In Laws and Christmas

[TurkeyTescos]

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

Have never been happier since going NC with my narc of a mother

Btw, please don’t try and force your DH to wear rose coloured glasses and believe that families “should” be like yours was/is… He sounds like he knows exactly where he stands with his Monster. None of her apology was genuine. It was to save face, shift blame and to attempt to guilt trip and manipulate to get what SHE wants and feels entitled to. She did not once hold herself accountable for any bad behaviour that day, nor will she ever look at the pain she has caused her own kids. FIL is just as self-indulgent for allowing this to continue as well. Neither of them has asked DH (or the other siblings) their feelings on the subject because they don’t give a rat’s arse.

over this past year she has felt like everything she holds dear has just slipped away from her and that the thought of not spending Christmas with at least one of her siblings was too much too bear

This is hurtful to your DH in 2 ways. He doesn't come under the 'everything dear' category and also spending Christmas at his house is merely a venue to host her and her siblings, rather than wanting to go there to see him and the grandkids specifically. He's a venue rather than a dear family member. That's absolutely shit and well done both of you for not stepping into that role.

Well done! You have reason to feel very proud of yourself, it's so hard to break the habit of a lifetime, especially when you're being manipulated to the far side of fuck. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

"All I hold dear", that'll be her mum's house? Her mum's still alive, her sisters are all around, she has her own dh and SHE STILL HAS HER SON. What on earth is she talking about? What exactly does she care about ffs?

I'm so sorry for your dh, he must be in a spin, but he has you and your beautiful baby and he knows what's important. My dad is so clear in my head from reading this, I'm so so thankful I appreciated him while he was alive. Poor lost little boys the pair of them. xxxxx

And why, when MIL decided she would spend Xmas without her children did FIL not step in - "hey guys, we'll do it at home ourselves! Never mind yermum ...." - 99% of dads would have done that.

Your poor darling husband, what a mad family he was born into. Sounds like it's going to be fine on the day, well done both of you for being calm and firm.
I just can't get over MIL and her siblings and her parents excluding everyone else, essentially saying with their behaviour that they were the original and best family unit and no one was allowed to encroach on that? It seems to delayed and backward, mature adults being so mean to their own children, in-laws, spouses etc.
I hope you have a lovely day and maybe even give us an update in a few months about how the wicked witches spent their Christmas Day.

Fucking hell, your latest update

For what it's worth, both you and your DH handled it perfectly, with absolute class. Given the rather shit examples he's had for parents, he's clearly a very good man.

There are no words for your MIL other than self-centred, short sighted and overwhelmingly selfish. Her inability to cherish her own children on one of the most magical day for children is beyond most of us. For her and her ilk, the Turkey, so to speak, is coming home to roost.

Your DH deserves love and happiness and, date I say, he will rediscover how magical Christmas is meant to be as your family grows.

*dare I say

Fuck me, they are awful.
Agree that the losing everything she holds dear shows you and DH and DGC are not in that category and merely servants for her Christmas Day with her sister and she doesn’t want to see you. Says a lot that FIL told them they weren’t welcome in his house!

Oh and I totally recon she only apologised as she read on MN that she was batshit, and she still disagrees but thought she knew how to get you onside again and serve her by apologising,

Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year?

After the disgusting way they behaved? Certainly not. You'd be enabling this craziness and opening yourself to more of the same, possibly every year.

You've already been very magnanimous in stating a wish to put it behind you. That's commendable. But people like this need to be shown that actions have consequences, and that you are not going to tolerate your mother's being spoken to in that way. Accepting her apology is one thing - an apology she should have been making directly to your mum - reissuing the invitation, quite another.

And as for the 'instructions ....'

Don't you dare be a bloody doormat op!!
Have yourself and dh a lovely Xmas. Why would you sacrifice that for such an undeserving battle axe?

Now you've got DD, maybe it would be nice for you and DH to plan your own traditions too. He might not have had Christmas throughout his childhood but that doesn't mean that he can't now start to plan amazing ones for you all - and none of it has to cost a fortune either.

Christmas for me is about hanging out together as a family enjoying time off work and school to relax and it starts on the 22nd and finishes on the 1st in our house, it's not just a day.

Our Christmas traditions include Dad and DS building a gingerbread house (I bake it, they assemble and decorate it) on Christmas Eve, at the table while I'm prepping for the next day with a glass of wine. They build the crib out of lego. That's been interesting some years!
We get our tree from a tree farm. And we get a couple of meaningful decorations for the tree every year.

We do nights where we inflate a bed in the living room, snuggle in and watch a Christmas movie. There's ice skating or going to see the Christmas markets or a Santa visit. We wrap up and walk the legs off us in the woods and come home to hot chocolate. We do twee matching family PJs. And I cook great food.

In Ireland, there's also a tradition I like - Nollaig na mBan or Women's Christmas. On the 6th January, the day Christmas is officially over here, traditionally the women of the family would go off with her friends or sisters on a nice day out as a reward for all her hard work for the family. So it could be afternoon tea, or a shopping trip but these days it can be quite elaborate with some doing a weekend in New York or a posh spa weekend with their sisters or mothers. No kids or spouses allowed.

But if anyone has any scrap of Irish heritage, I reckon they could claim it - if they are women who do the heavy lifting of Christmas, I'd recommend it.

I feel really sad for dh but think you all handled MIL correctly.

So we've definitely went down the bonkers rabbit hole this morning. An invitation arrived for DH to attend Christmas dinner in his Aunt's house (the one who shouted at my mum in the supermarket). No mention of me and DD.

She's obviously created and printed it from her home computer. It is an A4 sheet in black and white with DHs name and a request to join his family for Christmas dinner at 19.00 in her house. There is some random Christmas clip art along with a picture of his DM and all the aunts wearing Xmas jumpers.

There is no stamp so she must have slipped it through the letterbox early this morning. DH has texted her to say he won't be attending but thanks for finally considering him after all these years, he then blocked her number

Holy god Op! These people are crazy! How cruel they are to your DH

Excellent response from your husband.

@TurkeyTescos

So we've definitely went down the bonkers rabbit hole this morning. An invitation arrived for DH to attend Christmas dinner in his Aunt's house (the one who shouted at my mum in the supermarket). No mention of me and DD.

She's obviously created and printed it from her home computer. It is an A4 sheet in black and white with DHs name and a request to join his family for Christmas dinner at 19.00 in her house. There is some random Christmas clip art along with a picture of his DM and all the aunts wearing Xmas jumpers.

There is no stamp so she must have slipped it through the letterbox early this morning. DH has texted her to say he won't be attending but thanks for finally considering him after all these years, he then blocked her number

Wow she has such a nerve!

Hahaha! What planet do they live on?!

Well, sounds like the sisters are now settled on the location of their celebrations, so all is well. 😂

Did he not point out that he exceeded the age limit by some considerable margin.

Totally bonkers

What an absolutely bonkers update! His aunts invited your husband alone, to their Christmas Dinner?! She actually thinks your husband would leave his wife and child behind, for someone who has never bothered with him (at any previous Christmas) before?! They are actually shit crazy! 🤪

I think you just have to laugh at this point.

You've dealt with this with such dignity & calmness, & your family Christmases sound lovely

Well she’s a gift that keeps on giving!

Please unblock we need the madness!

I don't blame your DH one iota for blocking her, he's had years of being hurt by her. What kind of mum tells their teenage child they're no longer welcome to spend Christmas with them?! That's just horrible and cruel. Frankly, his dad is just as bad though, because he selfishly went along with MIL's plan so he could have the house to himself every year.

Bloody hell, they are actually bonkers. And not in a good way.