I feel hurt that partner spends Christmas without me

[Lazul1]

Partner and I have been together for three years. This would be the third Christmas we have been together as a couple.

He normally spends Christmas with his mum and extended family. Last year was a last-minute exception due to the restrictions and concerns about public transport when cases were so high, so we spent it together. He wasn’t very happy about it though.

This year he has made it clear he will be spending Christmas with his family again. They live about three hours away and he doesn’t drive, so he will be gone for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

He doesn’t really get on with his family and has told me mostly unpleasant things about them, including their disapproval of his previous partners.

He has never explicitly invited me to meet his mum or go with him for Christmas. This year, I told him that I felt hurt about the prospect that he was never willingly going to spend Christmas with me. He got frustrated and told me that I knew this, we had already discussed it and didn’t understand why I was bringing it up again. He said that he had an obligation to go. Eventually he said that his mum told me I’m welcome to go but he didn’t actually invite me himself.

Christmas is a difficult time for me as I don’t have any family, so tend to spend it alone. I’d feel awkward about going with him as he obviously doesn’t really want me to, and it doesn’t sound like I’d get a warm welcome anyway.

He’s currently not really speaking to me.

AIBU?

Well, he’s packed his things and left. He apologised again for the comment about my family but a few minutes later said he didn’t see what the problem was as he was merely stating a fact. He said that he’s his mum’s only son so she needs him there. I pointed out that he isn’t as he a brother (who was given up for adoption), but he said his mum doesn’t see him as a son even though they have been in each other’s lives again for the past decade or so. I’m not sure if this is my partner’s take on it or hers, but either way it’s quite a shocking statement. Perhaps I have been naive thinking I could ever have been a part of his family.

I told him I wanted to be able to spend Christmas with my partner and tried again to explain how difficult it was for me. He likened my situation to the ‘thousands of people across the world who can’t be with their families at Christmas’. I said that there’s a big difference between that and my situation, at which point he asked why I would want to separate him from his. He said ‘I’ve invited you and you don’t want to come’ and couldn’t/didn’t want to grasp why I was unable to accept his begrudging ‘invitation’. He said he’d tried his best and failed, and doesn’t want to hurt me anymore.

I’m devastated because I really do love him, but I know I can’t carry on like this realistically.

You deserve to be treated better than that. You shouldn't have to put up with it.

Whatever the relationship with his dm, it is not normal at all to leave your dp alone on Christmas day every year when they are not in agreement with it.

Good riddance to him. This relationship is a dead end and I hope you value yourself more than to waste another day on this selfish man.

If he's willing to break up with you over this then he's really not worth any more of your time. And if he comes crawling back then please recognise that it is abusive to threaten a break up over your 'bad behaviour'. It's a way of trying to make sure you're too scared to speak out again in future for fear that you'll lose him and it's unacceptable.

Either way, it seems like you're well rid of him. Try to focus on the fact that you're now free to meet someone who will make you their priority and want to spend Christmas with you.

Have you had any counselling about your past? Apparently if you've suffered abuse as a child you're more likely to enter into an abusive relationship as an adult as it feels familiar. It might be that you need help to recognise that before entering into a new relationship

I pointed out that he isn’t as he a brother (who was given up for adoption), but he said his mum doesn’t see him as a son even though they have been in each other’s lives again for the past decade or so.
They all sound incredibly emotionally stunted, tbh. You're better off out of it.

I am sorry it's over as I know it hurts but I stand by my earlier point that you deserve better. I hope that he leaves you free to move on and in time you find someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve.

I was all for respect his wishes, until I read you spend it alone! Totally not okay. If you want to spend it alone cool, but you clearly don’t, I hate the thought of people alone at any time of the year but especially Christmas, unless that’s what they want.

If this was me I’d be hurt. I’d be considering my future with him, is it always going to be this way? And I’d also book myself a good activity holiday, snowboarding probably, or a week or two in the sun. You always meet other lone travellers too 😄

I'm sure it feels almost unbearably painful right now but everything you've written screams to me that this is for the best. You deserve to be loved and cherished in a way that you weren't as a child. He doesn't sound up to that at all and your experience means you've put up with it until now. You absolutely deserve better.

He sounds so utterly shit it's hard to know what you might love about him!

Sorry that you're in this situation OP . I agree with previous PPs though who said he's hiding something, either you're the OW, or he has a secret child, or there's something that you'd discover that he doesn't want you to know if you met his family. His attitude and reaction to this has been totally over the top, and makes it appear he's been cornered.

My partner and I do Xmas on a rota. One year at his mum's. One year at his dad's. One year at my parents. One year at home (no guests), one year I host (my parents, his parents and their partners).
This works nicely for us as we all know what we are doing each year

He wasn’t very happy about it though.
He couldn't even put positive spin on spending Xmas with you instead? Pretend to be content with you? Charming ...

He has never explicitly invited me to meet his mum or go with him for Christmas.
Eventually he said that his mum told me I’m welcome to go but he didn’t actually invite me himself.
In 3 years?
So ... his mum did invite you, but he didn't pass that on?
He doesn't want you to meet his mum.
He's either not that into you, OR he's bullshitting you, OR he's protecting you -

He doesn’t really get on with his family and has told me mostly unpleasant things about them, including their disapproval of his previous partners.
Er ... doesn't really get on with them but He said that he had an obligation to go?
Again - either bullshitting, or he really does have a dreadful family, & doesn't know how to say 'no' to them. Or at least - not a 'no' that involves seeing you for Xmas instead of them.

He got frustrated and told me that I knew this, we had already discussed it and didn’t understand why I was bringing it up again.
Well he doesn't seem to have been able to explain it well, so no wonder you are confused & want to clarify. But he just gets petulant & shuts you down. He's not a great communicator, is he?

He’s currently not really speaking to me.
Great. A poorly communicating man with acknowledged family enmeshment issues acts petulant, shuts you down, & as that's not enough punishment yet, is now stonewalling you.

Christmas is the very least of your worries with this one.
Why don't you chuck him back in the sea?
Meeting his family won't make him treat you any better - you'll just get sucked into their dysfunctional dynamic, & made even unhappier.

There are plenty of decent guys out there who don't carry this much baggage, or punish you for trying to understand it. He doesn't want to move this relationship forward with you OP ... & really, hard as it might feel, you would be so much better off without deliberately exposing yourself to forever feeling like he obviously doesn’t really want me to, and it doesn’t sound like I’d get a warm welcome anyway.

It's no way to live. Start planning a brilliant Xmas, just for you solo, & any functional, reasonable chums who want to join you.

Sounds like there’s rather more to this…..
At any event, he was happy to head off , knowing you’d be on your own for 3 days over Christmas. Unbelievable.
It’s hard, but you’re better off without someone like that in your life.

hmm, think there's definitely more to this than he's letting on. Either way, as hard as it must be right now, definitely better off out of it.

Thank you @ChargingBuck. Your post helped give me some clarity. He runs rings around me in these arguments to the point I don’t know what’s even going on anymore.

After saying he didn’t want to go because it’s so difficult, he later said that time with his family is ‘precious’ and ‘why would you want to take that away from me?’

My brain is scrambled every time.

Oh and another classic tactic of his - denying he ever said something or that something ever happened. Then confirming it happened, briefly. Then going back to denying it with added attempts to divert the attention onto things like my choice of words, tone or timing, or something completely unrelated to what we have been discussing.

So they're expecting this bellend to turn up with his partner - " Eventually he said that his mum told me I’m welcome to go but he didn’t actually invite me himself - but he doesn't bring you?

They must think he's a weirdo as well.

Just tell him that clearly he is embarrassed by you and perhaps he should go and seek a partner who clearly meets the standards required to be seen in public with.

"but he would be uncomfortable with me being there."

This is really weird. If he's so committed to spending Christmas with his family then fine, OK, but take you along.

My DH insisted on a 'just us' Christmas once and frankly I found it really dull, sitting in a silent home and eating a fairly run of the mill roast dinner, with just one person who actually doesn't like Christmas at all, or...well, conversation, when instead I could have been at my family's home meeting everyone and having loads to chat about and music and pretty colours and lights and having a lovely time. Since then, we've always gone to my family's - together!

Him refusing to even take you is just plain weird.

Eh, no. Three years in and he’d rather you spend 3 days on your own at Xmas rather than be with him? Walk away - definitely. This isn’t love.

OP,

Kindly, but what on earth is the appeal of this liar who runs rings around you and has your completely confused?

Is this really the life you want?

With someone who cares so little for you and would see you on your own at Christmas?

He is awful.

You need to figure out why the hell your relationship bar is so low, before you go into another relationship.

You sound like a nice woman who deserves so much better than this selfish waster.

You will be better off alone than with someone like this. Join some groups to broaden your social life and see how things go.

@Lazul1

Oh and another classic tactic of his - denying he ever said something or that something ever happened. Then confirming it happened, briefly. Then going back to denying it with added attempts to divert the attention onto things like my choice of words, tone or timing, or something completely unrelated to what we have been discussing.

Oh fucking hell Lazul.

He's a gaslighting twat, please run like the wind, pausing only to order this on your way - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Get him out of your life, he will bring you nothing but misery, confusion, & the gradual erosion of all your confidence & personality.

I hope he is not at yours tonight. If he is not, relax into that wonderful feeling you get when you are not trying to second-guess a liar, & wondering what fresh hell his words are going to be bringing you. Now imagine living like that for the rest of your life. This man is bad, bad news.

Be strong. In a few days, you will start to feel the courage of your convictions again, & realise how hard he's been headfucking you.
The book will give you a lot of education & support about these types of Angry & Controlling Men - but don't fall into the trap of trying to work out why he is how he is with any view of re-involving yourself with him.

This level of personality dysfunction needs the same advice as that given to family & friends dealing with the fallout of a loved one's alcoholism - you did not cause it, you cannot control it, & you cannot cure it.

I hope the book gives you the reassurance that it's not you - it is definitely your man - & that the only "reason" you need to hold onto for breaking up with him is because he is a cruel bullshitter. You don't need his permission or agreement to finish with him either - do NOT get sucked into that painful merry-go-round.

Good luck Lazul, you are going to feel so much freer & more secure in yourself when he is gone xx

You’ve never met his mum in three years? He’s done you a favour @Lazul1. Do yourself one if he tries crawling back and don’t even think about it.

You may also want to think about doing this course Lazul.

You can even do it online, for I think a very few quid.
Don't be put off by the headline "domestic violence" - abuse doesn't have to be physical to be abuse, & in fact emotional abuse can be even more damaging.

It would be great to put some of the energy you've been expending on this emotional vampire into yourself. Doing the course after splitting with Mr Bullshit would put your focus back where it needs to be - on yourself - & help you with re-building self esteem & managing your own boundaries.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

&, when you feel up to it! - here is another golden resource about boundaries, & how to spot potential abusers.
The scenario used for the metaphor is illustrating how a sexual predator operates, but you can extrapolate from that onto your own situation: in your case, your man is an emotional predator who deliberately undermines & exploits your boundaries with his -
He runs rings around me in these arguments to the point I don’t know what’s even going on anymore.

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

No more, OP! Live your life for you, not this horrible manipulator.

@Lazul1

Oh and another classic tactic of his - denying he ever said something or that something ever happened. Then confirming it happened, briefly. Then going back to denying it with added attempts to divert the attention onto things like my choice of words, tone or timing, or something completely unrelated to what we have been discussing.

🤢 oh no, this type of comms problem doesn’t go away and it’s probably part of his family dynamics. They run the gamut of techniques to silence, guilt trip, and shame you into getting what they want. At its worst it can make you lose your judgment and piece of mind. I’m sorry he’s minimised your feelings of loneliness at Christmas. This sounds like incredibly hard work and I think you’ve been wise not to delay moving in together.