In Laws and Christmas

[TurkeyTescos]

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

Wow! She’s relentless isn’t she. Especially out of order bearing in mind your fertility issues and wanting to spend time with you and baby. Great response and totally appropriate.

Well if nothing else it meant your DH finally got to say his piece to them. Although they seem to be a family that thrives on divisions and now they want to separate your wee family at Xmas.

The cheek of them

Listen to your dh on this. I tried to bring his family together when he said not to bother & they went out of their way to spoil the day.

He fore-saw it and I gave people the benefit of the doubt. As they were leaving he was giving me his “told you so” look 🙂

Wow.. totally totally crazy
Was it his mom or his aunt he replied to you?

Bloody hell they are bonkers. I have just read the thread open mouthed but then the invite update came along. How do they not realise it’s all mad?

How do they not realise this isn’t normal?

What mental olympics do they need to do to think that is acceptable? Good on DH for his reply!

That is quite a nerve isn't it!

Oh well now you have the freedom to enjoy your baby first Christmas peacefully with your family knowing that MIL has her own arrangements to which your beautiful DD is not expected or indeed invited!

Wow!

Power to your DH for responding so calmly about 'after all these years' they've finally considered his feelings in all this.

Wankers

Hope she stays blocked for a while.

Excuse me for asking but is your DH's family from a different culture?

I can honestly say I have never heard of anything so weird in relation to Christmas, hence I wondered if it was possibly a cultural thing.

Cultural or not it is definitely batshit crazy!

MIL says she doesn't know what came over her, that over this past year she has felt like everything she holds dear has just slipped away from her and that the thought of not spending Christmas with at least one of her siblings was too much too bear.

But that doesn’t explain why she demanded you cook dinner and demanded it a certain way.

Tell her to fuck off.

Off topic a bit, but can I say what a relief it is to see the old mil and Christmas threads back again. It’s like the dove returning to Noah’s ark….

Bloody hell, they’re just nuts!

I think your Dh’s reply was spot on.

Ah well, everything that your mil holds dear will be there as your mil will spend it with one of her sisters. Good on you both for standing firm. Blocking his aunt’s number so he didn’t have to get into more weird and wonderful debates.

I've had a drink but this has entertained me SO much!! I'm so sorry cause I know it's probably stressing you out but it has made me realise that our family christmas-arrangements-drama is NOTHING compared to the madness that some people face!

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas with your bubs and the family who have made it clear you are their everything. You sound lovely, don't get sucked into the madness.

I had to laugh at the FIL spending Xmas day with the cat, I bet he looks forward to it all year hahaha I know my DF did, he spent many Xmas days on his own with the cat, guinea pigs, budgies or what ever pets they had. But that was because my mum worked a lot of Christmas days from when we were early teens. She’d rather work Xmas day so she was guaranteed NY Eve off. DF would be around and we’d see her at some point when we were younger ( she worked 24hr shifts). As we got older DF always refused invites, he’d happily pop in see the grandkids, then be off, his idea of heaven was doing the rounds of seeing my Nan when she was alive (she would always spend Christmas Day alone), my aunts & uncles, maybe an elderly neighbour, then he’d meet his brothers for a Christmas pint before going home to watch a western on his own with a few cans and what ever stew or curry he’d cooked up the night before, he loved the peace and quiet.

As for your situation OP, fuck that, I’d tell her to fuck right off. I hope you DH tells her she not welcome at your house again until she apologised to both your DM and you.

As a side question, is it a cultural thing? Also what about the sisters partners, where they ever invited? It’s all very weird, we’re the parents controlling of their daughters lives?

This is the post that keeps on giving

@DollyPartBaked

I think you just have to laugh at this point.

True, hopefully that's the case at this stage @TurkeyTescos. I wonder if any more of the cousins have been invited, despite being well over 17.

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

Your DH is correct and furthermore this is his family, his decision.

Leave her and her poisonous sister to it. Not your problem.

So crazy

Your DH must be such a good person to have emerged sane and able to be happy after such a dysfunctional upbringing!

FIL is just as bad as MIL, enabling this stuff.

This is the most utterly bonkers family I've ever read about on MN.
Your DH is absolutely right, enjoy your Christmas with your family, your DH and your lovely baby, and don't give your mad MIL another thought.

Well done to your DH. I'd have told her to shove it up her arse personally, but what he did was certainly more pleasant.

And I'm sure the 1% voting YABU have done it by mistake - unless your in-laws are on mumsnet?

It's a while since I've read a thread with my jaw on the floor, but this one qualifies. Your poor husband! I cannot imagine being raised by a family that makes it clear that your presence is only being tolerated because you're a child, upon adulthood you will not be welcome. Well, less welcome than a child, they weren't exactly welcome either, were they? Growing up, knowing that your mother was just waiting until you were 17; and your dad making it clear he didn't want you around either.

"I always step in with communications between DH and MIL he has zero patience with her which is the opposite demeanor he has with everyone else. After her behaviour I think he is right keeping her at arms length and I should just let him deal with her instead of trying to make everything nice and keep everyone happy."
You should probably have picked up more on how your husband feels about his mother, but when you come from a normal family with a loving upbringing it can be hard to get your head around just how much damage crap parents like his can cause. But now you know! No more trying to keep everyone happy. Your MIL made her bed a long time ago, and she did it deliberately. How your DH wants to deal with her (or not), follow his lead. He deserves that respect. Likewise his father - he made no effort to step up on his parenting to counter his wife's disdain for her own children, and so I'd hold him just as responsible. He might not have instigated his wife's behaviour, but his own did nothing to counter it's effects.

"MIL says she doesn't know what came over her, that over this past year she has felt like everything she holds dear has just slipped away from her and that the thought of not spending Christmas with at least one of her siblings was too much too bear."
Just confirming that she has never, and on this showing never will, hold her own children dear. Holy fuck, salt in the raw wounds! I really cannot fathom your MIL and her sisters, they sound like a cult not a family.

"DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves."
Quite right too. I'd absolutely minimise any contact I had with them.

Cripes, the invitation to your dh is next level bonkers, well done to him for the way he has handled both his mum and the strange invite.

They'll get the message eventually that they have reaped what they have sown. You sound like a kind and decent person TurkeyTescos that is why your instinct was to include your MIL, don't be ashamed of feeling like that just don't act on it!