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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or prudish, to want a bit more privacy?

185 replies

MrsSeal · 25/09/2021 08:59

I find this really annoying and wondering if I’m being unreasonable or not. I’m not really looking for advice as he will stop if I say so but I don’t know if just saying so is unreasonable.

Whenever I have a shower or bath, DH will come in. Sometimes to talk to me, sometimes to look for something.

He also will wait in the adjoining bedroom so I can’t get dressed without an audience.

I probably am a bit prudish but I do feel a bit exposed and uncomfortable standing there without any clothes on. I just don’t like it and would prefer to shower and dress without an audience!

So AIBU or prudish?

OP posts:
Iloveabourbon2 · 25/09/2021 11:54

I don't think it's fair to call your DH a perv. Honestly just tell him beforehand that you don't feel comfortable.

MyPatronusIsACat · 25/09/2021 11:55

@TheBillboardsAreLeering

Just because YOU are OK with people 'popping in and out' of the bathroom while you are having a shower or a shit - VOM - that doesn't give you the right to sneer at, and look down on people who don't like it/don't WANT it.

Have a word with yourself! Hmm

TheBillboardsAreLeering · 25/09/2021 11:55

Way to prove my point about people on here being so over the top lol

TheBillboardsAreLeering · 25/09/2021 11:56

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@TheBillboardsAreLeering

Just because YOU are OK with people 'popping in and out' of the bathroom while you are having a shower or a shit - VOM - that doesn't give you the right to sneer at, and look down on people who don't like it/don't WANT it.

Have a word with yourself! Hmm[/quote]
I didn't do any of those things. Feels like you're not properly reading the thread tbh

Bellringer · 25/09/2021 11:56

Too needy, no boundaries, you are not on 24 hour call.

WildfirePonie · 25/09/2021 11:58

What does he need to get from the bathroom? Can't it bloody wait?

Bluemum73 · 25/09/2021 11:59

I've been seeing my partner for over 2 years and he's never seen me fully naked,
He is really understanding to my needs, you're entitled to your privacy and he should respect that.

Iloveabourbon2 · 25/09/2021 11:59

@BrendaBubbles

It’s very grim. Just because there is no physical contact, it doesn’t mean consent goes out of the window. I expect DH to knock and ask for permission to come into a room where I’m naked, getting changed or on the toilet etc. Just because we are married does not mean he gets to see me in a state of undress without my willing consent.
Each to their own. But I think this is too far. I can understand the bathroom thing. But having to knock to enter a shared bedroom in your own house is too far. If your partner was stood staring then yes I would feel uncomfortable too but just to nip in and out... surely you would be used to your own DH/partner.
OoglyMoogly · 25/09/2021 12:09

@VitalsStable

It doesn't bother anyone in our family. I've had 16 year old DS pop in to ask me something when I'm on the loo and he came in to give me my Mother's Day card when I was getting dressed and just had my jeans on. The cuddle was a bit weird but none of us are too bothered about seeing each other naked. When they come in and say it smells in here when I'm having a poo I just tell them I'm having a pop and of course it smells 🙄. DH will brush his teeth whilst I'm showering or have a wee whilst I'm brushing my teeth, I figure he's seen me naked too much for it to be an issue.

If it's a problem for you though you need to address it with your DH, he may just not be aware that you don't like it.

Now I find that really weird. Confused if you're on the toilet, shitting why is anyone walking in? What is that important it can't wait a few minutes?
Footballfam · 25/09/2021 12:10

Everyone deserves time out and privacy. DH loves a bath and although he wouldn't care if I came in to perv 😊 it's his main solitude time. By the same token I have a timeout when I want to read and relax for a couple of hours. He knows not to disrupt it and wouldn't.

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/09/2021 12:11

I would hate that. It's privacy you lack its respect.

BarbedButterfly · 25/09/2021 12:15

This is totally normal for us and we both quite like chatting if one of us is in the bath or shower, but it doesn't really matter what is normal for others if you aren't comfortable with it. You are entitled to your own boundaries so just ask him to stop doing it or lock the door.

Coogee · 25/09/2021 12:17

*I expect DH to knock and ask for permission to come into a room where I’m naked, getting changed or on the toilet etc..

Apart from the toilet bit, I find that just plain weird.

However, as somebody already said, each to their own.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/09/2021 12:18

@awholenewworlda

"None of our bathrooms have locks - if the door is closed we would assume someone is in there. We have vacant/occupied signs for the door if visitors are here. "

I absolutely hate it when I go to other people's houses and there is no lock on the bathroom door. I always feel on edge, especially when I am on the toilet, ready to shout out to any small child that might decide they want the toilet at the same time.

I don't have a lock on my bathroom door and it really bothers me. It opens outwards so I can't block it shut either and I can't put a lock on as I'm renting. I tell visitors that lights on means occupied, but because of Covid I haven't had many people round yet and I'm sure some people won't respect that.
GoodnightGrandma · 25/09/2021 12:19

Get a lock on the bathroom and bedroom door, and use both.
Me and DH don’t share a bedroom any more , so there’s no way I want him seeing me naked.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/09/2021 12:20

@LukeEvansWife

Separate note - how the hell do people have so many bathrooms?
Seems to be the norm on MN to have more than one. I was surprised by 4 loos though.
MyPatronusIsACat · 25/09/2021 12:21

@BarbedButterfly

This is totally normal for us and we both quite like chatting if one of us is in the bath or shower, but it doesn't really matter what is normal for others if you aren't comfortable with it. You are entitled to your own boundaries so just ask him to stop doing it or lock the door.
Exactly this. ^ As I said earlier, it's fine if a person is OK with it, but to assume because YOU are, that everyone else should be, (and is a weird prude if they're not,) is just arrogant.
Mulhollandmagoo · 25/09/2021 12:25

I think this is one of those things thats person specific, my husband will often come and sit and have a chat with me whilst I'm in the bath and I'm OK with that, but you'll see from other posters some really don't like it at all so there is no right or wrong answer.

I have voted YANBU though, purely because if it makes you feel uncomfortable or you'd just rather he didn't do it so you could have some peace in the bath then tell him to stop, regardless of what other people's opinions are. You should be able to relax in the bath comfortably and in peace

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 12:28

@OoglyMoogly Not to mention the hug which even the poster said was awkward. That sounds creepy at 16.

ironorchids · 25/09/2021 12:30

If you're uncomfortable with it, that's what matters.

For me, this wouldn't bother me at all. It would be unusual for me or DP to be remotely bothered by the other one coming into the bathroom while we're showing or on the loo. We do it frequently just to chat, or because the other person also wants to do something in the bathroom.

Sometimes we'll ask the other to leave if one of us on the toilet and it's a number 2, for some privacy, but 90% of the time, neither one of us bothered if the other's there.

I assume once we have kids and they're out of the baby stage, we'll start locking the bathroom door again.

MasterBeth · 25/09/2021 12:30

If it’s prudish to not want people in the same room shitting then I am a massive prude.

Being there when I shower, if you really have to, except why not wait to talk when I’m out of the shower and can hear you?

MasterBeth · 25/09/2021 12:36

@Gwenhwyfar I was surprised by 4 loos though.

How can you be surprised that some people have four toilets? You must be able to conceive of a big house. We have three toilets in a not especially large 4 bed house: en-suite, downstairs loo, family bathroom.

ironorchids · 25/09/2021 12:38

*showering, not showing!
I wouldn't bat an eyelid if DP walked in during a shower or bath.

But that's no reason that anyone else should be ok with the same things we are. Do what makes you most comfortable.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 12:40

[quote MasterBeth]**@Gwenhwyfar* I was surprised by 4 loos though.*

How can you be surprised that some people have four toilets? You must be able to conceive of a big house. We have three toilets in a not especially large 4 bed house: en-suite, downstairs loo, family bathroom.[/quote]
I don't know anyone who has more than two, max!

PercyPiginaWig · 25/09/2021 12:42

@10yearwarranty

It wouldn't bother me if it was an occasional thing, but if it was every time I'd tell him to piss off I wanted some privacy. I have to say - nobody is ever coming in to the bathroom when I am in the bath or shower to have a shit. That's bloody minging, especially if there is another toilet available!
Wholeheartedly agree that no one could come into the bathroom for a poo if I'm having a bath. (Also have other toilets available and DH and I close the door to go to the toilet). We don't close the door to shower and him being there wouldn't bother me, I happily lounge about the bedroom without any clothes on but it bothers OP and it doesn't mean she's a prude, just that she likes that level of privacy and it should absolutely be respected.