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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a controlling twat

267 replies

CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 07:37

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

OP posts:
Thehop · 25/09/2021 11:48

Bloody hell leave him. He’s horrible. Your kids will avoid visiting when they’re older just like has happened with his family.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 25/09/2021 11:48

@CamillaRose I urge you to read your posts back and then imagine how you would react if this was being said by your best friend or your daughter. Would you think this behaviour was acceptable for them? If not then I urge you to take a very long hard look at your marriage and decide if you want to remain in it.

He is abusive, coercive, controlling, aggressive and honestly vile. My exh was very similar although I could add physically abusive and gaslighting to the list.

You are jot in a good marriage.

Look into the freedom project. Talk to women's aid. But please do something for the sake of your health and your kids.

longtompot · 25/09/2021 11:53

I think some people on here need to look up Spoon Theory.

You ANBU @CamillaRose The wedding was booked first, and you told 'd'h you couldn't do the family gathering on the same day and he didn't arrange it for another day. Like you say your friends wedding will only happen this one time, you will have opportunity to see his family again.
As for telling you you can't go to the wedding if you won't go to the family gathering, well, I would be furious! It also says he doesn't really understand your chronic condition and how it affects you.
I hope you enjoy your friends wedding and afterwards I think you need to have a think of how YOU want to live the rest of your life. I for one wouldn't want to spend any time with someone who gets shitty, sulking and not speaking to me for weeks, threatens divorce and to throw me out of my home.

Ashitaka · 25/09/2021 11:59

@CamillaRose

How are you getting to the wedding without him? I have my own car. But he’s a massive dick if he refuses to go because the couple are his friends too.
I think we have already established he is a massive dick....

You told him you couldnt do both
The wedding is a (hopefully) once in a lifetime for that couple, unless there is a back story that his one of his family is dying or emigrating or something, then do the wedding

HatsOnHatsOff · 25/09/2021 12:00

You're a grown up, you can decide for yourself what you feel you can manage. He sounds like your employer not your loving, caring, life partner.

pictish · 25/09/2021 12:03

“It also says he doesn't really understand your chronic condition and how it affects you.”

I’d say he understands it perfectly. I’m sure OP has explained it to him in clear terms more than once.
It so happens he doesn’t care. His agenda first.

Ellie56 · 25/09/2021 12:03

A four hour trip followed by a wedding sounds exhausting and I don't have a chronic condition.

Stick your ground OP and refuse to go and see the abusive relatives. Go to the wedding by yourself if necessary.

And then give some serious thought to dumping the abusive twat "D"H. You don't need him in your life. He sounds an absolute arsehole.

pictish · 25/09/2021 12:05

I think he’ll refuse to attend the wedding…just to avenge the family day.
Sounds like the sort of prick to twist the knife for his own gratification.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 25/09/2021 12:06

Omg you are not a child - he can’t tell you want to do!

Go to the wedding alone and leave him to sulk

pictish · 25/09/2021 12:07

Yes, absolutely attend the wedding on your own. Don’t let him take that away from you. He’d love it and see it as a win.
Be bright and enthusiastic about it and go.

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/09/2021 12:09

Let me guess, when his family were abusive to you he stood by and did nothing, told you it's just how they are, told you to get over it?

Daleksatemyshed · 25/09/2021 12:19

I notice he says his siblings are your only family, says a lot about his attitutes, clearly your family don't count with him. His siblings are unkind to you but he still thinks you must want to see them. You're quite right @CamillaRose, he is a twat

TheGonnagle · 25/09/2021 12:19

Hmm. As a spoonie myself I know that some days you have to decide where to spend your spoons. They’re your spoons and it’s your choice. My dh would never presume to tell me how to manage my chronic illness and yes, I think your h is being a controlling bastard.
Get some rest and go to the wedding, he’s being a prick.

VeganCheesePlease · 25/09/2021 12:24

A four hour round trip before a wedding would be hell even without any other circumstances!
He sounds awful and very controlling. I, like other PP agree this is chance for you to decide if this is really the life you want for yourself with this person .

NCBlossom · 25/09/2021 12:32

I put YABU because you are cherry picking what you want to do, and dissing his family.

knittingaddict · 25/09/2021 12:35

@NCBlossom

I put YABU because you are cherry picking what you want to do, and dissing his family.
Did you read the thread first? Of course op is cherry picking and why not.
pictish · 25/09/2021 12:35

I cherry pick too. It’s called autonomy.

NCBlossom · 25/09/2021 12:37

Because in a partnership you do think about the other person too, and letting down their family. The OP is being totally selfish. If this had been me, I would at the very least, have had some consideration that I was letting down my partner and dissing his family. It’s an active ‘I don’t care about your family but I do care about my friends’.
I’m laughing at so many people saying divorce him over this! Big big overreaction.

PooWillyNameChange · 25/09/2021 12:39

Go the the wedding, and see if anyone there knows any good lawyers.

pictish · 25/09/2021 12:40

@NCBlossom

Because in a partnership you do think about the other person too, and letting down their family. The OP is being totally selfish. If this had been me, I would at the very least, have had some consideration that I was letting down my partner and dissing his family. It’s an active ‘I don’t care about your family but I do care about my friends’. I’m laughing at so many people saying divorce him over this! Big big overreaction.
That’s nice dear. 👍
endofagain · 25/09/2021 12:41

NCBlossom.
You really have no idea.
You obviously havent read the thread.

Rainbowsew · 25/09/2021 12:44

@CamillaRose

If you’re really poorly should you be going to either? I don’t have a bug. I have a chronic disease that’s been playing up, it’s not infectious. I wish the wedding wasn’t today but it is, so I want to push myself to go for a couple of hours and show my face. I won’t be able to do that it I’ve already pushed myself to attend the family event during the day.
Given this then yanbu, though you should have said that in op for clarification and more accurate responses.

Chronic illness that is not contagious is a different thing to a bug that is potentially going to be spread about. Yanbu to prioritize a special event like a wedding instead of a normal get-together. Your dh is showing a lack of understanding of what chronic illness is and its impact on your and his life. Do really want to be with him in future, especially if you're likely to go further downhill with the illness?

FatJan · 25/09/2021 12:45

NCBlossom - either a troll or the husband has found the thread. Is it possible he has access to the device you post on Mumsnet on, OP?

Anyway, the entire situation sounds incredibly tiring, especially having someone TELLING you what you can and can't do. I hope he's worth it, OP.

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/09/2021 12:48

Because in a partnership you do think about the other person too, and letting down their family.

Because this is the family that has abused and been vile to OP, and will continue to be? But she shouldn't let them down? The only thing she's letting them down from is more opportunity to be abusive. And that's without her suffering from a flare up of a chronic condition.

Because in a partnership you do think about the other person too And how much is the 'D'H thinking about his wife? He agreed to the family day knowing that they had a prior engagement that day. And now he's telling her that if she doesn't go to see his family she will not be going to the wedding. Exactly how is he thinking about the other person in this partnership?

GatoradeMeBitch · 25/09/2021 12:49

Tbh I’d be quite happy if I never saw them again, and he knows that. I’ve actually considered divorcing him just so I never have to see them again. They’ve been abusive to me on several occasions and I don’t like them.

Do you think your health issue might have flared up because you were stressed about seeing them?

Enjoy the quiet once he's left, get ready for the wedding, go by yourself and enjoy seeing your friends. Tomorrow tell your DH you have no intention of seeing his family again, and that if he dislikes that, perhaps it's time to discuss divorce. Honestly he doesn't sound too nice either if he's trying to force you to see people who have been abusive to you. A caring husband would take his wife's side.