To feel I have utterly let down my children by sending then to a state school?

[hibbledibble]

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

I also think dd was !ooked upon more favourably because she got her grades NOT via private schooling

OP I suspect neither you nor your children are as bright as you think you are and that their current perceived failure is actually simply the result of a level playing field.

Bright children (especially with parental support) will tend to do well at state school, mediocre and/or lazy children will do well in private.

I was like you . Ended up living in a bad part of the country, and my kids went to a very poor school because there was no choice. I felt awful about it.

My kids are both adults now - my son owns a trade business and makes more money than most of his friends. My daughter is an academic. I'm super proud of both of them and how well they have done. School isn't the only standard of parenting - stop beating yourself up over this.

"My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding. "

In what area did she test 'many years ahead of her age'? Schools may test reading age or spelling age in some circumstances, but not general ability.

This is not a particularly good indication of general IQ as many children arrive at school seeming advanced because of parental input and that advantage does wane if not maintained, or rather their peers catch up.

The G&T programme does not exist any more and rightly so but all children should be sufficiently stretched and challenged. At the end of each year, had she achieved or exceeded the expected standard? If so, she has made progress and has not stood still. If not, I think you should have moved schools years ago and I assume they are in special measures?

Have other children from her school passed the 11+?

To me, it sounds as if you have an unrealistic view of her natural ability.

"Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics."

Why did she miss so much school when you are a keyworker and she could have attended?

In what way does she need support - because she has SEN or just because she missed parts of the curriculum? If the latter, the school will be addressing this in classrooms across the whole cohort.

Schools are planning lessons to take missed learning into account. They are also in receipt of ringfenced money for catch up provision and they will be using that in the way they feel most appropriate. This may not be 1:1 provision for your dd, but iadditional resources, staff or group intervention programmes for those children identified as in need of such provision.

I will go against the grain and agree with you OP that your children would likely do better in a private setting.

As much as it is unfair private is better. Smaller class sizes, better teaching talent attracted (not always but generally), better extra curricular options, invested parents influence better outcomes.

You only have a few options.

1. Maintain the status quo.
2. Move to a different catchment area and change schools - Glasgow looks good, if a previous poster's children's results are the norm.
3. Tutor - meh I have had variable experiences with this - kids are tired and dont want to do school after school.
4. Take out a loan to pay for private school.

I hope you land on the right solution. ⚘

I still don’t get how she could test years ahead of her age, and now she is that age be behind her age? Surely if she was testing at age 12-13 she shouldn’t be so far behind other 11 year olds.

I think this likely has a lot more to do with her ‘playing the class clown’ and her mum putting her behaviour down to her being so gifted she is bored in class. Perhaps encouraging her to stop bring the class clown and pay attention might help so she isn’t falling behind in the first place. If she is so highly gifted then it will be easy to catch up.

@DollyPartBaked

OP I suspect neither you nor your children are as bright as you think you are and that their current perceived failure is actually simply the result of a level playing field.

Bright children (especially with parental support) will tend to do well at state school, mediocre and/or lazy children will do well in private.

That is just fucking nasty.

You need to advertise for a tutor with experience in generating enthusiastic engagement, in coaching a child who doubts her ability, and whose self esteem has been dealt a blow.

Your second child needs a different tutor, someone strong in remedial /catch up work, and again, one who will motivate your child to enjoy and engage with learning.

You need to sit down and research good state schools, find a new place to live within the catchment of good primary and secondary schools, and potentially find a new job.

You can't leave it to the school. If you want your children to succeed academically, you have to do a good deal of legwork.

You also need to research extra curricular activities your children should do to boost their ability to learn.

Music is one such activity. It requires effort, practice, resilience, and the gumption to turn up at lessons week in and week out and play your pieces. Martial arts is another area where students progress in a strictly graded set of skills. Another area is Irish dance, which is physically demanding and requires gradually gaining mastery of specific steps. All will teach your children to deal with setbacks and to apply themselves, pushing through difficult patches, seeing beyond a scenario of a teacher they don't particularly like.

It is not too late for your children. But you have to make them practice and you can't let them give up when they find the going tough.

To be fair to the op she probably doesn’t earn as much as some think.

My bil is a junior doctor and he’s earning £42k a year. Certainly not enough for private school.

However op is being unreasonable, a perfectly good education can be achieved at a state school. I actually think we have a pretty good education system compared to many.

As a pp has already said, teachers in ANY school are obliged to push g&t children. As a teacher in a state school, I've sat in many progress meetings with management explaining and justifying how I've pushed a high achieving child further. Good and bad teachers will be in both state and private. Private school teachers are not more qualified or skilled. In fact, I would say they're far less monitored.
I live in an area with a number of private schools. I went to two private schools locally myself. Interestingly both those schools have now gone in the last 7 years as the businesses went into liquidation. It didn't surprise me as I had first hand experience of how private schools really make up the rules to suit themselves. I believe state education has to be so much more accountable for everything. Plus, the facilities aren't always great at private schools. Many are submerged in traditional schooling still.

Having said all that, it's an individual choice to go for private education and I respect that. I prefer private medical treatment to NHS in the most part. However, don't be deceived op that a private education will ALWAYS be better and above state provision.

Also, I'm a school teacher as well as being a private tutor. I work for a tutoring company with around 15 other tutors so between us we see a lot of children every week. The children come from all sorts of different schools and for different reasons. Confidence and motivation is a huge factor behind academic achievement so without establishing that in a child, it doesn't matter what type of school they go too.

*to not too.

@GADDay but it's not though.

93% of children go to state school and I'm pretty sure that 93% of parents are not online asking whether they have 'failed' their children by not being able to send them to private school.

do you think it may be your daughters lack of motivation, natural ability or complacency that’s been at play here? If as you say your daughter is years and years ahead of her peers in intelligence, passing the 11+ should surely be possible?

This. I think 10 (?) is old enough for a gentle “come to Jesus” talk with your older DD. She’s academically able but failed the 11+ due to arsing around in class. She needs to understand that high school is important and if she’d like to do well and have a good job, money, study a particular subject at uni, travel - whatever her goals are - it’s on her to knuckle down and work. You can provide support and tutors if needed, but ultimately she’s the one with a bum in a seat at school.

@DollyPartBaked well that's ok then.

There is plenty research to show that the greatest impact on the life success of a child is the parent. Parents being involved, reading with children, spending time with them, eating meals together, showing an interest represents about 80% of the final success of the child.
A private boarding school child will do well because they have house parents, school sports, people who spend a lot of time with the children.
A kid who attends a private day school who never sees their parents, who never has dinner with them, who never goes for a walk together at the weekend will do less well than a state educated child whose parent talks to them in the car, who knows their friends, who attends school camp, who is on the PTA, comes to parent teacher nights.

I’m not sure that it is the lack of a private school that has let your DC down. My children are in the state system and my son passed the 11 plus for one of the super selective grammars. In fact 20 per cent of the children in his class got into grammar - the grammar school stated at the open day that usually only the top ten per cent of a class would get in.

My daughter decided not to do the 11 plus but is still working hard at her state secondary and I expect her to do just as well as my son.

I went to a private school and my husband went to a state. He has a first from a top university and he is one of the most successful people in his chosen career in the country.

Bright children will do well anywhere. The most important thing is that you teach them to take responsibility for their own education. I never have to tell my children to do their homework or to revise for a test - they both just get on with it. They don’t need to be spoon fed by the private school system. You sound like you are making excuses and blaming the school.

This is quite an odd thread.

You believe that not sending your kids to private school is failing them.

But also have taken a career path that has meant you can't provide, what you think is the bare minimum for your children.

You had all the advantages you want for your children, but you didn't make choices to ensure you were in a position to give them this?

Its just doesn't make sense.

I don’t understand how the very fact that you cannot afford something means you are letting your children down.
You’re in a great profession and providing your children what you can on your salary. You might wish you could afford private school fees but for goodness sakes don’t give your children the lesson that throwing money at something like academic achievement will make it happen. It really doesn’t always and those who are in the state system aren’t all condemned to under achievement !
The vast majority of parents can’t afford to remove their children from the state education system even where some may wish to.
I was ‘gifted’ as a child and accelerated a year. My parents could not afford private education when many of my friends went to private schools. I went to the local rather rough comprehensive. I was lucky to have parents who were both great role models and supported our education in ways that didn’t cost money balanced with their own busy jobs in professions themselves.
We all (siblings) managed to love school and do well whilst also being a normal part of that rather rough school (and others), not wishing we were elsewhere or feeling we should be.
Good luck op. All round - with your own career also.

OP can you move to the catchment area for a better state school?

That’s what I would be focusing on in your position.

What did your kids’ school get in their latest Ofsted inspection?

I think you really need to check yourself - if the message you feel is that your children are doomed because they didn't get a private education that is the message you are sending to your children too. Instead praise their strengths. Grammar schools often require the children to be independent learners. If your daughter is not this way inclined than maybe she would struggle at a grammar school. Both my children went to grammar but we had to take one out because the learning environment did not suit her.

@hibbledibble

'On entering the local primary', not on starting primary. This is an important distinction, that was admittedly not clear. At age 7, she was academically at the level of a 12-13 year old. Her teachers acknowledged she was incredibly bright, and advanced academically. They also said there was no facility to differentiate work for her. As a result she has made little progress since then.

I was educated a state school in a deprived part of the country. I am very academic, so were quite a decent number of other children throughout my school years. The bright children were always top of the class and always made progress. Maybe (and personally I think probably) they would have done even better in private school, but they still did well.

It seems that maybe your child isn’t academically inclined and you are hung up on a comment made by someone years ago.

@worriedatthemoment

Sorry as a dr you can afford the lower end private schools , its not a small wage

Medical registrars earn between £30-43 a year. Not enough to send two children private.

@worriedatthemoment

Op why are you only a junior dr then with your private education? Was that a choice , do you intend to go further ? I did also say lower end private school not all are £20000 a year some are less as my friend sent her children to one and they had everyday jobs , plus one of her children got a scholarship which also brings fees down

Everyone starts as a junior Dr. It's not a choice. You work your way up. Anyone under a consultant level is classed as a junior Dr.

If sending her kids to private school isvtge be all and end all of parenting to the op, I don't understand why in the years since her child was born she hasn't pursued are lucrative role.

If private school is really going to give her kids so much opportunity, it must have given them to the op. So she could have just pursued a better earning position.

Op says she picked a job she cared about, great. But who picks a job they care about in stead of money, when they genuinely think that would make them a failure as a parent?