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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a controlling twat

267 replies

CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 07:37

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 25/09/2021 12:49

There will be other opportunities to see family but a wedding is a one off so absolutely prioritise that.
Your husband sounds v controlling.

Muttly · 25/09/2021 12:50

NCBlossom.
You really have no idea.
You obviously havent read the thread.

^Exactly this for Blossom

OP has clearly explained

  1. The wedding was planned first.
  2. The family event is a recent addition which because of having to live with a chronic condition OP, before the event was confirmed, explained to her DH she didn’t want to go.
  3. He husband ignored her and did not seek another date to organise the family meet up.
  4. He is demanding that the OP go to both of neither events in spite of her having a chronic condition which has flared.
  5. He has past form for sulking for days with the didn’t treatment when he doesn’t get his way.

If you still think that the OP is the one in the wrong here I think that your perspective has been skewed badly.

Chamomileteaplease · 25/09/2021 12:54

Missing the point slightly, but am I the only one who would be tired out from the four hour round trip to a family event and find it difficult to get energy up for the evening wedding celebration? And that's without a debilitating health condition Sad.

I really really hope you do not go to the family event.

I also worry that if you did go to the family do he would find a way to somehow make you late/stressed for the evening do, just to upset you Sad.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 25/09/2021 12:55

@JudgeJ

Clearly it's family she doesn't like as she isn't well enough to go to their home but, miraculously, is well enough to attend a friend's wedding

Imagine being able to write but not read.

pictish · 25/09/2021 12:57

“I also worry that if you did go to the family do he would find a way to somehow make you late/stressed for the evening do, just to upset you.”

Yes. People like this are keen on sabotage. Best to stay back and organise your own day.

Muttly · 25/09/2021 12:58

Missing the point slightly, but am I the only one who would be tired out from the four hour round trip to a family event and find it difficult to get energy up for the evening wedding celebration? And that's without a debilitating health condition

Chamomile I was thinking the same when I read it. No way I’d fancy a wedding after a 4 hour round trip to visit others. OPs DH was being an arse even without knowing about the OP suffering from a heath condition.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 25/09/2021 13:01

Explain Spoon Theory to him. And anyone else who doesn't get it.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory

Hoppinggreen · 25/09/2021 13:02

@NCBlossom

I put YABU because you are cherry picking what you want to do, and dissing his family.
She fucking well TOLD her H that they already had a wedding booked that evening so she was unlikely to be able to go to the family event but he said they were going anyway. Either you haven’t read the whole thread or you have no understanding of OPs situation
pictish · 25/09/2021 13:03

[quote Ohsugarhoneyicetea]Explain Spoon Theory to him. And anyone else who doesn't get it.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory[/quote]
He won’t give a shit about spoon theory. Wouldn’t waste my time or breath.

TowandaForever · 25/09/2021 13:14

@CamillaRose

If you’re really poorly should you be going to either? I don’t have a bug. I have a chronic disease that’s been playing up, it’s not infectious. I wish the wedding wasn’t today but it is, so I want to push myself to go for a couple of hours and show my face. I won’t be able to do that it I’ve already pushed myself to attend the family event during the day.
A lot of people if they don't have or know someone with a chronic illness won't understand this.

Your partner should!!!

Brokeandtired3 · 25/09/2021 13:14

Just dont go. He cant physically force you to. Stick up for yourself and rest!

BoredZelda · 25/09/2021 13:16

Like a parent telling a child they can only have a sweety if they eat their vegetables first!

It’s exactly what I used to say to my daughter. If you are too ill to go to school, you are too ill to go to brownies. I’d never dream of doing that to my husband. I mean, I’d be a bit eyebrows raised if he took a sick day off work then went out with his mates at night, but I still wouldn’t stop him.

Go out and enjoy yourself. If my husband had said this, my reaction would be to laugh and tell him not to be so silly.

QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 25/09/2021 13:26

@CamillaRose

Who is he to decide for you Exactly. I’m furious that he thinks he gets to tell me I can’t go to the wedding unless I go to the family day as well. Like a parent telling a child they can only have a sweety if they eat their vegetables first! I can see his family any time but my friend only gets married once, and she’s paid for my seat and my meal etc. I don’t feel I can manage both events, but I could attend the wedding for a couple of hours and leave early after the meal. There’s nothing to stop him going to see his family and taking our DC while I stay at home. He’s just annoyed that I feel I can only manage one event and I’d choose the wedding over his family.
He doesn't sound like a caring partner. Maybe he needs you to do the childcare otherwise he can't relax and have a good time...

I don't know what is wrong with men today but it seems like we have failed them along the way as parents. Some are behaving in ways that are truly reprehensible
.

ThanksItHasPockets · 25/09/2021 13:29

What do you actually get out of this relationship, OP?

Ashitaka · 25/09/2021 13:31

@NCBlossom

Because in a partnership you do think about the other person too, and letting down their family. The OP is being totally selfish. If this had been me, I would at the very least, have had some consideration that I was letting down my partner and dissing his family. It’s an active ‘I don’t care about your family but I do care about my friends’. I’m laughing at so many people saying divorce him over this! Big big overreaction.
Op agreed to go to the wedding first

Op asked dh not to book family day on the same day...

What part of that is Op disrespecting dh family??

Furrydog7 · 25/09/2021 13:39

I agree with you op. I couldn't manage a 4 hour round trip followed by a wedding reception and i don't have a cronic illness.

ArabellaScott · 25/09/2021 13:40

YANBU. He's a controlling twat. I'm sorry, OP.

Saladovercrispsanyday · 25/09/2021 13:44

Op hasn’t been back since 9.30
Wonder if she went

whynotwhatknot · 25/09/2021 13:47

I dont know why you bother with his family anyway if theyve abused you-tell him to fuck off and take his family with him

CaveMum · 25/09/2021 13:52

OP what do you actually get from this relationship? Is he a multi-millionaire/amazing in bed? Because all I can gather from this thread is that you’ve got an abusive, coercively controlling husband who is also happy to allow his family to be abusive towards you.

Honestly, next time he threatens to divorce you just say “Ok, shall I call the solicitor or will you do it?” Better still just call a solicitor yourself first thing on Monday.

Life is too short to waste on men like this.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/09/2021 13:55

@CamillaRose

If you haven’t seen them in the best part of two years and then opt out to see friends instead Tbh I’d be quite happy if I never saw them again, and he knows that. I’ve actually considered divorcing him just so I never have to see them again. They’ve been abusive to me on several occasions and I don’t like them.
Maybe you should divorce him anyway. He sounds awful.
Auroreforet · 25/09/2021 13:58

Perhaps your chronic disease wouldn't flare up as much if you didn't live with your idiot dh.

FOJN · 25/09/2021 13:58

Like a parent telling a child they can only have a sweety if they eat their vegetables first!

That's how I read it too. Fuck off is the only reasonable response.

daisychain01 · 25/09/2021 14:14

@AppleKatie

Op what will happen when you disobey him?

Because either he said something stupid and sinister out of spite and will be feeling a bit silly and apologise in a couple of hours…. Or his reaction will be dangerous to you, in which case yes you’re in controlling/need help to leave territory.

The question "what happens when you disobey him is a concept that should be alien in 21st century, it isn't as if the OP is a chattel of her husband who needs to obey his command.

Even under normal circumstances, discounting illness, the event with his family which involved a 2 hour journey, on the same day as a pre-existing commitment to go to a wedding is completely bonkers. What was he thinking of, accepting it.

It should have been "sorry we are going to a wedding that day".

If you aren't 100%, he can go to his family event and unless he decided to be an arse and take your car keys away to be spiteful, you can make your own adult decision to go to the wedding that you'd already accepted. His choice if he doesn't want to come. If he doesn't like your decision so be it. "I beg to differ". I'd question the relationship if he prevented you from going,

daisychain01 · 25/09/2021 14:18

If you have an auto immune condition like lupus (from which the concept of spoon theory was developed), then your husband is 100% at fault to have put you in this position. He's giving you an overwhelming amount of burden attending two demanding events on the same day.

Maybe this will strengthen your resolve to get shot of him.