To really strongly dislike my autistic child

[Candy999]

I am so drained. My DS autistic 6 year old drains every bit of life out of me. No matter what I do for him it is never enough. I can no longer cope with the daily shrieking, screaming, constant outbursts etc. I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him and when we do go it’s just kick off after kick off all the time because everything needs to be his way. When he’s around me all I want to do is lay down and block out the noise and when he’s not here and I have time to do things like household chores etc I just have no motivation to do it as I just want to sit and enjoy the peace.

Currently pregnant with second child and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. My biggest fear is I’m going to go through all of this again with another child. I try so hard to show him love and affection and get nothing back. Yes he’ll ask for cuddles etc but it’s very brief and only because he wants something.

If SS came up to me tomorrow and said someone else would parent him I would happily agree to it. I’m at breaking point.
I contacted my gp a few weeks ago to enquire about some kind of medication for him and we have been referred to the paediatrician but not heard anything back. I just can’t bear it anymore. I love my child more than anything but to be frank theirs times I can’t stand the sight of him.
I want to try and get him into a residential school as feel it would be best all round but I have no idea how to go about this.
I know it’s not his fault but I just feel like why did I have to be the person to be dealt such a crappy life!

It gets better. I promise. My asd child was fucking feral when he was that age. One day something will click on him and he will become your wonderful child. For me it was when my ds was about 6/7, for my dsis, it was about 12. You’ve coped this far.

I have felt like this at points. My ASD child is older now and things have improved a bit. I do think age 5 and 6 were the worst bits. I was being hit, bitten, screamed at. Food refusal (ARFID/sensory issues), school refusal, no affection. Lots of defiance. Because my DC was undiagnosed at that point I thought it was all some failing in me, but I know now that it's not. That helped to stop feeling ashamed and guilty and start understanding their differences. What seemed like fun and building memories to me, was overwhelming and stressful for my DC. I've stopped expecting my DC to give me what I need as a parent and instead I try and give my DC what they need from me. I've stopped trying to impose my image of what family life should be and instead try to adapt to what my family life is. It's not an easy process and having a child with neuro-diversity is a daily challenge. It's often a thankless task and hidden so people don't really recognise or understand your struggles. The first step for me was letting go of what people (including me!) thought out life should be. And to stop trying to change my child and accept them wholeheartedly as they are and love them for that instead of being frustrated with who they're not.

@Mombie2021

Cuddles etc are also not something some autistic children like. He doesn’t owe you affection.

YABVU for that.

Oh dear God, can you not think of something less arsey to say?

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time OP and I hope you are able to ignore some of the unhelpful and vicious comments on here.

When people say they are at breaking point, people need to listen.

What support have you got at the moment? Have you got a partner? Family? Could you try and speak to your GP and request some social services involvement so you can get some additional support? You need to tell them that you are at the end of your tether.

There is respite care available, so you could find out about local resources for that. Could you afford a cleaner so that when you have time to yourself you can make the most of it and not spend it all doing chores?

FWIW, my eldest son has ASD and my younger one is neurotypical, so there is no guarantee that you would have the same experience with your new baby.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

OP you balls up by posting this on AIBU. Ask MN to move it over to the SN boards for support

Also, my ds coped far better without the daily trips and having a regular routine. He was over stimulated by everything and it didn’t help.

Mombie2021, you can offer advice/feedback without being a bitch, you know? 😎

Yep.

This sounds so hard and you’ve had some appalling comments on here. I’m sorry. I’m no expert on this but I’m always impressed by @aladdinmum so maybe she can help.

I feel for you, OP, and I think you’re being honest. You do need some support and some help. Meeting other parents with autistic children might help if that’s possible?

You need a break and some support. It is completely normal to feel at the end of your tether. I have two with ASD whom I love. I have worked my arse off caring for them and making sure they get the best support. There have been times I wish I never had them. There have been times I have been hurt and the stress and pressure is unlike anything else I have ever experienced. You need help. As an aside residential school is not always the wrong thing. There are some excellent schools for children with ASD. When our ds went to a residential I regained the emotional capacity and energy to parent him better at weekends and holidays.

Keep asking for help, it takes ages and it’s never really over but keep at it. For us what makes life easier is routine, lowering of expectations and more routine. People say self care is important and I know they’re right but it’s such a struggle to also look after yourself. But, at least be kind to yourself at all times.

Christ some of the replies on here are shocking, the op is clearly massively struggling and dealing with pregnancy hormones do give her a break and some understanding.

Op I'm sorry some people are being so nasty, I can't pretend to understand from a parenting point of view but my friends son has autism and it's hell for her 6 days out of 7. She broke down a few weeks ago after a couple of drinks and said that if she could turn back time she would remain childless 🙁

Sending hugs

Sorry I can’t reply individually to all replies.

I don’t know if maybe I’ve worded things wrong. When at home my son constantly wants to be out and going to these places as he is constantly demanding it. When I take him to these places and give in to what he wants the whole day will be ruined by him constantly kicking off every 5 minutes. We use ear protectors etc. He is sensory seeking not an avoider.

He is currently in mainstream but on a reduced timetable and has been ever since March last year. I spent 12 months applying for an EHCP to be refused to then have to take them to tribunal and win to then be told mainstream is absolutely fine for him. Clearly it wasn’t and I then had to fight for a specialist placement which has only just been finalised and he won’t be able to start until January as that is when the school opens.

My GP has referred me to social services because he felt I needed some help and also had another agency refer me. So far I have not heard anything from ss.
This behaviour has got worse since the first lockdown, I don’t know wether it’s the expierienxe of this which made his behaviour worse or wether it is just him getting older.

In regards to the second child it was a contraception fail. I’m sure if I posted a AIBU about aborting my child due to autism risk I would have been lynched then as well so I guess it’s a no win situation with half of you people.

I am sorry I’m not as perfect as many as you seem

I really understand that this is incredibly hard work and you must be exhausted.

However I did read this I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him and wondered maybe if it is too much for him and life might be easier and less tiring for you all if you just did less?

Mombie2021 perhaps you could extend some of the empathy you feel for OP's child to OP herself? She's clearly really struggling. If you genuinely feel for her child, why not try to help her - and so help him too - instead of kicking her while she's very obviously at rock bottom?

@Marchingredsoldiers

ermm YABU to have another child if you don't don't like the one you do have..

Do you no empathy at all? What a horrible nasty comment to say to a struggling pregnant woman.

To the OP: i have no advice or experience, but I am sure you are doing your best. I hope you get the support you need

This …cannot imagine what people get out of being so nasty! You sound at the end of your tether .Ask GP or HV about residential schools even if just for respite 💐

Was that necessary

Yep.

I don’t want to be another one to say how unreasonable you are but to me it sounds like you are trying to push a ‘normal’ childhood onto your son and sorry but it just won’t happen.

What I think you need to do is spend some time indoors with him and really learn from him what he likes and dislikes, any cues he may give to behaving a certain way and learn to incorporate yourself into his life not him into yours.

Being autistic does mean that they have to have things how they like it, I’m afraid, and if you continue trying to push things onto him you can continue to expect his behaviour to escalate. Just let him guide you and be more relaxed about how you parent him because he is not a ‘normal’ child, he is different and that is ok.

I'm so sorry for the horrible responses you have had, having a child with sen is fucking hard work, doesn't mean you don't love your child, it sounds like you have been left high and dry by healthcare professionals that should have signposted you to the help that you and your son need. Keep pushing your gp for an urgent referral, or even ring the clinic your self, also speak to the gp to see if you can get support for your self / mental health / carers support. Look at local groups with other parents that can help you learn and navigate a way forward.
Respite care a day/ week could be just what is need so you can recharge and start a fresh and move forward and learn with your son on how to manage day to day life xx

I really hope you find the help and support you need

My friend has an autistic child who was very challenging at that age. It does get better OP. He’s now such a lovey young man.

Get as much support for him and yourself as you can.

Also, you are pregnant and must be exhausted! Just try to rest and take it easy whenever you can. Maybe look into whether you can get some extra help (holiday club etc) for when the baby comes.

Could you look at contacting the council for reapite care? He could go into care permanently as a last resort

@EmeraldRaine

Was that necessary

Yep.

Clearly not as it’s been deleted,

If he wants to go to outings make them as short and structured as possible. Make sure that he's not hungry, or tired. And accept that even though he might want to go he might not cope with actually being there once he's there. Try to balance days which are difficult like that (although they might be fine they are difficult as well for him obviously) with days or lower stimulation. School can be very stimulating, so maybe plan a trip for a Sunday morning so he has Saturday to decompress from school, and Sunday afternoon to decompress from the outing. Or Saturday afternoon so Saturday morning to decompress and Sunday to IYSWIM.