To really strongly dislike my autistic child

[Candy999]

I am so drained. My DS autistic 6 year old drains every bit of life out of me. No matter what I do for him it is never enough. I can no longer cope with the daily shrieking, screaming, constant outbursts etc. I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him and when we do go it’s just kick off after kick off all the time because everything needs to be his way. When he’s around me all I want to do is lay down and block out the noise and when he’s not here and I have time to do things like household chores etc I just have no motivation to do it as I just want to sit and enjoy the peace.

Currently pregnant with second child and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. My biggest fear is I’m going to go through all of this again with another child. I try so hard to show him love and affection and get nothing back. Yes he’ll ask for cuddles etc but it’s very brief and only because he wants something.

If SS came up to me tomorrow and said someone else would parent him I would happily agree to it. I’m at breaking point.
I contacted my gp a few weeks ago to enquire about some kind of medication for him and we have been referred to the paediatrician but not heard anything back. I just can’t bear it anymore. I love my child more than anything but to be frank theirs times I can’t stand the sight of him.
I want to try and get him into a residential school as feel it would be best all round but I have no idea how to go about this.
I know it’s not his fault but I just feel like why did I have to be the person to be dealt such a crappy life!

All those people telling the OP what she is doing wrong, please stop. She hasn’t given us enough information in her OP to remotely be able to judge exactly what she SHOULD be doing, in your opinion.

How about some sympathy for someone who is clearly struggling?

@Mombie2021, why isn't residential school appropriate?

I work with young people across the Autistic spectrum and residential schools has completely transformed some of their lives for the better. Many thrive on the routine, less environmental stimulation and the security it provides seeing the same faces day in day out.

Your experience is yours, not the OP's.

My one bit of advice is repetition we go to the same places on repeat because they hate going places we don't know they are stressful and draining for them so I buy annual passes we can go look at it a bit and leave go back look at a bit more maybe stay longer and leave until we finally get a day out and I'm dragging them away because they don't want to leave instead of dragging them in because they don't want to go

“ I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him”

He’s probably overwhelmed and he may well just not enjoy those things. I have a child with ASD - they enjoy some trips, to a point, but it has to be on their terms and planned around their needs. Things have to be his way not because he’s naughty but because that’s what his disability requires- it’s frustrating sometimes but it’s not my child’s fault. Things a typical child might enjoy my son just can’t. Honestly, mine would enjoy a whole morning in his pants with his special interest far more than a fancy day out!

He also struggles with affection, both giving and receiving. Again, it’s overwhelming for him. I know he loves me, I don’t think it’s fair to push him to do cuddles and things that make him stressed or uncomfortable. You might just be asking for something from your son he cannot give you.

Can you seek some support? School senco? Local SN group? Have you had parenting classes to help you with him? I suspect a residential school placement for a six year old is unlikely unless his needs are very extreme.

Mombie2021 I know what you mean, but clearly op doesn't know how to 'parent the child you have'! Frustration is understandable - since you have direct experience maybe you could offer some tips and places she could find help & support instead of attacking her?

@Mombie2021

I have an autistic child, I’ve spent 10 years in her shoes, thanks.

So that makes you an expert, I see

I cannot believe some of the responses on here. Talk about kicking someone while they’re down. OP don’t listen to them - they’re just enjoying their little power trip via keyboard.

I don’t have any experience of autism but just wanted to show you some moral support, it sounds like you’re in a very difficult place and i for one do not judge you whatsoever. Hopefully some experienced SEN mums will be along shortly

A few people here whom I’m guessing don’t have autistic children.

OP, I am sorry to hear this, it must be so incredibly difficult for you.

I don't think YABU. Feeling at the end of your tether is something all parents can relate to, from time to time - but to feel that relentlessly, day in day out, must be so difficult. Most of us just get lucky that we are not challenged in that way. The luck of the draw must feel very unfair.

Do you have any options for respite? To properly enjoy some peace and downtime? Family, SS?

Hi all, just a reminder that someone posting in AIBU doesn't mean it's a free-for-all on the OP. We're here to make parents' lives easier - please bear that in mind when responding.

@DoucheCanoe to go from mainstream direct to residential school is the norm, is it? No. No LA would fund that. Especially when the parent isn’t bothering to educate themselves on their child’s condition. She claims he only cuddles her when he wants something, which suggests (and God I hate this label) he is relatively “high functioning”.

I agree that those who are judging you have clearly never been in a situation like this. I have, and it is desperate sometimes - I absolutely hear you. A few things that helped me:

• Reach out to as many support organisations as you can (Sendiass, Ipsea, NAS to name a few). Local support groups can also be really useful, as can online communities (the SEND pages here are v helpful and might be a better place to post about your situation as the majority there will have been through similar). The above are also good places for advice on things like getting an EHCP if your DS hasn’t already got one.

• Do you have all the benefits (DLA, carer’s allowance) you’re entitled to? We use DLA to pay for a particular hobby activity regularly and it makes a big difference

• An obvious one, but are you looking after yourself? Treats, nice food, time for a quiet bath etc when possible…

• Remember the age he’s at now is HARD! I found up to age 7 unbearable but 8/9+ seems easier somehow… obv there are good and bad days, but overall it feels less gruelling than it was.

Ignore those who are unhelpfully trying to kick you when you’re clearly already down and struggling - fuck knows why people feel the need to do that! You’re pregnant and that makes everything feel more extreme as well (at least it did for me!) so things will get easier, even if it’s harder in the short term with a new baby.

You’ve got this. And you’re not alone

I'd say OP got some cuntish replies to her post but cunts at least have a bit of depth and warmth to them.

Don't mind them OP, they're only looking to stick the boot in and feel superior. I wish you every strength with your struggles.

@BlackeyedSusan

maybe some of us have sympathy for an autistic child who may be finding being taken out so much hell. sort thatt and things will get better for the op.

You know what, I reckon OP should drop her son off round at your gaff and you can you can show everyone how it is done, you being so bloody fantastic.

It sounds incredibly tough and in all honesty only those of us who have children with special needs with behavioral issues can truly understand what you are feeling.
The referral to the pediatrician is extremely positive! Ours has helped us tremendously with medication and CAHMS.
re residential school, you need to prove that the current educational setting does not meet his needs, CAHMS can help with this. Ultimately it will be up to the local authority to agree or disagree.
You need to find the right school that will support him and you with his behaviour.
He is still little and with support things will improve so please don’t despair. Xx

@HumphreyCobblers

All those people telling the OP what she is doing wrong, please stop. She hasn’t given us enough information in her OP to remotely be able to judge exactly what she SHOULD be doing, in your opinion.

How about some sympathy for someone who is clearly struggling?

She's stated that she takes him on nice trips out but that he just kicks off.

Those of us parenting children with ASD have learned that we just often can't do what everyone does. That things like this need knocking on the head for the benefit of both the OP and her ds.

It isn't wrong to point out how to make things easier on the OP.

It's not that it's never enough for him, it's too much for him. He doesn't see the world like you do, it's a very scary and overwhelming place for him. You're doing the best you can, give yourself a break on that front.

Maybe I’m just sick of seeing threads about how parents hate their child with ASD or ADHD, yet you never see posts about how parents of children with other disabilities hate their child.

Hate is an extremely strong word that folk just toss around.

[quote esloquehay]@Mombie2021, you can offer advice/feedback without being a bitch, you know? 😎[/quote]
Well said👏🏼

[quote Mombie2021]@pelosi it’s obvious from her post that her child isn’t coping with being carted off and days out and experiences, this needs pointing out.[/quote]
But it needs to said more sensitively, otherwise these posts just drive the OP away.

Some really shitty responses on here.

Maybe cut back on the outings and have regular, routine days , particularly for when your next child arrives.

Id suggest a call to Early Help ( in conjunction with Social Services ) and they will have a wealth of other service support for parents like you.
You need to ask.

I'd also recommend looking at the National Autistic Society's website. There is a wealth of information that GP's may not know about and can point you towards lots of situations and local groups.

💐

It sounds unbelievably difficult

I get it. I don’t think people who lack experience can really understand it- the constant screaming, tantrums, shouting. When that is your daily life, all the time, what that can actually do to a person. It’s bloody hard to find anything positive when that’s your reality and I struggle to believe anyone put in that situation would feel any differently.