I feel hurt that partner spends Christmas without me

[Lazul1]

Partner and I have been together for three years. This would be the third Christmas we have been together as a couple.

He normally spends Christmas with his mum and extended family. Last year was a last-minute exception due to the restrictions and concerns about public transport when cases were so high, so we spent it together. He wasn’t very happy about it though.

This year he has made it clear he will be spending Christmas with his family again. They live about three hours away and he doesn’t drive, so he will be gone for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

He doesn’t really get on with his family and has told me mostly unpleasant things about them, including their disapproval of his previous partners.

He has never explicitly invited me to meet his mum or go with him for Christmas. This year, I told him that I felt hurt about the prospect that he was never willingly going to spend Christmas with me. He got frustrated and told me that I knew this, we had already discussed it and didn’t understand why I was bringing it up again. He said that he had an obligation to go. Eventually he said that his mum told me I’m welcome to go but he didn’t actually invite me himself.

Christmas is a difficult time for me as I don’t have any family, so tend to spend it alone. I’d feel awkward about going with him as he obviously doesn’t really want me to, and it doesn’t sound like I’d get a warm welcome anyway.

He’s currently not really speaking to me.

AIBU?

So not only are you spending Christmas apart, but you’re on your own? He doesn’t sound like much of a partner to me.

I would be very upset by that too so no you are definitely not being unreasonable. Especially as you have no family yourself.

It sounds as though he feels he is obligated to go but doesn't actually want to, especially if he has already told you unpleasant things about them!!

What will be the Christmas plans if you end up having children?? Will he still be trotting off to mums for 3 days and leaving you alone then?

Are you sure you arent the other woman?

I wouldn't stay in this relationship. He sounds horrible. After 3 years he really ought to be wanting to spend Christmas with you - he isn't viewing you as a partner is he?

He sounds awful. No normal person leaves someone they love alone for Xmas!

Is he definitely single? Any chance he's leading a double life?

Three years in you've not met his family and he'd rather you be alone over Xmas than you come... I'm not sure that would work for me

Woah, it's one thing you both going off and doing your family things separately, but for him
to go and leave you on your own, when his mum has said you can come and he doesn't actually ask you?

That's shit.

Why would he do that?

I can’t see any future here, OP, I’m sorry.

He willingly leaves you hurt and alone for 3 days rather than share a family invite with you or out you first. After three years this is not okay! You’re not a priority and I would honestly be splitting from him.

This is odd. You are a couple but he is acting like a single man as far as his family are concerned.
One scenario is that he doesn't like them very much, but still feels obliged to put on a false front of being with them at Christmas, whilst not wanting to drag you into it?
The second is that he doesn't actually see you as a partner.
Spending it alone is miserable for you and despite above scenarios is selfish of him. Can you go on a singles Christmas break, if there is such a thing?

I know a couple where both spend Xmas with their respective families every year because neither wants to be away from their own family. They’ve been together about 7 years and not married. However if one of them was alone at Xmas that would be a different matter. Your partner is being selfish and unkind. Why can’t you spend it together on your own if he doesn’t like going home?

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, he sounds completely dreadful. Honestly, what is the point of being with someone who makes you feel bad because you say you’d like to spend Christmas together, who sulks, and who has no problem with letting you spend Christmas on your own? I really think you owe it to yourself to move on from this relationship.

How awful . He also tried to dismiss you when you bought it up ' weve discussed this ' . . After 3 years i would be very unhappy with this and be pushing this with him questioning why he is separating you out

Do you live together?

YANBU at all, and he probably knows that and is feeling guilty/defensive about it, hence the not talking.
Sounds like he feels he has to, but doesnt want to or feels you might make a tense situation more so. Regardless, leaving you alone for Christmas is not really acceptable. Is it an option for you you both to go but stay nearby instead of with the family?

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way? I can't imagine what makes you want to be with him so badly?

Is he really lovely to you in all other ways except for this weird Christmas thing?

Somehow I can’t imagine he is, because he sounds like a massive twat.

I'm afraid it probably won't get any better.

In my 20s/30s I spent nearly 10 years with someone that I never spent Christmas with, and hardly ever went on holiday with. He always had a better offer from his mates and was, clearly, immensely selfish. What an utter fool I was.

I don't think your partner will ever change. I wish I'd knocked our 'relationship' on the head after a year or so rather than letting it drag on so long. I still feel cheated out of my 20s.

Whats the rest of the relationship like? Because if I have to spend christmas alone, I would make it because I was single rather than with someone who doesn’t care about me. There are better men out there, and this sounds like you should go find one.

See I would always want to spend Christmas with my family (extended family too) and I wouldn't be willing to spend what I would consider a rather flat Christmas with one other person instead. I know on Mumsnet lots of people claim to love a small Christmas, but I don't.

Certainly I would invite my DP, but if he was saying he didn't feel comfortable joining my family, and basically wanted me to stay home alone with him, that would be a no.

Think you should get out of this one sided relationship. What do your friends think?
If you want to try compromise and family dynamics can be weird book stay in Nice hotel nearby. Meet his family say just for Xmas day and see how they react to him and you. Then see if you really want to continue with this man

Is this more a fwb scenario? Without you realising

He's not talking to you?
Because you wanted to discuss something that bothers you?

Hmmmm

I'd be so hurt if my bf treated me like that. How can he leave you alone for 3 days over Christmas while he spends it with his family? It sounds like you're right at the bottom of his priority list! Go with him, meet the family and see what they're like and then decide if this relationship is going to continue. They might welcome you with open arms.

He doesn't sound like a nice man. Of course he should have invited you too. Leaving you alone at Christmas and now not properly talking to you. Is he ever nice? I think it may be a kick to get you evaluating whether your relationship is healthy and what you want.

Your not his partner OP, you're his extra bit when he doesn't have any other commitments. His DM said you are welcome, but he hasn't indicated that he wants you there. Sorry to say this but it sounds as if he's embarrassed for you to meet them. He's said they were disapproving of other partners so he must think they have grounds for critisizing you too. Bin this loser.