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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws and Christmas

370 replies

TurkeyTescos · 25/09/2021 21:06

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 02/10/2021 17:57

Your DH has handled this well. His DM and her family sound mad.

Budapestdreams · 02/10/2021 17:58

Your poor DH, he handled it very well.

worriedatthemoment · 02/10/2021 18:00

Its your dh family follow his advice but make him tell them , its not on you

yeahitsabadidea · 02/10/2021 18:01

Your poor DH. I can't imagine getting to point of blocking my own dm.

It all sounds so bonkers.

Have an awesome Christmas with your new little one.

Jux · 02/10/2021 18:07

Speechless

Littlepaws18 · 02/10/2021 18:08

@Jux

Speechless
Utterly speechless 😶
Jumpingintosummer · 02/10/2021 18:15

I was not expecting that update. The woman clearly has no shame!

Diva66 · 02/10/2021 18:19

@TurkeyTescos what a crazy family! I hope you, your husband and daughter have a wonderful family Christmas at home.

Eddielzzard · 02/10/2021 18:21

No fucking way. Is she incapable of thinking beyond her nose?

SquareWindow · 02/10/2021 18:26

Oh holy shit OP at your latest update! So they still consider their Christmas to be right and think it entirely normal for him to leave his family and go to them? They really are on another planet.

ddl1 · 02/10/2021 18:26

Good lord! They sound quite, quite bizarre. From screaming at your mum in a supermarket, to not letting their kids have Christmas with them after the age of 17, to giving you detailed instructions about how to organize the dinner, to the point of dictating the timing of each course, when YOU are hosting.You are well out of any sort of Christmas with them! Congratulations to your dh, for apparently having grown up reasonably sane, despite having such a parent and other relatives.

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/10/2021 18:43

I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family.

At her instigation.

Don't be a doormat. You already have a DH on-side which is not usually the case. Leave her to it. She and her sisters can make their own plans.

Flowerpower23 · 02/10/2021 18:47

Just tell her she’s welcome to come to your mums and have Christmas dinner cooked by your mums standards, or don’t come. This is a really strange family situation Confused

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 02/10/2021 18:49

Only a completely batshit person would think a father would want to miss his child’s first Christmas.

Oh wait…

As you were.

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/10/2021 18:50

Have you ever found out whose decision it was to leave the kids alone at Christmas from 17 onward?

SunshineCake1 · 02/10/2021 18:52

Love the message about considering him after all these years. I only spent my first Christmas with me mother, she didn't want me then after that and I thought that was bad enough.

Could you invite your FIL to you or Christmas so he can celebrate with his baby grandchild ?

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/10/2021 18:52

It says a lot when your own dh doesn’t want to spend the day with his wife.

TonTonMacoute · 02/10/2021 18:53

Blimey OP, I though the thread with the pervy neighbour with the cage in his cellar was the weirdest thread, but this is like a Wes Anderson film!

Quite impressed at your FIL wangling Christmas Day to himself all this time, but your MIL and her sisters sound breathtakingly bonkersselfish.

I wouldn't be going out of my way to teach her a lesson but she certainly doesn't deserve special treatment and the sisters can do one.

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/10/2021 18:58

Wait, wait, so they weren't welcome at their own home either because FIL was determined to have the place to himself for the day?

Wow... Your DH and his sister really got a pair of weirdos for parents.

Original poster
TurkeyTescos · 02/10/2021 19:04

Thanks for the replies. DH has the letter stuck to the fridge and we do laugh every time we walk passed it. He was talking to his sister today and she hasn't been invited but she's persona non grata with MIL so isn't surprise. She too sees the funny side.

For those asking about cultural differences me and DH are Irish and grew up in the same housing estate together so both are very much working class, we'd be the type normally know for hospitality. MIL had a different upbringing they lived in a big house on the outskirts and she went to private school,. We found after her father died that he was actually worth a couple of million and he owned a lot of prime real estate. He never worked DH was always told he was a business man. The only reason we know how much he was worth is because MIL came to us very upset after the will reading, because even though he had so much he never tried to help her or her sisters out. They were all annoyed he didn't leave anything to them everything was tied up securely for her mums care.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 02/10/2021 19:05

Wow just reading this thread today. Perfect response from your dh!!!

I cannot believe his mother would not spend Christmas with their family after they turned 17 then have the audacity to hope/expect even dream of spending Christmas with you all. You, dh and your dm have been very generous allowing mil to join you and it still isn't enough.

Your mum also sounds pretty awesome. And good on your FIL for not allowing her to change his day after all these years. (Though I guess that is where they will end up. Perhaps if that does happen make sure FIL knows he can come with you if he prefers).

CallmeHendricks · 02/10/2021 19:05

I've read about some nutty Christmasses before but this is INSANE!!!

RedToothBrush · 02/10/2021 19:06

Your MIL would have lost me at the bit where she told me I was hosting her and her sisters and gave a running order for the day!

I'd have told her where to go at that point and wouldn't have bothered with the invitation to your Mum's.

After the performance in the supermarket, I would be going full on NC.

ohfourfoxache · 02/10/2021 19:07

Christ almighty they are batshit Shock

I feel really sad for your DH, imagine having to put up with this shit from your own relatives Sad

toothpicklover · 02/10/2021 19:15

Utterly batshit!!