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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or prudish, to want a bit more privacy?

185 replies

MrsSeal · 25/09/2021 08:59

I find this really annoying and wondering if I’m being unreasonable or not. I’m not really looking for advice as he will stop if I say so but I don’t know if just saying so is unreasonable.

Whenever I have a shower or bath, DH will come in. Sometimes to talk to me, sometimes to look for something.

He also will wait in the adjoining bedroom so I can’t get dressed without an audience.

I probably am a bit prudish but I do feel a bit exposed and uncomfortable standing there without any clothes on. I just don’t like it and would prefer to shower and dress without an audience!

So AIBU or prudish?

OP posts:
Tresal · 25/09/2021 10:33

How do people get dressed every day without their DH seeing them? That sounds like a lot of bother. What happens when you are both in a rush and have to get changed.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 10:34

And I have never moved anywhere with more than one bathroom/toilet.

I think it's weird that people let their children wander in or their DH.

VitalsStable · 25/09/2021 10:40

It doesn't bother anyone in our family. I've had 16 year old DS pop in to ask me something when I'm on the loo and he came in to give me my Mother's Day card when I was getting dressed and just had my jeans on. The cuddle was a bit weird but none of us are too bothered about seeing each other naked. When they come in and say it smells in here when I'm having a poo I just tell them I'm having a pop and of course it smells 🙄. DH will brush his teeth whilst I'm showering or have a wee whilst I'm brushing my teeth, I figure he's seen me naked too much for it to be an issue.

If it's a problem for you though you need to address it with your DH, he may just not be aware that you don't like it.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 10:43

Did your DH grow up in the kind of easy going environment people are describing here? Sounds like he might have and that he needs to understand that wanting privacy trumps that.

Hont1986 · 25/09/2021 10:43

I think the 'I shouldn't have to lock the door' attitude is very weird. I lock the bathroom door even when I'm living alone!

MyPatronusIsACat · 25/09/2021 10:43

100% totally NOT being unreasonable @MrsSeal

My DH used to be a bit like this quite a number of years ago, until I educated him and told him it is NOT OK. Some men have no boundaries and think they own their wife.

My DH used to grope my boobs and tap me on the arse as I was passing, 'I am only doing it affectionately' he would say. I said 'I don't give a shit. I don't like it!' It was several years before he properly stopped. He was only young, and very immature then though.

I don't want DH - or anyone else in the bathroom when I'm having a shower, or a wash, or even putting on my make up and doing my hair. I am entitled to my privacy FFS. Having a wedding ring/wedding certificate, doesn't mean my DH has a right to dominate my private space, and gawp at, and grope me when it suits him.

And as for the poster(s) saying they have a shit in the bathroom when their DH is in the bath; that's fucking vile. It just is. What a disgusting thing to do. Call me a pearl clutcher. I would rather be that, than someone who acts like an animal, shitting in front of other people ...

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 10:46

I've had 16 year old DS pop in to ask me something when I'm on the loo and he came in to give me my Mother's Day card when I was getting dressed and just had my jeans on. The cuddle was a bit weird but none of us are too bothered about seeing each other naked.

Shock Wow. That is definitely weird that you wouldn't just ask him to hang on while you finished getting dressed. Or at least wait to hug him until you had

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 10:48

And prudish is a shitty word - meant to keep (usually women) from having boundaries

Antinerak · 25/09/2021 10:52

DH and I don't mind each other in the same bathroom or room when getting dressed but it's certainly not everytime I'm having a shower that he walks in. If he started doing what your DH does I'd be having a word about boundaries.

You aren't prudish, you're quite normal! It's odd behaviour considering you're not inviting him in. It's especially odd that he waits in the bedroom.

CreamPantsuit · 25/09/2021 10:53

Having a shit while someone else is in the bath or shower is absolutely rank.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 10:54

@CreamPantsuit

Having a shit while someone else is in the bath or shower is absolutely rank.
I thought of this too Grin

'I'm fine'

RosesAndHellebores · 25/09/2021 10:55

I've been thinking about what we do having read the thread. The ensuite is mine and tbf, dd will often come in and have a chat when I'm in the bath; DH usually asks where something is or why he's only got two pressed hankies in his drawer or why he's down to x shirts Hmm.

However, Monday to Saturday I shower and hop in while DH is in the bath in the main bathroom which is his. I get dressed and out of the bedroom before he comes back because otherwise he is constantly in the way and seems unable to contain himself in the part of the room where his wardrobes are.

Years and years ago when we only had one bathroom he used to shave while I showered or had a bath which wasn't a problem but we were less set in our ways and 30 years or so younger.

hangrylady · 25/09/2021 10:56

It wouldn't really bother me but then the kids always decide they need a poo when I'm in the bath. Even the cat comes in for a look Grin

Porcupineintherough · 25/09/2021 10:56

Saying you want to be private but refusing to lock the bathroom door is weird tbh. Locking the door is exactly how we indicate we want privacy in our house.

Hont1986 · 25/09/2021 10:59

OP: "I want privacy in the bathroom"
Thread: "There is a device installed on your bathroom door that will give you privacy"
OP: "I don't want to use it!"

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 10:59

@hangrylady

It wouldn't really bother me but then the kids always decide they need a poo when I'm in the bath. Even the cat comes in for a look Grin
Ah now the cat is different. When I lived on my own the cats would wander in!
dementedma · 25/09/2021 11:00

I'm always surprised at people who will happily have a shit while someone else is in the bathroom, or let someone else do it. I find that really gross. No bathroom sharing here. ( and we only have one)

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 25/09/2021 11:01

The consensus will be
All families and people are different and are allowed to choose how you bathe get dressed the same way as you choose what you like to eat!

Some people like privacy when shower or bathing.
Some walk around naked and bath or toilet in front of each other and family

Most are somewhere in-between more towards the privacy in bathroom bit...

I hate people watching me get dressed - I say "can I get changed please - out you go- and shut/ lock my bedroom door (as have teenagers who barge in) . Unless it was morning before work and we were both getting ready...

I got used to interruptions when I'm in shower or Bath- 3small DCs and early morning rush for work so someone could use toilet if desperate but I generally lock the door and don't want to be disturbed when I'm in shower or rare bath. I'm the worlds quickest shower taker tho

It isn't prudish to want privacy when washing drying or changing anymore than it is perverted to not mind being in same room as your spouse whilst drying and changing or they are drying and changing

You do you OP and tell your DH to give you privacy in the bathroom and in the bedroom .

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 11:03

I was also taught to knock on bedroom doors from the age of 5 so I would hate people barging in.

But then I'm come from a time without co-sleeping etc

HarrisMcCoo · 25/09/2021 11:03

I get like this too, not just you OP. Lock door. It's the best way forward. I just struggle with lack of personal space each day. Too many people in a small space.

Comedycook · 25/09/2021 11:03

@Bluntness100

That’s weird and Pervy. Either he’s no boundaries and doesn’t see the issue of he’s a perv and knows it bothers you.
It's not pervy...they're a couple. But I do understand the op...I prefer to get washed/dressed alone
GoodForTheSoul · 25/09/2021 11:09

@WinterBerry7

My DP does this, but he really does think it’s a ‘nice’ thing to do. Like it’s a time to catch up or something. He also likes me to sit and talk to him if he’s having a shower or bath! I like to shower/bath in peace and not feel like I’m on display, whereas he looks at it like a ‘couple’ thing, almost like intimacy. It’s taken us a while to find a balance!
My DH is the same! We have a good catch up on his day when he's showering after coming home from work Grin

I don't mind it at all, the amount of time we spend around eachother naked, it doesn't even cross my mind as unusual tbh!

Although yes, draw the line on using the toilet, not sure we could continue any sort of intimacy after witnessing that Confused

AmorFati · 25/09/2021 11:10

I'm not a prude, I don't have any problem being naked around a partner, but I think that a man who is always following you into the bathroom, seeking your attention, not giving you a break when you might be focused on yourself is showing a red flag.

I might be over sensitive. This is one of the hundred passive controlling things that my ex used to do to me, and he'd always excuse himself "I'm just like that!" and never stopped. He was a Ruiner of small pleasures, a maker of tiny rules, a breaker of boundaries, and a master of little doses of contempt.

Naunet · 25/09/2021 11:14

It's not pervy...they're a couple. But I do understand the op...I prefer to get washed/dressed alone

Men are perfectly capable of behaving pervy towards their partners - surely you know that?

AmorFati · 25/09/2021 11:15

Sorry, posted too soon. Meant to say:
No, OP, you absolutely are not unreasonable to want him to stop interrupting every shower and lurking in the bedroom, to tell him to stop, and to hold that boundary.