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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel hurt that partner spends Christmas without me

175 replies

Lazul1 · 26/09/2021 08:50

Partner and I have been together for three years. This would be the third Christmas we have been together as a couple.

He normally spends Christmas with his mum and extended family. Last year was a last-minute exception due to the restrictions and concerns about public transport when cases were so high, so we spent it together. He wasn’t very happy about it though.

This year he has made it clear he will be spending Christmas with his family again. They live about three hours away and he doesn’t drive, so he will be gone for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

He doesn’t really get on with his family and has told me mostly unpleasant things about them, including their disapproval of his previous partners.

He has never explicitly invited me to meet his mum or go with him for Christmas. This year, I told him that I felt hurt about the prospect that he was never willingly going to spend Christmas with me. He got frustrated and told me that I knew this, we had already discussed it and didn’t understand why I was bringing it up again. He said that he had an obligation to go. Eventually he said that his mum told me I’m welcome to go but he didn’t actually invite me himself.

Christmas is a difficult time for me as I don’t have any family, so tend to spend it alone. I’d feel awkward about going with him as he obviously doesn’t really want me to, and it doesn’t sound like I’d get a warm welcome anyway.

He’s currently not really speaking to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 26/09/2021 12:01

In other respects he is good to me and I do feel prioritised in his life. He tends to go out of his way to make me feel loved and has cancelled things at the drop of a hat if I’ve been unwell or something. However, it is an ongoing issue that any time I try to talk to him about something that’s upsetting me or I’m finding difficult, he manipulates things in such a way that it becomes my fault

Hmm, that doesn’t sound good. That’s what my controlling ex did - couldn’t do enough for me, then when I showed any feelings of my own or questioned or commented even mildly, he’d paint himself as the victim and me as demanding/over-emotional or whatever.

He sounds like an immature man-child. Why would he hide the fact his mum invited you? He doesn’t want you there clearly but why? Something he’s hiding? Something you’ll see - eg he’s the abusive one and his parents are fine? He wants to be babied and doesn’t want you to see?

Dump him, or if you don’t want to do that, I’d be tempted to go to his parents with him and see for yourself. Be wary and don’t trust a word he says.

ShaneTheThird · 26/09/2021 12:04

Sorry op I somehow missed your update. Chuck him immediately...how dare he use your abusive past and tell you to contact your abusive mother! And how dare he tell you he is uncomfortable with you being with his family at Christmas. How will you enjoy your Christmas with him knowing he doesn't want to be there with you?

PrincessNutella · 26/09/2021 12:21

If you aren't together at Christmas after three years, then it is not a real relationship. Especially if you are left alone.

diddl · 26/09/2021 12:22

"He tends to go out of his way to make me feel loved and has cancelled things at the drop of a hat if I’ve been unwell"

That's just a basic given though isn't it?

" However, it is an ongoing issue that any time I try to talk to him about something that’s upsetting me or I’m finding difficult, he manipulates things in such a way that it becomes my fault."

That (imo) negates anything good at all that he might do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/09/2021 12:24

Lazul1
He has a bit of an odd relationship with his mum and a very difficult one with his stepdad, particularly when he was growing up. I’m sympathetic to this of course, but I’m not sure why this has to result in us spending Christmas apart.

It sounds to me that he feels obligated. If he's lovely to you in every other way but Christmas is odd where his family is concerned then it's perhaps that he doesn't want you to think less of him for their behaviour? He just wants to get his duty visit out of the way and back to normal life with you?

I feel sad at Christmas, every single one. Childhood was stressful and sad for me and though I wouldn't tell my Mum how much she impacted me with her depression, homesickness and sadness around Christmas, it's stayed with me and I almost have to take on a heavy acting role to get through it and make it jolly for my own children. Having a husband who is like Santa personified helps.

If you want this relationship to continue then you have nothing to lose really by telling him that not talking to you will not make this go away - but it will make you re-think whether you want him. He needs to explain himself like an adult, not this.

icedcoffees · 26/09/2021 12:24

I think he's hiding something.

Are you sure he doesn't have another partner or children he goes to see?

aConcernedPrude · 26/09/2021 12:32

He said I could go with him ‘just this once’ (!) but he would be uncomfortable with me being there.

Fucking hell, OP. He's rotten Sad

Original poster
Lazul1 · 26/09/2021 12:39

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Lazul1 He has a bit of an odd relationship with his mum and a very difficult one with his stepdad, particularly when he was growing up. I’m sympathetic to this of course, but I’m not sure why this has to result in us spending Christmas apart.

It sounds to me that he feels obligated. If he's lovely to you in every other way but Christmas is odd where his family is concerned then it's perhaps that he doesn't want you to think less of him for their behaviour? He just wants to get his duty visit out of the way and back to normal life with you?

I feel sad at Christmas, every single one. Childhood was stressful and sad for me and though I wouldn't tell my Mum how much she impacted me with her depression, homesickness and sadness around Christmas, it's stayed with me and I almost have to take on a heavy acting role to get through it and make it jolly for my own children. Having a husband who is like Santa personified helps.

If you want this relationship to continue then you have nothing to lose really by telling him that not talking to you will not make this go away - but it will make you re-think whether you want him. He needs to explain himself like an adult, not this.

Thank you. I’m sorry you also struggle with Christmas.

I think his relationship with his mum is quite complicated and she does seem to have a strong hold over him. Apparently his reason for not feeling comfortable with me there is that he feels uncomfortable himself while he’s there. He said he’d want to be supportive of me while I was there but that he wouldn’t be able to because he won’t be on top form.

I try to be understanding of this but I really do want to be in a relationship with someone who I can spend Christmas with. Over the years I’ve tried to convince myself it’s just another day, it doesn’t matter etc but I’ve come to the conclusion that it does. I don’t want to be alone at christmas anymore.

I’m angry at him for what he said about my family. There’s no excuse for it or his half-hearted apology. When he knows he’s being unreasonable he lashes out and tries to flip everything around. He becomes a different person. I’ve told him that I’ve had enough of it and that a relationship cannot survive on these terms.

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 26/09/2021 12:39

Honestly, from the pov of someone much older and seeing you are 31, I would honestly let this one go. Leaving you alone altogether at Christmas is just awful. You are so young that I wouldn't advise tying yourself to someone like this, especially if you would like to have a family.

Amiwronghere · 26/09/2021 12:43

Have you met his mum @Lazul1?

timeisnotaline · 26/09/2021 12:43

At which point he reminded me that I have a mother and a brother. I was in care growing up because my parents abused me. I haven’t seen my mum since I was 16, 15 years ago and my brother and I don’t have any contact. All of this he knows.

I was obviously upset by that, so he said ‘sorry if I upset you’ and then started going on about how I’m now going to use this as another way of making him feel bad. He always does the DARVO thing.

There’s no happy future with this guy.

Original poster
Lazul1 · 26/09/2021 12:47

@Amiwronghere

Have you met his mum *@Lazul1*?
No.
OP posts:
Icecreamsoda99 · 26/09/2021 12:48

After three years I would expect to be part of the family, have you discussed your future as a couple together?

In all honesty OP if you haven't got family of your own wouldn't you rather be with someone who will adopt you into theirs rather than keeping you at arms length from them?

I think it's fine he wants to spend Christmas with his family if he is close to them (though it sounds like he might not be) but he should be taken you with him after a three year relationship!

Tillysfad · 26/09/2021 12:50

nink how is it a solution to go somewhere you've been grudgingly told you can go just this once? Surely only a five year old would think it's an option to actually go.

Teacupsandtoast · 26/09/2021 12:51

The fact you've been together 3 years and never met his mother is indicative of a bigger problem, regardless of how nice he is the rest of the time

Ninkanink · 26/09/2021 12:55

@Tillysfad

nink how is it a solution to go somewhere you've been grudgingly told you can go just this once? Surely only a five year old would think it's an option to actually go.
See my next comment...

My first one was made in good faith - for example if the guy was decent and his family is a dysfunctional shit show, he might in fact say yes let’s go together this once because you really want to, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable subjecting you to it more often than that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/09/2021 12:57

Lazul1 from your last post and, from your others, give yourself a Christmas present and break up with this man. You can have a happy future with someone who is happy for your involvement in his life and that of his family.

Make this the last Christmas that you would need to ask other people about your relationship. No more discussion with him, you don't need this. Thanks

lunar1 · 26/09/2021 12:58

My husband had someone working locum with him from abroad a few years ago over Christmas. He rang me part way through Christmas morning to let me know when he'd be home and ask if we'd got room for one more.

Of course we made room for him, it's not the first or last time we've had someone extra for Christmas dinner!

That's someone that DH had known for a week or so. But who's family weren't in this country.

What kind of asshole let's his partner spend Christmas alone! You deserve so much better.

SummerintheCity2021 · 26/09/2021 13:29

How old are you both op? Lots of us feel obliged to spend Christmas with family but when you couple up it’s normal to spend it together.

whynotwhatknot · 26/09/2021 13:37

i doubt youre the onoly person hes seeing o0p-youve never met his mum why do you think that is

its not normal not to meet ppartners parents after 3 years unless theyre living aborad etc

Sparklybanana · 26/09/2021 13:54

I would ask to meet his family before Xmas so it's no longer a weird thing. If not then It sounds like he's embarrassed by his family or embarrassed by you perhaps? How old are you both? If he's leaving you alone at Xmas then that's not acceptable for a long term relationship. For context, I met my oh in November when we were still young enough to spend Xmas at parents. He spent Xmas morning with me and then travelled back to his parents for lunch. Since then we've always been together and have taken it in turns to visit parents and when we had the space, invited both parent sets to ours for a joint Xmas. No one has been left out. If this man loves you then you at least deserve a better explanation. He needs to grow up.

Getyourownback · 26/09/2021 14:03

Don’t fight for this man to spend time for you. He’s really not worth it.

What he threw at you about your mother and brother whole knowing you had an abusive childhood, is appalling. Begrudgingly saying you might be able go ‘just this once’ is depressing. And for him to happily leave you to be entirely alone over Christmas is beyond selfish. It’s also weird that you’ve not met his family in three years.

If you were my friend or sister, I’d breach protocol and urge you to leave him.

CharlotteRose90 · 26/09/2021 15:09

He’s hiding something for sure. With my ex we spent Christmas apart as both of us had traditions and needed to be with our family but in his case I’d met his family and friends etc. I think it’s fine that he wants to spend it with his family especially as he couldn’t last year but the way he’s spoken to you about it is wrong

billy1966 · 26/09/2021 15:28

OP,

He is a nasty piece of work and you have wasted enough time with him.

You recognise DARVO in the relationship but continue on.

You can NEVER win with this type of man.

He is a liar and emotionally abusive.

Thank god he doesn't live with you.

Does he spend most of his time at yours?

Stompythedinosaur · 26/09/2021 15:38

This isn't about Christmas, it is about him not caring about your feelings.