To feel I have utterly let down my children by sending then to a state school?

[hibbledibble]

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

Sorry as a dr you can afford the lower end private schools , its not a small wage

My daughters have done well at state school with no additional tutoring. One applying to oxbridge for 2022 the other earning well in her chosen profession. Don’t blame the system.

you did well academically, are a Dr and still can't afford private school fees. You should obviously see its not a given to earn ££££££, is that what you want for your kids?

You're a doctor who claims to have failed to adequately educated your kids die to lack of pay? And expect sympathy?

Get real

*due to

What kind of doctor are you? If you’re a medical doctor you should be well able to afford to live in an not rough area with a good state school and also pay for occasional tutors.

I think you might be letting your children down educationally, but it’s not because you’re sending them to a state school.

worried I think you are overestimating how much doctors earn, and how much private school costs. To send one child to private school would be my entire take home wage, and it's not fair to only send one sibling. It's not affordable.

Statistically, parental involvement and attachment is the greatest predictor of academic achievement, iirc, not family affluence or educational opportunities. It's so hard for parents to get involved in a meaningful way when single parent/both working, adding in school runs and all the rest.

No reason why she couldn't do an a level online in her spare time surely, if she enjoyed it and could work independently at times?

I have invested a lot of time in their education, and also paid for tutors. The failing is not on my side here. No, I can't afford a better area though. Medical doctors don't earn as much as many think.

Errrr maybe you just have to face up to the fact that your kids really aren't as bright as you thought!

'Tested several years ahead upon entering primary' - what?! So your 4 year old tested as a 7 year old - what tests are these?

Many kids absolutely thrive at state schools and a bright child will do well anywhere. I think you are blaming the school for the fact that your kids are pretty average.

@worriedatthemoment

Sorry as a dr you can afford the lower end private schools , its not a small wage

It’s not enough to afford 2x £20k a year in school fees!

I think you overestimate how much most doctors earn, particularly when their children are primary age. Most people don’t become consultants until their mid to late 30s - junior doctor salaries don’t stretch to multiple sets of private school fees.

No, I can't afford a better area though. Medical doctors don't earn as much as many think.

You likely earn by yourself more than what the average couple earns together in the U.K. GPs are lowest paid doctors and they start at £60k.

So you’re either used to very posh areas and think a middle class area is “rough” or you’re somehow burning money frivolously if you think you can’t afford a nice area with good state school.

'On entering the local primary', not on starting primary. This is an important distinction, that was admittedly not clear. At age 7, she was academically at the level of a 12-13 year old. Her teachers acknowledged she was incredibly bright, and advanced academically. They also said there was no facility to differentiate work for her. As a result she has made little progress since then.

plan no, I earn nowhere near 60k. I am junior doctor.

You haven’t failed them.

I went to a normal local school which had a reputation for achieving low grades at the university entrance exams (A-level equivalent in my country). The median grade was something like 62/100, I came out with 96/100. Top achievers were those getting into the high 70s, so 96 was huge. Everyone said it was impossible at that school - they never covered the whole textbooks. Well, I read the textbooks and learnt the topics myself.

I wanted to learn, so I learnt. My parents supported me constantly despite only having a high school education, quizzed me on extra topics the school didn’t go through, gave my the opportunity to do music and arts (state-funded where we lived although there were still big expenses involved).

I didn’t go to any fancy schools and had a university offer abroad (UK) at the age of 15. If a child is able and motivated, they will - in the majority of cases - do well regardless of which school they go to. They will engage and absorb everything the teachers say, they will seek further knowledge off their own accord. They will be able to get decent grades and further education opportunities and at the end of the day, when you apply for a job it doesn’t matter what school you went to. What matters is what you did with what the school did or did not teach you.

Why do you think she lacks a work ethic, OP?

@hibbledibble

worried I think you are overestimating how much doctors earn, and how much private school costs. To send one child to private school would be my entire take home wage, and it's not fair to only send one sibling. It's not affordable.

Wow, doctors really don't earn much. Private school according to MN threads passim costs about £15-£20k per year, which is a bit less than my take home pay, and I am a lowly Band 5 admin person in the NHS.

Seriously OP, the vast vast majority of children in the UK attend state schools and many will go on to have great careers, where they sometimes even take home much more than £20k, even if I don't.

If your older DD is very bright then I am sure she will flourish at secondary, especially with your support and positive role model.

If you had your time again perhaps you would have supported them where the school didn't. It's a bit late to be thinking about whether a school has provided an efficient education in Year 6, just as they're leaving.

I don't think a private school would have necessarily fixed this as you're describing a lack of parental support and awareness as well as school failings which leaves the question of what the school is actually like a bit up in the air. Private school perhaps wouldn't have made a huge difference to the outcome as rich busy parents are a problem there too. I don't know why you didn't move them especially if you were too busy to offer support at home.

Plenty of parents who could never dream of private school so what they can to access good state schools and always always support at home. Online lockdown tuition was huge as well, there seems to be a lot of excuses here that hold no water. Ultimately it's never too late to start supporting your child.

You do realise there are thousands and thousands of kids throughout the country who get straight A’s and A*s in their GCSEs and end up in Oxbridge or Russell Group unis who went to state schools - even under-performing state schools. The biggest factor of a child’s success by far is their intrinsic drive, work ethic, parental input in early years and coming from a background that values and encourages the pursuit of education and knowledge. All of this can be done absolutely fine in a state school setting.

Do you think no-one who went to state schools got good grades or went on to do good jobs?!!

@hibbledibble

'On entering the local primary', not on starting primary. This is an important distinction, that was admittedly not clear. At age 7, she was academically at the level of a 12-13 year old. Her teachers acknowledged she was incredibly bright, and advanced academically. They also said there was no facility to differentiate work for her. As a result she has made little progress since then.

Your update clarifies a few things.

Why aren’t the teachers stretching her? Why aren’t you contacting senior leadership or whoever is in charge of the local education departments in the UK - council, ofsted? Not sure how it works as I didn’t have children go through the school system in the UK. Something needs to be addressed if the child is that able.

I had to skip 2 years of school and that had to be done through the regional department of the Ministry for Education, together with the regional Psych Ed department. My parents fought like crazy to find a solution that enabled me to progress at an adequate level academically. The school won’t just offer it.

Bright children tend to feed their own minds through reading and cultural experiences, but this needs parental support. If you’re still in training as a junior doctor perhaps their father could help?

But if you got her tutors and invested so much in her education then surely she should be academically up to speed?

If she was so academically advanced at age 7 then why didnt you approach local private schools for scholarships?

Is this actually a real life problem?!!! Maybe a problem of privalage dare I say it.

I went to two private schools, primary and secondary. I can tell you from first hand experience that the education I received was not to a high standard. Do you realise that many private schools employ unqualified teachers ?
My GCSEs were very average when I left the secondary school. I then went on to do a levels, a degree and I then qualified as a primary school teacher myself. None of that was down to a private education.

I've worked in state schools for 15 years now and I think the teaching, resources, expertise, facilities are far better in state school. The accountability in state education is far greater.

Having said all that, strangely enough, I'm just about to apply for a teaching job in a private school so maybe I'll get a different insight.