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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel hurt that partner spends Christmas without me

175 replies

Lazul1 · 26/09/2021 08:50

Partner and I have been together for three years. This would be the third Christmas we have been together as a couple.

He normally spends Christmas with his mum and extended family. Last year was a last-minute exception due to the restrictions and concerns about public transport when cases were so high, so we spent it together. He wasn’t very happy about it though.

This year he has made it clear he will be spending Christmas with his family again. They live about three hours away and he doesn’t drive, so he will be gone for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

He doesn’t really get on with his family and has told me mostly unpleasant things about them, including their disapproval of his previous partners.

He has never explicitly invited me to meet his mum or go with him for Christmas. This year, I told him that I felt hurt about the prospect that he was never willingly going to spend Christmas with me. He got frustrated and told me that I knew this, we had already discussed it and didn’t understand why I was bringing it up again. He said that he had an obligation to go. Eventually he said that his mum told me I’m welcome to go but he didn’t actually invite me himself.

Christmas is a difficult time for me as I don’t have any family, so tend to spend it alone. I’d feel awkward about going with him as he obviously doesn’t really want me to, and it doesn’t sound like I’d get a warm welcome anyway.

He’s currently not really speaking to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

GiantHaystacks2021 · 27/09/2021 10:48

He's an awful prick, isn't he?

Balonzette · 27/09/2021 10:55

He's showing you how much you mean to him. Which apparently isn't very much. Listen to him. And then leave him.

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 11:04

gone as in, walked out and not coming back. Although I think he’ll try to, based on past experience.

It's all part of The Script, but you are already ahead because you recognise the pattern. He will try to 'Hoover' you back in -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Stay strong xx

noirchatsdeux · 27/09/2021 11:04

@SallyOMalley I did the same thing - between the ages of 25 to 30 I spent every Christmas alone...because my then boyfriend wouldn't tell his parents/family we were even dating! We were together that whole time, like you I have no family in the UK ...even worse we were all living in the same small town!

Looking back I have no idea why I put up with it, my self esteem was obviously in the toilet. Even after he ruined Millennium Eve (sulked because I wanted to get out of the pouring rain at 2am and go home...he ended up urinating on my front door) I stupidly married him the next year. We should have split up instead. Like the OP's boyfriend, he was utterly selfish. I ended up wasting 15 years on him, before I saw sense and got out.

LindaEllen · 27/09/2021 11:05

Me and my partner spend Christmas with our respective families, but to be fair they live close together so we still wake up together and go to bed together on the day.

AND. I'm always welcome at his family's, and he's always welcome at mine. We both know that, but choose to spend the time with them as we both have some quite elderly relatives and you just never know.. time is important. We will get Christmases together. But now isn't that time.

user1471538283 · 27/09/2021 11:07

He sounds awful. I wouldn't treat a stranger the way he has treated you.

I'm not convinced about the mother/son/family thing either. I wonder if he has got his own family somewhere he has to be with.

Whether he has or not I would not spend another minute even thinking about him.

rainbowstardrops · 27/09/2021 14:44

He's gone so make sure he's gone for good.
Why have you been in a relationship with him for THREE YEARS and yet you haven't met his mum or his friends???
He's either hiding something or he's just plain weird.
You're well rid

swish1 · 27/09/2021 15:22

I've not read every post, but I would avoid taking advice from the internet.
In every relationship there are behaviours that are not great, but you know what is healthy or not. If you feel there is more good to him than bad, then work on making improvements.
Manipulation in conversation happens in most relationships, I have had it, but if he wants it to last, he needs to work on communication and not pointing fingers at the way you said something rather than dealing with the issue.
He may not purposefully be hateful (like some posts have mentioned) but he definitely needs to work on the relationship in that area. And sometimes we may need to change the way we ask something in order to help them accept it. He obviously cant see how much his hurting you, sometimes men need a little kick and someone outside the relationship to tell them.

I don't think it's nice to be alone at Christmas, I would accept his mother's invitation and join. He might be more happy to have you there when he sees you with his family, and sees how they are accepting of you. He is probably just afraid because of what happened to previous girlfriends, but you are a completely different person, so no need to worry about that, it's better the meet them now than later. And It's much better than being on your own.

A lot of men have a unique relationship with their mothers and find it hard to step back, mothers can be very attached and sons feel they still need to be there for their mothers. Men need help with this, but it doesn't happen overnight, and may not even happen when you have a family. In most cases it's a gradual process but you need to trust him and he needs to trust you too.
If you don't think his cheating then don't let any of us put those thoughts in your head if you truly believe you have found a good guy. If you can find a way to meet his friends, mother, that should help you to trust him more and make your relationship stronger.

Best of luck x

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/09/2021 16:59

Manipulation in conversation happens in most relationships, I have had it, but if he wants it to last, he needs to work on communication and not pointing fingers at the way you said something rather than dealing with the issue.

This is patently not true.

RampantIvy · 27/09/2021 17:01

I've not read every post

The OP updated that the relationship has ended @swish1.

Original poster

Lazul1 · 27/09/2021 17:18

Thanks @swish1 but the communication thing has come up between us time and time again. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve said to him that I don’t feel I have a voice, am afraid to bring things up etc, asked him to please not jump on every one of my words, to please focus on the original issue.

He goes off on huge tangents in arguments. E.g. I will say something like ‘I’m not sure, what do you think?’ or ‘well, what do you think would be best?’ And it will set him off along the lines of Why are you answering my question with a question? Why don’t you just answer? I have answered your questions. We’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t answer my question! And so on and so forth until I can’t remember what we were originally discussing.

The same thing happened when I said ‘I’m upset my partner doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me’ and he demanded I change it to ‘I feel like my partner doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me’. He was fixated on this the entire argument and kept referring back to it, how I’m a mind reader, how I clearly know him better than he knows himself, how I could possibly make that assumption etc etc etc etc. Even when I said ‘Well it FEELS like you don’t want to spend Christmas with me’ he carried on, saying ‘but that’s not what you said to me originally’.

If I try to interject at any point he will likely say ‘don’t interrupt me!’, thus triggering another tangent about me interrupting him. So I just sit there having to listen to lengthy monologues..

Not sure if that makes sense or not. My brain feels scrambled just thinking about it.

He’s said many times that he’d work on it but it never really changed. I think it’s just ingrained into his personality.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lazul1 · 27/09/2021 17:26

He’s not a bad person… he’s incredibly kind and loving, that’s what drew me to him. Unfortunately he just doesn’t seem to be able to communicate or manage conflict in a healthy way, which I am beginning to learn are traits in men I am also apparently drawn to

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2021 17:29

How can you stay with someone who can’t communicate properly?

toolazytothinkofausername · 27/09/2021 17:36

After 3 years together this is not okay. You should come as a couple, and he should stand up for you and include you in his family matters.

toolazytothinkofausername · 27/09/2021 17:41

Oh shit, I just realised (sorry I'm slow) but I do the exact same thing as your partner Whenever there is an event with my family, I leave my DH at home with the DC and go alone. Festivals, birthdays, weddings, I go alone. I have no idea why, but I have Autism and not bothered that they are not with me.

Kdubs1981 · 27/09/2021 18:02

He's a twat.

RampantIvy · 27/09/2021 18:43

Whenever there is an event with my family, I leave my DH at home with the DC and go alone. Festivals, birthdays, weddings, I go alone.

Has it never occurred to you to invite them? Do they ever ask you if they can go along with you?

toolazytothinkofausername · 27/09/2021 18:52

@RampantIvy

Whenever there is an event with my family, I leave my DH at home with the DC and go alone. Festivals, birthdays, weddings, I go alone.

Has it never occurred to you to invite them? Do they ever ask you if they can go along with you?

They have never asked. We go to my husband's family events as a family.

AgentJohnson · 27/09/2021 19:09

Why are you prioritising someone who sees you as an option? I very much doubt that this is his first and probably not his last, act of dickishness.

imonlyhooman · 27/09/2021 19:15

You've every right to feel hurt and after three years of not meeting his family and friends you're not his partner, he doesn't see the relationship in the same way as you do. He's left. Be kind to yourself and move on. You deserve better.

VeganCheesePlease · 27/09/2021 19:18

He is being so selfish. The only Christmas me and my husband didn't spend together was our very first one because we were just together a short time and spent the day of the second with our families and Christmas night together. Leaving you alone for Christmas is horrible.

Usernamesarenotmyforte · 27/09/2021 19:34

Op, I’m in Shrewsbury. If you’re after seeing Santa they haven’t even opened the bookings at Sunnycroft yet www.nationaltrust.org.uk/sunnycroft/features/christmas-at-sunnycroft

Also for ice skating, Love2stay near Shrewsbury often has one.

Usernamesarenotmyforte · 27/09/2021 19:35

Oh poop. Opened the wrong thread. Ignore me!

Worldwide2 · 27/09/2021 19:58

He just sounds like one massive headache, I wouldn't try to reason or explain yourself to him anymore. I would honestly end it. You deserve better. Someone who is wants to spend a special occasion like Christmas with you.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 27/09/2021 20:30

@Lazul1

FFS Why do people always say this. Your entire thread shows that he is not a kind person.

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