To feel I have utterly let down my children by sending then to a state school?

[hibbledibble]

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

Sorry OP I’ve just seen that you’re a doctor so you have done incredibly well, so I take that back when I said ‘you haven’t done well’

If the school failed to provide a decent level of education for your daughter then it was up to you to fight tooth and nail for the provision your children needed.When you have a child with SENDs for example ,do you think the school just gives you the provision/funding. You have to fight tooth and nail for every penny ,I had 2 very very clever children both with SENDs ,1 eventually went on to Oxford uni but getting them through the state system even with statements was not a breeze.If I had a £1 for everytime I heard there wasn't enough funding ,I could of sent them both to private school personally.
Fight for what your children need,nobody else will.Good luck !

There are some real mean posts, please be kind to the OP.

I am aware of how difficult it has been to work as a junior doctor and for that matter , for anyone in the front line service during the pandemic. Well done to those who could spend time with their children supporting them during the pandemic preparing for 11plus exams etc., It is quite unlikely that the OP would have been able to support her children as much she would have liked to have done. The provision for key workers was primarily childcare in the first lockdown .

A lot us did not have either physical or mental strength to do extra work with children at home and had to survive this period by covering for our colleagues at short notice, doing extra shifts and working in unfamiliar areas with constantly changing guidance , protocols etc.,
We have had junior doctors from across the world working in our hospital, scared not only for themselves but for their families stuck in different part of the world.

OP - leave London once you finish your training, if possible. Look at the school provision and talk to your future colleagues before accepting any job. I am not sure at what level of training you are at but choose your next move carefully. Good luck, remember that you are not a failure.

@CecilyP

^Sorry but you have let your DD down. if she is that bright then with a tiny bit of tutoring just to close gaps in reasoning tests snd exam technique she would have passed the 11+. Mine went to both excellent state and private and passed 11+ from both but you do need to tutor. But if you can’t afford it anyway, why did you get her to sit for it?^

Smug or what! Probably nearly all the children who sat the exam for OP’s desired school were bright and had various levels tutoring to close gaps in reasoning tests and exam technique exam technique but they can’t all have passed. Probably a fair percentage of ‘failures‘ came from private school.

No harm in sitting the exam for such a desirable school but OP needed to be realistic and not get too disheartened by not succeeding.

The point is that Op said she can’t afford a private school. So why did she sit her DD for it? If her DD had of got in, she couldn’t have gone anyway as op couldn’t pay. I can’t see why she would have put her through it, unless she was applying for a bursary which she hadn’t mentioned. I don’t see it as smug at all - I’m just saying you need to tutor to get in, even with a bright child. And you need to be able to pay.

@msgreen

Sent ours to private school, and wish we had gone state.Its left us broke we had not really considered the social side of being with super rich kids its no picnic ! TBH the most important thing we have found has been reading, its had a huge impact . Its the one single thing that's made a difference .But that was down to us making books a part of life early on nurturing a love of learning . In our experience private schools are places where no one is held accountable and much of what goes on would never be allowed in the state system

That's an aspect a lot of people miss- I know a nice kid who was sent, with the best of intentions, to a rather posh private day school. She was miserable, as she was looked down on by the other girls for not being as wealthy (her parents had a small family business and worked their socks off to pay her fees) and - wait for it- not having a posh enough pony. Not not having a pony, not having a posh enough one, only a 'common' one, not a thoroughbred type. Her parents sent her to the local state school, where she thrived (and had great fun letting the kids who had no ponies ride her friendly but plain pony- she was a generous kid too).

Really academic success is probably at least third on the list of the benefits of a private education. The confidence, vocabulary, expectations and connections are so important. The experiences in the arts, travel, music, extra curricular. The class sizes and opportunities offer a superior experience, and it’s not what you know, but who you know that counts...there’s so much more to it that exam results.

@hibbledibble

electric I'm a doctor, so I have done well academically, and professionally. Unfortunately, private school fees have gone up way above inflation, and doctor's wages have stagnated to below inflation. I have not failed, but have chosen a job I am passionate about, rather than one which is well paid.

What about if you work as a locum rather than sub? (assuming you are substansive). You could end up on alot more money. Most of my family are locums. Might help a little x

Sounds as if your children could do with more time and attention from their parents. I went to state schools but had a mum who valued education above all else, and despite working several jobs and studying herself made time to read with us every day, help with our homework, encourage us.
Your children aren’t failing, they’re young and need your help.
I work in education and can tell you that the single most important thing for a child, particularly a younger child, to be successful in their learning is the engagement of their parents in that learning.

Have found posts on here so mean and rude. Honestly, OP my children are still little but I completely understand wanting to give them the absolute best opportunities, as I am sure all parents do. I grew up in another country so the system here is foreign to me. I do think there are good and bad states and private school. I would look to supplement their education in any way you can, maths while baking, reading to them while they have breakfast, pick topics they love and get them books on those, take them on trips to things they are excited about and let them learn through experience.

I hope you find a solution that works for your family. I think many of the comments are uncalled for. Try not to carry the weight on your shoulders, focus on what you can control and instill confidence in your kids so they believe they can take on the world!

I've just started my children in uk state schools after their education for the last 6 years being in private British schools abroad. I worried about the transition and class sizes. I always knew the teaching would just be luck on which teacher they got (I'm a teacher not all are great/ gel with your child).

Their schools have been wonderful and provided over and above what private sector schools offer in the uk. My eldest is G&T and middle is low ability and they have had appropriate interventions already. I don't know how secondary will go but plan to do my best to support from the sidelines if it's not working out.

Lots of private schools in the uk are crap. I'm not going to send any of mine as I can't afford it and also don't think they are worth it academically. If any of them suffer in terms of wellbeing I will try to move them within the state system.

Friends within the private sector here have told me stories about their child's Teachers/ provision and I've shuddered. They are definitely not a guaranteed place if excellence.

You've done the best you can, just keep listening and supporting and maybe your eldest will hit her stride in secondary school.

@Toomuchtrouble4me I don't think she did get her DD to sit an entrance exam for a private school. My understanding is that she's sat the 11+, for state grammar schools.

If your child is bright and you have had a good education yourself, then surely you have done your research and found out that it up to you, not the school, to prepare your child fir the 11+, and this preparation is needs to start from the beginning of year 5 at the latest? There is a wealth of materials available, plus mock exams and a plethora of online tutors! Whatever school you child attends, the school day ends at 3 - giving you ample opportunity to fill in any gaps in your child’s education! Reception assessments are designed to give teachers a baseline to see which children may need additional help and measure progress, they are not meant as a predictor of a child’s grades, as children’s preschool experiences and environments differ widely! A bright, curious child is usually an avid reader and the internet has thousands of stimulating courses and programs, usually free of charge, plus countless apps for iPads and iPhones for very little cost, there is no need to employ expensive tutors!

I am intrigued to know what the “second round” of the 11+ is? In our area, there is only the exam, followed by an offer if the child passes at the required level? Has your child been achieving high marks in the mock exams you have given him? Do his teachers feel that he is capable of passing the 11+? Is he consistency in the top three or four children in the class? What has led you to believe he is “gifted”?

In our area we have several comprehensive schools and we can apply to any of these, although there is no guarantee they will be accepted for a school if it is not in its catchment area, it’s worth a try!

Whatever school they end up in, the children who do best are the ones whose parents out in the most effort in supporting them and supplementing them! My two sons went to to the local Comprehensive school, one is now a Consultant and one an Investment Banker, the latter achieving 5 A Levels at Grade A!

You cannot compare schools merely on published academic statistics i.e how many children obtain grade A at A level or GCSE! Comprehensive schools, by their very nature, have a large proportion of disadvantaged and non academic students, which will obviously, bring the overall academic level down! A bright child, in the top sets at a Comprehensive School is just as likely to get good A Levels and a place in a good University as a child from a private or grammar school!

If they are to succeed, it is vital that you believe in them and their ability to do so and to in-still in them a love of learning and problem solving, as well as pride and confidence in their schools - you will only fail them if you pass on your own misgivings and allow them to feel that their success or failures lies with the school they attend and not within themselves!

oomuchtrouble4me

The point is that Op said she can’t afford a private school. So why did she sit her DD for it? If her DD had of got in, she couldn’t have gone anyway as op couldn’t pay. I can’t see why she would have put her through it, unless she was applying for a bursary which she hadn’t mentioned.

You’ve misunderstood; the school OP’s DD sat the exam for is a highly selective state grammar school. No fees and no harm in taking a punt as long as you keep an open mind regarding the result.

Wow, this has blown up. This isn't a judgement of all state schools. It's about my children's school, which isn't failing both my children.

The 11+ is in two rounds here, as I'm sure it is in others too. I am also referring to the state school exam.

Some doctors, and others, have been understanding, thank you. The pandemic and changes to my work, have taken a huge toll on my mental health. I have seen horrific events, and as a result I haven't been able to focus on my children's education as much as I would have liked. Those who have worked through it will understand. Those who haven't, have no right to be judgemental regarding how much learning support I have been able to offer.

walkaround thank you for the suggestion regarding the tutoring programme. This is one of the most useful replies I have had. There have been some that have been helpful, but far more that are deliberately rude or judgemental.

There are many well known and successful people who have not been privately educated and have attended comprehensive schools. Some of them have come from quite disadvantaged backgrounds too. It's possible that your children's school is as dire as you claim but you seem to be of the impression that schools are wholly responsible for educating your children. In fact, I think many children who do well despite sometimes difficult circumstances do have parental support and as much help as they are able to give. That might not necessarily be academic support but a belief in their abilities and encouragement to work hard at whatever their hearts are set on. Building confidence and focusing on what children are good at, rather than being critical and doom laden.

I think it is fair to say that private education generally confers certain advantages - smaller classes, better facilities, more space and, of course, various networking opportunities. But, despite those advantages, they are not, on their own, a guarantee of academic or employment success. If it was, then presumably all privately educated children would automatically have high flying jobs, which appears not to be the case.

If you convey the impression to your children that the school they attend is somehow inferior to the education you received, this may well have affected their confidence and motivation. It gives them a ready made excuse for not working hard - there's no point because it's a lousy school anyway and it's Mum's fault because we didn't go to a private school.

At a time when the issue of removing charitable status from private schools is being discussed, this thread perhaps could be seen as rather opportune in singing the praises of private education and denigrating state education.

OP, as an ex-teacher, I regularly had gifted children in my class and they were always differentiated for but often parents refused to see this and always wanted more.

I also had a lot of parents claim their child was gifted but like your child they underperformed. The problem with that is it’s impossible to give them harder work when they are not understanding the basic work taught in the main lesson time because they are not paying attention. Your DD needs to listen and do the work properly if she/you want her to be challenged. She will not be capable of completing the harder stuff if she isn’t understanding the normal work (which she won’t be if she isn’t listening or is messing around).

It is very common for children to naturally do well when they are younger but if they have an issue with behaviour or focus, they start falling behind once they get older because they can no longer rely on intelligence and need to actually learn the stuff being taught.

If your child’s teachers say she is making progress then she is. I think you should focus on dealing with DDs behaviour. If she thinks the work is too easy for her, she needs to prove it by doing it and doing it well. If she was doing that, she would be performing at least as well as expected and wouldn’t be behind.

I also feel compelled to bring up the possibility that she does have additional needs that have not been noticed. I have ADHD and was only diagnosed as an adult - it often presents very differently in girls (it is NOT just the stereotypical hyperactive child who can’t sit still) and girls are tragically underdiagnosed. It is very common for gifted children with ADHD to be able to mask their ADHD symptoms so it’s not always easily noticed. However it still does cause issues like this and those issues often become much worse in adulthood.

Another alternative is that your DD is simply doing fine and she may even be messing around in class to rebel against the pressure on her to be gifted or she may be picking up on your attitude and not respecting the teachers.

What many parents fail to realize is that there are a lot of children in the class at different levels. This teacher is undoubtedly spending a lot of time planning lessons to meet all needs, marking work, giving feedback etc.

If your DD is not listening or engaging, the teacher can use all the strategies she has but in the end unfortunately she can not force your child to listen.

The fact your DD is making progress means the teacher is already probably spending a lot of time focusing on her and getting her to learn, despite her behaviour.

I also want to add that unfortunately, your DD is going to experience boredom a lot in her life and needs to learn to do things that aren’t always exciting. I like that education is becoming more and more child-led and there is so much emphasis on engaging the children and ensuring all children make progress. I definitely don’t want things to go back to Victorian rows and rote learning of course. But I also do think sometimes that it can set children up to believe that they should always be entertained, stimulated and perfectly challenged at their levels and that all of this should be given to them on a plate.

When I was young, worksheets and textbooks were the norm and I still enjoyed school. Whenever we did a practical activity like an experiment, or a fun lesson like a “solving the mystery using maths” I was absolutely delighted and still remember those lessons to this day.

Now, those “fun” activities are the norm but they can’t just be fun - they have to evidence learning for all pupils and be exactly tailored towards the learning objectives. Not a minute of the class can be “wasted” on non-learning. Teachers are expected to make 30 children constantly learn every minute of the day while still engaging them, supporting them and stimulating their minds.

Unfortunately, when you get older that all stops. My boss does not care whether I am bored, uninterested or would rather do something different. In life you have to do boring things, you have to push yourself instead of expecting everyone to do it for you and you have to take responsibility for your own work ethic.

I highly doubt the class teacher is doing literally no differentiation but I expect that it just isn’t the kind you are looking for.

@hibbledibble

If I wanted to educate them myself, I would have home schooled. I had naively thought that they would receive an education at school.

Sounds like you don’t like what you are hearing but you asked for opinions and you are getting them.

OP I think the problem is you are not understanding the general sentiment here - home life is just as important as school life. This does not mean 'spend endless hours revising numeracy with your child'. It means creating an enriched environment in which your child learns the skill of learning, being curious, asking questions.
Surely as a doctor you have done this?

@Beckso89

OP, as an ex-teacher, I regularly had gifted children in my class and they were always differentiated for but often parents refused to see this and always wanted more.

I also had a lot of parents claim their child was gifted but like your child they underperformed. The problem with that is it’s impossible to give them harder work when they are not understanding the basic work taught in the main lesson time because they are not paying attention. Your DD needs to listen and do the work properly if she/you want her to be challenged. She will not be capable of completing the harder stuff if she isn’t understanding the normal work (which she won’t be if she isn’t listening or is messing around).

It is very common for children to naturally do well when they are younger but if they have an issue with behaviour or focus, they start falling behind once they get older because they can no longer rely on intelligence and need to actually learn the stuff being taught.

If your child’s teachers say she is making progress then she is. I think you should focus on dealing with DDs behaviour. If she thinks the work is too easy for her, she needs to prove it by doing it and doing it well. If she was doing that, she would be performing at least as well as expected and wouldn’t be behind.

I also feel compelled to bring up the possibility that she does have additional needs that have not been noticed. I have ADHD and was only diagnosed as an adult - it often presents very differently in girls (it is NOT just the stereotypical hyperactive child who can’t sit still) and girls are tragically underdiagnosed. It is very common for gifted children with ADHD to be able to mask their ADHD symptoms so it’s not always easily noticed. However it still does cause issues like this and those issues often become much worse in adulthood.

Another alternative is that your DD is simply doing fine and she may even be messing around in class to rebel against the pressure on her to be gifted or she may be picking up on your attitude and not respecting the teachers.

What many parents fail to realize is that there are a lot of children in the class at different levels. This teacher is undoubtedly spending a lot of time planning lessons to meet all needs, marking work, giving feedback etc.

If your DD is not listening or engaging, the teacher can use all the strategies she has but in the end unfortunately she can not force your child to listen.

The fact your DD is making progress means the teacher is already probably spending a lot of time focusing on her and getting her to learn, despite her behaviour.

I also want to add that unfortunately, your DD is going to experience boredom a lot in her life and needs to learn to do things that aren’t always exciting. I like that education is becoming more and more child-led and there is so much emphasis on engaging the children and ensuring all children make progress. I definitely don’t want things to go back to Victorian rows and rote learning of course. But I also do think sometimes that it can set children up to believe that they should always be entertained, stimulated and perfectly challenged at their levels and that all of this should be given to them on a plate.

When I was young, worksheets and textbooks were the norm and I still enjoyed school. Whenever we did a practical activity like an experiment, or a fun lesson like a “solving the mystery using maths” I was absolutely delighted and still remember those lessons to this day.

Now, those “fun” activities are the norm but they can’t just be fun - they have to evidence learning for all pupils and be exactly tailored towards the learning objectives. Not a minute of the class can be “wasted” on non-learning. Teachers are expected to make 30 children constantly learn every minute of the day while still engaging them, supporting them and stimulating their minds.

Unfortunately, when you get older that all stops. My boss does not care whether I am bored, uninterested or would rather do something different. In life you have to do boring things, you have to push yourself instead of expecting everyone to do it for you and you have to take responsibility for your own work ethic.

I highly doubt the class teacher is doing literally no differentiation but I expect that it just isn’t the kind you are looking for.

I really don't think OP was saying her older daughter messed around? Just that she coasted because she was not sufficiently stimulated intellectually at primary and then sadly OP assumed she would pass the 11+ because of her intellect and did not realise the 11+ is (a) just about jumping through very specific hoops, a test language that has to be learned, not a test of intellect per se, and (b) not at all compatible with the curriculum taught at most primary schools.

I absolutely sympathise with OP that the curriculum at state primaries is not stimulating the much cleverer children but I agree with other posters that if the older daughter wants to aim for this kind of academic environment, all is not lost so long as OP gets the relevant tuition and tries for either 13+ or perhaps yearly attempts at crossing over to the grammar she sought. The really upsetting thing for OP is that her only other option is a school where, from how she describes it, her daughter will be further dumbed down and distracted -- perhaps also that this may occur willingly. Personally it seems to me if this school is so awful (and I have real sympathy because that is what it was like where we live, I don't know what I would have done if mine hadn't gone out of catchment to grammar, I guess home schooled), then she has to get her ducks in a row and get planning, but make absolutely sure that she does not convey her sense of disappointment or dislike of the high school to her daughter, whose self-esteem has already been dented by the 11+ mistake. All is not lost but please play a long game and whilst you have time to get the younger daughter's 11+ sorted, the older one can't now develop a chip on her shoulder along with being unstimulated by her current setting.
I still suggest looking at schools outside catchment if you can, for example not that you might want this, but an all-girls' state school can be approached outside catchment on the basis that you want all girls, but these are so often over subscribed. And waiting on waiting lists to schools can often result in a move if you are prepared to wait long enough and keep nudging the receptionist.

On reflection, I’m worried that my post was harsh and also wanted to add some hopefully useful tips to help with learning at home. I understand that you are both tired after school/work but you don’t need to sit and drill her on the life cycle of a flowering plant or fronted adverbials. Presumably you spend time with her outside of work and you can use this for learning that doesn’t feel like learning.

What does she struggle with? Do you read with her? Not just her school books but any book series she likes? Can you take it in turns to read? Discuss the characters you both like. What you think will happen next. Why the character did x and whether she’s ever felt that way before? Talk about a time you’ve felt like the character did. Come up with an opinion statement that you know she will disagree with about a character from the book, model explaining why you think that using examples from the text and get her to disagree with you in the same way. Are there any words she comes across that she hasn’t heard before? What would she guess it means based on the context of the sentence? Let her work it out then look it up in a dictionary. If you are doing this right, it won’t feel like learning or a reading quiz but it’ll be both of you talking, giving opinions and being excited about the book. If you can find a book she loves, you’ve cracked it.

Good reading usually equals good writing but you could also maybe get her a snazzy diary or notebook. Since you work long hours, she could write messages to you about her day and you could write back. It can be a sweet thing you do together.

Or you could write your own story together. She writes the first part and you write the next part and so on. I’ve done this before with a reluctant writer in my family and she loved it and we ended up with six chapters that she was so proud of and brought to school. You could write a family newspaper or newsletter.

There are so many ways in maths. Measuring, fractions, ratios and percentages naturally work well with baking, cooking or even making perfumes. Money works well for calculations, finding fractions of an amount etc. Use maths when it’s natural to use it. Does she like Minecraft? Can you do that together? Can she make something on Minecraft with an area of x blocks and a perimeter of y blocks? Can you work with her to replicate your own house and measure the rooms? I’ve had ten year old children use Minecraft to create human body systems before.

There are endless opportunities for science that I could go into if it helps.

Doing extra stuff with her after school doesn’t need to feel boring. You can incorporate learning into the time you already spend together. Is she crafty? You can make a 3D “city” by making nets on paper and assembling them. Cuboid for a skyscraper and maybe a pyramid on top. Maybe the city needs a triangular prism. What building could that be? How can we make it?

@Plumbuddle OP says that her daughter has become the “class clown” which I took to mean being silly and messing around. Not the biggest crime of the century or anything but if OP is worried about her not being challenged enough, then getting her to focus and behave well in class is a good first step. If I’ve taken class clown the wrong way then I do apologize but it was the impression I got from reading OPs posts.

OP, sending sympathy - it's just really hard to do baking and enrichment activities when stressed and exhausted.

[quote Beckso89]@Plumbuddle OP says that her daughter has become the “class clown” which I took to mean being silly and messing around. Not the biggest crime of the century or anything but if OP is worried about her not being challenged enough, then getting her to focus and behave well in class is a good first step. If I’ve taken class clown the wrong way then I do apologize but it was the impression I got from reading OPs posts.[/quote]
Oh so sorry I did that classic mistake of not reading all her posts. I now have. Gosh I really feel for op. She is spot on that there is no provision for gifted children in state primary in London. It is indeed systemic. I found that long ago, for my eldest who is now 23. It's heartbreaking that her elder daughter is now so turned off. But I can't comfort op that the school will for a moment meet her child's needs now. There is no point feeling let down about this, you just have to accept it. The main thing is to get her stimulus outside and try to help her to set her sights on educating herself through clubs and activities away from her mediocre provision, without letting her be snobbish about the provision. I can see learning more about her job that op can't move home but I still say that she should not let catchment get in the way. For high school I travelled an hour each way in London (to a grammar and an independent), and my sons travelled more than an hour each way to an out of London school. It was an awful pain for my sons who were both Sen as well as very clever but we managed to find a school coach service /club together with other parents to make it possible. You have to do something soon for your older daughter op. If she does not fit into the primary group and is clowning now, then ends up with the same cohort in this high school you think is sub par, then the direction of travel emotionally for her may be really negative. You did say you could not justify private education for one child and not the other, but your older daughter may need more rescuing than your younger at this stage and also your finances may be able to adapt later. I would wonder if it may not be an idea to pay for private fir five years til GCSEs and then move to a nicer state high school for a levels when there is also more scope for going out of catchment. That is what a number of families locally to me have done, to escape the local sink.

OP I'm sorry you have had a lot of harsh responses but I think it's the thread title that has done it. Saying that you feel you have 'utterly let my children down' by making a choice for state education, which is the only choice that the vast vast majority of families in this country have, is going to cause people to feel defensive and is straight forwardly interpreted as a general attack on state education whether you meant that or not.

Many state primary and comprehensive schools do offer a good quality of education. Maybe yours doesn't but, as people have pointed out, the fact that DD1 failed an exam that state education never claimed to be preparing her for is not proof of this.

If you feel that your relationship with the school has broken down and you can't trust them and you are unhappy with the secondary options then maybe the nuclear option of a house/ area move needs to be considered? I can't see how you can ever be happy with her attending the local non grammar options. I do worry there is a danger of a self fulfilling prophecy if you make it obvious that her exam failure is a disappointment to you and that the school she will attend is not good enough. If you spend the whole time tutoring her and redoing exams to get her out of there then that seems as though it will be quite counterproductive. I think that you need a solution you are happy with for next year rather than writing it off in the hope of transferring later.

I do understand what you mean about the trauma this pandemic has wrought. I feel changed by my experiences and things that have happened too and daunted by the next challenge of tackling the backlog with the ever present threat of a next wave. A number of my colleagues are retiring early, reducing hours or moving abroad (back home in many cases) and I often wish I could do the same but can't as the main wage earner. I am kind of glad I don't have the added pressure of school fees and a huge mortgage too. A lot of people are reassessing and making big changes now. A number of my friends are moving out of London this year.

It is true that your children already have an advantage from living with a parent (parents?) who care about their education and I don't think it's necessary to have some entire parallel formal education at home just reading with them daily and discussing what they read, supporting some homework projects at weekends and talking about interesting things over dinner is all that is required and I expect you do that anyway. DD is doing history of medicine as a GCSE module and comes home excited to talk over what she learned. We also talked about a book they are reading in English about metaphors and the use of the phrase 'persistent vegetative state' and how that influences public attitudes. I enjoyed talking about that as much as she did and felt I learnt something too. Also enjoyed researching DS' great grandparents roles in WW2 with him at the weekend. I think doing stuff like that is all the advantage they need and that I don't need to pay for a tutor or get them in a grammar school.

Is it possibly that actually they are OK and you are putting too much pressure on yourself and them?

It's normal to feel like that. We as parents feel guilty all the time . You may feel it more as you were privately educated yourself. It's true many state schools do lag behind and in equal measures there are some great grammar schools. Its also true private schools do afford lot of benefits, facilities, attention to detail and a competitive environment (most do if not all) - my son is privately educated and every boy is nearly 2-3 years ahead of national curriculum. But a lot of work is also done at home. Nearly all parents take a very keen interest at school, lot of hours spent in teaching and nurturing learning at home. The grunt work is actually done at home in my experience. If I were in your place, I would seriously spend money on a tutor/mentor (intense tutoring) to get your daughter upto speed and set her goals for 13+ both grammar (not entirely sure how the state school sector works) and private schools. Lot of the top private schools do provide full bursaries to able students. In the meanwhile, look for other local schools that you feel are much better than the current one and which might be willing to support her academic journey.