To really strongly dislike my autistic child

[Candy999]

I am so drained. My DS autistic 6 year old drains every bit of life out of me. No matter what I do for him it is never enough. I can no longer cope with the daily shrieking, screaming, constant outbursts etc. I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him and when we do go it’s just kick off after kick off all the time because everything needs to be his way. When he’s around me all I want to do is lay down and block out the noise and when he’s not here and I have time to do things like household chores etc I just have no motivation to do it as I just want to sit and enjoy the peace.

Currently pregnant with second child and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. My biggest fear is I’m going to go through all of this again with another child. I try so hard to show him love and affection and get nothing back. Yes he’ll ask for cuddles etc but it’s very brief and only because he wants something.

If SS came up to me tomorrow and said someone else would parent him I would happily agree to it. I’m at breaking point.
I contacted my gp a few weeks ago to enquire about some kind of medication for him and we have been referred to the paediatrician but not heard anything back. I just can’t bear it anymore. I love my child more than anything but to be frank theirs times I can’t stand the sight of him.
I want to try and get him into a residential school as feel it would be best all round but I have no idea how to go about this.
I know it’s not his fault but I just feel like why did I have to be the person to be dealt such a crappy life!

You poor thing, OP. Were you feeling like this before you were pregnant?

What support/advice do you have? With my son we keep things as low demand as possible, minimise excitement and disruption, and try to spot when he needs sensory breaks. We are so far from getting it right but all of that helps him get through the day.

Is he in any sort of specialist school placement? The difference in our home life when ours moved to the right setting for him was indescribable. His previous school was causing such stress and anxiety and we were getting the fallout. Once that was alleviated, he became a lot easier to have at home.

Have you spoken to a midwife about how you’re feeling? The Senior at school?

I hope you get the help you need , I think very few know how much you have to cope with , hopefully you can get some respite

I've been exactly where you are @Candy999, my son is also Autistic and we had 3/4 years of sheer hell in the same ways as you are.

It's relentless. Have you spoken to your GP or contacted social work for support? We had a referral to CAMHS for family therapy which completely changed my way of thinking and helped me be more supportive of him instead of doing the things I thought we should - in turn this made him feel more secure and able to voice any issues. He's 15 now and we still have the occasional meltdown but we are all prepared for it now and have learnt how to help him through it.

It's definitely not the life I envisioned when I was pregnant but life is much more pleasant now.

Don't beat yourself up - it's a lot to deal with and pregnancy isn't easy in itself. Try not to push things, relax and follow your sons lead for a little while.

I have two autistic children but sound very different from yours so I’m no expert but trips out and nice experiences - are they things he’s asked for? My children are generally happiest at home.

What does he like? Mine is obsessed with cars. I provide him with and endless supply if cars and he’s happy.

What does he want?

Sounds very tough OP.
I am assuming he is at a special school? They are the best people to set up some sort of respite for you. Also, lots of parents at the SEND school I work at pay the TAs as carers at home for a couple of hours a week too.
Keep outings short, local and predictable.
Don’t beat yourself up about screen time when the baby arrives.
Invest in some sensory equipment- hammock swings/tent swings, weighted blankets, gym balls etc.
Let people in real life know you are struggling and then accept offers of help.
It is tough but there are people who can and will support.

Does your son have PDA? Have you looked at the PDA society website? It’s ok to let him have everything his own way. It makes life so much easier trust me, I’ve been where you are and you aren’t alone. You are right it isn’t his fault.

The melt downs are because he can’t cope with new experiences.

Please ask his school/read up on, for advice an out how to create structure and a regimented routine. The use of picture schedules, now/next boards, social stories will help him in the big, scary world that he doesn’t understand.

My sympathies as I know first hand how difficult life can be for parents such as yourself.

Try to get as much help as you can. He who shouts loudest gets more of the limited resources. You are going to have to shout loudly and be his advocate.
Try the SN board on here to get support.

Are you getting any help?

First few comments are awful. I read that you're trying your absolute best whilst running on empty. Do you have a social
Worker?

@Mombie2021

Trips out and nice experiences? For an autistic child, they would be Hell.

YABU.

Butt out, it’s not your child.

OP, I hope you get some help and more knowledgeable people come along.

Senco, not sodding Senior.

Have you done the Cygnet (sp?) course for parents of children with ASD? DH did it and found it incredibly helpful.

Its shit isn't it 😕 I've got a couple with additional needs the screaming the mess the noise you cant do anything "normal" go to the park? Nope people are there (ds1 anxiety) find a park with no people? "Something squeaks/smells/looks "wrong" go shopping we need food (pokes everything due to a compulsion) I try to cook they try to stick there fingers in the oven try to put the fire on youngest tried to stuff things in it (it's cut off now thankfully) my electric cooker is chained to the wall and switched off when he grows up enough to reach the plug socket im going to have to turn it off at the fuse because he is fucking COMPELLED to TOUCH and turn and press everything he doesn't sleep he won't eat he asked for sausage I gave him sausage he won't eat the dam things because he "ate them at school today" except he didn't I KNOW he didn't the stains on his school top (not a shirt due to sensory needs) tells me he had chicken curry its draining

I mean I wouldn't change him or any of them but some days it's like wading through treacle in a space suit and I'm running out of air

@Marchingredsoldiers you're talking rubbish. I have empathy for a child that their mother doesn't like. I have empathy for the future child who is significantly more likely than the first to also have autism and then what is the situation going to be? or if the new baby is neuro typical she's going to have one kid she likes and one she wants to get rid of

Could your hormones be contributing to the way you’re feeling OP? I know for me, they made everything feel much bigger and more difficult.

If you can hang in there it does sometimes get easier as you learn the things that help/don't help. E.g. I wanted DD2 to come to church with us. She didn't want to - sensory stuff. We compromised on her coming but using her mobile phone to play music and sitting in the corner of the room. Fine with me -she came and coped with the first part of the service, which meant that she could join in with the youth part.

@pelosi it’s obvious from her post that her child isn’t coping with being carted off and days out and experiences, this needs pointing out.

My autistic child is really horrible if we do exciting trips out and go on what should be lovely holidays. If we stay at home and go on trips to the exact same playground and exact same dog walk he is a million times calmer and has few to no meltdowns. It can be very boring and we gently push his boundaries but have you tried staying in and repetitive routine as a route to his being happier and calmer?

OP, I have an ASD child and some days I could have written your post word for word. Even down to wanting to put him in boarding school. And to the people questioning about the 2nd child, my second child was a blessing, one reason being that I got to have one enjoyable experience parenting.

OP, I don't have any answers for you but I wanted to reach out and let you know you are not unreasonable and you are not alone in thinking this way. My DS is now 13 and seems to have turned a corner in the last month. I hope the same happens for you

It can be incredibly difficult parenting a child with autism, unimaginable for parents of NT children.

Try contacting social services and tell them you’re at breaking point and can’t cope. You desperately need help.

Gosh, what a lot of horrible replies you’ve had!
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you! Even a neurotypical child can push a parents buttons in all sorts of ways, I know one of mine certainly does and there’s no SEN to try and pin it on, just normal developmental behaviour to navigate.

You will be fine with number two, you just need to put some measures in place to help you and DS cope, looking for help is the first step.
Keep on with the GP, does he already attend an additional needs school, can they help with any ideas or advice?
Do you have access to any kind of respite?

Bloody hell, OP, you really have had some shitty responses from allistic cunts.
Do you have an professional support/what is your own support network like?