To think DH is a controlling twat

[CamillaRose]

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

You're minimising who he is.

He is violent - emotional cruelty is another form of violence.

If he threatens to divorce you, good - calmly say "I agree, let's get started with that". Cool, no argument, just steely resolve.

OP's not responding because she's gone out with his family, I bet...

You are not remotely unreasonable. He is selfish and horrible beyond belief. You’re an adult, not his toddler.

@daisychain01

Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

You're minimising who he is.

He is violent - emotional cruelty is another form of violence.

If he threatens to divorce you, good - calmly say "I agree, let's get started with that". Cool, no argument, just steely resolve.

Emotional cruelty isn’t a form of violence. It’s a form of abuse yes, but not violence.

I agree with saying yes to his divorce threats though. And definitely ignore him re the wedding. I hope he didn’t force you to go to the family thing.

@CamillaRose

Does he often sulk for weeks and threaten to divorce you? Yes. I just ignore him.

Who does he think he is, ordering you to go to his parents and telling you you aren’t going to the wedding? Doesn’t he realise you don’t have to do as he tells you, he is not your keeper? Does he support you at all when his family treat you badly?

To be honest, the next time he threatens to divorce you, I would just say “that’s a good idea, will I help you pack?”

This is no way to live. Think of the strength that coping with him takes every day. Imagine that strength being used to make your life better.

If you divorce him, he will be an arse, that's guaranteed. But he's an arse now. At least if you divorce, you won't have to see his sulky face night and day, and you will never have to see his abusive family again.

Don’t go. Let him go. Put your feet up. Watch a good film and let it dawn on him that he’s been a twat and very unpleasant company. Which is why he’s attending alone.

Why on earth would you stay with someone who tells you what to do and sulks for weeks?!! It must be a horrible atmosphere in your house. Not nice for your children.

Yes this, its emotional abuse. I grew up in a household like this and it left me very damaged. I had a year of counselling to try and get over the emotional scars, and it still makes me feel anxious just remembering the feeling of living in a house like that, where everything was dominated by one man's moods.

He isn’t violent. He’s just a twat.

Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

Abuse isn’t just violent, sulking and silent treatment are emotional abuse and it’s no way to live.

You may not realise it now but weeks of silent treatment will take their toll on you.

In your shoes I would leave (and have left).

@NCBlossom

I put YABU because you are cherry picking what you want to do, and dissing his family.

Hahaha!

But even if she was-so fucking what?

How clueless or uncaring do you have to be to think that your OH has to drag around to everything that your family does?

That's without that the wedding was accepted first, OH's family don't give a toss about Op & it would be too much for her due to illness.

@Droite

I'm struggling to reconcile your description of being "a bit off colour" with being too ill to be driven somewhere where you will presumably only have to sit around and talk to people - but being well enough to go to a wedding.

I've skipped an event today because I ha e a migraine bobbing around the inside of my skull.

It's always worse during the day, and if I can't control my environment. The thought of being stuck in a car for two hours each way did me in, and when I got to family events yes I can sit down, but I can't control the lighting/temperature/people wanting to chit chat at me.

Certainly not to the degree where I would retain enough energy for the evening event. It would have to be one or the other for me.

@Droite

I'm struggling to reconcile your description of being "a bit off colour" with being too ill to be driven somewhere where you will presumably only have to sit around and talk to people - but being well enough to go to a wedding.

Do you also struggle to read and understand about chronic illnesses?

Yanbu at all

How dare he try to dictate to you in this way?

@Droite

I'm struggling to reconcile your description of being "a bit off colour" with being too ill to be driven somewhere where you will presumably only have to sit around and talk to people - but being well enough to go to a wedding.

Well, that is OP's call to make. She doesn't have to give a reason. I'd give a similar response to this post:

Yanbu unless you have form for flaking out on his family but being fine for your friends. But he still is not entitled to control you.

OP is an adult. She gets to decide who she spends her time with.

If people treated me with such a staggering lack of empathy - DH/in-laws or not - then damned right I'd be prioritising my friends and flaking out on his family too. A wedding isn't in the same league as a family day out and DH knew she'd already committed, and that she suffers with a chronic health condition.

OP - if his response truly does manifest as you predicted in your update, you do realise this is going to a little further than simply 'being a twat'. That is mental and emotional abuse. I'm sorry

YA in no way BU.

@Droite

I'm struggling to reconcile your description of being "a bit off colour" with being too ill to be driven somewhere where you will presumably only have to sit around and talk to people - but being well enough to go to a wedding.

It’s a lack of understanding of chronic illness here. Look up “spoon theory” for a concise explanation.

@CamillaRose

Does he often sulk for weeks and threaten to divorce you? Yes. I just ignore him.

OP, if I were you, I’d call his bluff. Fuck all this for a game of soldiers.

Tbh telling him that "they may be your only family but they aren't mine" is a horrible, bitchy thing to say.

No. Telling the OP these people are her 'only family', when this is patently not the case (and they're not even her family but we'll let that one slide) is the horrible thing to say.

That's what's known as invalidating. It's relegating OP's relationships with her own family to being valueless and worthless, to the point that he doesn't even condescend to recognise that they exist. I'd go a step further, given this revealing little snippet of information, and hazard a wild guess he's tried to isolate her from them, too.

Invalidating someone else's experiences, family relationships or feelings in this way is the classic tactic of an abuser. Her husband said this to her and you actually claim to be surprised she bit, and call her comment 'bitchy?'

Even if I wasn't ill I still wouldn't prioritise people who dont like me and have a history of being nasty to me over friends I do like. I wouldn't be surprised if the stress of thinking about it has triggered your current flare-up.

@CamillaRose I would stop ignoring him and start divorcing him

Hope you’re enjoying the wedding right now!

He is treating you like a child, saying that if you are ill you should not go to either.

YANBU at all. I suffer from Long Covid, so I have to prioritise as well when it comes to activities I choose to do, and I’ve pulled out of family visits a few times. Thankfully, my DH and in-laws are understanding and would never guilt trip me.

I hope you’re having a great time at the wedding.

Do you also struggle to read and understand about chronic illnesses?

OP says she is a bit off colour. Whether that's due to a chronic illness or something else, she's not saying she feels desperately ill, is she?

@mrsbyers

I can see his point really, if you’re that unwell then going to either should be ruled out - in his head you’re saying him and his family aren’t your priority for energy

Op didn;t say she is "that unwell", she said she is "a bit off colour" & as a grown woman I think that she's in a better position to decide what events she attends than either you or her husband.

& "his family aren't your priority" is ridiculous. Her friend is GETTING MARRIED ffs. She can see family anytime. She can hardly say "oh, another time" about her friend's wedding, can she?

As for "see his point" - really?
I hope you don't go along with that sort of controlling behaviour in your own life. Who is this DH, to ground her like a recalcitrant young teen?

I have a chronic disease that’s been playing up, it’s not infectious.

Jeeze OP. How is your husband being so dense with this?
Does he fail to understand the Spoons analogy?