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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel hurt that partner spends Christmas without me

175 replies

Lazul1 · 26/09/2021 08:50

Partner and I have been together for three years. This would be the third Christmas we have been together as a couple.

He normally spends Christmas with his mum and extended family. Last year was a last-minute exception due to the restrictions and concerns about public transport when cases were so high, so we spent it together. He wasn’t very happy about it though.

This year he has made it clear he will be spending Christmas with his family again. They live about three hours away and he doesn’t drive, so he will be gone for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

He doesn’t really get on with his family and has told me mostly unpleasant things about them, including their disapproval of his previous partners.

He has never explicitly invited me to meet his mum or go with him for Christmas. This year, I told him that I felt hurt about the prospect that he was never willingly going to spend Christmas with me. He got frustrated and told me that I knew this, we had already discussed it and didn’t understand why I was bringing it up again. He said that he had an obligation to go. Eventually he said that his mum told me I’m welcome to go but he didn’t actually invite me himself.

Christmas is a difficult time for me as I don’t have any family, so tend to spend it alone. I’d feel awkward about going with him as he obviously doesn’t really want me to, and it doesn’t sound like I’d get a warm welcome anyway.

He’s currently not really speaking to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
spotcheck · 26/09/2021 09:19

So,
He doesn't make room or time for you at Christmas, even thought you are alone?
There's no compromise
And if you try to talk about it, he'll give you the silent treatment.

He's not yet fully formed emotionally.

spotcheck · 26/09/2021 09:20

Go with him, meet the family and see what they're like and then decide if this relationship is going to continue. They might welcome you with open arms

It doesn't matter if the family are welcoming. The OP's boyfriend is still treating her poorly

SturminsterNewton · 26/09/2021 09:30

When you say "partner" are you actually living together? If not, it's not unreasonable that he goes to his family as maybe he doesn't see the relationship/future as as you do.

If you are living together though, he's being weird about it.

Workinghardeveryday · 26/09/2021 09:33

@Lazul1
Something is not right here.

His mum invited you but he is happy for you to have Christmas alone. My guess is if you were to go you would find something out he does NOT want you to know. I am thinking ex and he has a child possibly? That would explain why he wants to go, so he can see the child he never sees.

There HAS to be more to this than you think. If it was me I would be doing some serious digging. I would also definitely be going with him and finding out why he is so unhappy for you to go there.

If he is usually a lovely dp and he is behaving this way something is very off here....

PerseverancePays · 26/09/2021 09:38

This is a partner who’s emotional intelligence is so low you will have a lifetime of misery with him. There may be very valid reasons why your bar is so low that you accepted this man as your partner.
I would advise you to read up on self worth and do some assertiveness training, and raise your bar massively. You deserve a much nicer partner than this one!
Please don’t settle, he won’t improve and he may get worse.

rainbowstardrops · 26/09/2021 09:39

He'd rather you sit alone all Christmas instead of inviting you along too??? Something doesn't add up here. Also, have you experienced for yourself that his family aren't very nice or are you just going on his say so?
I wouldn't be happy with this.

QueeniesCroft · 26/09/2021 09:51

When I was young and dating, I put up with a lot of this kind of shit. I felt a lot of pressure to be nice and accommodating and "a good girlfriend". I saw it a lot in my friends too. All of us were walked over and ( mostly) eventually dumped.

Now, I'm old enough to consider grumpiness a normal default state, and I wouldn't put up with this nonsense at all. You are wasting your time with this man. He is sending you a clear message about your place in his life and you are letting him. It actually doesn't matter if his family are lovely or absolute demons. What matter here is him- he is willing to leave you alone at Christmas in order to go somewhere he doesn't want to and doesn't need to and to (apparently) have no fun at all. Either he is a liar and he is hiding something major from you, or he is just a common or garden twat.

Don't waste too much more time on him, I doubt he is worth it. Write him off as an interesting dating story and move on.

Cryalot2 · 26/09/2021 09:59

Am with the others here. Something not right. Why would he want to leave you alone for several days especially at Christmas. If he loved you he would be wanting to spend his time with you.
Is he from a religious background?

No one speaking to you is just childish.
What is the rest of the relationship like?

Couchbettato · 26/09/2021 10:01

This story is giving me real de ja vu vibes.

Op have you posted about this before or are there just a lot of really inconsiderate men about?

Either way, I'm sorry for you. This isn't a partnership at all. He sounds controlling.

PuppyMonkey · 26/09/2021 10:04

Dump him?

Lindy2 · 26/09/2021 10:05

DH and I used to spend Christmas with our own families until we were married so an unmarried couple without children being at separate places for Christmas wouldn't feel that unusual to me.

However, him going and leaving you alone is absolutely awful! You should have been invited and going with him right from your first Christmas together. What decent person leaves a partner they are supposed to care about alone at Christmas when they could just as easily be together.

I'm sorry OP but this isn't the type of behaviour of a good partner or a good relationship.

ufucoffee · 26/09/2021 10:07

He's horrible. Dump him now then you won't need to buy him a Christmas present

Chloemol · 26/09/2021 10:09

Sorry op by him being prepared to leave you in your own for three days sums up that he doesn’t care about you

And say you have kids, will he still expect to go n his own

It’s also telling his mother has invited you but he hasn’t passed that invite on

I would be letting him go, but telling him to take all his stuff and stay there for ever

girlmom21 · 26/09/2021 10:09

I can't believe it's been 3 years and you haven't met his family...

GetOffTheTableMabel · 26/09/2021 10:35

This isn’t what a partnership looks like.
This isn’t what love looks like.
Please know that you are worth more than this.

2bazookas · 26/09/2021 10:52

Maybe you need to think hard about that word "partner". You and he clearly have a different idea of what your relationship IS right now, and where it's going in future.

It sounds as if he sees you as a flat-mate with benefits in shared living accommodation . A temporary arrangement with no longterm personal commitment. That's why there's no real emotional involvement with your feelings, and why he has no interest in introducing you to his family.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 26/09/2021 11:01

If he loved you he wouldn't be leaving you alone at Christmas.
I think he's either

  1. Embarrassed by his family/ their home and thinks you'll judge them.
Or
  1. He's embarrassed by you and knows they'll judge you- and him- for his choice of partner.
Get rid OP.
Noshowwithoutpunch · 26/09/2021 11:01
  1. He's hiding something and knows if you go that you'll find out.
BlueSussex · 26/09/2021 11:08

Dump.

HuhWhatNow · 26/09/2021 11:09

A half decent partner human being would be absolutely horrified at the thought of someone being all alone on Christmas, especially someone they're in a relationship with.

The fact that he is continuing going to his parents even though he doesn't get on with his family at all, using the reason that it's "what he's always done" makes me think he's not just unthinking and selfish, but he's also immature.

The ick would set in for sure. I hope by Christmas 2022 you have a decent partner to spend it with.

MargosKaftan · 26/09/2021 11:17

He is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. After 3 years he doesn't see you as his partner enough to share big celebrations like Christmas with. He doesn't like spending Christmas with his family but won't be adult enough to say "I'm not going to make it this year".

Just end it now. You will probably be on your own this Christmas, but by next you could be with someone who actually likes you.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 26/09/2021 11:18

I'd actually ghost him.
It's all he deserves.

30mph · 26/09/2021 11:22

Throw this one back.

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/09/2021 11:23

@Noshowwithoutpunch

3. He's hiding something and knows if you go that you'll find out.
Definitely this.
Original poster
Lazul1 · 26/09/2021 11:24

Thanks. No, I haven’t posted about this before. I did search for this and found a few similar threads but I think they all involved children whereas we don’t have any.

We don’t live together but are together 6-7 days a week. I think he would like to properly live together but I’m a bit nervous about having him formally move in from previous bad experience and also the communication difficulties we seem to have.

After I posted this we did have another conversation about it but it’s like banging my head against a wall. He said I have ‘no right’ to make him choose between him and his mum (I’m obviously not, I just asked if he could maybe see her before or after Christmas so we can spend it together). He says he will burn bridges with the family and will get written out of the will it he doesn’t go. He said I could go with him ‘just this once’ (!) but he would be uncomfortable with me being there. He thinks i’m being unreasonable and said he thought I’d be more understanding of his family situation. I said I thought he’d be more understanding of mine. At which point he reminded me that I have a mother and a brother. I was in care growing up because my parents abused me. I haven’t seen my mum since I was 16, 15 years ago and my brother and I don’t have any contact. All of this he knows.

I was obviously upset by that, so he said ‘sorry if I upset you’ and then started going on about how I’m now going to use this as another way of making him feel bad. He always does the DARVO thing.

He said he would speak to his mum about spending Christmas with me instead. I’m not happy it has reached this point for him to consider this, so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with it.

In other respects he is good to me and I do feel prioritised in his life. He tends to go out of his way to make me feel loved and has cancelled things at the drop of a hat if I’ve been unwell or something. However, it is an ongoing issue that any time I try to talk to him about something that’s upsetting me or I’m finding difficult, he manipulates things in such a way that it becomes my fault. I end up feeling guilty for having needs and feelings.

He has a bit of an odd relationship with his mum and a very difficult one with his stepdad, particularly when he was growing up. I’m sympathetic to this of course, but I’m not sure why this has to result in us spending Christmas apart.

OP posts:
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