To really strongly dislike my autistic child

[Candy999]

I am so drained. My DS autistic 6 year old drains every bit of life out of me. No matter what I do for him it is never enough. I can no longer cope with the daily shrieking, screaming, constant outbursts etc. I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him and when we do go it’s just kick off after kick off all the time because everything needs to be his way. When he’s around me all I want to do is lay down and block out the noise and when he’s not here and I have time to do things like household chores etc I just have no motivation to do it as I just want to sit and enjoy the peace.

Currently pregnant with second child and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. My biggest fear is I’m going to go through all of this again with another child. I try so hard to show him love and affection and get nothing back. Yes he’ll ask for cuddles etc but it’s very brief and only because he wants something.

If SS came up to me tomorrow and said someone else would parent him I would happily agree to it. I’m at breaking point.
I contacted my gp a few weeks ago to enquire about some kind of medication for him and we have been referred to the paediatrician but not heard anything back. I just can’t bear it anymore. I love my child more than anything but to be frank theirs times I can’t stand the sight of him.
I want to try and get him into a residential school as feel it would be best all round but I have no idea how to go about this.
I know it’s not his fault but I just feel like why did I have to be the person to be dealt such a crappy life!

@pelosi, well I'm not into posting #bekind and, yes, I did feel it necessary to post, otherwise I wouldn't have gone to the effort of posting.

Take no heed of the first few responses. Clearly the posters lack any kind of empathy. It’s ok for them and they’re NT children, so who are they to judge. The ones that have children with disabilities, good for them if they find it straightforward.

You take care and you’re not wrong to feel overwhelmed.

I’d also like to add the days out aren’t pushed on by me. I loathe days out, I’d happily sit at home all day if I could. He asks me for these days out, he wants to go out and do things and I oblige because I hope this time it will make him happy.

I have asked for help off everyone. The school, the GP, I’ve been referred to ss twice and they haven’t even given me a phone call

@Candy999

Sorry I can’t reply individually to all replies.

I don’t know if maybe I’ve worded things wrong. When at home my son constantly wants to be out and going to these places as he is constantly demanding it. When I take him to these places and give in to what he wants the whole day will be ruined by him constantly kicking off every 5 minutes. We use ear protectors etc. He is sensory seeking not an avoider.

He is currently in mainstream but on a reduced timetable and has been ever since March last year. I spent 12 months applying for an EHCP to be refused to then have to take them to tribunal and win to then be told mainstream is absolutely fine for him. Clearly it wasn’t and I then had to fight for a specialist placement which has only just been finalised and he won’t be able to start until January as that is when the school opens.

My GP has referred me to social services because he felt I needed some help and also had another agency refer me. So far I have not heard anything from ss.
This behaviour has got worse since the first lockdown, I don’t know wether it’s the expierienxe of this which made his behaviour worse or wether it is just him getting older.

In regards to the second child it was a contraception fail. I’m sure if I posted a AIBU about aborting my child due to autism risk I would have been lynched then as well so I guess it’s a no win situation with half of you people.

I am sorry I’m not as perfect as many as you seem

As pp suggested look up PDA. There may be strategies to help. Particularly with the confusing nature of wanting to be somewhere but also not. It basically creates a stress around being given orders or instructions. So even the implication that you must queue for something could be too much.

Also think about what is attracting him to the places he wants to go to. There may be things he wants but also things he can't stand in the same place. He's only little so he can't work this out for himself.

For instance my ds loves restaurants and cinemas but doesn't like being around other people. Just them moving about bakes his noodle.

What are some of the places he wants to go to?

[quote esloquehay]@pelosi, well I'm not into posting #bekind and, yes, I did feel it necessary to post, otherwise I wouldn't have gone to the effort of posting.[/quote]
Thankfully you’ve been deleted.

So sorry you have had some really unpleasant cutting remarks on here .
please do try to get some support .❤💐

their

[quote Mombie2021]@pelosi it’s obvious from her post that her child isn’t coping with being carted off and days out and experiences, this needs pointing out.[/quote]
This can be done tactfully and constructively.

Your posts sound hostile and don’t sound like they’re intended to help- merely to show off you superior parenting skills. The OP clearly loves her son but is exhausted and at the end of her tether.

My kids aren’t autistic and I’ve had moments like OP describes when I’ve struggled to cope. Many of us have.

It’s tough being a parent and think we’ve all had moments when we’ve questioned why we got into this situation

Some horrible and utterly clueless comments on here. Just because the op has an autistic child, is it beyond the realms of possibility that she may just want to parent a normal child? Why shouldn't she want to bring another baby into the world?

And people thinking they know how her child thinks, and what he'd like and wouldn't like. Not all autistic people are the same, there's no one size fits all.

Op, you sound overwhelmed. I get it. You need to try and find some support. I'd have a discussion with the school senco, camhs, GP, ot, social services, anyone who will listen. I know it's tough and I've no idea what the answer is, but you need to look after yourself too, and you can't do that without other people. I wonder if there's some respite care available in the short term. Perhaps a foster placement to give you a break?

I hope you can find something that works for you and your son.

Op, I have an dc with asd. It’s hard, really hard. Go back to the GP and ask if they can make any referrals while you wait for ss. To anyone and everyone.
It won’t always be this hard. Good luck.

@Cheesepuff1

Do you have an ASD child? They are not easy! We all have moments when we dislike our children. I love my eldest child with ASD so much but the daily meltdowns are draining, they take away my energy and keep me demotivated. We are human-not a machine.

Your situation sounds unbelievably difficult.
I hope you get some decent advice.
There are a number of really disgusting comments on here. I can barely believe people would write like that to a woman who is clearly struggling and crying out for help.
Shame on you all.

I can really recommend the book "how to raise a happy autistic child ". Also seek out your local autism support group. Theres something wonderful about discussing such things with other ASC/SEN parents who just get it

I know someone with a severely autistic child, and from the age of 6 she was able to get respite care. This is actually around 2 or 3 nights a month, so not a huge amount, but it gives her a chance to recharge.
The child also attends a special school, so not in mainstream at all.
I would also suggest you try to find either a local support group for parents of autistic children, or something on-line, which may be able to direct you (Better than I) how to access any support services going.

@Mombie2021

I have an autistic child, I’ve spent 10 years in her shoes, thanks.

If that’s true, you’d have more fucking empathy!

OP ignore this persons shit comments. My DD has ASD/ADHD and I can relate to what you are saying

It sounds very hard OP.
I think maybe you might need to talk to someone to help you support your DS. It seems like there isn't structure or a thorough understanding of his needs. This isn't your fault, but it needs to be rectified. Although it may be sad, your child clearly does not like or enjoy days out. Don't force them and find other things you can bond over.
Reach out to family for help and support.
Good luck.

Yes, I'm sure Mumsnetters can sleep more easily, as my profane comment has been removed. 😎✌️

Hey OP

Just here to say chin up, and I hope you get the support you need.

My DS is neurotypical and during my lowest points in lockdown, when everything was very difficult, I felt how you feel now.

I don't have any advice or experience of what you are describing, I just know that parenting is hard and we should all try to give each other a break.

I'm fascinated, and a little scared, at how judge-y and angry you all are.

It's really offputting

Good luck OP

^^in response to @pelosi 😇

@Mombie2021

Cuddles etc are also not something some autistic children like. He doesn’t owe you affection.

YABVU for that.

kick a mother while she is down. Its absolutely reasonable to be upset that her child doesn't cuddle her when thats the default. Especially if as she says its only when the child wants something. People need physical relationships and that includes cuddling their children. No the child doesn't owe anyone anything but she's allowed to be upset about it and vent to strangers on the Internet. Thats harmless and helpful. what isn't helpful is the 3 nasty people commenting straight away

When my autistic children were that age I got through it by fantasising that I was only fostering them. They're better now (13 and 11). Still demanding though. The specialist placement should definitely help.

I think some posters are being very harsh op.

I think you're doing your best. Having a child on the spectrum is hard. Really hard.

Have you prepared your child for the new baby? So they know to expect crying? Your attention will be on the baby for a long time?

Do you allow screen time? What are his interests? If he likes the iPad/Xbox, just allow it.

Days out can be so tricky and a lot of the time, overwhelming. does he have ear defenders and something that comforts him? My ds likes soft things so we always have a soft toy and ear defenders on hand. Any behaviour that's showing he's distressed and we find a quiet corner to sit so he can calm himself down.

Lots of kids on the spectrum do not like cuddles or much affection but when they do, it's because they're secure and feel safe and feel happy. Emotions can be difficult for them to understand.

Where is your child's dad? Does he see him?

Does have access to special needs clubs? Google some in your area. They can be a godsend. Are you on any parenting forums for kids on the spectrum?

@secular39 yes I do, which is why I have decided to concentrate on her and my own sanity and not bring even more pressure onto myself by having additional children. if I had loved parenting her and thought I could cope with a second child then I would have had a second. but to have another when you're already not coping doesn't seem fair on either child

@Candy999

I’d also like to add the days out aren’t pushed on by me. I loathe days out, I’d happily sit at home all day if I could. He asks me for these days out, he wants to go out and do things and I oblige because I hope this time it will make him happy.

I have asked for help off everyone. The school, the GP, I’ve been referred to ss twice and they haven’t even given me a phone call

It sounds really tough. I totally understand how you’re feeling.

I can’t offer any advice on getting help for your son, but it sounds to me like you need a break and some support yourself. Have you considered counselling? It may help to speak to someone who understands how you’re feeling and can help you cope with what is a really difficult situation.

Sending you

No judgement.

Please contact this charity, and seek help in your area where ever that maybe.

www.add-vance.org

01727 833963 (MON - FRI 9AM - 1PM)

I went on an Understanding Autism course, and it really helped to understand my child and some of their thought processes.