To really strongly dislike my autistic child

[Candy999]

I am so drained. My DS autistic 6 year old drains every bit of life out of me. No matter what I do for him it is never enough. I can no longer cope with the daily shrieking, screaming, constant outbursts etc. I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him and when we do go it’s just kick off after kick off all the time because everything needs to be his way. When he’s around me all I want to do is lay down and block out the noise and when he’s not here and I have time to do things like household chores etc I just have no motivation to do it as I just want to sit and enjoy the peace.

Currently pregnant with second child and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. My biggest fear is I’m going to go through all of this again with another child. I try so hard to show him love and affection and get nothing back. Yes he’ll ask for cuddles etc but it’s very brief and only because he wants something.

If SS came up to me tomorrow and said someone else would parent him I would happily agree to it. I’m at breaking point.
I contacted my gp a few weeks ago to enquire about some kind of medication for him and we have been referred to the paediatrician but not heard anything back. I just can’t bear it anymore. I love my child more than anything but to be frank theirs times I can’t stand the sight of him.
I want to try and get him into a residential school as feel it would be best all round but I have no idea how to go about this.
I know it’s not his fault but I just feel like why did I have to be the person to be dealt such a crappy life!

@Candy999 Have jsut read all your posts. Well done for standing your ground in the face of all those telling .you're "doing it all wrong". I'd have just crawled .into a hole

Your ds sounds like me.

When I was a child I ‘wanted’ to go places, do things, I cried about it and my poor mother would take me only for me to scream, hide under the table or become aggressive.

Some children ‘mask’ they literally copy social norms because they know that’s what is expected. So if Jenny and Joe at school like the park, so do I. If Susan is excited about the school disco, me too!

I also have an autistic son who at that age was a fucking nightmare.

My advice as an autistic child would be to not give in to his demands to go places. What does he genuinely enjoy? What makes him calm? Could you set up a sensory tuff tray with playdoh or have some canvas and paints ready for when he gets home. Or even his favourite film and some snacks. Give him that chance to defuse, calm down and adjust. Understand that he might not know what he wants and is potentially trying to fit in.

As an autism mum, take deep breaths, plenty of breaks. It doesn’t matter if he’s in bed with the iPad while you watch Netflix with headphones in. It doesn’t matter if you shove mac and cheese in the microwave for him or if the hoovering isn’t done.

I rang social services when my son just turned 7 because I couldn’t cope, I had a complete breakdown. He’s 11 now and I’m so thankful that we got through it, it’s not easy but parenting in a way that supports him (look up pda parenting and 123 magic) has helped massively. I’m pregnant with my second and whatever happens we will get through it. I’m always happy to chat

Most Mumsnetters on this thread need to remember every person with Autism is different. I have 2 boys with Autism and they are chalk and cheese. 1 loves going out for adventures, whereas the other child prefers to stay at home.

Candy999, my final piece of advice is to find a local support group for parents with children with Autism and drink many cups of coffee together. I am sure they too are going through difficulties, and you may feel less alone.

I’m sorry i haven’t read all the thread, I read your message and then the first page of replies.

I just wanted to say you’re not a bad mum for feeling this way. Every child with asd is different or goes through different periods. I’m sure there are a lot of people who have felt exactly the same way you do and are just too scared to admit it out loud.

I would try contacting social services, don’t get your hopes up too much as respite is hard to get but try fighting for help. Another fight you don’t have the energy for but having a respite worker or PA who can give you a break from time to time could really help.

One thing reading your post made me think, you take him on lots of nice outings which is fantastic for some kids. Have you ever tried staying in or staying in except for a short walk/ride/park trip just to see if his behaviour improves as he isn’t as over whelmed? It might work, it might not but it will give a clue as to what works better for him

I've been in your shoes 17 years .
My advice is go on parenting asd courses and learn how he ticks,why he does the things he does and try engage.
You need support but remember he's only a child and will sense your attitude whether you hide it or not 🤷‍♀️.

All I can say is be thankful your child’s behaviour is down to his autism and not just down to him been a pain in the arse like many kids including mine! Don’t listen to the lovely keyboard warriors on here, YANBU autism is draining, especially if it’s all on you with not much support? Keep on at your GP, school nurse, school mentors, anyone that can get assistance in place.
Lots of my friends children are on the spectrum, all in mainstream schools and it’s very difficult!
Try and relax, have a glass of wine (large) and try and have an hour or two to get your head together, all mums have been there

I haven’t read all of the messages apart from the cruel first ones. Parenting is hard enough without autism in the mix, let alone with it, plus you’re pregnant, no doubt tired and anxious about coping with two. My heart goes out to you. We all have days where we feel absolutely like we can’t cope - I honestly don’t know how people aren’t admitting that and are condemning you.

So YANBU, but help is needed, both from family, friends and official sources. Really hope you get the support you need.

Some people are awful, so sorry OP. I don’t have practical advice but sending and Take care of yourself.

It sounds very hard. You need support and help.

What do his current school do? Is he at a special school?

You urgently need to contact Social Services and CAMHS. They won’t take your child away, but they will help you; they’ll put you in touch with support agencies and help if you ask for respite care.

Do you have any family to help you so you can get a break?

Let his school know you’re struggling and ask if they know of any orgs who offer support. Also contact the national autism charities - they may have helplines and regional support groups for parents of autistic children.

Sounds really bloody hard. You could look into ABA therapies.
But hard. Good that you can be honest with yourself about how it feels...

@VestaTilley

It sounds very hard. You need support and help.

What do his current school do? Is he at a special school?

You urgently need to contact Social Services and CAMHS. They won’t take your child away, but they will help you; they’ll put you in touch with support agencies and help if you ask for respite care.

Do you have any family to help you so you can get a break?

Let his school know you’re struggling and ask if they know of any orgs who offer support. Also contact the national autism charities - they may have helplines and regional support groups for parents of autistic children.

Social services children with disabilities team. Even if you want them to take him away it s unlikely Unless he at risk from you or his dad But tell them you at breaking point and need respite care urgently But do talk to other parents and ask what can be accessed. As well as look jnto boarding schools catering to his needs. And be willing to hand him into others' care.

Be clear and think what you need and want
Is it someone taking him out? For how long? Where to?
Someone watching him at home so you can go to an appt?
Taking him to school or an activity?
Taking him to stay elsewhere?
Do you want a Foster carer to take him for the weekend? (Shared care schemes)

OP if you are near the West Midlands I would happily support you so you could have some respite. My adult DD who has a learning disability + ASD + GAD is 24 now but there have times in the past when I have been completely suicidal. At least in my day there wasn't a 2 year+ wait for support from CAMHS. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

@Cherryberrybonbon
All I can say is be thankful your child’s behaviour is down to his autism and not just down to him been a pain in the arse like many kids including mine!
I might be misunderstanding you (apologies if I am), but I don't think this is a supportive comment.

@Cherryberrybonbon

All I can say is be thankful your child’s behaviour is down to his autism and not just down to him been a pain in the arse like many kids including mine! Don’t listen to the lovely keyboard warriors on here, YANBU autism is draining, especially if it’s all on you with not much support? Keep on at your GP, school nurse, school mentors, anyone that can get assistance in place. Lots of my friends children are on the spectrum, all in mainstream schools and it’s very difficult! Try and relax, have a glass of wine (large) and try and have an hour or two to get your head together, all mums have been there

Do you have a child with autism? Whilst im sure your trying to be supportive, having a child with autism and or other disabilities, is a whole different ballgame and all mums havent been there

All I can say is be thankful your child’s behaviour is down to his autism and not just down to him been a pain in the arse like many kids including mine!

Really, @Cherryberrybonbon ????????

I know someone whose DS remains at home, he only ever went to school. Now he has finished his education he is at home almost 24/7, 7 days a week. It’s what makes his life manageable.

One of my colleagues had autism, his coping mechanisms at work were explained to us, he used to fiddle with a small toy all the time. He also had to leave meetings occasionally as he couldn’t cope. He was one of the brightest people I have ever met.

The difference between the way these two adult men’s lives have panned out is vast. I’m sure their families did what they could.

We never know what outcomes our dc will have, please don’t feel bad about struggling to cope.

This was a hard to read post but OP, I think you are just at the end of your tether.

I feel that I'm in a position to offer advice since I have 2 autistic children and I'm autistic myself. One of my girls has very high care needs. And she went into residential at 14. In retrospect it would have been better for her if we did it earlier.

If your son is in a mainstream school then it may be that they aren't meeting his needs well enough and this will cause problem behaviour at home.

What is his communication like? Do you have visual schedules for him? I have found that this can reduce anxiety.

@Candy999 I’ve just read some of your other posts about tribunal etc.

What did you win in the tribunal order?

If you have a social worker from the children’s disability team then they should be able to help you press for a residential placement. Sometimes a residential placement is the best thing.

Can you afford a solicitor? If so that would be the way to go IMO. I would recommend Chris Barnett from Match solicitors. Do you have good independent reports from a EP?

Having a go at each other isn't going to help the OP or her son.

@Itsnotover

This was a hard to read post but OP, I think you are just at the end of your tether.

I feel that I'm in a position to offer advice since I have 2 autistic children and I'm autistic myself. One of my girls has very high care needs. And she went into residential at 14. In retrospect it would have been better for her if we did it earlier.

If your son is in a mainstream school then it may be that they aren't meeting his needs well enough and this will cause problem behaviour at home.

What is his communication like? Do you have visual schedules for him? I have found that this can reduce anxiety.

OP Please read this - from an autistic person, and mother in similar situation

@Candy999 hi! Just came across your post as im googling things struggling with my own 6yo w asd. How are you and your son doing now? X

Probably one of the nastiest posts I’ve seen on MN.

There are frequent complaints on MN about lack of empathy and understanding of ND children and their needs. Here, parents who know full well what’s that’s like are laying in to OP, who is clearly struggling and pregnant.

Shame on those posters. No advice OP other than take care of yourself, If you don’t, there’s no one to advocate and look after DC, whatever that looks like.