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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel hurt that partner spends Christmas without me

175 replies

Lazul1 · 26/09/2021 08:50

Partner and I have been together for three years. This would be the third Christmas we have been together as a couple.

He normally spends Christmas with his mum and extended family. Last year was a last-minute exception due to the restrictions and concerns about public transport when cases were so high, so we spent it together. He wasn’t very happy about it though.

This year he has made it clear he will be spending Christmas with his family again. They live about three hours away and he doesn’t drive, so he will be gone for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

He doesn’t really get on with his family and has told me mostly unpleasant things about them, including their disapproval of his previous partners.

He has never explicitly invited me to meet his mum or go with him for Christmas. This year, I told him that I felt hurt about the prospect that he was never willingly going to spend Christmas with me. He got frustrated and told me that I knew this, we had already discussed it and didn’t understand why I was bringing it up again. He said that he had an obligation to go. Eventually he said that his mum told me I’m welcome to go but he didn’t actually invite me himself.

Christmas is a difficult time for me as I don’t have any family, so tend to spend it alone. I’d feel awkward about going with him as he obviously doesn’t really want me to, and it doesn’t sound like I’d get a warm welcome anyway.

He’s currently not really speaking to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Brindisi32 · 26/09/2021 19:00

to delay

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 26/09/2021 19:01

Time with his family is ‘precious’…..but clearly time with you is not. If time with his family is so precious, how come he doesn’t see them more often?

Added to this, the fact that he can’t drive would put me off. To pinch someone else’s line, throw this one back in the sea.

Mindyourbusiness22 · 26/09/2021 20:28

@Lazul1 as rubbish as a breakup is you will look back on this and think TF this happened, as it won’t get better he is clearly set in his ways and views.

You’ll meet someone else when you’re ready and you know what you want, don’t ever settle for less, no matter how good they are in other ways.

thing47 · 26/09/2021 22:47

Yeah, sorry but he's not that into you.

Anyone who routinely and repeatedly puts their family (particularly one they're not even that keen on) ahead of their partner isn't ready to be in a serious committed relationship.

Of course people can't always be with their loved ones at Christmas, for work or other reasons, but that is quite different from actively choosing not to be.

Ditch this loser, OP.

Porcupineintherough · 26/09/2021 23:04

He has issues. The Christmas thing is surmountable, the inability to disagree or advocate for his opinion respectfully, not so much.

disco123 · 26/09/2021 23:13

He's a total twat who doesn't care about your feelings at all and doesn't have the emotional sensitivity to see things from your perspective. Your life with him would be miserable.

Please don't let him back in.

RipleyBelieves · 27/09/2021 07:14

What an absolute bastard he sounds.

I'm so sorry that he has said and done these things to you. That is not how a person should be treated by anyone, let alone someone who they are supposed to be sharing their life with.

He is probably going to try and reel you back in. Remember that whatever happens in the next few days and weeks there is always someone here on Mumsnet for you to talk to.

maddening · 27/09/2021 07:28

Look, you have survived an abusive childhood, this guy does not sound mentally stable or is himself abusive from what you have written. You need to decide that it is over, even if he changes his warped mind. Whatever the driver for him you need to protect yourself, as a survivor of abuse it is easier for it to happen again, I would suggest counselling to build yourself and your boundaries back up.

HollowTalk · 27/09/2021 07:35

This man sounds absolutely awful! I wouldn't want a future with him. I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with him and I wouldn't want him to move in with me. His family is weird and he is weird.

Imnothereforthedrama · 27/09/2021 07:56

Anyone who treats you 2nd best is no partner. It’s weird that he wants to spend Christmas without you even though his mum said you can come . The fact that he knows your on your own but still refuses to spend it with you but now makes out he’s invited you . Get rid devastated now op but in the long run you’ll be glad you’ve ended it with this selfish man child .

MyOtherProfile · 27/09/2021 08:00

Wow.
So when you say he's packed and gone is that just because he's gone to work or has he gone gone?

CandidaAlbicans2 · 27/09/2021 08:24

It sounds as though he has a messed up family dynamic if he feels "obliged" to go there for Xmas, which may account for him not wanting you there. Maybe he's ashamed of them so wants to keep you separate. However, that's not to say you have to put up with it, and being with a partner who lacks good communication skills is soul destroying too. Unless he really wants to improve these issues you're on a hiding to nothing I'm afraid.

Original poster

Lazul1 · 27/09/2021 08:49

@MyOtherProfile gone as in, walked out and not coming back. Although I think he’ll try to, based on past experience.

I think his family dynamic has really messed him up. It’s like he can’t see straight when it comes to them. When he told me about his brother and how her mum doesn’t see him as a son my jaw dropped open, but he said it like it was a normal thing. In our time together there’s been so many WTF moments.

It occurred to me this morning that as well as never meeting his family, I’ve never met any of his friends. I don’t know if he’s ashamed of me for some reason or if there is indeed something he doesn’t want me to know.

OP posts:

notanothertakeaway · 27/09/2021 08:51

Don't be devastated OP

Cry today, get it out of your system, and then start looking forward to your new, happier, life

DollyPartBaked · 27/09/2021 09:03

@Lazul1i have read all your updates but not the entire thread but I just wanted to say (and no doubt echo a lot of other people), this man is terrible. And you sound really nice and also smart - sometimes after an argument its so easy to end up confused but you are able to see him deflecting / diverting attention as he tries to gaslight you. Thank goodness you don't live together!

You will be so much better without him.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 27/09/2021 09:05

Oh OP, you sound lovely - if I knew you in real life you'd be at my house for Christmas. And you also sound like you've got your head properly screwed on - you can see the emotionally manipulative/abusive tactics he uses uses on you and you're self-aware enough to understand the impact it's had on you and your relationship.

As other people have said, he's a loser and a terrible 'partner'. He may be messed up from a weird family dynamic, but that doesn't give him an excuse for his awful treatment of you. You deserve so, so much better. You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you - please don't waste another second on this man.
A partner should be proud of you and excited to introduce you to his friends and want to include you in his life. Don't let this guy suck you back in - there are bigger and much better things out there for you, but only if you ditch the dead-weight first.

lazylinguist · 27/09/2021 09:14

Even if there's something weird about his relationship with his family, that's absolutely no excuse for treating you the way he does. If he'd kindly explained to you how uncomfortable he feels with his family, and said he'd split Christmas between spending it with you and them, that would be one thing. But he's not prepared to budge an inch, and showed a breathtaking and cruel lack of empathy about your family history. You'd think he'd be more understanding... if it's actually true what he says about his difficulties with his own family.

TheNoodlesIncident · 27/09/2021 09:55

He sounds despicable. No doubt he has his moments where he presents as an okay person, but he really isn't underneath and I'm so glad you can see that. Don't let him back into your life, you are much better off without him.

Agree with PP, you sound lovely. I seriously doubt there's anything shameful about you, it will be all about him for sure. You deserve far better than this.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 27/09/2021 10:13

OP you sound like a lovely person and this man is treating you terribly! I know you're probably feeling awful right now but honestly it doesn't sound like the relationship was ever going to give you what you deserve.
Three years together and you've never met his friends or family but he wanted to live together? Would he still have buggered off and left you alone over christmas if you did?
The comments he made about your family are just awful and spiteful.
Do you have any friends that you can reach out to about christmas? Honestly if I thought for a minute a friend of mine was spending christmas alone I wouldn't hesitate to include them in our celebrations.

Original poster

Lazul1 · 27/09/2021 10:27

When I told him the comments he made about my family were unacceptable, he said ‘Comment. Not comments. It was one comment. Why did you say commentS?’ etc. This is a typical style of arguing for him. When we were talking about Christmas I said that I was upset that my partner didn’t want to spend Christmas with me. He went on and on about how I should have said ‘I FEEL like you don’t want to spend Christmas with me’, instead of responding to the actual issue. I used to argue back but realised it was futile so I’d just shut down, or sometimes even cry.

It’s so hard to put his tactics into words. He would jump around from thing to thing so I’d forget what I was saying, or I’d forget what he was saying. Then he’d sometimes say ‘so what did I just say?’ and I’d struggle to recall, which was evidence of my inability to remember things properly apparently.

The thing is, I’m aware of how fucked up it is. I’ve done the freedom programme. I guess I just didn’t want to address it because I feel I’m in a good place in my life and was afraid of rocking the boat, so to speak. I guess I’ve just been trying to survive. I have to try to trust I can survive without him now.

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/09/2021 10:29

Do you live together?

If not, so sorry but I don’t think he’s spending it with his mum and extended family, I think he’s spending it with his wife and children.

Original poster

Lazul1 · 27/09/2021 10:31

And because I do truly love and care about him, but I know that’s not enough of a reason to stay together.

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 27/09/2021 10:38

@Lazul1

And because I do truly love and care about him, but I know that’s not enough of a reason to stay together.

I'm glad you see this, because this man really is not a nice person, and is actually a huge negative in your life. Even though you will miss him, initially, your life will be healthier and happier without him in it constantly turning your thoughts and emotions inside out.

If he has keys to your home, change your locks and do not let him back into your home or into your social media or into your head. At some point you will heal (I'm not saying it will be easy) and he'll be out of your heart too.

He really doesn't deserve you at all. Strength to you, OP. 🌹

billy1966 · 27/09/2021 10:44

OP,
Please do not go back to this awful man.

He is so bad for you.

Ninkanink · 27/09/2021 10:44

I guess I’ve just been trying to survive. I have to try to trust I can survive without him now.

Yes @Lazul1 you absolutely can. Take the first step, and then the next, and you’ll find the strength you need.

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