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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand what I have done?

296 replies

TheWeekDay · 25/09/2021 08:32

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/09/2021 12:48

Awful OP. Him not you.

He sounds really horrible. It’s emotionally abusive to pull this when you’re about to go on a much needed break, because from now on (if you stay with him) you’ll never be able to look forward to anything whole heartedly. This is what he wants - for you to know that you have to keep him sweet before a holiday otherwise it might not happen.

What kind of man let’s his pregnant, working wife pick up work late in the evening, so late she has to work past minute, so that he can spend four whole hours on hobbies? A shit one, that’s who.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/09/2021 12:49

So happy you are going anyway!

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 25/09/2021 12:54

My ex was this. I worked FT in the same job as him -except I was far higher up the pay scale and had x10 the responsiblity.
He went to work at 8am and did his paperwork before the start -he stayed until 6am and finished everything during the working day.

I managed the children before I started work (same time as him) and got them ready and did the school run, I picked them up at 5 pm from clubs and got home and made dinner. He swaned in at 6pm and claimed 'me time' - I cooked dinner, washed up, did the homework put them to bed. He was off out running from 7pm to 9pm. I put the children to bed and then started my work paperwork and I finished about 10pm -meanwhile he comes back at 9pm and calls me lazy. His mum said he was working full time and needed more support from me!! FUCK that.............I was doing work FT and ALL the childcare and all housework and all the mental load -he may well of been single as he didn't support me.

Get your own support, friends, and family support and counselling ON YOUR OWN -he is abusive. He will NOT change -he is lining it up as poor me. Where is your time to do YOUR hobby.

Go on holiday and make plans without him.

Rainbowsew · 25/09/2021 12:56

You shouldn't be facilitating him. He could have looked after his sick child while you were at work and then he could have had all the time he needed when you were home

Go on the holiday and have along think about the relationship and what you want, let him cut off his nose to spite his face if he really wanted to go there.

He sounds like a manipulative bastard who has already put it to his parents that you're the one with problems rather than him and as for saying the "way you've behaved" sounds like emotional abuse to me. Who is he to make such assumptions?! Sounds like you're treading on eggshells around him and tbh being pregnant too makes that worrying seeing as abuse can escalate during this time.

Be careful

Original poster
TheWeekDay · 25/09/2021 12:57

To answer a few more questions:

  • No he’s not getting help with the stress. He’s convinced there’s an underlying physical cause and researching bizzare things that could be causing him to be stressed/have mood swings, rather than accepting any mental health issue.
  • Too short notice to ask a friend to come with me but I think some time on my own might not be a bad thing anyway. I do have supportive friends and family and you are right that I need to open up to them.
  • The more I think about it, this isn’t right. A couple of years ago we went to counselling but it didn’t help. He has since said the counsellor thought it was all my fault, which I don’t think can have been right. It also reminds me of how he ignored me on a day out once because (it later turned out - he didn’t tell me till days later) I had asked in counsellor how to best resolve disagreements) and he was disappointed in me because he said there shouldn’t be disagreements. At the time I thought there was something wrong with me (my parents argued a lot so maybe i didn’t have the best perspective) but now my eyes are open i don’t think its right.

Thank you all so much for your posts. I’m off now and going to try and stay away from my phone for the few days so I can really think about things. I will post again when I get back.

OP posts:
UltimateBugKilla · 25/09/2021 12:59

Oh no, he thinks he has you right where he wants you, asshat, you're worth so much more than this, and there is so much more life out there for you.

I echo asking him to go and stay at his parents.

I hope you enjoy this break and it shows you just a small amount of what your life will be like without him 💐

Palava57 · 25/09/2021 13:08

I am so glad you have gone by yourself! Have a wonderful restful time as well as thinking through how you want your future to be 💐

Alternista · 25/09/2021 13:10

It sounds like a rare gift tbh. Take this time and use it well for yourself x

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/09/2021 13:21

A couple of years ago we went to counselling but it didn’t help. He has since said the counsellor thought it was all my fault, which I don’t think can have been right.

This is why you can’t go to counselling with abusive men

QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 25/09/2021 13:22

@hiptobeasquare

“Glad to hear that you're going without him, have a good think about whether you want to continue living like that.”

This! Take time to think about whether you want this kind of life for yourself OP.

This....

It won't get any better. Is this really what you deserve; I doubt it.

Have a think about how he treat you daily, what does he do for you, how do he speak to you, does he support you, offer to help, make you feel loved, how does he contribute as a parent a partner etc etc?

Write down a list of good point and what you like about him.

Then write down the bad and be brutally honest with yourself.

Is this the life you envisage for you and your children, is he a good role model. His influence is going to help make the foundations of your children, is that a good thing?

Lots of thinking to do but try and deserve your well earned hoiliday. x

cookingisoverrated · 25/09/2021 13:23

He gave you the silent treatment because he said there shouldn't be disagreements?

WTF have I just read!?

He's controlling and abusive. Get some help to get out of the marriage.

FindingMeno · 25/09/2021 13:24

He's trying to punish you for him behaving like a twat.
Fuck that.
I'm angry on your behalf.

MrsLCSofLichfield · 25/09/2021 13:25

I don't usually think this, but I would seriously wonder whether he is having an affair, tbh. He has the chance to go away with you on holiday and at the last minute he picks a fight about nothing and refuses to go, meaning he'll have a few days or a week at home alone? He makes out it's your fault and bad-mouths you to his parents?

Affair or not, I think he sounds abusive. What you said about the counselling is worrying, as is what you said about his 'stress' situation. If he loses his job will that be your fault too?

If you read this when you get back, I hope you had a lovely and restful holiday, and good luck with however you decide to proceed Flowers

Goingdriving · 25/09/2021 13:25

You are definitely not being unreasonable. He is twisting things to blame yo. My ex did that when he felt guilty (accusing me of cheating when he was cheating).

QueenBee52 · 25/09/2021 13:27

He's s controlling manipulative Prick.. who is using his stress to bully you..

LTB

So glad you are going on this break 🌸

coffeepleeease · 25/09/2021 13:28

He's either a selfish idiot using "stress" as an excuse, or it's more than stress (possibly depression?)

Kuachui · 25/09/2021 13:28

I would be going on the holiday, have as much fun as I could and then dumping him when I got home because of how nice it was not dealing with an asshole

diddl · 25/09/2021 13:28

"He has since said the counsellor thought it was all my fault, which I don’t think can have been right."

Of course it can't.

If you do your best to keep him happy-chances are that you are afraid of or don't want to have to deal with the consequences.

Kitkat151 · 25/09/2021 13:30

Very controlling behaviour on your DHs part....it will get worse when another baby arrives

DowntonCrabby · 25/09/2021 13:37

Fuck that, presumably he’s got loads of time to himself at the moment if you’re in work and DC is at preschool?

Doomscrolling · 25/09/2021 13:38

Enjoy your time to yourself!

CandyLeBonBon · 25/09/2021 13:44

@TheWeekDay

To answer a few more questions:
  • No he’s not getting help with the stress. He’s convinced there’s an underlying physical cause and researching bizzare things that could be causing him to be stressed/have mood swings, rather than accepting any mental health issue.
  • Too short notice to ask a friend to come with me but I think some time on my own might not be a bad thing anyway. I do have supportive friends and family and you are right that I need to open up to them.
  • The more I think about it, this isn’t right. A couple of years ago we went to counselling but it didn’t help. He has since said the counsellor thought it was all my fault, which I don’t think can have been right. It also reminds me of how he ignored me on a day out once because (it later turned out - he didn’t tell me till days later) I had asked in counsellor how to best resolve disagreements) and he was disappointed in me because he said there shouldn’t be disagreements. At the time I thought there was something wrong with me (my parents argued a lot so maybe i didn’t have the best perspective) but now my eyes are open i don’t think its right.

Thank you all so much for your posts. I’m off now and going to try and stay away from my phone for the few days so I can really think about things. I will post again when I get back.

Ooooooh this is not good. There's wayyyyyy more going on here snd (hint) it's not you.

There's some seriously gaslighty manipulation going on there.

Sorry op but from what you've said this man does not have your best interests at heart

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 25/09/2021 13:47

Enjoy your well-deserved holiday, OP. And note how you feel when your husband isn't around you, putting you down. Sounds as if he has been gaslighting and taking advantage of you for a long time. He is likely to be even worse when there's a new baby on the scene.

Do you want this for the rest of your life, and for DC to grow up in it? I hope you can free yourself and DC -- you will be amazed how much better you feel away from him.

snowblack · 25/09/2021 13:48

What will his reaction be when you come back (not that you should care) from a holiday to a place he’s really keen to go to, and you simply went by yourself? He will try to gaslight the hell out of you. Smile

LowlandLucky · 25/09/2021 13:51

Does he consider the stress he is causing you ? I would imagine he would be far too self centred to care.