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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or prudish, to want a bit more privacy?

185 replies

MrsSeal · 25/09/2021 08:59

I find this really annoying and wondering if I’m being unreasonable or not. I’m not really looking for advice as he will stop if I say so but I don’t know if just saying so is unreasonable.

Whenever I have a shower or bath, DH will come in. Sometimes to talk to me, sometimes to look for something.

He also will wait in the adjoining bedroom so I can’t get dressed without an audience.

I probably am a bit prudish but I do feel a bit exposed and uncomfortable standing there without any clothes on. I just don’t like it and would prefer to shower and dress without an audience!

So AIBU or prudish?

OP posts:
Mantlemoose · 25/09/2021 09:31

Bedroom wouldn't bother me but bathroom yes. Only one person in at a time. Anyone who is desperate for loo the person in bath/shower will vacate. Not prudish just not interested in anyone elses toilet habits. A bit of personal dignity goes a long way in my relationship.

Mermaidpool · 25/09/2021 09:33

On the odd occasion when dh needs to speak to me it get something from the bathroom he knocks and asks to come in as would I. The hanging around in the bedroom would bother me as it seems a deliberate way to not give you privacy.

GoWalkabout · 25/09/2021 09:35

I prefer to dress alone so I can be vain and check the mirror a lot, but I try to relax about that. I don't lock bathroom door but wouldn't want dh to come in, unless for a one off surprise me in the shower in a nice way. There's a compromise here, but just communicate and respect each other.

littlemissmagic · 25/09/2021 09:36

I had to have this conversation with my husband. He does exactly as your husband dors. I think it really started bothering me over lockdown as suddenly we were with each other all day and I was craving some time to myself. Plus I feel awkward having him there when I shave my armpits!
He genuinely didn't realise how I felt as it's something that wouldn't bother him at all. He doesn't do it now.
It wasn't a big deal - I would gently bring it up. If he's usually lovely and thoughtful towards you he will likely be ok about it.

NoSquirrels · 25/09/2021 09:38

I’m not really looking for advice as he will stop if I say so but I don’t know if just saying so is unreasonable.

If you feel uncomfortable with something then how comfortable someone else feels with something is totally irrelevant.

If something makes you feel uncomfortable then how can you be “unreasonable”?

You might be further on the prudish/privacy side of a spectrum than many, but that wouldn’t make you unreasonable.

You decide your boundaries, only you.

sillysmiles · 25/09/2021 09:39

@MrsSeal

If I say stop, he will. I don’t need to lock the door and tbh should not have to. I was just wondering what the consensus was.
Does he know it bothers you?? It wouldn't bother me and I'd think it odd if my dh wanted me out of the room while he got dressed.
MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2021 09:40

I prefer privacy, too.

NoSquirrels · 25/09/2021 09:41

@MrsSeal

If I say stop, he will. I don’t need to lock the door and tbh should not have to. I was just wondering what the consensus was.
I also agree with a PP that thinking you “should not have to lock the door” is a bit odd.

It’s what the lock is for - its sole purpose is to provide privacy. Want privacy - lock the door. Job done, no awkwardness.

Meggie2008 · 25/09/2021 09:44

I don't even have a lock on my bathroom door, and there was never one in my parents house when I was growing up. General rule is that if the bathroom door is closed then someone's in and don't come in unless it's an emergency 🤷‍♀️

FawnFrenchieMum · 25/09/2021 09:44

@MrsSeal

If I say stop, he will. I don’t need to lock the door and tbh should not have to. I was just wondering what the consensus was.
It doesn’t really matter what the consensus is. It what your comfortable with. It really doesn’t bother me but can see why it would bother others. Although he would only come in the bathroom if there was literally no choice. In bed room, it’s a shared room. We often need to get ready at the same time. It doesn’t bother me.

To the people who have people coming in to take a shit. That’s gross! I hate it when the kids shit in there before I’m having a bath (if they know I’m about to obviously). We have three other toilets, go use one of those!!

Antsinyourpanta · 25/09/2021 09:46

None of our bathrooms have locks - if the door is closed we would assume someone is in there. We have vacant/occupied signs for the door if visitors are here.
I would brush my teeth if DH was in the shower but not reasonable for anyone else to be in the bathroom when someone is going to the toilet!!

Ughmaybenot · 25/09/2021 09:47

Honestly, it’s entirely up to you what you feel comfortable with. There’s no right or wrong… altho someone shitting while another member of the household is in the bath is rank 🤮
Personally I change/dress/whatever in front of DH with no issues and if either of us need to talk to the other while they’re in the shower, or we’re getting ready to go out and I need makeup or hair stuff from the bathroom or whatever, we knock and ask but I don’t think either would ever say ‘no thanks’ but the option is there and both of us would respect that.

WinterBerry7 · 25/09/2021 09:47

My DP does this, but he really does think it’s a ‘nice’ thing to do. Like it’s a time to catch up or something. He also likes me to sit and talk to him if he’s having a shower or bath! I like to shower/bath in peace and not feel like I’m on display, whereas he looks at it like a ‘couple’ thing, almost like intimacy. It’s taken us a while to find a balance!

KnightKnurse · 25/09/2021 09:48

If you want privacy, then you should be clear with DH that is what you want and expect. Maybe he does not know that? and you need to be explicit?

Personally I like seeing DH getting dressed/undressed, I'd walk in to en-suite and chat with him in the shower, etc. He's never mentioned anything to me, so I assume it is not a problem.

For sure, when I'd done room share with girl friends in the past, some would want a lot of privacy, others walk around naked. Different preferences for different people.

Flyingantday · 25/09/2021 09:50

It’s probably not an issue for him so maybe hasn’t considered it might be an issue for you? Maybe a gentle conversation is needed.

Naunet · 25/09/2021 09:58

Why on earth wouldn’t you just lock the door?! You say it’s not needed, but then moan about being walked in on…so it is needed! Or just tell him to fucking stop.

gofg · 25/09/2021 09:58

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but if you don't like it OP then you need to tell him. He's not a mind reader!

TintinIsBack · 25/09/2021 10:04

Quite normal for me. and DH

BUT you told him not to. do it and he. isn’t respecting your boundaries. THAT is not acceptable

TintinIsBack · 25/09/2021 10:07

@MrsSeal

If I say stop, he will. I don’t need to lock the door and tbh should not have to. I was just wondering what the consensus was.
Sorry I missed that.

If you haven’t told. him it’s making you uncomfortable by the time you are married, then more fool you.

He isn’t a mind reader and has no way to know something you’ve accepted for years isn’t ok to you.

Talk to him fgs

JustKittenAround · 25/09/2021 10:15

No. You’re not being prudish

But you knew that already.

Coogee · 25/09/2021 10:19

I don’t need to lock the door and tbh should not have to. I was just wondering what the consensus was.

You’re a prude.

You need to make that clear to your husband.

burnoutbabe · 25/09/2021 10:21

I can't think I have ever locked the bathroom door in my flat, I'd be very unhappy if I HAD to do that rather than my partner respecting a closed door.

We only have one bathroom /loo. So if someone is in the bath /shower and the other is desperate we would knock and the other leave the shower/bath briefly. But we generally do say -I am having a shower, do you need the bathroom first?

Not prudish to think you are entitled to privacy at times. You see the same thing about people working at home in a study and other person constantly interrupting them. When we are in meetings, doors shut to mean do not disturb bar emergency, door open meaning you can come in to offer tea.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 10:27

I hear you, OP. Explain to him that you don't like it.

Mn is an odd place where people have no problem with their kids and partners coming into the bathroom with them. I was taught boundaries from a young age - I wouldn't have been allowed to go into the bathroom or my parents' bedroom unless there was an emergency. This has meant I have boundaries as an adult.

LukeEvansWife · 25/09/2021 10:29

Pressed send too soon.

You aren't a prude. Privacy should be the default, with it being relaxed if both people are okay with it.

Naunet · 25/09/2021 10:33

@Coogee

I don’t need to lock the door and tbh should not have to. I was just wondering what the consensus was.

You’re a prude.

You need to make that clear to your husband.

Don’t be an idiot. Women who don’t want to be perved on are not prudes, porn isn’t real life you know.