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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or prudish, to want a bit more privacy?

185 replies

MrsSeal · 25/09/2021 08:59

I find this really annoying and wondering if I’m being unreasonable or not. I’m not really looking for advice as he will stop if I say so but I don’t know if just saying so is unreasonable.

Whenever I have a shower or bath, DH will come in. Sometimes to talk to me, sometimes to look for something.

He also will wait in the adjoining bedroom so I can’t get dressed without an audience.

I probably am a bit prudish but I do feel a bit exposed and uncomfortable standing there without any clothes on. I just don’t like it and would prefer to shower and dress without an audience!

So AIBU or prudish?

OP posts:
doublemonkey · 25/09/2021 11:18

There are other toilets in the house but it's ok for partner and children to come into the bathroom to take a shit whilst you're in there naked??

💩💩🤮🤦🏻‍♀️

BrendaBubbles · 25/09/2021 11:20

It’s very grim. Just because there is no physical contact, it doesn’t mean consent goes out of the window. I expect DH to knock and ask for permission to come into a room where I’m naked, getting changed or on the toilet etc. Just because we are married does not mean he gets to see me in a state of undress without my willing consent.

Cherrysoup · 25/09/2021 11:23

I give my dh privacy, he gives me the same. I don’t need to be in the same room the whole time and I and he is entitled to shut the door on the other if wanted.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 11:26

It's not even about consent for me - even if you have one bathroom in the house, when someone is in there, you don't go in. People seem to see it as a badge of pride that their husband and/or all their kids will wander in when they are having a bath.

awholenewworlda · 25/09/2021 11:28

"None of our bathrooms have locks - if the door is closed we would assume someone is in there. We have vacant/occupied signs for the door if visitors are here. "

I absolutely hate it when I go to other people's houses and there is no lock on the bathroom door. I always feel on edge, especially when I am on the toilet, ready to shout out to any small child that might decide they want the toilet at the same time.

Spiindoctor · 25/09/2021 11:33

I think it could be a bit ''you are mine to use as I see fit' My wishes to leer are more important than yours for privacy.
It depends on how he behaves.

PinkTonic · 25/09/2021 11:33

@Hont1986

OP: "I want privacy in the bathroom" Thread: "There is a device installed on your bathroom door that will give you privacy" OP: "I don't want to use it!"
It’s rude and disrespectful to go into the bathroom if someone is in there with the door shut. It really shouldn’t be necessary to physically prevent entry. Constantly going in whenever the OP is bathing or showering and hanging about in the bedroom until she comes out is weird and I’d tell him straight to give me some space.
Porcupineintherough · 25/09/2021 11:37

Its rude and disrespectful to go into the bathroom if someone is in there with the door shut

The thing is, this is something- a rule or standard if you like- that you have made up. It's not one of the 10 commandments. As you can see from this thread different people have different rules in this respect and that's fine. But you do need to communicate them and something as simple as locking a door really helps simplify things.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 11:37

@Spiindoctor

I think it could be a bit ''you are mine to use as I see fit' My wishes to leer are more important than yours for privacy. It depends on how he behaves.
I think that might be overegging it a bit - you see threads on here where families just wander in and out at will. If someone is brought up like that, it may be that they don't understand that their attitude is different to other people, and that the one who wants privacy always trumps the other.
MyPatronusIsACat · 25/09/2021 11:38

@doublemonkey

There are other toilets in the house but it's ok for partner and children to come into the bathroom to take a shit whilst you're in there naked??

💩💩🤮🤦🏻‍♀️

Exactly. Now THAT ^ is 'pervy!'
TheBillboardsAreLeering · 25/09/2021 11:40

@Porcupineintherough

Its rude and disrespectful to go into the bathroom if someone is in there with the door shut

The thing is, this is something- a rule or standard if you like- that you have made up. It's not one of the 10 commandments. As you can see from this thread different people have different rules in this respect and that's fine. But you do need to communicate them and something as simple as locking a door really helps simplify things.

Agreed. If OP has told her husband she wants privacy and he's ignored it, that's a problem. But she even said IF she told him to stop he'd stop! But.. she hasn't told him...? Why not??

I walk in and out of the bedroom/bathroom if needed while my husband showers/changes. He does to me. Actually 90% of the time we're showering/changing together. It's a total non-issue to us. But we both know that and are fine with it. If one of us wasn't, we'd obviously have to tell the other one for them to know! We're not mind readers.

MyPatronusIsACat · 25/09/2021 11:41

@BrendaBubbles

It’s very grim. Just because there is no physical contact, it doesn’t mean consent goes out of the window. I expect DH to knock and ask for permission to come into a room where I’m naked, getting changed or on the toilet etc. Just because we are married does not mean he gets to see me in a state of undress without my willing consent.
100% this. ^ A man doesn't have an automatic right to look at, and touch his wife's naked body. She is entitled to privacy. And to not be groped and stared at. And to be able to have a bath/shower/shit etc, without him coming into the bathroom in the middle of it!
LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 11:43

It's not even just sexual. Why would you have ANYONE in the bathroom when you are in there - whether they are 1 year or 101 years old?

Ninkanink · 25/09/2021 11:43

@MrsSeal

If I say stop, he will. I don’t need to lock the door and tbh should not have to. I was just wondering what the consensus was.
You shouldn’t have to tell him more than once - tell him straight out that you would like privacy every time. That you don’t appreciate him coming into the bathroom nor hanging out in the room when you’re changing. Unless he’s an absolute idiot or a huge dick he should be able to comply going forward. If he doesn’t I’d have a big problem with that, tbh, as it shows a complete lack of regard for your clearly stated boundaries.
idontlikealdi · 25/09/2021 11:43

I used to be ok with it, now I've got the 'ick' and doors are firmly shut.

Familiarity breeds contempt and all that.

WildfirePonie · 25/09/2021 11:44

What's he waiting in the bedroom for? Just to watch you get dressed? Ick!

If you don't like it then you don't. I wouldn't like it either. Take your clothes into the bathroom and lock the door.

superram · 25/09/2021 11:44

Yanbu, it wouldn’t bother me and we are always in and out but you should have privacy if you want it!

TheBillboardsAreLeering · 25/09/2021 11:45

Some people on here are so over the top. OP said he comes in to talk to her or get something. Not to grope and leer! Just normal behaviour if you've never been asked not to do it!

santabetterwashhishands · 25/09/2021 11:46

It wouldn't bother me and I'd not even notice to be honest but I have children who are always around when I'm in the bath or dressing ect so there's always some kind of audience 🤷‍♀️

TheBillboardsAreLeering · 25/09/2021 11:46

@LukeEvansWife

It's not even just sexual. Why would you have ANYONE in the bathroom when you are in there - whether they are 1 year or 101 years old?
Why wouldn't I? If my husband needs to ask me something or get something from the bedroom or bathroom while I'm in there, it's not an issue for me any more than if he needs to talk to me or get something from the living room while I watch TV.
OoglyMoogly · 25/09/2021 11:48

Bathroom is me time. Music, book, candles and a cuppa (sometimes wine) if that door is shut DH stays out.

We have 4 loos so never had someone on the lol while I bathe.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 11:49

But unless you are in the bathroom all day, nobody needs to interrupt you unless it's an emergency.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 11:49

Separate note - how the hell do people have so many bathrooms?

TheBillboardsAreLeering · 25/09/2021 11:51

@LukeEvansWife

But unless you are in the bathroom all day, nobody needs to interrupt you unless it's an emergency.
No but if it's not an issue to either of you then there's no need to wait. It's literally a non-event. No different to talking to me in the kitchen or living room or hallway.

Most of the time we are in the bathroom together showering/brushing teeth/shaving/moisturising/getting dressed/etc. anyway tbh.

MyPatronusIsACat · 25/09/2021 11:53

@TheBillboardsAreLeering

Some people on here are so over the top. OP said he comes in to talk to her or get something. Not to grope and leer! Just normal behaviour if you've never been asked not to do it!
Way to minimise the OP's concerns and worries. Victim blaming at its finest. Hmm