To feel I have utterly let down my children by sending then to a state school?

[hibbledibble]

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

As long as you in-still drive and hard work within your children and encourage them to do plenty of extra-curricular activities including sports, debate etc, a state school would be absolutely fine. My sister went to the most basic comprehensive school in North London and achieved amazing GCSE results and went to a selective sixth form. She is now doing a science degree at one of the best universities in the UK. I went to a private international school and did equally well but no better than she did. From the beginning our parents made sure we worked very hard, supported us with a tutor if we needed extra help (or helped us themselves) and encouraged our interests. My husband and I probably won't send our kids to private school even though we could afford it, as we don't like a lot of the attitudes it produces.

Quite a lot of women I know have become Consultants in their late 30s. Medical school is usually 5-6 years so you finish around age 23/24. Then junior doctor for around 7-10 years unless you have kids and complete your training part time.

I know the career path for medics. The average age to have a first child in the UK is 30, in reality highly educated women like the OP is claiming to be tend to have children much later than this (e.g. all of my uni friends with PhDs had their children in their late 30s/40s) . So an OP that is a junior doctor with a 10yo has had her DC surprisingly early in comparison to her peers. Maybe she should have waited till her 30s to have children and she'd have been able to afford private education when she became a consultant.

I'm sorry you feel that way, hibbledibble, but it is amazing how well some children eventually do, even from not very good schools.

When I read your post, I really understood why so many parents make a point of living in an area with good schools but it's too late to think about that now.

It's a disgrace that state primaries don't teach to 11+ standards, in my day they all did (obviously some primaries were better than others). Parents often do some work with their children in preparation but the child has to comply, you can't force them.

All I'm saying is don't give up hope. As long as she does her school work conscientiously, she has a chance of doing well. You say she has coasted, maybe now she'll decide she wants to do better and make a point of knuckling down.

I'm doubly disgusted at your child's primary for saying they have no provision for gifted children. It's not only gifted or exceptional children who pass the 11+; obviously they have to have reasonably high intelligence but don't have to be geniuses. What the school said is a cop out.

This isn't your fault, op. However try to do some work with her, and with your younger one. Non verbal reasoning can be quite fun if they like puzzles, a good standard of English grammar and comprehension is also important, plus sums of course.

Is there really only one secondary available near you?

Of course the school someone goes to plays a part. There are always outliers and exceptions, so there's no point talking about one person who went to a state school and got 10 A*s, for example.

For example, look at this figure:

Behind the overall increase in grades, there is another story of marked inequality playing out this year. While 70% of independently educated pupils got As or A*s, the figure was 39% at state comprehensives.

www.theguardian.com/education/2021/aug/25/im-lost-poorer-pupils-lose-university-places-after-a-level-grade-surge

That is the figure for this year. That is a MASSIVE difference and it is not very fair for people in the thread to make out there's no difference, it does a disservice to those struggling with the reality of the situation.

OP, I'd just look at the situation you have now. Try to motivate her. Look into a tutor. Look at different secondary schools, see what options are available.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself

Ok you went to a private school, but lots of doctors didn’t, they managed very well at state schools

If you feel the provision is not right at the current school speak to the governors. If you are still unhappy see if they can move schools, that maybe possible. Or do what lots of parents do and get tutors

@JaninaDuszejko

Quite a lot of women I know have become Consultants in their late 30s. Medical school is usually 5-6 years so you finish around age 23/24. Then junior doctor for around 7-10 years unless you have kids and complete your training part time.

I know the career path for medics. The average age to have a first child in the UK is 30, in reality highly educated women like the OP is claiming to be tend to have children much later than this (e.g. all of my uni friends with PhDs had their children in their late 30s/40s) . So an OP that is a junior doctor with a 10yo has had her DC surprisingly early in comparison to her peers. Maybe she should have waited till her 30s to have children and she'd have been able to afford private education when she became a consultant.

Speak for yourself. I'm a doctor who chose to start my family earlier. Got pregnant at 27 and had both children as a junior doctor. I did my Obs & Gynae attachment as a medical student and remember sitting in the fertility clinics being told to get on with it asap.

While 70% of independently educated pupils got As or As, the figure was 39% at state comprehensives.*

Have you ever considered that this disparity could be linked to the socio- economic status of parents and the resources they have?

Got pregnant at 27 and had both children as a junior doctor

And were you still a junior doctor at 37 when your eldest was 10?

If you feel that the schools your children are at are not appropriate, can you not look into moving them to better schools that will push them more.

Yes of course - it's linked to a lot of things. I put it in there as people were making out there was no difference between state school and private/independent schools - when unfortunately there is. Of course there are always exceptions to any rule and people who do badly at private schools and amazingly well at state schools, but the difference in terms of results is quite stark.

My son went to state School and is now at uni doing medicine, if your daughter is coasting it's nothing to do with private school and more to do with her, if your daughter had a lot of potential educationally the school would be stretching her as it looks better on them the better results they get. Unfortunately children do not always turn out the way we want them too, some get bored in school, lose focus, start playing up ect, I don't think having her in private education would have made a massive difference. I mean you could always apply for a scholarship for her? But it does sound more like this is about what you want. I personally would just focus on her being at school and helping her with her homework and just see how she goes on if your still not happy then move schools.

@hibbledibble

'On entering the local primary', not on starting primary. This is an important distinction, that was admittedly not clear. At age 7, she was academically at the level of a 12-13 year old. Her teachers acknowledged she was incredibly bright, and advanced academically. They also said there was no facility to differentiate work for her. As a result she has made little progress since then.

OP, this is not a state school problem, this a problem with the school your children are attending.

Whichever teacher who told you there was no facility for differentiation would never have survived at the (OFSTED rated Outstanding) state school my DD attends, or the one at which I work!

“I have not failed, but have chosen a job I am passionate about, rather than one which is well paid.“

OP, you made a choice and now need to live without the repercussions of that choice.

I went to a state school in one of the worst areas - did not impact me at all. You are making excuses for your children not being driven when it comes to education.

Most of your posts seem to be excuses. Maybe your children just aren't that bright/willing to put the work in? Education being affected by the pandemic isn't unique to your children.

I went to a very rough comp. I worked my arse off at school and got into a top 10 uni despite working alongside my a levels. I'm not naturally bright or academic. I put the effort in. I went to uni with many privately educated kids. One of which I had to teach how to use a washing machine and another I had to explain pasta needed water to boil and cook.

I think you've been given quite a hard time, OP.
I am quite sympathetic. State school provision is hugely variable and things can change quite quickly. We were pleased about buying a house in the catchment area of a good state school, and then the v good SENCO left and there was a new headmaster, and both of those things spelled disaster for my boys, both of whom have special needs. The school is unrecognisable from seven years ago. There is no meaningful effort to address bullying (we had to home-ed my eldest for three years because he just couldn't go back to school), the place has plummeted down the league tables. And if I could have got them into private school and paid for it, I would have done. I hope things go well for your girls.

It seems like you need to find them a different school!! Yes lack of funds can make it harder to provide for students but if the school is committed they will differentiate work in lessons at least.
But private? Nah. To be honest most private schools only do better because of parental involvement & having bright kids to begin with. Also you will find it’s very different at secondary anyway as most will have provision for SEN and gifted and talented. Just make sure the school has at least a “good” Ofsted rating and your DC will be just fine. My DH was privately educated but has been very impressed with our DS’s state schools (DS is gifted and talented) and the teaching they provide. He says the only real difference seems to be with the facilities and number of trips. (Though we are lucky and live in an area with outstanding graded schools.)

Also, to be fair to crap headmaster, his job has been made far more difficult by funding cuts to education, but a different head would have managed these much more sensibly. I'm not sure all the posters on this thread realise quite how stretched state school education is these days.

I went to a private school and have never amounted to a thing. My highest salary was 28k and I earn less than that now

You do get that schools want children to achieve ? They’re measured on it

Did you try and get your DD into a private school at the age of 7 on a scholarship or anything like that?

skyblue
A vast majority of the discrepancy in private vs state school exam results really is due to socioeconomic factors! I work at a school that has a big divide in these and every year we split the results taking these in to account and the results across the school are very similar to the results you quoted. Those with poorer and less engaged families on average score lower than those with richer more engaged families. Those sending their children to private school are often more engaged in the education as they are paying for it, or at least very focussed on paying even more money to get those top grades.
So tbh those statistics really mean nothing!!
(Where I teach we are lucky that the more disadvantaged students don’t end up that far behind their peers as well have fantastic teachers, but there is still that gap.)

I work in a state school SEN department - I know full well stretched they are and yet we still manage a very good OFSTED report for SEND students and get them decent grades through catch up programmes etc.

I went to private school and hated. It!. My kids have gone Comprehe snsive
despite my father offering to pay for private, and are doing really well. Dd1 now accepted for law(at all the courses she applied. for). My ffriend went private

Since your so ‘academic’ - teach them yourself.

Sure most learning is done at school but of course you need to put in the effort too. Stop whining and do something about it

Sorry,pressed send by accident! ! Friends son has sooo many issues, mainly due to the people he is mixing with.
If your kid succeeds at state school it is their own achievement. I was led to believe my success came from money, and that has damaged me.. My confidence is shattered. I dont want that for my kids.their achievements are their own.

IMO a private education can be fantastic for pulling the middling or lazy child up a few grades but they aren't necessary for clever kids.

My DS went to an inner London state school from 4 to 18. She is a clever, highly disciplined and motivated girl. When she got her first graduate trainee job in the City she was one of 7 state school students in her cohort of 100 recruits. (She was also one of just 3 girls in that same cohort and the only state school girl).

4 years later she was the only trainee to pass every professional exam first time and became the first one of her cohort to qualify. The larger classes and independent learning needed at her state school had prepared her for the rigour of professional training and gave her a huge advantage over students used to individual attention in small classes.