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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said I’m useless. Have I done this wrong?

236 replies

Dandy008 · 26/09/2021 12:22

DS was finishing lunch, we were heading out afterwards and I asked DH if he would go upstairs and get him some fresh clothes.

He was up there for ages and when he came down he’d brought clothes from his nursery drawer (you know, the clothes that are the ones you don’t mind if nursery ruin)

I’d said these are his nursery clothes, and I did make a comment that I wouldn’t have put that top with those bottoms.

DH told me it’s my fault, I’m useless and don’t know how to arrange his drawers properly.

He has two sets of drawers in his bedroom.
Each has 4 big drawers in.

One set of drawers is nursery clothes, bottoms, vests, tshirts, jumpers etc.

One set of drawers are his normal clothes.

Then he has his wardrobe space.

I have a decal sticker on his nursery drawers, labelled “nursery clothes”

DH said it’s stupid putting his clothes away like I have and that I should put them away as outfits, then it would be easier to dress DS.

The thing is a lot of his clothes mix and match so I don’t want to put them away as an outfit.

It seems trivial but I’m so upset he’s called me useless.

I struggle with my self esteem, especially since being a mum and comments like this really get to me. 😣

OP posts:
NovemberWitch · 26/09/2021 13:33

‘Great, could you pop up and get him a t shirt too?’

If you want people to be considerate of your self-esteem and vulnerabilities, lead by example.
If he’d yelled down the stairs ‘I can’t find anything, you’re useless at organising his clothes’ then you might have a point.
But you started sniping first.

Psychonabike · 26/09/2021 13:36

His reaction was unnecessary, and I agree with others that he was probably projecting how you made him feel.

BUT if the clothes were perfectly serviceable i.e. weather appropriate and complete (pants, socks, top, bottoms, vest) then he did the job right.

I think if you are picky about outfits, and you want to indulge this pickiness then it's down to you, and you alone. Some things are just "extra" and if "extra" is important to you, you do it yourself.

There is a line -the man that brings half an outfit (pinafores with no top to go underneath, no underwear, weather inappropriate) needs to step up, or stop the strategic incompetence. But matching/coordinating? That's in the hands of the person who cares about that, either by storing as co-ordinated outfits or selecting the outfit themselves.

toocold54 · 26/09/2021 13:36

YABU it’s his child so surely he can dress him in whatever he wants to? I’m not sure why you nit picked not only on what drawer they came out of but also the fact the top and trousers didn’t go together. You do sound a bit controlling so I can see why he’d be upset.

However there was no reason for him to speak to you like that he could have easily just said i’ll dress him how I want instead of resorting to name calling.

I think you both need to have an honest conversation as usually when someone snaps like that over something small it’s because something has been building up for a while.

NovemberWitch · 26/09/2021 13:36

@Lilymossflower

If you wanted a certain outfit then you maybe should have gone and got it yourself, I don’t think you can expect a man to know what you wanted to dress the child in?

So men have no knowledge of what clothes are suitable for different occasions or weathers? Grin I guess grown men still need to be dressed by their mothers then Grin

We had it the other way round. He was the SAHP working part time, and I was the WOTH parent. My precious little princess wasn’t always co-ordinated, but the co-parenting worked well.
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 26/09/2021 13:37

My DH would have just said he couldn't do it. I've never asked him to hang out the DC's washing, he used to all the time and I hated it, because he'd hang out 4 pairs of trousers and no tops.

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/09/2021 13:38

He was out of order. How hard is it to dress a child in weather appropriate clothes?

BoredZelda · 26/09/2021 13:38

Well he brought inappropriate clothes, ones that were too warm for that day. Do you expect the toddler to struggle with clothes that are too warm just to protect DH’s pride?

I’m not buying the drip feed of the thick wooly jumper added after OP realised the “doesn’t go with” criticism made her look bad. I’m certain that would have made it into the OP if that were the case. In any event, the correct response is, oh that’s an awfully warm jumper for today’s weather, I’ll just nip up and get a t-shirt instead.

Tistheseason17 · 26/09/2021 13:38

Yeah, I'd be upset if I'd been criticised for helping because I'd not done it the way they wanted it. If you want it done a 'specific way do it yourself but don't be mean after your DH helped.

cookingisoverrated · 26/09/2021 13:40

He's lashing out at you for his mistake. Not on.

I'd tell him you look forward to seeing the reorganisation of the drawers by the end of the day since he clearly thinks he knows better than you in spite of the obvious labels.

TintinIsBack · 26/09/2021 13:43

@Tistheseason17

Yeah, I'd be upset if I'd been criticised for helping because I'd not done it the way they wanted it. If you want it done a 'specific way do it yourself but don't be mean after your DH helped.
Helping?

The father is HELPING by getting clothes for his child??

Sorry but he should have done that often enough to

  • know where clothes are and how they are organised
  • know how to dress his child appropriately for the weather/activity etc…
TatianaBis · 26/09/2021 13:43

@BoredZelda has taken an omniscience pill, handy.

BlueJag · 26/09/2021 13:44

Ok so what he is actually saying is I don't know how to dress our child even though you labeled things and make the task simple. I can't help calling you useless because I'm a moron.

ChequerBoard · 26/09/2021 13:45

Anyone else feeling sorry for the toddler listening to his parents bitch at each other other over what he should wear?

Bet the day out was unpleasant (or cancelled) after that little spat.

Poor kid.

TatianaBis · 26/09/2021 13:45

@ChequerBoard

It’s picky to say a thick jumper is not appropriate for a warm day?"

The alleged thick jumper was a major drip feed from OP after she was not winning the thread by a long way.

Why would you have a thick jumper at the top of the nursery clothes drawer? It's not been thick jumper weather for a long time.

Not buying it.

Well why not just straight out accuse OP of lying then.
TintinIsBack · 26/09/2021 13:46

@BoredZelda

Well he brought inappropriate clothes, ones that were too warm for that day. Do you expect the toddler to struggle with clothes that are too warm just to protect DH’s pride?

I’m not buying the drip feed of the thick wooly jumper added after OP realised the “doesn’t go with” criticism made her look bad. I’m certain that would have made it into the OP if that were the case. In any event, the correct response is, oh that’s an awfully warm jumper for today’s weather, I’ll just nip up and get a t-shirt instead.

If you are the one to nip upstairs , then @BoredZelda you would end up doing all the work yourself. Why would you?
thewhatsit · 26/09/2021 13:46

I think the way your DH spoke to you is almost unforgivable… however, your system for clothes sounds OTT and I couldn’t cope with that. I didn’t know people have separate clothes for nursery and non nursery and I’m not remotely precious about what anyone wears and whether it matches.

Notaroadrunner · 26/09/2021 13:46

@cookingisoverrated

He's lashing out at you for his mistake. Not on.

I'd tell him you look forward to seeing the reorganisation of the drawers by the end of the day since he clearly thinks he knows better than you in spite of the obvious labels.

What mistake? The mistake of not being a mind reader and bringing the exact clothes op wanted the child to wear?
thelastgoldeneagle · 26/09/2021 13:50

Your dh sounds really unpleasant. Was he wearing a thick jumper today? If not, you could ask him why he'd chosen different clothes for his ds. And it sounds like you have organised the clothes fine. I always do one drawer for tops, one for bottoms, one for hoodies, etc.

Your dh sounds like a real catch. Not! Sounds like he's the useless one, incapable of choosing clothes for a toddler.

Is he usually like this?

ejhhhhh · 26/09/2021 13:58

In future I would pick your battles, life is easier and less stressful that way. Your toddler was dressed, I wouldn't criticise my DH's choice of clothes for our toddler unless it was a really inappropriate outfit, then I'd still probably criticise in a non-confrontational way, make a joke out of it or something. Your DH was reacting to your criticism, with a counter criticism, although calling you useless is out of order. I kind of think you started it though, so I'd think twice before embarking on unnecessary criticism that will likely result in an argument.

Aprilx · 26/09/2021 14:02

I only mentioned the clothes because he brought down a thick jumper and jogging bottoms

You are conveniently changing your story, in your first post, the clothes simply didn’t go together, (nearly) everybody tells you how unreasonable you are and lo and behold the clothes were not weather appropriate. 🙄

I don’t think he should have called you useless because of how clothes we arranged, but I do think you effectively called him useless first. I wouldn’t organise clothes by outfit either, but I don’t see why you need nursery clothes and normal clothes. I hope you don’t keep this up post nursery, my mother had school clothes (no uniform in my primary) and other clothes and effectively send us to school in tatty clothes which was embarrassing and led to ridicule and bullying.

updownroundandround · 26/09/2021 14:03

@Dandy008

I'd have a real issue with being called 'useless' by my DH for any bloody reason !

You really need to tell him where to stick his derogatory name calling !

Don't allow him to think he's entitled/allowed to continue treating you with no respect because he's annoyed he couldn't read a bloody sign on a drawer ! (He can read it, he just couldn't be arsed doing anything except grabbing the first items of clothing he came across ffs, then got angry when you said the thick jumper and joggers were not really suitable for hot weather !)

Tell me, if he'd called upstairs to you asking you to bring down clothes for him to wear today, would he be happy to wear a thick jumper and joggers ? Or would he be telling you that they were a stupid choice ? Hmm

Unless you want your DS to copy his Dad's example of 'how to speak to your partner' in a marriage/relationship, then you need to address this.

Aprilx · 26/09/2021 14:04

@thelastgoldeneagle

Your dh sounds really unpleasant. Was he wearing a thick jumper today? If not, you could ask him why he'd chosen different clothes for his ds. And it sounds like you have organised the clothes fine. I always do one drawer for tops, one for bottoms, one for hoodies, etc.

Your dh sounds like a real catch. Not! Sounds like he's the useless one, incapable of choosing clothes for a toddler.

Is he usually like this?

You realise there was not a whiff of a mention of a thick jumper until OP was resoundingly told she was being unreasonable for criticising his clothes choices.
ChildrenGrowingUpTooFast · 26/09/2021 14:05

Gosh does it matter he wear nursery clothes going out.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 26/09/2021 14:06

Both unreasonable for criticising each other.

BiLuminous · 26/09/2021 14:07

It all sounds daft, like you've both sniped at each other. He shouldn't have said that and you shouldn't have nitpicked the clothes if you weren't doing the job.

I do get the whole clothes not going together thing though, my ex used to do it and in the end I just let them go out looking ridiculous or i'd fix it by changing them into something else/doing it in the first place. I tried putting the outfits together but he'd just rifle through and get whatever he wanted, not seeing they were put together for a reason!