To move out and leave 17 year old?

[Teesstar]

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

@thebookworm1

I’m really surprised at everyone’s reaction. In Scotland, people leave for uni at 17. I moved abroad alone at 17. It’s not like things magically change at 18. If he’s mature living a mile away from his mother and still with family sounds like a pretty comfortable situation.

17 year olds leaving home is not the same as their mothers fucking off and leaving them! He's not at all mature according to OP's other posts, he's a damaged child with a difficult upbringing, being left to live with his drug smoking lazy older brothers who do nothing.

All the parents in this situation sound terrible apart from your boyfriend's ex to be honest.

I don't know why you wouldn't just wait another couple of years until you can get a bigger house or DS moves on of his own accord. And asking if he can get any financial support ...you want a 17 year old to manage finances like an adult?

I’m sure these replies are hard to hear OP and it seems life has been tough to you. Being in an abusive marriage for 16 years must have been awful and you’ve had to carry a lot by yourself, including finally leaving. I can see why you feel now is your time and you want to live with this new partner of yours but you most realise this is not right or you’d not have posted. What help did you get for the abusive marriage? Did you do the freedom programme for example? Because you’re barely 24 months on from 16 years of that and you’ve already uprooted your kids once to move where you are now, plus what they suffered alongside you with your ex. Now you are with a man you say has a vastly different parenting style to you and has already broken your trust with other women (based on your past threads) who you have only known for a matter of months.

This appears to be a man who is happy to send one of his children away as well as one of yours to have you live with him. Just stop and think, does that sound healthy to you?

Leaving an abusive relationship takes real strength and courage but it also leaves you really vulnerable to the next man who will come along and take advantage. I know you feel you deserve a life of your own and yes you do, but if you ask yourself honestly have you truly had time to even heal from your previous marriage and settle into this new relationship, which so far sounds turbulent and far from safe? Or is it the case that your desire to have a different life is blinding you to reality? Why are you rushing this so much? Why can’t you wait another couple of years? You love so close already (your posts imply saying you’d only be a mile away) so surely you get to spend plenty of time with your new boyfriend already? So why so quick? What’s really driving this?

Honestly, if this man is a good man he would surely understand you have commitments and need time and would also be thinking about the welfare of his kids and of yours. And aren’t you at all concerned or sad that his child is being pushed out to make way for you and your 12 year old? Doesn’t that put you off this man you are with?

It’s hard to be the only parent who gives a shit and does the proper parenting, and no wonder you feel resentful and fed up. But as unfair as it is, that is the way it is. You can’t make their father into a good dad but you can choose how to continue to parent yourself.

@PheasantsNest

You are incredibly selfish. Never ever choose a man over your children.

Is the correct answer

You are taking the fucking piss hoping there are benefits to support this 🙄

I think the fact that your son has experienced many adverse childhood experiences already means that this is not a good idea. Do you know about ACES and how it affects people both physically and emotionally into adulthood? Maybe give it a Google and watch some information on YouTube. Your son has been a victim of domestic abuse and has experienced the loss of his fathers through abandonment. He will likely experience some trauma from this. You can support him and begin to repair some of this damage by providing a stable, loving home where one parent attachment is consistent, nurturing and responsive. Even at 17. Your son will likely need this until he is able and confident to go on his own.

I understand what you are saying because you are also a person and have been a victim and deserve happiness but there is no rush here and you need to prioritize your sons recovery.

My sil was left in the same circumstances at 16 and has severe mental health difficulties. I'm sure this is not the only reason but she has outwardly said its a major contributing factor.

OP you gave written this as if you are leaving your 17 year old in a happy, functional home well supported by two upstanding older brothers.

That isn't the case. Your home is not a place you want to be and you are using this much too new relationship as a life raft to escape the turmoil and chaos.

Shame there are so many kids being jettisoned to make that escape possible. Your boys all sound damaged but it's all about you.

Because I am a woman I should be the one to do all the caring, financially as well

No. Because you are his mother and made choices which brought to put to where you are today. He has a father who abandoned him, he doesn’t deserve a mother who does the same thing. I’m sure your older son wants you to feel better about the situation, but as you say, the rest of the world, including many here who had this done to them, have said this will likely be damaging to your son. If you choose to go ahead and do that despite those warnings, rather than waiting a year, then people are quite right to call you selfish.

Also as a pp has said have you had time to recover somewhat and process the abuse you suffered. That is really important too. I'm not saying your new bf is not a good guy but you'll be more equipped to judge this and to deal with any issues if you have processed some of the trauma you suffered. You have been incredibly strong to leave after 16 years. I don't think your selfish to consider this but I don't think its in anyone's best interests and I think understandably you are struggling to see that.

parents matter too. I’ve spent all my adult life raising kids
This is one occasion I'd actually say if your kids said " I never asked to be born" I wouldn't think they were bring dramatic. It is really all about you with no fucks given about anyone else!

We are both essentially having to make family changes

You make it sound like an office restructure

You do you though hun.

Put your child first. You can wait a few more years to move in with your partner

So you both happy to ditch one of your children? And you also want the taxpayer to support you ditching a child? Just so we’re clear you are an unbelievably poor parent.

This is so utterly depressing. Six children involved

You have 6 children between you. A three bed house simply isn’t big enough. You need to rent something bigger, or maintain two separate houses until some of them leave home.

I will never understand how some people just put their own wants above their children’s needs. You’re a grown up FFS: you can wait a few years to move in with your partner. The wait will do you
Good

Sounds selfish to me, what’s the harm in waiting a couple more years until he’s moved onto the next phase of his life, college uni, then he’d probably enjoy sharing with mates, it will be good for him to have a real choice.
Leaving him at his age and trying to justify why it’s a good idea, doesn’t work well, it will lead to him feeling abandoned for mums very new bloke, is that a risk you want to take?
If it doesn’t work with new bloke what happens then?

@Wannakisstheteacher

So you both happy to ditch one of your children? And you also want the taxpayer to support you ditching a child? Just so we’re clear you are an unbelievably poor parent.

That's really harsh. I agree this decision is not a good one but I've read her previous posts and she does not sounds like a lousy parent. She sounds like a parent who has had to do a lot of it alone. I don't believe she doesn't care about her children. None of us are perfect parents, not all of us put ourselves up on Mumsnet for feedback on our low points. Go easy.

You should bear in mind that your partner has at least two relationship breakdowns under his belt (the last one pretty recently given he has a four year old) and you spent 16 years in an abusive marriage.

It is great that you have found happiness with each other but you should both be living separately until you can really be sure the relationship is a healthy one.

I think you are both being selfish, he’s cutting the time he has his ds and your leaving yours to fend for himself just so you can both be together? What happened to kids coming first? Wait a year or 2, then your ds will be an adult. Why the rush to move in together, you can still have a relationship and live in separate houses?

Yeh my mom tried to do this to me when I was 15. She only didn’t when she realised she’d have to pay 2 sets of bills. At the time my family dynamic made me think it was ok and normal.

It’s only now as a mother myself that I realise how messed up it was and really really sad for 15 year old me.

What's the point of the thread, OP? You've already decided you're doing the right thing and you're happy with your plans.

My friends mum left her at 16 to move to America for a new relationship! My friend has alcohol issues stemming from this!

I find your attitude shocking OP. Just wait a few more years! Or get a bigger home. Why on earth did you get a 3 bed? If you can’t afford to house your children then you can’t afford to live together. You are both being selfish beyond belief. Both of you have teenagers who are being forced out of their home or to live away from a parent due to your selfishness.