To feel I have utterly let down my children by sending then to a state school?

[hibbledibble]

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

However, you might just end up failing them if you give them the impression that they're doomed to failure because they are not privately educated.

Well said. I can remember the head boy of one of the less thought of schools in my city saying that if a student wants to get ahead then they will, no matter where they go to school. You need to encourage your children to make the best of the opportunities they have, rather than projecting that they can't do as well simply because they aren't at a private school.

@ExpulsoCorona im nit a dr so I don't know hence why I asked
I have no idea if op has been a junior dr for a year or 3 , maybe they trained later took time out , hence why I asked as if due soon to go higher maybe oaying for one child to go through at secondary is doable if wages will increase by time child 2 gets to that stage
But i didn't think junior drs only earnt £15000

OP - you're feeling guilty. You've been working ridiculously hard for the past couple of years with Covid, at the expense of family time and now this has happened. Please don't despair. Lots of us went to state schools and ended up doing well. This isn't a state school vs private school issue. All state schools should be able to differentiate work for their pupils, not leave their brightest ones coasting. Secondary school should be a fresh start for her. If you can live somewhere where you'd be in the catchment for a decent comprehensive and still manage your commute, it may be worth moving.

@ExpulsoCorona also op associates private school with success etc , if its so much better why are not all private educated people earning six figure sums

@hibbledibble

Alexa it's the school provision that doesn't add up. She should have done well, yes.

Younger child has missed loads of school. All I want now is catch up provision, but that isn't available.

I'm sorry, I still don't get it. Even with totally crap/non-existent school provision, I don't understand how a really bright child with an involved and supportive parent could make no progress over an extended period. Most gifted children end up self teaching themselves quite naturally, when the need arises, because they are intellectually curious and capable. There must be something else going on here. Could it be a mental health issue? Is she actively choosing not to engage for some reason? Does she possibly have undiagnosed additional needs of some sort?

Alexa it's the school provision that doesn't add up. She should have done well, yes

State schools don't coach a child for the 11+, that's down to you, tutors, practice papers. If your DD was so bright at 7, it doesn't dry up or go away because of the school.

I’m a bit blown away you would be citing the lockdown as a reason for poor performance when everyone’s children were subjected to the same conditions. Either they attended school as the children of a key worker or you were at home managing as best you could like the rest of us. We are in the position of considering secondary schools at the moment and Ive recently visited a local school. It’s non selective, Ofsted outstanding & performs in the top 5 in the county. I was blown away by the facilities it had on offer….( All schools do not receive the same funding). Although we were planning on moving away from this area the fact there are no bad / failing schools around here gives us great incentive to stick around.

Is there something else going on for you/them as there seems to be a lack of motivation? Is that because of the school ethos? I'm surprised she failed 11+. At the end of the day you've done your best.

If she was advanced to the point she tested as a 12-13 year old how is she now so behind? Surely she should still be at that same level, except now her peers have caught up with her?

If she was struggling so badly for the past 4/5 years then it really should have been picked up on (by you) and you could have encouraged her with extra help in xyz subjects. Lots of kids do well in state schools so it’s a cop out to suggest the school have left your child behind.

@Divebar2021

I’m a bit blown away you would be citing the lockdown as a reason for poor performance when everyone’s children were subjected to the same conditions. Either they attended school as the children of a key worker or you were at home managing as best you could like the rest of us. We are in the position of considering secondary schools at the moment and Ive recently visited a local school. It’s non selective, Ofsted outstanding & performs in the top 5 in the county. I was blown away by the facilities it had on offer….( All schools do not receive the same funding). Although we were planning on moving away from this area the fact there are no bad / failing schools around here gives us great incentive to stick around.

In my DS's school, in the first lockdown the children who stayed at home usually had their parents at home, trying hard to work and trying to homeschool at the same time.

The children who went in as 'keyworker children' played all day. The teachers weren't allowed to teach because it wouldn't be fair on all of the children at home. So the kids at home got frazzled parents at home managing some homeschooling and the kids at school got nothing.

A lot of the keyworker kids were really scared about what was happening with their parents at work.

The school administered tests evidence the lack of learning. Are all children at the school performing poorly?

I did daily work with her, but it's been difficult when she's tired from a day of school, and also learns very little. Due to boredom at school, she decided to become the class clown. How does being the ‘class clown’ as you put it, mean that she can’t effectively learn at home?

Could there be something else going on that’s holding her learning back?

Has she ever been screened for any learning difficulties such as dyslexia and dyspraxia? This could explain her tiredness, as the school day takes more effort and concentration.

Also, children with additional support needs such as ADHD or autism can present as developmentally advanced when young, but then struggle in the classroom.

11+ is a bit of a red herring as it's mainly about practice/familiarity with the question format. It's well known that state schools don't prepare kids for this, so parents have to do it themselves if they want to go down that route, or hire a tutor or whatever.

I wonder if you were maybe a bit complacent about how clever she was and assumed that she would sail through without any preparation? Sadly, that isn't how the 11+ tests work, which is why I'd get rid of them if I could.

Also, clearly some children in your daughters class did easily pass the 11+ test despite being in the same class as your daughter and learning exactly the same things so…

I do mean this kindly but do you think it may be your daughters lack of motivation, natural ability or complacency that’s been at play here? If as you say your daughter is years and years ahead of her peers in intelligence, passing the 11+ should surely be possible?

I'm not quite sure how a junior doctor can have a 10 year old. Were you a teenage Mum? Or are you particularly hairy footed and got your dates wrong?

It's possible of course for educated middle class parents to have children that go off the rails and maybe that's what's happening to your 10 yo . But there's actually no evidence that children who are privately educated do any better educationally than children from equally financially privilaged homes that choose to use state education. Private school may have been the only option for the middle classes when provision for education post 16 was patchy across the country but now it's an expensive luxury for the few.

I get what you mean op.
State is so dependent on each school. No standardisation for eg
One school

• teacher/ta only listening to readers 1 per 6 weeks.
• 2 reading books a week

Next nearest school

• read with at least weekly
• 7 books a week.

However i would say that at the skills change and being good at y2 maths say and reading like a 12 yo may be different by y6 when comprehension and grammar are much hardet. Also if say oldest they become less far ahead.
My dc1 was bright in reception. I still think so in English/ reading (y5) top 10% on their tests, but the maths is quite hard.
For her she needs to be enforced to attempt harder work. The homework and extra practice arent there.
We dont even have grammars so we are stuck with really 0 school choice - due to new house builds. But the other secondary at least would get reasonable results. At least with grammar dc1 would have the opportunity of the better school without us moving.

My DP’s family had no money, and he and his sibling went to a bad state school. They are both now in extremely well paid positions (six figure salaries).

I went to a private school and dropped out. I’m on a good salary in an administrative role but only through hard graft.

The school is not everything. Invest in some good private tuition if you can afford it and do want you can to get your DC excited about learning.

Healthy, happy and confident is what you're aiming for in children I think. Academic success doesn't guarantee success in life.
Continue to support your daughter at school but I think you have to accept that your way is not her way.

Scholarships? The child who is academically advanced surely could get one?
If not, are there no better govt schools near you?

So she didn't work and you also lack discipline at home.

You're in a very demanding job and have not been able to offer the support she should have had in these circumstances.

The state school has an unmotivated, undisciplined child on their hands which is apparently entirely their fault because they don't have the resources for a gifted and talented programme.

And you have magically missed the online tutoring boom of the last 18 months. You can click your fingers and have a learning package that day or a real life tutor in days.

I'm sure it's been hard but some of these problems are not down to the school and if they hadn't been there, the school might have had a chance. Do you have any idea how much the class clown disrupts the learning of children who really need to focus?

I could make my bright children learn the curriculum in an hour a day and quite frankly tiredness or laziness would be stream rollered out of them for their own benefit because I'm their parent and I choose what's best for them. I also have huge amounts of support for my gifted child in the form of online programmes that are easy to access and supervise. This would not work with additional needs so that's another kettle of fish.

I think you're unreasonable. Let go of the private school pipe dream as it's fuelling your no-can-do attitude. You seem apathetic about changing this yourself but you can.

@JaninaDuszejko

I'm not quite sure how a junior doctor can have a 10 year old. Were you a teenage Mum? Or are you particularly hairy footed and got your dates wrong?

It's possible of course for educated middle class parents to have children that go off the rails and maybe that's what's happening to your 10 yo . But there's actually no evidence that children who are privately educated do any better educationally than children from equally financially privilaged homes that choose to use state education. Private school may have been the only option for the middle classes when provision for education post 16 was patchy across the country but now it's an expensive luxury for the few.

Quite a lot of women I know have become Consultants in their late 30s. Medical school is usually 5-6 years so you finish around age 23/24. Then junior doctor for around 7-10 years unless you have kids and complete your training part time.

My son was educated in a working class comprehensive, was self motivated at a young age, always praised but never had tutors .Went to a very good sixth form college and ended up at Oxford Universtiy..it can be done.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary.

What state primary test was that ? Children are not tested in that way as they entered primary.

My cousin went to Eton. I went to a crappy state school. I got almost straight he did not.
I got a good job. He blagged a mediocre job.He struggles relating to people not from a posh background. I get on with everyone.
I feel more privileged than he has ever been

Straight A's

Well you have seen the other 'side' Op, yet many posters will come on and tell you that private school are shite.

But we both know they are not.

State schools compared to private are dreadful. Not because of the teachers - but because of the overcrowding and underfunding.

There was a really dodgy moment during covid that we thought we might have to pull them from school and we started making waves to hire private tutors but luckily we pulled through.

hire them a private tutor.