To really strongly dislike my autistic child

[Candy999]

I am so drained. My DS autistic 6 year old drains every bit of life out of me. No matter what I do for him it is never enough. I can no longer cope with the daily shrieking, screaming, constant outbursts etc. I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him and when we do go it’s just kick off after kick off all the time because everything needs to be his way. When he’s around me all I want to do is lay down and block out the noise and when he’s not here and I have time to do things like household chores etc I just have no motivation to do it as I just want to sit and enjoy the peace.

Currently pregnant with second child and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. My biggest fear is I’m going to go through all of this again with another child. I try so hard to show him love and affection and get nothing back. Yes he’ll ask for cuddles etc but it’s very brief and only because he wants something.

If SS came up to me tomorrow and said someone else would parent him I would happily agree to it. I’m at breaking point.
I contacted my gp a few weeks ago to enquire about some kind of medication for him and we have been referred to the paediatrician but not heard anything back. I just can’t bear it anymore. I love my child more than anything but to be frank theirs times I can’t stand the sight of him.
I want to try and get him into a residential school as feel it would be best all round but I have no idea how to go about this.
I know it’s not his fault but I just feel like why did I have to be the person to be dealt such a crappy life!

Op i hope things get easier.
I do know what you mean parenting is exhausting and when they are melting down constantly.

Thank you to all the nice comments, I haven’t responded to all but I have read them all and I do appreciate them.

If someone turned around and said I would have to do this, this and this and it would make him the happiest child in the world then I would. But I have no knowledge on what will make him happy and make the behaviour lessen. Sometimes I just feel like with school, gp etc does it take me to have a mental breakdown for anyone to wake up and realise that I need help because at the moment none of them are listening.

@ClaraMumsnet

Hi all, just a reminder that someone posting in AIBU doesn't mean it's a free-for-all on the OP. We're here to make parents' lives easier - please bear that in mind when responding.

Apparently it does, and has done so for years.

I'm
Still licking my wounds from
Posting in AUBU 14years ago.

If you don't want the OP to be given a hard time, then move the thread out of AIBU.

And as the DM of an adult in the autistic spectrum, I would advise against attempting fun trips out. Especially when pregnant.

I'd also point out it's funny how if your child is overwhelmed easily, one of their parents probably is also overwhelmed more easily than others. It's taken me years to realise this myself, and I hope I'm saying it kindly.

You are one strong, brave woman posting a comment that many have probably felt but dare not admit.
I am mother to an autistic daughter and granddaughter more than likely grandson as well.

Love them to bits as does my daughter , but there are days when you cannot get it right no matter how hard you try and you do try.
The days seem endless and the nights so short (that is if they let you sleep )
It does get better l despaired when my daughter was a teenage but she is now a remarkable, caring mother herself with infinite patience , far more than l ever had.

Have you contact National Autistic Society, they have local groups, which have loads of support and information.

It is a long lonely path but you need to be persistent with asking for help, doctors, school, local early years service ,.
We had loads of nonsense when we first started to seek support with my granddaughter but persisted until we got referred and got some actual support.
I do wish you well and hope you find some peace.

@Mombie2021

I have an autistic child, I’ve spent 10 years in her shoes, thanks.

Then you should be very ashamed for your comments. My god.

Thank you for posts regarding courses. I already work in an environment dealing with similar behaviour and have qualifications in everything regarding this e.g behaviour that challenges, understanding conditions such as autism etc. It’s just harder to apply it to a person where you don’t understand at all what they want xx

Just wanted to say I really feel for you. It sounds absolutely awful and exhausting. I really hope you can get some support.

[flowers]@Candy999
Can you keep on at your GPs for help? Can you pay for any additional help at home, to help with DS? You haven't mentioned the father, or a partner, are they involved with parenting at all? Do you have anyone in your life who could relieve you and give you a little break?

Op i tried to tell the schoolnurses my dc likely had adhd. On the school form to complete - ignored. I then tried to speak i n person when they came to measure the kids - i had asked for a chat as you are asked to do if you have issues. Anyway they were beyond useless just gave me some printouts. (Bearing in mind the dc in q had come in and crawled under the table at 5yo. )

I do find it awful there is no support really with SEN.

I have to say though if i had realised dc2 would be as difficult - in a slightly different way then i wouldnt have had 2.

I’m sorry you feel completely helpless and that nobody is helping you. Please though, don’t have a breakdown. As much as it is hard your little boy does need you and you’ve come this far…

I still stand by my comment about learning his behaviours and triggers. I really think you need to learn about him. I really don’t think anybody can learn about autism from a book when it is so varied and complicated.

Stay strong and take a breathe. If you get 5 minutes alone then take those 5 minutes alone, who cares about the housework? If you think your mental health can do with a break then that’s fine.

Please though, don’t hate him. He is only a child who is just as confused as you are. It really isn’t his fault he perceives the world in such a different way to others. Be more open to things going wrong because then you won’t feel let down.

Once again the MN bitches are out in force. If you can't give advice in a non judgmental and kind way maybe just keep your nasty comments to yourself. OP I feel for you, and YANBU - it sounds like hell. I'm so sorry you've been subjected to some of these posts - it's the last thing you need. I have no advice, just wanted to offer some support.

This is so hard for you - and harder still is the fact that services for children in this situation have to be fought for - how wrong is that? It makes me furious.

There seem to be quite a few groups on the internet who offer support and advice. I wonder if it might be worth trying to talk to these.

I also agree that a settled home routine might be more suited to him than outings and attractions.

YANBU to have negative feelings towards your child at times, especially when he is draining you of all energy. In reality many parents have negative feelings at times and this is because we are simply human. But it is also a sign that you need some help with it all and you are going to have to fight for this, I am afraid.

Do not feel bad about the negative feelings - you have recognised them, owned them and this is the first step to getting help.

I send sympathy and hope that you can find the help you need. I am sure there will be advice on this on one of the online groups. Good luck.

YANBU, a lot of posters on here who are judging you most definitely are. You are doing your best OP and it just sounds like you need a bit of a break and some support.

I teach in an ASD classroom. I have the utmost respect for the parents of my students and I don't know how any of you do it. Lack of sleep is torture and constant meltdowns must be very draining. You are pregnant and the hormones will make everything feel harder. Look after yourself. I don't think YABU. If you can't vent anonymously online . . . ..

You’re not helping, Mombie2021.

I'm the parent of a 14 year old with autism who attends a special school. It isn't easy and there isn't much help out there. Ds goes to a club on evening a week for 3 hours.
Have you been on any courses on autism since your son was diagnosed? I found those helped understand some of ds behaviour.
Do you have a parent support group locally? Other parents can be a great source of information.

God, some of these replies

OP, it sounds so tough. Please don't listen to some of the bonkers replies on here.

Keep on at your GP. Some pp's had some good ideas of where to turn for help.

Xxx

Fuck me, the vipers are out in full force tonight. Mumsnet at it's worst.
A mum says she's on her knees and struggling and some of the posters on here are vile...no helpful advice but just making her feel worse whilst making themselves feel smug.
I have no advice OP but just wanted to give some support. I hope things get better for you.

To follow up that you have tried ss/ gp ect but haven't been contacted, ring them everyday, don't let up until they listen. My son is not Autistic but has loads of other healthcare sen issues. I don't give a shit and will be that mum until they listen and get what he needs and deserves. You are his advocate so shout as load as u can to get the help you need and deserve

Sadly I have learnt that we have to fight for everything nothing is made easy x

Autistic children, not all, see the world very differently. What you might think are nice experiences and days out could be very stressful for your child.

It's exhausting isn't it OP my 3 year old autistic child loves going out and is the first to get his shoes but it's hard. I have an older 5 year old girl and it's hard managing them both and can only imagine that it's going to get more difficult as he gets bigger. I feel exhausted most days and want to just lie in a dark room. I've joined online support groups via Facebook to vent or get advice. My son makes it easier because he's incredibly affectionate and loves cuddles and kissing me. My son is younger so I can't give advice only a virtual hug.

OP, what research have you done into the help you can get? I would suggest good reads of the information from the National Autistic Society and Contact (used to be Contact-a-Family) plus additionally Carers UK.

You need to request that your local authority Children's Services department carry out a Carers Assessment. If you don't get a response to that request, raise a complaint! You are entitled to have somebody assess you for your needs, in the same way that you fought for an EHCP for your child's educational needs.

If you know which school your son will be joining in January, find out what staff they have now - they may well have a Family Liaison Officer who can signpost you to various local services and support.

Google for your council's "Local Offer", this will have details of local groups and clubs for your child plus what they'll call their Short Break Service (think of this as a 'break' for you).

And finally, if you're a Facebook user, look for a group called Autism Parents Chat. it is a really friendly group run by admins who have been through very similar problems. What you are feeling, others will have felt too. You're not alone in handling this, reach out and talk.

It was the same for us with our DS and days out. He wanted them, we all did. But he pretty much ruined every single day out ever. It was like he just couldn't allow himself to enjoy himself. Even right back to going to see the Wiggles when he was around 3 (and he was Wiggles mad 🙄😬).

I totally get it! You just want to go out and have an enjoyable experience, like a normal family. There is nothing wrong with that!

OP, please ignore spiteful comments. I don’t know what’s wrong with people who do that.

You are far from BU. You’re going through hell and you have every right to express your pain. I’m sorry I don’t know how to help, I can only send you sympathy, but I’m sure others here will have good advice.

Mumsnet is a disgusting place at times.

This thread is case and point.

Hope you feel better soon OP, don’t take these shitty comments to heart. It must be so difficult. Take care.