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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand what I have done?

296 replies

TheWeekDay · 25/09/2021 08:32

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 25/09/2021 13:51

You didn't do anything wrong and he sounds like a monumental arsehole.

I hope your time away has made you see clearly how much better off you would be if you dumped him. You are worth more than this and deserve better.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 25/09/2021 13:51

So he has pre warned his dps your marriage is in difficulty and it is your fault?
What a charmer...
And obviously they believe him.

Be cautious op.. They will always side with him.

MzHz · 25/09/2021 13:53

Have a super time away

You sound like you need it and will greatly benefit from it

He’s setting you up to fail, this sounds deeply unhealthy and manipulative, bordering on abusive

Take all the time you need away from him, and us if that helps, we’ll be here for you whenever you’re ready if you need us to hear you and support you in wherever your path leads next.

QueeniesCroft · 25/09/2021 13:56

I hope you have a lovely time, OP. I'd be very surprised if you stayed together after this break from him.
Please do be careful, though- once he knows that he is no longer able to control you, his behaviour may become much worse and I wouldn't rule out physical abuse.

3luckystars · 25/09/2021 13:59

Gaslighting bully. I hope you get to time to come up with a way out. Good luck.

sandgrown · 25/09/2021 14:02

My “D”P did this once when we were due to go to London with our DS. We went without him and left him to sulk. He seriously thought we would stop home and waste the money we had paid . Are the DC with your parents or his ? If his just leave things and let him explain and go on the trip

MargosKaftan · 25/09/2021 14:10

Please do open up to friends /your family. It does sound like you need support. He might be mentally ill, that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to find the situation intolerable.

pelosi · 25/09/2021 14:22

Sounds like you’re starting to see him clearly, OP.

I hope the next few days give you even more clarity.

Have a lovely time.

What’s his reaction to you going anyway? I imagine he wasn’t expecting that?

minimecantrollerskate · 25/09/2021 14:36

He is a twat if he thinks you can go through life without disagreements. You did the right thing in asking how to resolve them, if he is somebody who sulks and won't talk.

Enjoy your break, and do think seriously if you want to continue living like this.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/09/2021 14:47

He’s doubling down now your pg isn’t he?

He’s just had 3 months off work how fucking stressed can he still be fgs.

timeisnotaline · 25/09/2021 14:48

I can’t possibly from this information diagnose if he is an emotionally abusive asshole with mental health difficulties that make it hard for him to seek help, or just an emotionally abusive asshole who has no intention of improving his apparent mental state as it’s both an excellent get out of jail free card for parenting AND a useful stick to beat you with.
What I do know is no one has to or should stay with an emotionally abusive asshole just because they have mental health issues.

Ugzbugz · 25/09/2021 14:48

Depressed or not he's a pig.

StormTreader · 25/09/2021 15:20

It's very telling that he both thinks there shouldn't any disagreements AND he wants everything exactly his own way all the time - doesn't leave a lot of room for you to have a voice, does it?

oakleaffy · 25/09/2021 15:20

Hope you have a lovely holiday,op.
He was a sulking R. Sole to say
“Not going on holiday!”
How controlling and manipulative is that?!

Ghastly
Can’t bear people who pull that sort of stunt.
Well done for going ahead on your own.

Xenia · 25/09/2021 15:29

Have a good holiday.

Lalliella · 25/09/2021 15:30

He’s a total bellend. What sort of man goes off for hours leaving his wife to look after the kids and so she has to work past midnight? “Stress” my arse. You’re the one who should be stressed. He’s got it made. Go on holiday without him and leave the bastard when you come home.

MakingM · 25/09/2021 15:32

@TheWeekDay

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

YANBU

What have you done?

You’ve lumbered yourself with someone who treats you like you’re his mother.

It happens. Men can sometimes be tricksy like that.

Lalliella · 25/09/2021 15:34

Oops sorry just read you’re going on the holiday, well done OP. Have a great time and a good think about whether you want to continue living like this.

It’s not you by the way, it’s 100% him. Don’t let his gaslight you that this is your fault. He’s twisting everything.

Oh and no decent counsellor would tell one party that it’s the other party’s fault.

Nancydrawn · 25/09/2021 15:41

I'm glad you're going and giving yourself some space to think.

Any marriage should be a partnership. Sometimes we need more from our partners, in crisis situations, than we give them. But the keys are a. that it be limited to those situations and is otherwise equal; b. that it is appreciated; and c. that it is reciprocated. Otherwise, it's not a partnership.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/09/2021 15:53

Hmmm.....it's a bit odd the way he's searching the internet to look for medical reasons for stress, don't you think? It almost suggests that he doesn't think there's anything else in his life which could be causing it. That he's looking for an excuse for it, so he can tell others "Oh, I have X/Y/Z. It gives me bad stress, makes working difficult and oh, I feel bad about this, but it makes me behave badly towards my wife." In his eyes it would get him off the hook completely. Arsehole.

clopper · 25/09/2021 15:55

Have a lovely holiday and use it to reflect on your relationship. A marriage can’t be happy when one of the partners is walking on egg shells trying to second guess their partners moves and moods and mitigate the fallout. You deserve so much better. X

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 25/09/2021 16:09

This thread is a very harsh reaction to someone struggling
Bollocks! Having mental health issues is not a 'get out of jail free' card to abuse their spouse. That's if he even has mental health issues and isn't just an arsehole. What about the OP's mental health?
He gaslighting you and lying to his parents to make out it's you who has the problem. And they're demonstrating that they won't support you at all.
My advice is to book an appointment with a solicitor and set about leaving the bastard.

billy1966 · 25/09/2021 16:11

Don't waste any more time trying to understand and facilitate this awful man.

Ring Women's aid for a frank chat while you are away.

Start thinking about your future and what you want it to look like.

Your children need protecting from him.

Flowers
Billybagpuss · 25/09/2021 16:14

Have a good holiday. It does seem to be working out too perfectly for him, my first thought is affair too, maybe he wants the house to himself?

BadNomad · 25/09/2021 16:22

I love that you went on holiday without him. So many times on here do I see women weep and beg and fret when their partners throw these huffing fits just before leaving. It's refreshing to see someone say "okey dokey" and go without the huffy fkr. Do enjoy the holiday he wanted, OP.