To feel I have utterly let down my children by sending then to a state school?

[hibbledibble]

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

It you're doctor then there is work for you anywhere. Just move into the catchment of a good comprehensive secondary. I'm sure every single parent who can't afford private (me included) wonders what would become of their kids if they could. But it's all academic because you can't.
This is why private school should be illegal. The life chances of a child should never ever be contingent on the achievements or wealth or interests of the parents. Of course we know they always and forever will be

I'll repeat it again, I have offered a lot of support at home.

Quite likely it's their state school. I have thought about moving them, but there is no guarantee another state school would be any better, and I am limited by childcare, which limits school choices.

I don't know if others have found that they state school offers effective provision in terms of support for children who are gifted, or need extra academic support?

The discussion I have had with the headteacher leads me to believe this is a nationwide issue, due to funding issues.

I don’t know, I’m state school educated and pretty underwhelmed by what we’ve got from our expensive private school. My bright son has just performed extremely poorly on the standardised testing. Way below national average. Yet is in the “top” maths group. How can that be when his results indicate he should be in learning support. They’ve missed something clearly.
From what I can gather, there’s amazing buildings and facilities, a swish uniform and jobs from parents friends networks. There’s definitely a huge range of teachers like any school, from the brilliant to the poor.
I know not all are like this, but finding it hard to
Imagine my son being worse of in a state.

I'm at the opposite end of this. I've been putting my daughter through private education (primary and now also secondary- she's in year 7) and I'm regretting not sending her to the free school across the road instead of spending an absolute fortune on (I expect) the same results.

Her teachers acknowledged she was incredibly bright, and advanced academically. They also said there was no facility to differentiate work for her. As a result she has made little progress since then.

And you sat and watched this as a highly educated parent to the point where she failed the 11+?

Yes, I'm sorry but that is a bit of a tragedy. You can turn it around but it's going to take something you haven't put in before with no snotty 'if I wanted to educate my child I would hands home schooled' and 'it's all going to hell in a handbag because there's no private school' excuses. I think you both need a clean slate and a bit of tough love. Your younger daughter sounds tricky-please get a tutor onboard and follow their instructions on supporting her. As a doctor you have some flexibility to move unless you're pursuing something very high powered for your own satisfaction. Not that that's wrong but you could have greater flexibility if you wish, I come from a family of medics and they don't even work a five day week.

At age 7, she was academically at the level of a 12-13 year old. Her teachers acknowledged she was incredibly bright, and advanced academically. They also said there was no facility to differentiate work for her. As a result she has made little progress since then.

So,if she was at the level of a 12 to 13 year old at 7 despite going to this awful state school, it can’t have been all been bad? She’s 10 now so even having made little progress, she’s still ahead of most of her peers. Education has been severely disrupted in the last 18 months but she could well make good progress during the next year. Also many DC who were pretty average at primary go on to do well at secondary if they are bright and have supportive parents.

I went to a very standard state school. Not rough but nothing out of the ordinary. When I went to university I was in the same class (very small course, only 10 students) with two guys from Eton and 3 from other prestigious boarding schools. They were no better at our chosen subject than me. I expect they're doing better than me now but that's largely down to their family connections rather than personal success. There's nothing wrong with a state education

@clary I assume she means net pay not gross, and she may not be full time.

Junior doctors are usually paid about the same as band 6s (SHOs), and band 7s (registrars).

Well of course others have found state school to helped children behind or pushed them , universities and high paying jobs aren't all filled with the privately educated

*worse off.

The way it works here, not every state has a g&t program, but you can apply and if accepted, attend out of area to go there.

There are also selective high schools that operate the same way. I was a g&t kid, and so was my husband. He performed extremely well at a tiny, underfunded regional village school.

I don’t personally know many kids performing exceptionally well who don’t have outside tutoring, teachers for parents or are not scheduled in targeted extra curriculars such as debating, languages etc. that goes for state and private. What’s done outside of school really appears to be most impactful.

My long way of getting to the point is: don’t assume a private would be better. It definitely hasn’t been for us! I’m having a meeting with the teacher and principal, because I’m so disappointed that my son is performing so poorly without the school having seemed to notice or communicate that to his parents.

You couldn't possibly have offered a lot of support if she's that bright and doing that badly. You only needed to hold her steady! The year 6 curriculum is not rocket science by a long stretch and the internet is coming down with 11+ support. There's something really unpleasant about looking down your nose at schooling for the masses when you have a really able child. I know what it takes for a bright child to succeed and no school could really mess it up if there was compensating support at home. If she had additional needs, yes.

Tilly I didn't sit and do nothing. I had multiple meetings with school, and engaged a tutor. Unfortunately the tutor couldn't continue due to pandemic related issues. I found another tutor, but the provision has been less than ideal again, due to pandemic reasons. Because of my job/covid, I couldn't find anyone willing to tutor my daughter in person (as I was too high risk, and my family as an extension). The whole situation has been less than ideal. I did daily work with her, but it's been difficult when she's tired from a day of school, and also learns very little. Due to boredom at school, she decided to become the class clown. Hindsight is a great thing, but honestly I tried my best given the situation and limitations.

Also if at 7 your child was at a 12-13 year ild level why have they then struggled with an 11 +

But I don't understand, OP. You say that they are gifted. You say that you have offered a lot of support at home. You say that you have paid for tutors. And yet you say that one of your children has made no progress and the other one is struggling with the basics. Something doesn't add up.

My dd had outstanding support at her state primary school as a "gifted" child. No special provision at her state comprehensive secondary school. She was self motivated though, got straight 9s in her GCSEs and is now doing A-levels with a view to studying medicine. My exceptionally bright Dnephew got no additional support or extension work at primary or secondary school but worked hard and sailed through with a clean sweep of top grades.

If your daughter has disengaged, then work on that but don't assume that it's because she's at a state school. Loads of gifted kids thrive and excel in the state system.

@hibbledibble

I'll repeat it again, I have offered a lot of support at home.

Quite likely it's their state school. I have thought about moving them, but there is no guarantee another state school would be any better, and I am limited by childcare, which limits school choices.

I don't know if others have found that they state school offers effective provision in terms of support for children who are gifted, or need extra academic support?

The discussion I have had with the headteacher leads me to believe this is a nationwide issue, due to funding issues.

Again OP, how do you explain the thousands of children who attend state schools and have no tutoring who get straight A’s and go on to the best universities despite your concerns that the class sizes are too big and they are not stretched enough. How do all these students manage it without batting an eyelid? People really overestimate the effect the school and teachers have on a kids grades. If the teacher was the biggest variable, everyone in that teachers class would get the same grade. Some get A’s, some get E’s. Clearly the teacher or school isn’t the main deciding factor/variable.

I went to a bog-standard state school and ended up with all A’s at GCSE and went on to study a STEM subject at one of the top 5 universities in the country. I never considered my parents sending me to state school as a moral or parental failing. The best thing they ever did for me was give me a good work ethic and fostered a love of learning. I worked hard and tried to never get complacent. Whether I went to a state school or a private school would have made hardly any difference to my grades.

Op why are you only a junior dr then with your private education?
Was that a choice , do you intend to go further ?
I did also say lower end private school not all are £20000 a year some are less as my friend sent her children to one and they had everyday jobs , plus one of her children got a scholarship which also brings fees down

Exactly, she sounds very unmotivated which is something that needed addressing the first time she said she was bored. Kids can get bored in private schools too and be ignored for a while until alarms are raised, and not just the once.

I’d enquire at the local secondaries what their programme for gifted children looks like. She could regain some of her energy back once she gets a fresh start somewhere new. Ask around schools, talk to their psych Ed departments, raise it higher and higher up if you get no answers.

Alexa it's the school provision that doesn't add up. She should have done well, yes.

Younger child has missed loads of school. All I want now is catch up provision, but that isn't available.

I’d move them to another school personally and don’t accept the rubbish secondary, decent secondary education is vital:

4 kids here.. two were academically able and have gone on to Russell Group Unis and good careers (one a doctor, one a specialist nurse) from a very average comprehensive school. A* A levels all round.
One wasn't interested in University but has emigrated and is following his passion in music and now a musician and promoter, doing nicely.
One went to special school with learning disabilities and autism, and amazingly, has a full time job!

What got them were they are, was work ethic, personal interest and parental support as far as we were able ((I'm all about the Arts so couldn't help with A level maths or chemistry!)

Move schools if yours is rubbish. Home tutor, online tutoring is great ..we used it for DD2 when she had a useless Biology tutor. Private education doesn't guarantee success! (one of my friend's kids went to a public school but he's not bright and his A levels were dire!)

And frankly..junior doctors are still on a better wage than most... stop feeling hard done by!

I never considered my parents sending me to state school as a moral or parental failing. The best thing they ever did for me was give me a good work ethic and fostered a love of learning. I worked hard and tried to never get complacent. Whether I went to a state school or a private school would have made hardly any difference to my grades.

But at the end of the day this is the main thing for me as well. Especially the fostering a love of learning, which few teachers can replicate, no matter how academic the school they teach in is.

worried you seem to misunderstand. I'm 'only' a junior doctor because I am still training. All doctors are junior doctors until they are consultants or GPs. I will one day become a consultant.

@worriedatthemoment

Op why are you only a junior dr then with your private education? Was that a choice , do you intend to go further ? I did also say lower end private school not all are £20000 a year some are less as my friend sent her children to one and they had everyday jobs , plus one of her children got a scholarship which also brings fees down

What a weird question. All doctors have to go through the junior doctor years before they become consultants regardless of whether they are state school or private school educated.

Plus you could also just consider private for secondary years therefore having less years paying for multiple children
But really if thats not affordable then its really just seeing what the best school around is for your child , which nay offer them the best , which might be school a for one of your children but school b for the other child

@hibbledibble

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

But can't you see - you say you went to a private school and did v well academically but you cannot afford private for them. So just because you go to a private school it doesn't mean you will become a high earner!