To not understand what I have done?

[TheWeekDay]

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

I hope your break was restful and you feel better to make some decisions. Have you considered whether he has ADHD as it sounds like he has stress organising himself.

Poor you. He sounds like a nightmare. I hope you get some rest on the holiday and manage to enjoy it.

One problem with these manipulative types, is that they can be really really charming when you first meet them.
That means that often no-one else can see how bad they really are.
This isn't you. It's him. Sending you virtual good wishes.

Sounds very orchestrated on his part.

But for what reason? Aside the fact that he's a shit husband and should be left.

@ittakes2

I hope your break was restful and you feel better to make some decisions. Have you considered whether he has ADHD as it sounds like he has stress organising himself.

🙄

People who keep banging on about how others don't "respect" them enough are invariably those least deserving of respect.

Your DH sounds mentally unwell, is he aware of that or has he sought any medical help?

Enjoy your time away :)

@2bazookas

Your DH sounds mentally unwell, is he aware of that or has he sought any medical help?

OP literally states in her 3rd post...

To answer a few more questions:

• No he’s not getting help with the stress. He’s convinced there’s an underlying physical cause and researching bizzare things that could be causing him to be stressed/have mood swings, rather than accepting any mental health issue.

Go without him, take time to think about how he makes you feel.

I am glad you are going away by yourself as I think you need time to relax and think about what you want from the future.
I’m not sure I could forgive his attitude/behaviour especially if you’ve had issues before but if you think he’s mentally unwell then maybe you could give him an ultimatum that either he seeks help or it’s over.

Life’s too short for this, op. Rest up.

Oh I'm so glad you gone by yourself. Take time to think, relax and have time to yourself

OP, I'm glad you called his bluff and got away! He probably imagined you would either plead and coax him to come with you or give up the idea altogether, but you took the power of both of those away from him. I suspect he is trying to punish you for shouldering the double load and coping when he can't or won't.

If you do decide you've had enough - and who could blame you?! don't give a moment's thought to what he's told his parents about your struggles. It doesn't matter what they think, really, does it? You don't need their understanding, approval or permission to make changes to your life. Nor do you need your DP's permission. And remember, as grandparents, your PiL have no automatic rights even to have contact with their DGC. They would have to take you to court and establish that they had built a significant relationship with the DC. Perhaps they have, and I'm not suggesting you cut them out of your DC's life, but you have all the power here and they need to keep sweet with you, not the other way around!

What a vile, abusive lazy parasite and I say that as someone with extensive complex mental health illness.

Ah yes I had one of these H's. The gaslighting, the passive aggression, the "it's all your fault, I think you're half mad." Laughing at me if I was upset about something. I would feel physically sick after trying to have an opinion on something as he would turn it around, an argument would ensue and then he could use that as proof that I was the problem all the time.

He would throw his toys out of the pram if things weren't going his way too like your DH is doing wrt the holiday.

By the end of the marriage I actually thought I was half mad tbh but after lots of therapy, researching and soul searching, I saw the light.

You deserve better OP, much much better. x

I'm so glad you're going on your own. It sounds like he has you tied up in knots trying to appease him and it's zero harm at all that you're leaving him to his pettiness and going on the nice holiday that HE wanted in the first place.

Enjoy the peace and quiet away from small vommy child and gaslighting husband!

He sounds completely vile. Like a total cunt, without the depth or warmth.

Good for you for going!! Enjoy your break, you deserve it!! xx

If you are in a relationship where nothing makes any sense to you, perhaps you should leave that relationship. I can't imagine having to spend my time trying to work out what everything means.

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

What a vile, abusive lazy parasite and I say that as someone with extensive complex mental health illness.

But also as someone who is a completely decent person. I wish you well.

So many times men try to bully us into submission with their bad tempers, silence and non compliance. This could be “forgetting” , doing a bad job or provoking an argument so they can go out with their mates. The trick is to be good tempered, firm and have consequences just like you would with a toddler.

Tell them you need some you time as well and explain that if you don’t get it, or if they sulk or forget, you won’t do (insert housework/ favour /drop off). Refuse to argue about it. Put a chart up detailing the work you so and the work they do as a bisual reminder of how much you so and what you expect from them.

Yes, he has stress but he has a family and kids and he can still pull his weight. His behaviour isn’t acceptable.

I remember turning to my ex and saying”If you keep leaving me to do the majority of the childcare and housework while working full-time this marriage won’t survive. I was right- it didn’t “. The resentment becomes too much. Let him know how seriously you take it.

Get rid of him he is only going to get worse, stress is no excuse to be a selfish arsehole

From your original post he sounds like a brat. Especially when you said you’re pregnant and working full time. My mental health isn’t great at the moment but it doesn’t mean my fiancé does everything and it’s all his fault

A reputable and professional counsellor is unlikely to say that. I call bullshit.

Good on you for going away and doing your own thing. Try to relax and make the most of it

Whoa there.
Please re read your original post.
Tosser needs to be told a few home truths. Like there are supposed to be 2 supporting adults in a marriage.
He's been off for 3 months, has done nothing to improve his "stress"
Basically he's just lazy & enjoying being on holiday, while you do everything, including growing a baby.
He us very good at manipulating you, and a shit husband