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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel hurt that partner spends Christmas without me

175 replies

Lazul1 · 26/09/2021 08:50

Partner and I have been together for three years. This would be the third Christmas we have been together as a couple.

He normally spends Christmas with his mum and extended family. Last year was a last-minute exception due to the restrictions and concerns about public transport when cases were so high, so we spent it together. He wasn’t very happy about it though.

This year he has made it clear he will be spending Christmas with his family again. They live about three hours away and he doesn’t drive, so he will be gone for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

He doesn’t really get on with his family and has told me mostly unpleasant things about them, including their disapproval of his previous partners.

He has never explicitly invited me to meet his mum or go with him for Christmas. This year, I told him that I felt hurt about the prospect that he was never willingly going to spend Christmas with me. He got frustrated and told me that I knew this, we had already discussed it and didn’t understand why I was bringing it up again. He said that he had an obligation to go. Eventually he said that his mum told me I’m welcome to go but he didn’t actually invite me himself.

Christmas is a difficult time for me as I don’t have any family, so tend to spend it alone. I’d feel awkward about going with him as he obviously doesn’t really want me to, and it doesn’t sound like I’d get a warm welcome anyway.

He’s currently not really speaking to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MeanWeedratStew · 26/09/2021 11:25

I'm joining the chorus of "chuck him". Life's too short to stay with someone who makes you feel shit, especially at Christmas.

Sparkletastic · 26/09/2021 11:27

This really is a big enough deal to end the relationship over. I'm particularly appalled at his bringing your abusive mother into his attempts to defend the indefensible.

TurquoiseDragon · 26/09/2021 11:28

Someone who knows you are hurting about this issue, and is still willing to leave you alone, is a selfish arsehole.

And I agree with other posters that he doesn't see you as a partner, let alonne as potential wife.

I would bet that you're ignoring other acts of selfishness in your day to day life.

I would dump, and do some work on your boundaries before dating someone else, eg Freedom programme, because it's 3 years in, and you are letting him walk over you.

GinIronic · 26/09/2021 11:28

Dump him. He is not a keeper - he is an asshole.

Shoxfordian · 26/09/2021 11:30

He should want to be with you at Christmas and it’s really weird he wouldn’t invite you to go especially as you’re on your own otherwise

Ltb

smallandimperfectlyformed · 26/09/2021 11:34

I'm sorry. What he said to you about your family knowing your sad history is just cruel and abusive. You deserve better and I think being away from him and single is likely to be better than being treated like this.

Notaroadrunner · 26/09/2021 11:34

You don't live together. When I didn't live with bf we'd never spend Christmas together, we'd spend it with family. So that bit, in principle, I can understand. Though with you not having any family at all, that makes it tough.

However he is completely full of shit as he certainly isn't obliged to go home, I doubt they'd write him out of the will if he didn't go, he doesn't seem to even want you there. Have you been to his home house? Maybe it's a complete shit tip and he's embarrassed? Maybe his family are nutjobs and he doesn't want to freak you out by introducing them to you? There's definitely more to it than he's letting on and that is why I'd be inclined to just tell him to sod off and not bother coming back to yours again unless he can tell you the real reason for not wanting you to go.

TimeForTeaAndG · 26/09/2021 11:34

He always does the DARVO thing

So you can never ask him to change anything because he will always play the victim.

Don't try, leave him to his weird family dynamic.

2pinkginsplease · 26/09/2021 11:36

No loving partner would leave their other half to be alone on Christmas day!

This would be a big no no for me in a relationship.

RealBecca · 26/09/2021 11:38

If you arent going to dump him then at least go this christmas. I promise he will fond a reason for you not to go or start a fight before you leave and go alone

I hope that opens your eyes.

Laserbird16 · 26/09/2021 11:39

He can happily spend every Christmas with his family...you should chuck him and find someone who wants you 100 per cent in their life and spend Christmas with them...even if that's a pet.

Honestly what a head fuck. Don't accept this 'I'm sorry you're upset' when he's bringing up your abusive childhood. Nope, you don't need this.

diddl · 26/09/2021 11:41

Leave him!

He's nasty about his family but would still rather be with them & leave you alone.

Horrible.

Mamamia7962 · 26/09/2021 11:43

I would say you want to spend Christmas with his family. Maybe he is embarrassed by them and that is why he doesn't want you to meet them, or maybe there's another reason, but you won't know unless you go with him.

CoralBells · 26/09/2021 11:43

Yanbu at all!

minionsrule · 26/09/2021 11:44

OP are you saying you have NEVER met his family?
I had one like this, it was really only him and his mum, in 6 years I never met her, she lived about 10 minutes away. He said she would be horrible to me as she was with his ex's and 'it wasn't worth the hassle'..... It felt like I wasn't worth the hassle.
Ultimately he was a mummy's boy and I was never put first, ever.
Sounds like yours is different but if you haven't met them by now I don't see the relationship ever moving on.
Depends if that's what you want to settle for

NameChange2PostThis · 26/09/2021 11:45

@Lazul1
At which point he reminded me that I have a mother and a brother. I was in care growing up because my parents abused me. I haven’t seen my mum since I was 16, 15 years ago and my brother and I don’t have any contact. All of this he knows.

I’m so sorry Flowers
This is unforgivable. He is hateful. LTB.

MeanWeedratStew · 26/09/2021 11:48

Hang on, did he actually suggest •your abusive mother• as someone you could spend Christmas with?!

I'm sorry, OP, but he's not "good to you", he's bloody vicious! Decent people do not say things like that. Raise your standards, you deserve better.

Don't make him choose between you and his mum - make the choice for him!

Ninkanink · 26/09/2021 11:49

Well if you’ve been invited by his mother then why don’t you go along this year? That would seem to be the obvious solution for this year at least.

Ninkanink · 26/09/2021 11:50

Oh goodness just read a little further..

He’s not right for you. He isn’t a good man.

Get rid. Flowers

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/09/2021 11:52

He said I could go with him ‘just this once’ (!) but he would be uncomfortable with me being there.
There's no hope of a future here Flowers

Rainbowheart1 · 26/09/2021 11:52

It’s just strange how his so weird about it and don’t want you there…why? Why doesn’t he want you there?

Rainbowheart1 · 26/09/2021 11:53

Why would he be uncomfortable with you there? It’s all strange and something is obviously going on

MitheringMytryl · 26/09/2021 11:57

Get rid of him and find some friends to spend Christmas with. You deserve better.

Callixte · 26/09/2021 11:58

However, it is an ongoing issue that any time I try to talk to him about something that’s upsetting me or I’m finding difficult, he manipulates things in such a way that it becomes my fault. I end up feeling guilty for having needs and feelings.

That's exactly what I was thinking from your original post. OK, people have family obligations and sometimes couples go their separate ways at Christmas. Some people are happy to be alone or don't celebrate Christmas or can easily find something else to do. But he knows you're not happy about the situation. And you're not even "allowed" to discuss your feelings or ask about possible compromises without him sulking and giving you the silent treatment? It's all his way all the time. Not a partnership.

Also, he says he has to go to his mother's every Christmas to stay in the will? That sounds kind of manipulative and dishonest. Is he going to go every year on his own even when he's married with children, until she dies and he cashes in? And why was he unhappy last year, when he had the perfect excuse not to go and to spend Christmas with you?

Why does he say you can go "just this once"? Maybe you'll get on great with his family and he'll have a better time than he does on his own. Or maybe you'll hate it and never agree to go again. Assuming you drive and have or could rent a car, wouldn't that make the travel aspect of his trip easier and the timing more flexible? The two of you could even stay somewhere besides the family house and just visit for the "main events". (And anyway, National Express coach runs all three days).

It's all extremely weird. I'd make him come clean now about what he's hiding, because I would be seriously worried that it's something extremely major.

ShaneTheThird · 26/09/2021 12:00

Op this isn't right sorry you need to decide what you are going to do.

My dp can be an ass but he includes me in his family Christmas every year, except last year when they had a relative there who wanted a fight so I was advised not to go. However he made sure I was able to go to my family else he would have stayed and had just me and him. What your partner is doing isn't ok.

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