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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out and leave 17 year old?

423 replies

Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:37

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

OP posts:
NortieTortie · 24/09/2021 21:20

Not a chance in hell. Of course the 17yo thinks it's a great idea, he's 17. Hmm

What's waiting a couple of years in the grand scheme of things?

Getyourownback · 24/09/2021 21:23

You really should be ashamed, OP. I hope you are. Based on your previous posts, your kids have long-since lacked any sort of decent parenting. Poor, poor things. And now you’re washing your hands of all of them except the one you can’t get away with ditching, are encouraging them to claim benefits so you don’t have to support them, so you can shack up with a boyfriend of less than a year. Any money you’ll be pregnant with child number seven imminently. Awful.

Actupfishy · 24/09/2021 21:24

Yuck.

All I got from your last message was ‘my Ex doesn’t care so why should I?’
Poor kid!

Abraxan · 24/09/2021 21:31

The kids know fine well they have a home with us, they can stay over some nights, they can eat with us, they can just chill out with us

That's not really a home though is it?
It sounds like a hotel - room and food.

Whilst parents matter too, I'm afraid I don't believe their wants should be prioritised over a child's needs. And a 17y is still a child, a dependent child who should come before any boyfriend.

LaikO · 24/09/2021 21:35

@Actupfishy

Yuck.

All I got from your last message was ‘my Ex doesn’t care so why should I?’
Poor kid!

I thought that too, came across as his dad abandoned him, so OP feels like she should be able to as well, or else it isn't fair.

I don't know why you posted OP, you've just argued that you're not unreasonable when the resounding opinion is that you are. 🤷‍♀️ I was in a similar position at your son's age, thought it was great at the time. You'll see the damage it does in years to come.

Bananarama21 · 24/09/2021 21:41

There was a thread where by a woman was left with her grandmother aged 17 when her parents moved abroad her grandmother un expectedly died but both her parents left her alone in her grandmother's house without fina9support you basically doing the same its disgraceful behaviour especially when people have leaked details from your previous threads.

LizzieW1969 · 24/09/2021 21:41

Whilst parents matter too, I'm afraid I don't believe their wants should be prioritised over a child's needs. And a 17y is still a child, a dependent child who should come before any boyfriend.

^This hits the nail on the head IMO. The move will also be very unsettling for your 12 yo, and for your DP’s DC. He’s actually effectively turning his back on his 16 yo ffs!! Hmm

Recessed · 24/09/2021 21:44

Some people just wrap there kids up in cotton wool. Do what suits you

If you think choosing not to leave your child to their own devices so you can shack up with some random you've not known a year is "wrapping in cotton wool" then I despair for any DC you may have! 17 is prime time to go off the rails - a child whose father is an abusive loser and whose mother puts her sex life before his well being, is particularly vulnerable. Hopefully it won't end badly... but if it does OP can be safe in the knowledge that she had a massive part to play in fucking up her children. Shameful.

DroopyClematis · 24/09/2021 21:50

You seem to want justification for what your about to do.
No, just no.
You are cock-a-hoop in love with your new partner but your explanations are wrong.

You are being dick-led.

Just put yourself in your children's shoes.
What do they want? Have you actually asked them? You've assumed their maturity.

YouTubeAddict · 24/09/2021 21:50

I wouldn’t do this to my son. He’s 18 and has been living partly with his girlfriend but his main base is with us. We’re moving soon but the same will still apply even though he’ll be nearly 19. I want him to move out when he’s ready, not when he’s forced to.

Hattie765 · 24/09/2021 21:54

He's staying in his family home with his 2 brothers and you'll be a mile down the road, I'm sure he'll be fine x

nimbuscloud · 24/09/2021 22:04

He's staying in his family home with his 2 brothers and you'll be a mile down the road, I'm sure he'll be fine x

And what about the boyfriend’s 16 year old who is being sent to live full time with his mother? Instead of 50/50 between both his parents?
And the op’s 12 year old who has no choice but to be compelled to live with a man he’s known for less than a year? Having had to endure living with an abusive man before that ?

SuperCaliFragalistic · 24/09/2021 22:04

My mum left my dad when my brother was 17 (I had already moved out). He felt abandoned and was seriously messed up for ages about it. Mum was the nurturing one, dad was uninterested in us so to leave him with dad felt like he was being dumped. It's a pretty sensitive age. I think my mum could have waited 6 months til he finished his A Levels, it might have made a big difference to how well he did and his choices over the following years.

Aprilx · 24/09/2021 22:08

I had a truly miserable childhood, my parents really did not do a good job. But my goodness, even they would not stoop to these depths, they knew they needed to house us! You should be ashamed of yourself. Your children certainly drew the short straw in life when they ended up with you and their equally hopeless father for parents.

gogohm · 24/09/2021 22:08

I sort of did, bit older 19 but they were cat university most of the time and they stayed with their dad. I don't see why we need to put our lives on hold.

ChequerBoard · 24/09/2021 22:08

@gogohm

I sort of did, bit older 19 but they were cat university most of the time and they stayed with their dad. I don't see why we need to put our lives on hold.

It's called parenting.

Hattie765 · 24/09/2021 22:09

@nimbuscloud

He's staying in his family home with his 2 brothers and you'll be a mile down the road, I'm sure he'll be fine x

And what about the boyfriend’s 16 year old who is being sent to live full time with his mother? Instead of 50/50 between both his parents?
And the op’s 12 year old who has no choice but to be compelled to live with a man he’s known for less than a year? Having had to endure living with an abusive man before that ?

That wasn't the question, the OP asked whether her 17 year old would be better off staying where he is and I think he would. Much better for him than moving in with people he doesn't really know and having to share a room.
what2donowthen · 24/09/2021 22:11

Abandoned by Dad, now abandoned by Mum. Whilst parents should have happiness, it shouldn't be at the expense of children that are still under 18 and need you.

1WildFlower · 24/09/2021 22:12

No, don't leave your son.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/09/2021 22:13

Op I am really worried for you as well as your DC. You are vulnerable due to your history.

I’m not sure if your partner is equally vulnerable or potentially abusive but he is likely one of the two given he also thinks this is a good idea.

The best way for you to have a really healthy functional relationship after being in an abusive one for so long is to spend time alone figuring out what a healthy relationship looks like, how to spot red flags etc. Doing the freedom programme, getting therapy.

Realising that with children in the mix any future relationship will move slowly and that’s a good thing for everyone.

I’m worried that you haven’t had that time and so haven’t learnt to make good choices and that in 5 years time you will have no relationship with a man or with any of your children.

You absolutely can find happiness but you need to be in a really healthy place to do that.
Rethink, for your kids sake and for yours. I don’t think this is the right decision for any of you

ColorMagicBarbie · 24/09/2021 22:16

I think he'd be fine living with his older brothers. He's only a year away from being able to go to uni and live with complete strangers.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 24/09/2021 22:20

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3754743-Help-to-take-back-control

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parents_of_adult_children/3935785-Anyone-else-just-wish-they-would-move-out

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parents_of_adult_children/3971126-Sick-of-my-lazy-21-year-old

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3971145-21-year-old-son-taking-the-piss

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4057994-To-put-my-foot-down-with-DS1

...they don't sound really mature. Leaving your 17 year old with the older two seems like a bad idea, but sounds like you've had enough of them all.

On a separate note, I feel really sorry for your partners 16 year old, sounds like he is basically being turfed out!

ChequerBoard · 24/09/2021 22:22

@ColorMagicBarbie

I think he'd be fine living with his older brothers. He's only a year away from being able to go to uni and live with complete strangers.

Really?

Even when the OP cant stand living with the sons because they are out of control, the house is filthy and one of them is permanently off his face on drugs?

This is OP escaping as she has wanted to do for the last year. The new man is just the escape route and the kids are collateral damage.

cocktailclub · 24/09/2021 22:22

Both of you are utterly selfish

Tinpotspectator · 24/09/2021 22:23

I'd just wait.