed just before setting off (lest they poop/spew before we got out the door). Younger siblings wore some VERY eclectic outfits at times. Their siblings were always very proud of the stunning outfit they had created. The baby/toddler couldn’t give a shit what they were wearing. Why two adults would fight over this stuff is beyond belief.

Balonzette · 26/09/2021 14:11

Honestly, it doesn't really matter if he wears nursery clothes outside, does it? My kids don't even have nursery clothes, just regular clothes which they wear anywhere. It's not like nursery clothes are an essential.

He was mean to you, but he was probably frustrated that you'd made two criticisms about minor issues. These things didn't need to be said. YA both BU.

notanothertakeaway · 26/09/2021 14:12

@Doginthepark2021

I have this all the time, not the being called useless part, but the apparent incompetence of being able to put an outfit together or find anything from a wardrobe and a set of drawers. Even returning without anything saying he ‘can’t find any clothes’. He manages to run a business so I firmly believe it’s done on purpose so he doesn’t have to do it again. I’m the same with the mix and match clothes too and have a couple of colour themes where everything would easily go together. It’s not hard but he probably wants thanking for ‘helping’ you. I get a defensive reaction for getting involved sometimes but honestly it’s needed! You sound like you’re doing a good job, please don’t feel useless, we all struggle with thinking we’re doing the right things and by the sounds of it you’re doing more than your fair share!!!
If I chose clothes for a toddler and my DH told me they were the wrong colour, I'd be pretty defensive

The phrase 'pick your battles" springs to mind

What's more important for a young child, a cute matching outfit, or a happy atmosphere?

mellicauli · 26/09/2021 14:12

Press the reset button - move on.

Going forward, seeing as you don't like being criticized, lay off the criticism yourself.

Porridgealert · 26/09/2021 14:12

I often wonder at the combination my DH chooses to wear himself so goodness knows what he'd choose for someone else. 😂 Unless there's some sort of back story, I think he tossed out 'useless' because he felt under attack and was retaliating. Not a big thing I'd be worrying about.

HoppingPavlova · 26/09/2021 14:13

To clarify the older siblings (who were still young children) were kept occupied by picking out the outfit for baby/toddler while I was getting baby out of current outfit, changing nappy etc ready for new clothes.

Practicebeingpatient · 26/09/2021 14:21

You asked him to do a job and then carped because he didn't do it your way. He retaliated. 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

C8H10N4O2 · 26/09/2021 14:21

Is this a one off or does he regularly blame you and call you useless for his own failures?

Why does he do so little child management that he doesn't know which clothes are which even when they are labelled?

Viviennemary · 26/09/2021 14:21

Sounds a bit overcomplicated. You sound difficult to please.

toocold54 · 26/09/2021 14:22

Come now OP. This was your original story and after being told by many you were unreasonable it has changed to both the top and bottom were weather inappropriate and that was your issue with what he brought downhmm. I’m guessing the actual scenario was as you originally put it forward, you didn’t believe they went well together.

I agree but even if it’s true it is the end of September so it’s chilly and if he got warm later on you could have just taken the jumper off.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 26/09/2021 14:26

Just let him dress his child. Honestly.

toocold54 · 26/09/2021 14:32

Sorry but he should have done that often enough to
- know where clothes are and how they are organised
- know how to dress his child appropriately for the weather/activity etc…

Why does OPs opinion on what is nursery/day wear and what is appropriate for the weather/activity trump her DHs opinion?

If DH thought it was ok then OP should have either accepted it or got him changed herself.

Getyourownback · 26/09/2021 14:37

He’s attacking you because you pointed out his stupidity and he feels affronted. He’s obviously one of those men who will not accept a woman criticising them when they do stupid shit. There’s plenty of them about and they are nasty.

ChequerBoard · 26/09/2021 14:44

@Getyourownback

He’s attacking you because you pointed out his stupidity and he feels affronted. He’s obviously one of those men who will not accept a woman criticising them when they do stupid shit. There’s plenty of them about and they are nasty.
That is a really obtuse statement. You think it's fine for OP 'to point out his stupidity?

Sounds like someone who likes to dish it out but can't take it and then acts the victim.

nellyburt · 26/09/2021 14:47

If you ask someone to dress someone and they do you can't moan. If you want them dressed in a certain way do it yourself

icedcoffees · 26/09/2021 14:50

@Getyourownback

He’s attacking you because you pointed out his stupidity and he feels affronted. He’s obviously one of those men who will not accept a woman criticising them when they do stupid shit. There’s plenty of them about and they are nasty.
Why should he accept her criticism when she can't accept his, though?

OP started it by picking at him about how the outfit he picked didn't match. He retaliated.

MsWalterMitty · 26/09/2021 14:52

You more or less called him useless too... I bet you were thinking it! 🙄

RosiePosieDozy · 26/09/2021 14:53

He's projecting. He probably felt embarrassed when you mentioned that you wouldn't have put that outfit together. He realised that he hadn't picked a suitable outfit for the weather and turned it around on you.

I know what you mean about the word 'useless'. It's really nasty and he used it to get you to question your parenting.

ancientgran · 26/09/2021 14:53

You asked him to get fresh clothes. He got fresh clothes. You were nasty about what he had chosen. He was rude to you. To be honest I'd be rude to you as well, the normal reaction when you ask someone to do something and they do it is to say thank you.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 26/09/2021 14:59

I think you're hard work, OP. My DP has dressed my dd in questionable outfits a few times, my only reaction has been to say thank you. Maybe you should try it next time.

Coyoacan · 26/09/2021 15:02

Are you the sort of person who complains that their DH doesn't load the dishwasher 'properly'? If so, you may find life easier if you let go a bit

You are making a rod for your own back. You want an impossible level of perfection with your housekeeping systems and discourage any initiative on the part of your husband.

I imagine your low self-esteem is making you try to be the perfect housewife, but making your husband feel like he can never do anything right when it comes to housework is giving him the perfect get-out-clause.

CaptSkippy · 26/09/2021 15:02

Your husband sounds vile, OP.